Everyone has secrets, everyone lies at some point in their lives and everyone feels lonely…. but Tyler Lockwood feels like his issues are way bigger than anyone else's. He feels like he carrying the whole world on his shoulders and that burden is pretty fucking heavy. Or maybe it's just his father's impossible expectations of him that feel so overwhelming and exhausting. He's not sure what's worse: trying to be the perfect son for his asshole father and emotionally frozen mother or having the reputation of the douche bag jock who can kick anyone's ass and fuck any girl. Tyler has become the master of pretending, he plasters a smirk on his face and walks with his tough guy stride and everyone automatically respects and admires him. On the outside, Tyler is calm, collected and in control…on the inside he's screaming, only no one can hear him.
He likes sports because of being on a team; it makes him feel connected to others, to have other boys around his age need him to help the team win. Because they do need him, and that's makes him feel wanted and good about himself. He takes pride in the fact that he's an excellent athlete. His teammates admire him and congratulate him way more than his own parents do so he thinks of them as a surrogate family.
Alcohol doesn't exactly taste great but it does help him to relax and it drowns out the loudness in his head for a while. It also helps him feel more confident, so when there's a really hot girl eyeing him he just walks over and within minutes he's usually making out with her. After a few beers, Tyler feels free and the world goes from being black and white and shitty to full of color and beauty…at least for a while. Tyler likes being drunk, he can blame his bad behavior on being a lousy drunk and people forgive him for whatever asshole thing he did…because he's Tyler Lockwood, a star athlete and he's allowed to fuck up.
Tyler is good at sex, at least all the girls he's been with tell him that, but what none of the those girls knows, is that Tyler's never had sober sex. If he knows there's a possibility of him getting laid, he drinks. It makes it easier; because Tyler doesn't feel anything for the girls he fucks. He tries to, he tries to feel something, anything, but he can't. He kisses them, touches them, makes them moan and gasp but he never feelings anything. They do though, they're always asking afterward if they can see him again and does he have a girlfriend and he acts like an asshole and tells them it's over. Sometimes they cry, sometimes they get dressed quickly and leave telling him what an ass he is and sometimes they sit there in stunned silence. Tyler's body functions on autopilot when it comes to sex, but his brain and heart are never involved.
3 weeks ago something happened, Tyler's not really sure how it happened but this where his secrets and lies started bubbling out of control. He was at a party in the woods, a beer in hand and flirty smile firmly in place; Tyler was feeling good. There was a hot blond with amazing legs and a nice ass eyeing him and he was downing his beer to get to that glittery place quicker when someone caught his eye. His name was Jason, he was a football player from a rival team 3 towns over, and much to Tyler's confusion Jason was smiling at him. Tyler forgets the blond and makes his way over to Jason, he's not sure why, but he feels a strong urge to talk to him. Jason hands him another beer and they drink and talk and Tyler realizes through his glittery drunken haze that Jason is flirting with him, and what's weirder; he's flirting back.
There's no denying that Jason is hot; deep blue eyes, a strong jaw with smooth cheeks, full lips, freckles, short brown hair, broad shoulders and a lean muscular frame. He has an infectious laugh and when he pulls a joint out is back pocket, Tyler follows him deeper into the woods for privacy. They find a small clearing and Jason leans against a tree as he lights up, Tyler finishes off his beer and takes a hit off the joint when Jason passes it to him. They pass the joint back and forth and then Jason leans forward with the smoke in his mouth, Tyler takes the hint and opens his lips slightly and allows Jason to shot gun the smoke. Their faces are mere inches apart and Tyler suddenly feels very warn despite the fact that it's freezing outside. Jason is looking at him funny and before Tyler knows what's happening…..Jason softly kisses him. The kiss is innocent and quick and it sends Tyler's head spinning. He's never kissed another boy before but suddenly he wants Jason to kiss him again. Something awakens in him that he can't explain because he's never felt anything so powerful before. Jason must see something in Tyler's eyes that encourages him because he kisses him again and this time Tyler kisses back. It's honestly the best kiss Tyler's ever had his whole body is humming with warm energy. Jason pulls him closer and they make out against the tree for a few minutes before Tyler pulls away, he's feeling a million things at once but currently he has an erection that embarrasses him. Jason doesn't seem to mind as he leans forward and gently cups Tyler through his jeans, stroking slightly. Jason looks pleased with himself and Tyler suddenly feels like bolting. So he does. He pulls away from Jason and stumbles out of the woods with clumsy drunken steps.
The party is still going on as Tyler stumbles through, ignoring several people who call his name heads towards Matt asking him to give him a ride as he's too drunk to drive. Matt being the sweet nice guy that he is says of course he will and drops Tyler off at his house. Tyler slowly makes it to his bedroom, tumbles into bed and passes out. He dreams of Jason and the kiss and bolts up right in bed drenched in sweat. He also has an erection and in that moment he seriously hates being a guy. He jerks off in the shower and tries not to think of Jason and fails. Tyler throws himself back into the flow of school again and tries to forget that night in the woods with Jason, although Jason hasn't forgotten and somehow got his number. Jason calls him and Tyler marvels at how calm and relaxed he sounds considering. Jason wants to hang out again and Tyler doesn't know what he wants. Jason tells him there's gonna be another party that weekend and that he hopes to run into Tyler there. Tyler says he may or may not show up, but they both know what that translates into and Tyler has to force himself not to look for Jason in the crowd of drunk and high teenagers around him. Tyler's on his second beer and he's starting to get twitchy in his anticipation when he suddenly turns to face Jason who is smiling at him and briefly flashing the joint he has with him. Once again they end up stoned and making out against a tree, Jason has Tyler pressed up against it and he's grinding into him. Tyler allows himself to get lost in the sensation he's feeling because he's never felt this with anyone and he's terrified to lose it. Jason's a good kisser and he tastes faintly of mint and Tyler knows in the back of his head that this is insane. First of all, he's not gay, and secondly he's drunk and high so this doesn't count. Tyler is bothered by his submissive role in the making out and switches his position with Jason and takes control of the kissing. This feels more natural to him; being dominant, despite the fact that his submissive partner is another guy.
Tyler's life turns into lies quicker than he's prepared to handle. He lies to his friends about where his hicky's are coming from, he lies to his parents, and in particular, his father, about what he does on the weekends and with whom, but the worst part is he lies to himself. He tells himself that this thing with Jason is just for fun and that it doesn't mean anything. He and Jason start having sex and it's rough and quick every time. He fucks Jason but never lets Jason fuck him; he tells himself its less gay that way, even though that doesn't make much sense in his head. Jason lets himself be dominated and lets Tyler be rough. Tyler pours all his frustration into the sex and when he cums he always feels a twinge of disgust with himself which always leads him to finding a hot girl at a party and fucking her. Unfortunately he only feels worse after every girl he's with, he tries so hard to be interested in them but he just feels relief when it's over and he can leave.
Tyler doesn't think he can take any more confusion but the universe must not give a shit because he finds himself checking out Jeremy Gilbert one afternoon. Tyler finds himself eyeing Jeremy's broad shoulders, his shaggy hair and his deep puppy eyes. His concludes his checking out with Jeremy's ass and arms, which are both really nice. But this all totally freaks him out so he shoves Jeremy out of his way in the hallway and feels better. Jason texts him that night and asks him if he has time to hang, Tyler knows what this is really code for and there's a long pause before he agrees. He brings beer with him and meets Jason in the woods: Tyler fucks Jason against a tree and watches in confusion as Jason's short hair morphs into shaggy locks that remind him of Jeremy Gilbert. When Jason tilts his head back and tries to capture Tyler in a kiss Tyler watches in shock as Jeremy Gilbert's face looks at him through lust heavy eyelids. Tyler panic's and he stops thrusting his hips into Jason's ass. Jason asks him what's wrong but Tyler can't speak, he simply tucks himself back into his jeans and tells Jason he has to go. Jason follows him however demanding to know what's wrong but Tyler doesn't know how to communicated how confused and scared he so he just walks faster but Jason blocks him. Tyler warns him to get out of his way, but Jason scoffs as this threat isn't so scary considering he and Tyler are the same height and roughly the same weight, an even match physically. Tyler says he's just not in the mood, which makes Jason cup him through his jeans and remind Tyler of the erection he still has. They both know Tyler's in the mood but since Tyler has zero intension of telling Jason his personal business he keeps his lips pressed tight together and looks at his shoes while Jason questions him. Finally, Jason sighs, Tyler looks up to see a look of understanding and patience on Jason's face, which pisses him off. He doesn't want pity or understanding, he just wants to feel okay, so in order to regain some normalcy inside his head he grabs Jason and practically flings him against a tree as he shoves both of their pants down roughly and starts to fuck him, again. He closes his eyes and leans his head against Jason's shoulder as he increases in speed, Jason is a moaning grunting mess but Tyler tunes him out and allows himself to sink further into his fantasy of Jeremy Gilbert.
Tyler's life is slowly turning to shit: his grades are slipping, he can't focus during football practice, he's drinking and smoking more, he's now suffering from intense headaches that make his skull feel like it's gonna split in two and to top it all off, his father is thoroughly disgusted with him. He sits at the dinning room table as his father yells and rants calling him a loser, pathetic, stupid and a bunch of other things. He makes Tyler feel worthless and small. Finally it seems his father has had enough yelling and tells him to get out of his sight. Tyler gladly obliges, grabs his car keys and drives. He drives to one of the many party sights that he regularly attends and parks his car. He then slams his hands on the dashboard and screams. After a few minutes he pulls out his cell phone and calls Jason. All he tells him is where he is and hangs up. Jason arrives 15 minutes later, and they both clamber into the back of Jason's car and start making out roughly. Tyler goes to unbutton his pants while Jason does the same. Within seconds Tyler has a condom on and his shoving his way into Jason who winces and grunts at Tyler's lack of tenderness. Tyler thrusts and thrusts, he knows he's being way too rough and that Jason probably isn't enjoying any of it but he can't seem to stop. He's so frustrated and confused and hurt, his head is spinning with too many conflicting emotions. His biggest problem currently is that he's been having sex with another boy now for weeks and he hasn't so much as flirted with a girl in a while. Tyler doesn't want to be gay, but he terrified that he might be and worse yet what he's father will do if he ever finds out. He's also pissed with himself for jerking off in the showers after practice ( when he thought everyone had already gone) and is caught by Jeremy fucking Gilbert who was in there for who knows what. It was humiliating and just thinking of it makes Tyler thrust harder. Tyler pauses when he feels Jason's warm hand on his cheek, he and Jason don't typically touch each other with such tenderness.
Jason looks at him for a moment and stops Tyler's attempts to keep going. When Jason asks him to look at him he seriously debates with himself if he can. Jason cups his chin and forces their eyes to meet, Jason's eyes stare deeply into his and suddenly everything gets to be too much a Tyler feelings like he's going to cry. He tries to stop himself, calling himself a pussy for being so weak, but despite his resistance a tear slips wetly down his cheek. Jason watches it and then leans up to lick it away. He gently kisses Tyler's cheek and lips . Tyler is taken aback by the tenderness of the touch, as he is unaccustomed to it. Jason pushes him away gently and switches their positions. Tyler's not sure why he's letting this happen but he does none-the-less. Jason is gentle, his caresses Tyler's face, his arms and chest and back. His touch is sweet and considerate. Tyler closes his eyes and unconsciously wraps his arms around Jason's back and allows himself to be touched and made love to.
Tyler comes home late; he tip toes up stairs to his bedroom and locks the door. He crawls into bed feeling weird and vulnerable but then its understandable considering he let another guy inside him for the first time. He surprised himself in that he didn't dislike it: being the submissive partner during sex. Yes, at first it was slightly painful and uncomfortable but Jason was so gentle that it didn't matter so much. He kissed Tyler the whole time and caressed his body like Tyler was fragile and breakable. Tyler's never had sex like that before, so yeah, he's feeling a little weird. He also wonders for the billionth time why he keeps fantasizing about Jeremy Gilbert.
The dreams are more vivid and realistic now. He can almost taste Jeremy's breath, feel his skin and hear him moan. The time Jeremy caught him jerking off in the locker room shower, Tyler was jerking off to him, he was this close to saying Jeremy's name out loud. Jeremy had stood there, eyes wide, his face turning a deep red, while Tyler quickly turned around and told Jeremy to leave. Both boys hadn't forgotten the incident as neither could look each other in the face now.
The warm water cascades down Tyler's back and shoulder's, he tilts his head back into the spray of the water and closes his eyes. He feels thoroughly relaxed. He's alone in the locker room, practice was brutal and he's tired and has zero desire to go home. Maybe he'll call Jason and see if they can hook up for a quickie. He rubs his finger tips through his hair and massages his scalp, he got one of those head-splitting headaches again today. It was during English and he thought he was going to black out from the pain of it. The headaches are happening more frequently now, each one slightly more intense than the last. 'Maybe I should go see a doctor about this', he thinks. He figures something can't be normal when it hurts this bad. Why is his life turning so shitty, why can't he just feel okay for once? Tyler realizes that he hasn't felt okay for a long time and that depresses him even more. Tyler peeks an eye open and looks around the locker room shower, he knows he's alone, but he just wants to be sure before tries a very private method of relaxation. His right hand slow creeps down his chest and when he finally cups his semi-erect cock he groans softly. Closing his eyes he at first pictures Jason. Jason has a really nice body, he's a good kisser and a decent fuck. Tyler thinks about to all the times they've hooked up and he grows harder at the memories. After he's fully erect and has a rhythm set, he goes further into his fantasy and pictures Jeremy Gilbert. He thinks of Jeremy's eyes, how deep and soulful they are. He think of Jeremy's hair, it's gotten rather shaggy recently and it hangs in his face most of the time making him look so young despite his strong built frame. He thinks of Jeremy's lips, they look soft and inviting. He thinks of Jeremy's open and slightly goody smile, of his firm but plump ass. His so close to coming when he hears a gasp, his eyes pop open to spot Jeremy red faced and mouth open in stunned shock. Tyler wants to die in this moment. He's completely mortified and Jeremy looks about the same. Jeremy shakes his head, quickly jams his eyes shut and starts apologizing. Jeremy starts walking backwards, hits a wall, spins around still muttering apologizes and leaves. Tyler stands under the spray, he's facing the white tile wall and trying to calm himself with deep breathes. This has got to be the worst day he's had in a while.
The big red C- glares at Tyler from the corner of his paper. He's dad is going to freak and that means nothing good for Tyler. He shoves the paper into his backpack and is the fist out of the classroom when the bell rings for lunch. The cloudy day outside totally reflects his mood as he stomps to his car in the parking lot. It's only after he's inside the vehicle that he breath's again. He goes digging for his I-pod and once the ear-buds are in and the angry music fills his head does he readjusts his seat and cross his arms behind his head. He watches unseeing out of his windshield at his classmates at lunch and he feels so utterly disconnected from them. He absentmindedly searches through the crowd and finally finds Jeremy Gilbert. He's sitting alone, his eyes closed, as he too, listens to his music. Just looking at Gilbert makes Tyler hard, so behind the protection of the tinted windows of his car, he jerks off watching Jeremy zone out in his own little world.
"I wanna take you somewhere sometime" says Jason as he tries to regulate his breathing
They've just finished particularly intense round of fucking and now they're lying on their backs, their naked bodies glisten with sweat, Tyler blinks drowsily, his brain slowly coming back on line after his intense orgasm. He feels Jason shift next to him and his turns his head slowly coming to face Jason sleepy smile as he props himself up on his side to gaze at Tyler, because that's exactly what he's doing…gazing, almost lovingly.
Jason reaches out and gentle trails his index finger down Tyler's toned chest and stomach, Tyler just watches Jason's face; he sees a complex blend of emotions play out on the beautiful face, he sees things that freak him out and send off warning bells in his head. He and Jason has a silent agreement: neither one would get attached, this thing they had was casual, a hook up, nothing more, only, by the looks of it, Jason is reading far too much into what they have.
"You're really man pretty Lockwood" says Jason fondly smirking
"Whatever. I need to get go'n" replies Tyler in a dismissive tone, he makes to get up but Jason rolls on top of him, pinning him down
"Get off me" says Tyler coldly
Jason looks at him for a moment before he leans down and kisses Tyler. The kiss is an odd mixture of gentle and passionate and at first Tyler is unresponsive but gradually he gives in and opens his mouth to allow Jason in. The kiss gains in passion and Tyler opens his eyes a brief moment and then pulls back in shock at Jeremy Gilbert blissful face looking back at him.