Things were not right in Forks.
For one thing, Edward Cullen had woken up that morning. Everyone knows vampires never sleep. How had he been asleep?
That wasn't the thing that disturbed him the most, though. No, the mystery of the vampire slumber was almost insignificant compared to the other mystery that Edward was currently pondering as he stared vacantly into the mirror, even though he couldn't see his reflection, because vampires and mirrors don't mix.
When Edward had woken up from that physically impossible slumber, things had... changed. Emmett would probably tell him that this physical change was more befitting to his personality, but Edward would have none of it. He had to find a way to fix this before he left his bedroom.
For that morning, Edward had woken up a woman.
A woman with long, beautiful, coppery bronze gold silver tin-colored tresses, a full bosom, and red, red lips. Her skin was still the pallid yet somehow still beautiful and alluring greyish color it had been the night before, but it seemed to have an odd sort of glow to it now-oh, that was just because Edward's lamp was shining directly on her. She moved it. The glow was gone. Her body was like granite still, but it was very feminine granite. To top it all off, she had an ass like a peach.
Edward grimaced. Even with this look of the utmost pain and suffering and anguish and such on her face, she was still strikingly beautiful. She tried to flex her pecs in celebration of her beauty, but nothing happened. "Oh yeah," thought Edward, "I have boobs now. Can boobs flex?"
Pondering this, Edward decided to sneak out to find Carlisle. Carlisle was a doctor, surely he could fix this.
Unfortunately for Edward, in a house full of super-human, bionically-powered, Iron Man-style vampires, there is no sneaking.
One toe placed out the bedroom door, and who should Edward run into but Emmett. But Emmett wasn't right, either... no, there was definitely something off about Emmett.
"DAAAAAYUM HONEY!" He shouted obnoxiously. "Y'ALL GOT AN ASS LIKE A PEACH, KNOWUMSAYIN?"
Emmett was black.
"Dear God, Emmett, can you control yourself? I understand that your carnal impulses control your entire being as a person-well, I suppose the term "supernatural humanoid creature" would be more appropriate-but I am in a quandary-nay, a predicament-nay, a bind-nay, a very pickle! And all you can do is comment on how my gluteus resembles a piece of produce? A piece of produce that, I might add, is nowhere near the size of the average human rear end?"
Emmett paused, bewildered. "SAY WHAT?" he screeched. Edward rolled her eyes and walked away, trying her best to cover her generous behind. Emmett drooled behind her, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.
Edward crept to Carlisle and Esme's room. As he walked, he noticed that everyone was off. Rosalie and Alice had taken on distinctly male characteristics. Jasper was eyeing his own "peach ass" with dismay. Edward sighed. How had this happened?
Bella was hysterical. Not only had she woken up to find another email from her mother, only being able to read it after using her horrendously slow dial-up connection-gag-and not only had her father actually tried to talk to her this morning-ugh, what a plebeian slob-no, although those occurrences were enough to put her in a pissy mood for the rest of the day, they only would have made her ornery enough to mock Mike Newton a little bit, or maybe fake sick in biology so as to drive out to La Push and break Jacob's heart a little more. Bella wondered briefly if werewolves had hearts. Then she decided that the matter did not pertain to her and, thusly, was unimportant.
When Bella woke up that morning, she had looked in the mirror and found something horrendous. Her face actually showed emotion, but that wasn't even close to being the worst of it.
Bella was a man.
But not just any man.
Bella was a Middle Eastern man with curly hair, a bulbous nose, and the pain of a thousand losses in his eyes. She was exponentially more attractive than she had ever been as a female.
Bella was Sayid Jarrah.
"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?" Bella roared, punching a massive hole in his bedroom wall. "NOW THE BOYS WILL NEVER WANT ME AND MY SELF-WORTH WILL ZERO OUT EVEN THOUGH I REALLY HAD NO REASON TO HAVE ANY IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE MY PERSONALITY IS JUST GOD-AWFUL!" He picked up his old red truck, bench-pressed it a few times, and then hammer-threw it into the sky. Later, on the news, he would hear of an old red truck landing in a cornfield in Nebraska. The people thought it was aliens. Of course they did. It was Nebraska.
Now even more angry, seeing as he had destroyed his only mode of transportation, Bella punched the window out of Chief Swan's squad car and leapt into it. Hotwiring it with his toes, he drove off into the early morning mist. Charlie cowered underneath the kitchen table with three cans of beer and a rifle that he had forgotten to load. Remembering this, he sighed, and drank all the cans of beer. All of them at once. It was 9:30 in the morning.
Bella drove to Edward's house with great speed. She knew he would understand. After all, Edward was so terribly codependent that he wouldn't give Bella up for anything, even her sudden transformation into Sayid Jarrah. Edward didn't like to be alone. It gave him too much time to think about how going to high school for hundreds and hundreds of years was truly his own personal version of hell (picked on back at the turn of the century for being too effeminate and high-strung, picked on now for being a "massive fag"), and to hear Emmett slipping it to Rosalie something terrible.
Edward sat slumped on the couch, shoveling ice cream into her face. Even though she couldn't really actually eat, for some stupid reason, it seemed appropriate. Especially considering the way that Emmett was currently going through Kool-Aid. Edward sighed, watching him pour Kool-Aid down his throat with one hand and make gang signs with the other. Emmett was embracing this far too enthusiastically. Edward sighed again. And then again after that. She sighed a lot for a creature that doesn't breathe.
Carlisle had eyed Edward's behind suspiciously, and then shrugged and sent her away, claiming that there was nothing he could do. "It was probably the Volturi," he said nonchalantly.
"Well, can you perform a surgery or something to put me back the way I was?" Edward asked desperately.
"Dude, you're pretty hot. Why don't you quit complaining and go turn some heads. Have fun with this."
"But Carlisle-"
"Leave. Now."
Edward slumped farther on the couch and sighed again.
"Y'ALL BITCHES IS OUT OF THA KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL-AAAAAAAAAAAAAID!" Emmett yelled from the kitchen. Edward screwed her eyes shut and waited for a flaming meteor to crash into the house, killing everyone inside, but especially Emmett. Although vampires probably don't die from blunt force trauma. Realizing this, Edward shouted, "GODDAMN IT!" to the heavens.
"Oh, goodness," she squeaked, "I've uttered a filthy word!"
Before she could make it to the bathroom to eat three or four bars of soap, the doorbell rang. Peering out the window, Edward spotted a Middle Eastern man standing at the door, looking furious. "Terrorists!" she squealed, but no one could hear her over the increasing loudness of Emmett poorly rapping, mixing verses from various Wu-Tang Clan and N.W.A. songs as if they actually went together.
"Edward, open up. It is me, Bella," the man said.
"WHAT? YOU ARE NOT MY SWEETEST FLOWER, MY MOST DELICATE PETAL, THE BELOVED OF MY AFTERLIFE, THE HEROIN IN MY VEINS! YOU ARE A GREASY MAN WITH PIT HAIR AND A DIRTY WIFE BEATER! YOU ARE FILTHY! I WOULDN'T LET YOU INTO THIS HOUSE JUST BY VIRTUE OF THAT ALONE!"
Edward continued screaming incoherently. Bella rolled his eyes. Then he broke the door down. Edward was silent, his eyes wide as saucers. Saucers the color of topaz, or some other gold thing, but just saying "gold" wouldn't be lurid enough. Bella drooled.
"Oh my god you are drooling and you are a rapist and a terrorist I am going to call the police and the FBI and the CIA and also the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and we don't even live in Canada-"
Bella knocked Edward to the side with his incredibly manly strength. Then Alice appeared, with a full beard and incredible buffness. "Oh my god," he squealed, still not having lost his incredibly annoying personality, "You're a man too! Clearly something is off here."
Edward rolled her swishing, swirling, completely beautiful, ridiculously attractive, made of porcelain, topaz eyes of gold. Then she sighed wistfully.
"But if Edward is just a regular girl, why did I turn into the manliest man ever known to man?" Bella inquired.
"You don't think I'm pretty?" Edward pouted. "You think I'm just regular?"
"Goddamn it," Bella sighed.
And then they all had a party with cake and presents and deer blood and Emmett swam in a pool of his Kool-Aid forever and ever and ever. The end.