*~ Thanks so much for reviewing on my last fic, it meant the world to me. Please review this one too! Thanks! This comes after just finishing my term paper and needing a break, the song is by Travis ~*
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters on Friends or the song
Chandler slammed the door and startled Monica.
"You wanted to talk!" He yelled. "Start talking." She flinched at the sound of his voice and wanted to curl into a ball and die right there.
"Chandler," she started. She glanced out the window trying to find the right words to say. She noticed it was raining. She had always loved the rain. The way when you could hear it fall and you knew that you were inside safe and dry. Funny how most people associated it with sadness. She didn't. She associated it with safety. She felt safe when it was raining. Especially when it rained and she was in Chandler's arms. Then she felt really safe. Not anymore. What had happened? When had they stopped being in charge of their lives? When had outside forces gotten the better of them? When had it become more than them?
"Are you going to say something?" Her husband demanded.
"It's raining," her voice was so soft that Chandler wondered if he heard her right. The rain. That was right, she loved the rain. Storms even more. Storms had always frightened him. But not Monica. She would run to the window and squeal when she saw the lightening flash across the city sky. It had been okay when he had his arms around her. Then he could take the thunder and the lightening. What if he had to face the storms alone? Could he handle it?
"Yes," he said. He was no longer mad at her. He had been so enraged when she had called over to Ross's where he was staying and told him that she knew that they were fighting and she had said that she wanted a divorce, but could he please come over so that they could talk? He had considered not going, but the chance to get her back. That had been too big to pass up. Too big to even consider there was another possible answer then yes.
"Chandler, I'm sorry. I just feel sometimes that our relationship is not ours. That its in someone else's hands," she said and he noticed the tears that matched the rain starting to fall down her face. He just wanted to pull her to him and rock her back and forth and remind her that it was okay because he was there for her. But he didn't. He just stood opposite from her and watched her. Maybe that's what had happened. Maybe he had stopped going to her and instead just let her cry on her own. He nodded. He understood.
"What now?" He asked. He dreaded the answer. Would she tell him to get lost? That she didn't want to be his wife anymore? She shrugged.
"I don't know if I can stay married to you anymore," she admitted in a small voice. He should have been angry or upset, but he was neither. He was just sad. Sad that their relationship had come to this point. This was the point that they never thought they'd have to face. Not Monica and Chandler. They wouldn't have marriage problems. Look at us now, Chandler thought.
"What now?" He repeated.
"Maybe we take a break," she said. "Maybe we separate, for now at least." He nodded.
"Figure some things out," he added and she nodded. He walked past her on his way out and touched her hand. "It's not your fault Mon." She nodded tearfully as she watched him walk out of their apartment and into the rain.
More than us
we are theirs
they don't know it's in their hands
its more than you and its more than I
but its more
and everybody calls it love
I'm not really sure if it's love, at all
No not anymore
They couldn't believe it when Monica and Chandler told them. They were going to be separated? This wasn't right. Some cruel joke that they were playing on their friends. They were all at the coffee shop talking about it when Monica walked in. Her dark hair was pulled half back and she ordered a latte and gave a weak smile to her friends as she added to Gunther that it was to go.
"You okay Mon?" Rachel asked. Monica nodded.
"I'm fine, thanks," she said and got her drink and left the coffee house before anyone could ask anymore questions. Questions killed her. The demanding of answers that she didn't have killed her. Ruined her. Cut her to pieces. So she avoided her friends. She wondered if Chandler did. If he didn't then their support and friendship would go to him. That's okay, she thought. She wanted him to be happy.
Chandler, however, hadn't ventured out of the hotel room he was staying at. He had the same thoughts that Monica had. As long as she was happy, then he could deal with life. As long as she felt safe and loved, even if it wasn't from him. He feel into a restless sleep and dreamt about her all night. He just wished that he could turn off his dreams. Just once so that he would think about her twenty-four hours a day. He loved her. Or he had thought he did. Maybe she was right. Maybe they did just a little time apart. Maybe that's all it would take to get them together again. He missed her. Oh how he missed her. He wanted to hold her in his arms and kiss her. It had been too much, though, and he knew that. He knew that she hadn't wanted to leave him anymore then he wanted to leave her. But it was more than them now. He understood how she felt. Like everything was out of their hands. He knew. He wanted to call her and tell her.
"Monica!" He'd shout into the phone. "I know! I understand!" He wanted to call her so badly. He wanted to just hear her voice. See her face. Chandler wasn't angry with her anymore. He just wanted her back. But somehow, he knew that even if he did get her back nothing would be the same. Nothing could go back to it was when their relationship was just theirs and nothing could stand in their way.
More then he
and more than she
they all sleep
but we just dream
its more or less
means more for us
but it's more
"How are you Mon?" She didn't dare look at him. If she looked at him then everything fell apart. And then she couldn't piece it back together. And if she couldn't piece it back together....well, she just couldn't look at him. That's what it came down to.
"I'm okay," she answered. Don't make eye contact. No eye contact. "You?"
"I'm okay," he said and he saw her avoiding his eyes. Oh Mon, he wanted to say and hold her. We're making a mistake. Can't you see? But she didn't, she remained with her eyes glued to the floor.
"That's good," she said and she finally looked up. "What did you say that you needed?"
"Just some more clothes," he answered. She nodded and walked into the bedroom. He wondered if he should follow her or not. This is what their relationship had come down to. Should he follow her into their bedroom or not? He finally decided yes and walked in behind her. The room still smelled like her. The bed was made the way that she liked and there was the book that she had been reading next to her side of the bed. It almost seemed as if nothing had changed. But it had. Everything had.
"Get whatever you need," she said and walked past him and they touched. Monica felt the tears return to her eyes and she ran out of the room and he heard a door slam. He figured he wouldn't see her again that day, and got his things and left the apartment.
Monica had run into Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel found her and gathered her friend into her embrace.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm tired," Monica said softly. "I'm tired of crying. I thought that this was supposed to be easy. You know, fall in love with a prince and have him love you and you love him and it was easy. Everything fell in place and time seemed to stop for you to be together. What happened Rachel? When did it become more than that?" Rachel didn't have an answer for her friend as much as she wanted to tell her that it would be okay that her and Chandler were meant to be together and they would work this out. The truth was that Rachel didn't know that for sure. She was as clueless as her friends. Monica looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders and Rachel desperately wanted to take it off and carry some for her. But she didn't know how, and she didn't think that it was her place. It was someone else's place. And he wasn't there.
and everybody wants a hand
I'm too busy holding up the world
to carry on
oh not anymore
"Chandler?" The phone had rung and Chandler had leaned over and answered it in the middle of the night.
"Rachel?" He sat up and looked at the clock. It was four in the morning. "What's the matter? Is something wrong with Monica?"
"Calm down," Rachel told him. "She's just sick and her fever is starting to rise and we can't find the cough medicine and she's asleep finally and we really didn't want to have to wake her until we had it." Chandler breathed a sigh of relief.
"Bottom of the cupboard in the bathroom," he told Rachel.
"Joe!" He heard. "Cupboard, bathroom. Thanks Chandler." Then he heard coughing in the background. Some shuffling and Monica's voice telling Rachel something and then he heard the achingly familiar tone.
"I told them not to call. It's the middle of the night, and besides that I'm not sick," she told him.
"She is," he heard Rachel yell. To this he had to smile. She hated being sick and she often pretended that she wasn't when she was. He knew her secrets and tricks and she could be as tiring as a child when it came to taking medicine.
"Take the medicine, Monica," he told her.
"Chandler...but!"
"No," he told her firmly. "Take it."
"Fine," she huffed. "Bye."
"Good night," he said and hung up the phone and leaned against the pillow. He just wanted to get away. Anywhere but New York. Hearing her voice, that had been too much. But he needed her. He knew that. He needed her. And he loved when she needed him, not that often, but still. He would walk to the edge of the earth for her.
Monica laid in bed , the medicine starting to kick in and make her sleepy. She missed him more than she chose to admit. She loved him more than she did admit. She needed him than she wanted to admit. This separation had been stupid. It had also been her idea.
"Great going genius," she told herself and turned to her other side to get comfortable. She knew that Rachel was in the guest room staying the night with her. As sweet as that was, Rachel was not the one that she wanted to stay the night.
"Remember why you suggested this break in the first place," she told herself. But the thing was that she couldn't remember. She couldn't remember why she had done this and quite frankly she thought it was ridiculous anymore. She wanted him. She needed him. She knew that if he needed her that she would be there. She would be there for him and she would stay. But the question she needed to ask herself was would he stay for her?
I wish that I could fly, fly, fly away
And if I should fall, and you hear me call
won't you stay?
More than us
because we are theirs
they don't know that it's in their hands
Chandler came over a few weeks later to pick up more of his stuff. Slowly but surely it seemed that he was moving out of the apartment. This time Monica stayed in the living room while he got his things. She couldn't be in the same room with him anymore. When he was done, he came back in to find her reading a book and watching him.
"Hi," he said smiling a half smile at her.
"Hi," she replied and smiled back at him. This was the first time, he thought to himself, that we've been able to smile at each other.
"How are you?" He asked. She shrugged.
"You?"
"Eh," he responded and she nodded. There was a moment of silence before she spoke up again.
"Chandler? I think we need to talk again," she put down her book and looked at him. He remembered the first time she had wanted to talk. They ended up being separated. Would they end up divorced this time?
"Mon..."
"Chandler, I don't know."
"What?"
"I don't know anything. I don't know where we're going, or where we are, or were, or could be. I don't know if I want to stay married, and I don't know if I want to be divorced. I know I don't like this. I don't like not knowing." She was crying and the tears were coming fast and furiously. He nodded and took her hand.
"So where does that leave us?" He asked quietly. She shrugged and they sat in silence once more.
"I don't want to be apart from you anymore," she said softly.
"Neither do I."
"But I don't know how to stay married."
"Neither do I." Silence.
"So what now?"
"We just sit here I guess until one of us figures it out." She nodded and they sat. He had her hand in his and she glanced out the window.
"Look," she said softly. "It's raining." He removed his attention from her and he looked out the window as well.
"Why, yes it is," he said and he smiled at her and she smiled back. It meant little, and yet it meant everything. So instead of moving, they just sat and watched the rain some more.
and its more than I
but its more
and everybody calls it love
but I'm not really sure
this is love, at all
no not anymore
Anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore
*~ Okay, I just wanted to let you know that I know that it kind of ended without a real resolution. I may write another chapter, but may just leave it as it was. Tell me what you think I should do. Tell me what you thought. It was something short to get my mind off the term paper, but I'd appreciate you reviewing.*~