32. "Not eating the food I give you is not going to make me give you nicer food."
Saeyoung tried to offer the meal to his brother. He had finally came home with Saeyoung, but he was still being distant and rude, so he refused the meal.
"I want to die." Saeran said, making Saeyoung sigh and sit back. On his lap sat a bowl of ice cream. He knew it wasn't a proper meal or anything, but he remembered how much his brother had loved the treat, considering he had never been given it before.
"Don't say that, please, you need to eat something." Saeyoung said, growing frustrated. He was very patient when it came to Saeran, but he was growing nervous. The boy hadn't eaten in four days, at least, not to his brother's knowledge. Saeran had, in fact, regressed back to his times with his mother, and had been sneaking and hiding food. Though it was true that he wanted to die, starving to death was not the way he wanted to go, but it was satisfying to watch Saeyoung think he was starving him.
Saeyoung sat back on the chair he had moved into the room before sighing. Saeran smirked as he gave up so easily. It was just like him, to eventually lose hope in his brother and move on to better things. Saeran was just waiting for the day he was thrown back into the streets. He would go straight back to his savior. Despite Saeyoung telling him Rika was going away, and getting her own self treated, the white haired man refused to believe him. Rika would die before allowing her organization to fall.
Saeran would occasionally glance towards the redhead, to see what he was doing. The ice cream was melting in his lap, but the hacker had decided to just involve himself in a book he always left beside the bed that Saeran was in. He had sometimes flipped through it too, when he was lonely. He couldn't read very well, but the book had picture, so it helped.
"Why are you reading children's books?" Saeran scoffed, wanting to find out what trickery Saeyoung was up to.
"I like fairytales, it makes me forget where I am. You should read it." Saeyoung suggested. Of course, he had figured he already had, but the fact that Saeran was even talking to him was enough to get the man to try and keep up any conversation.
Saeran observed the book a bit, before looking away defiantly.
"I hate this room." He stated, looking towards the wall. He wanted a window. He wanted to see the outside. He wanted to see the sky.
Saeyoung looked towards the wall a moment, before looking back at his brother.
"Do you want something to eat?" He asked. Saeran looked down at himself, before looking back towards the ice cream. Of course, the child in him had been dying to eat it.
"Why are you just letting it go to waste like that?" Saeran demanded. "Are you too stupid to know ice cream melts?" He asked.
Saeyoung shook his head, before smiling a bit. "It must have slipped my mind, I don't eat much ice cream." He admitted. Saeran looked back at the tub, before looking away. He longed to taste it, but refused himself.
"I'd rather be at the hospital than here." He said to change the subject, looking back towards the blank wall. Saeyoung stood up, and walked towards the bed. Saeran growled when he approached, and withdrew himself away, but Saeyoung smiled at him still.
"At least here you don't have to force medicine in you, right?" He asked. The memory of it made Saeran shiver, and he closed his eyes. He remembered clawing at the doctors, at the ivs they put in his body, at all the flesh and heat around him. He had hated it. It was true, at least here he had a bit of his own space, except for when this idiot invaded it.
Saeran leaned back on the bed. He still refused to look at Saeyoung, but he wasn't screaming profanities at him, which the redhead appreciated.
"When you find my body, don't tell Rika what I did." He said, as if his death was a given. Despite having killed V, Saeran still believed Rika loved him. He still believed she was looking after him, unaware that she was thousands of miles away by now. All he knew was that he wanted to be dead, and he didn't want Rika to know that he cheated. He was supposed to do good things for the world with his life, and to end it early was a sin, but he didn't care. He hated this life. He didn't think he was capable of doing anything good.
"I'm not going to find your body, because you're not going to die." Saeyoung said, reaching for his brother's hand, but he pulled it away quickly. Saeyoung sighed, before patting his brother's leg, much to his disgust.
"You can't watch over me forever." Saeran argued.
"I will if it means you'll be safe forever." Saeyoung retorted, and the man on the bed grew quiet at that. Whenever Saeyoung talked about protecting him, the child in him longed to let his brother be his hero once more. But he was smarter than that now. He couldn't let himself be fooled again.
But maybe this time, he could just ignore it. He closed his eyes, not giving Saeyoung an answer, which was probably better in the end. Saeyoung's own yellow eyes closed, before he stepped away from the bed.
"Goodnight brother." Saeyoung whispered, before picking up the melted ice cream and walking out of the room. When Saeyoung was gone, Saeran opened his eyes once more, and looked towards where he had been sitting. The book sat on the nightstand. He picked it up and opened it, flipping through the pictures.
His fingers traced over a young boy in the book. In his arms he held out a flower, and was smiling happily. He looked up towards the sky, and Saeran could imagine what he was saying.
"You...are...my….sunshine…" Saeran whispered to himself, before quickly closing the book and throwing it across the room.
He missed the sky. A child in a book got to enjoy it, but not ever he could. Saeran looked at the dent he left in the wall, before thinking about Saeyoung. He wouldn't get angry about it. He would just fix it.
Saeran wanted to make a bigger hole, wanted to make Saeyoung angry with him. He wanted him to hate him just as much as Saeran hated him. He balled up his fists, and felt hot tears sting his mint colored eyes.
Where was his sunshine? He had known nothing but darkness for so long. He longed to be somewhere with the sun splashing on his face, and he could be happy.
He closed his eyes again, before wiping at his tears. There was no point in crying. He would take care of all this tomorrow. Tonight, he would dream once more of the sky, and the sun, and he could pretend for a moment, that things had been okay.