Chapter 1: Phil's Girlfriend
It was a clear morning, surprisingly not rainy, when Dan woke up. Of course every nice story would begin this way. As the reader and an obvious adorer of Phan, you would then expect Dan to lazily roll out of bed and skulk into the kitchen where we would see Phil making a breakfast of bacon and pancakes. Well you would be almost correct. Dan did roll out of bed, but not before trying to hit the sun, which was blinding him from the window, with his pillow. He felt rather stupid when he didn't hear the thunk of the pillow hitting the window. The only sound that came was a man from the sidewalk yelling "WHAT THE BLOODY…? SINCE WHEN DID IT RAIN PILLOWS IN ENGLAND?" It was that moment when Dan realized he left the window opened because it was flipping hot the night before. After Dan rolled out of bed he did skulk to the kitchen. From the kitchen he could hear Phil snoring loudly. Dan pulled out his phone that was lingering in his pajama pants' pocket, though he didn't remember leaving it in his pocket before he went to bed, and looked at the time.
8:53 a.m.
"It is simply inhumane to be awake this early in the morning," he thought before he looked at the date on his phone. "And it is August 17, which means Phil's girlfriend is coming over so they can celebrate their anniversary. It's been a year; you'd think they would go out on a date or something. I would take him to the zoo and then a nice restaurant, but it's not my relationship, and I don't think his girlfriend would take my advice."
He spun around and fixed himself a quick bowl of cereal and spun around again to pour the milk into the bowl.
He looked at the new gallon of milk with disdain as he thought, "I hate being the first one to pour the milk; it always spills everywhere."
Regardless, he poured milk into the bowl of arid, sugar-coated wheat and managed not to spill everywhere. Proud of himself, he spun around one more time to head back to his room. The milk teetered then tottered and spilled all over the front of his black shirt. He frowned and grabbed a dish cloth and washed up the mess before he headed to his room…more carefully this time.
"Best make myself scarce today, so to not disturb the love birds," as he thought this to himself he heard Phil's door open.
"Oh, Phil, good morning and congrats for making it a year with that lucky lady. I will be in my room and out of your hair so you can have a lovely time with her," he said, maybe a little too quickly for Phil's morning mind to process.
Phil moaned an understanding grumble as he tousled his jet black lion's mane of a bed head mess. His eyes suddenly widened in either shock, terror, or joy…Dan couldn't really tell. "That's right. Dana's coming over today," he said quickly before jumping into the shower and getting prepared for her arrival.
Dan shrugged and went back into his room where he devoured his cereal. "I AM THE DINOSAUR!" he would exclaim to himself as he ate the cereal like the true predator he imagined himself to be. Yes, Dan is okay. He is a lonely man with a vivid imagination, not to mention Phil was in the shower, so he could not possibly hear the absurdity of this display. Once the mighty Danosaur had parched the milk lake, he felt overwhelmed with laziness and placed the bowl on the floor beside the bed and fell asleep.
Three hours later, Dan awoke to the sound of the apartment door opening. Since when was he this easy to wake up? He could hear Dana's obnoxiously bubbly giggle and then he could hear her asking where Dan was and then Phil explaining that he would be leaving them alone for the day. With that cue, Dana began knocking on his door.
"Wake up, Mister Sleepy-head! I haven't seen you in SUCH a long time!" she exclaimed as she opened the door to Dan's bedroom and began pulling off his blankets.
"You came over last week, now please let me sleep," Dan said and tossed a pillow at her, which she caught easily.
She responded with a pout and then threw the pillow back at Dan. "If that's how you want to play, then let's play! Come on Phil!" She picked the last two pillows up from off of Dan's bed and tossed one to Phil as he ran in to catch it. "How does two against one sound? It sounds fair to me."
"It is not fair, Dana! I call Phil," Dan exclaimed.
"It's only fair that I have Phil, he's my boyfriend," she snapped back.
"Well you didn't need to rub salt into that wound, now did you little miss "perfect". I don't know what Phil sees in you, you possessive cat-anus-licker," was what Dan wanted to say but seeing Phil blushing from being flustered and embarrassed of being fought over he decided that shaming the "love of his life" was not called for. Instead he said, "Why don't we let Phil decide?"
Phil smiled and lifted his pillow above his head, "THE LONE LION IS HIS OWN TEAM AND SHALL ATTACK WITH HIS PILLOW OF DOOM!" he exclaimed as he swung hitting Dan and Dana both in the face. He laughed and with a mighty strike, the Danosaur whapped Phil on the head with his pillow. Dana flailed her pillow around hitting Dan and Phil sporadically and only getting hit by Dan's pillow. This continued on until Phil fell off of the bed his foot landing in the dirty bowl Dan had left there.
Phil looked at the bowl and laughed, "Looks like someone was lazy today. Don't worry, your highness, for I will carry the dirty cereal reciprocal into the kitchen for you," he giggled more and Dan pouted at him. Dana began laughing hysterically at Phil's formal language. "Do you ever plan on taking a shower, Lord Dan?"
Dan sniffed himself and realized that his best friend was right; he needed a shower, desperately. Phil walked into the kitchen and began washing the bowl for Dan. Dana then sniffed him and immediately curled herself away back from him covering her nose, truly revolted. "She is such a bubble-burster," Dan thought as he threw her blanket on top of her.
"HEY!" she yelled from inside the blanket abyss. The blanket tossing was a mild punishment for popping Dan's personal space bubble. He laughed as she tried searching her way out of the blanket, probably messing up her hair, "COULD SOMEONE HELP ME OUT?" she yelled. And on that cue, Dan left for the shower before Phil came back from the kitchen and scolded him for throwing a blanket on his girlfriend and not helping her get "un-lost".
Dan locked the bathroom door and turned on the water for the shower, letting the hot water steam up the room. He stripped down and out of his pajamas and stepped into the shower. The hot water relaxed the small stress building up from Dana. He never liked her, and he knew she never liked him. Phil insisted that once he got to know her he would realize that she was just like him. But, maybe that was why Dan didn't like her. He even thought that she resembled him and that always freaked him out. Dana had milk chocolate brown eyes that were always filled with a general dislike for the world but at the same time an amusement for it. Her wispy dark brown hair would shimmer a caramel brown when the sunlight hit it just right. Not to mention she had a lean figure that resembled his. Dan laughed as he shampooed his hair and thought, "She even dresses like me. Black skinny jeans and a dark tee-shirt, she mostly wears band shirts. Come to think of it we would get along, if she wasn't so annoying I suppose."
The shampoo bubble slid easily down his chest as he rinsed out his hair. He then lathered himself up with the manliest shower wash he could pick, raspberry. Phil got him into this stuff, it smelled lovely and it made him want to eat himself once in a while. Once he felt thoroughly surrounded by the scent, he rinsed himself off. The shower smelled like sweet raspberry fairy princesses at this point. He smiled and turned off the shower, feeling squeaky clean.
He opened the shower door and he noticed that the bathroom was filled with steam. He turned on the bathroom fan and began to dry off. The steam slowly evaporated and vacated the room via fan. When Dan could finally see clearly in the mirror he analyzed his face. "No hint of moustache, no hint of beard, no reason to shave…as usual." He looked around in the bathroom, hoping that he had remembered to grab clean clothes before he went into the shower. When he saw that he had forgotten, he wrapped his towel around his waist and decided to brave the walk to his room. He put his ear to the door and he heard Phil and Dana laughing at a movie they were watching.
"I can just sneak by no problem"
Dan turned off the light in the bathroom and quickly walked to his room, locking his door behind him. He listened to his door and heard Dana and Phil still laughing. Dan couldn't help but wonder what they were watching that was that funny.
He began rummaging through his drawers and pulled out a pair of boxers (black), a pair of skinny jeans (black) and a tee-shirt that had a green dinosaur on it that said "DINOSAURS GO RAWR". This epically amazing tee was sent to him from a fan and it was a direct reference to the song "Dinosaurs Go Rawr" by Amy Can Flyy. It was a catchy song and an awesome shirt.
Dan ran his fingers through his hair which was already dry and with slight panic, he ran to the nearest mirror in hoped that his hair hadn't done its natural wavy thing. But, when he looked in the mirror he saw that it was perfectly parted and his fringe was to the left. He smiled and laughed at his reflection, "I must be dreaming," he said to the mirror. Relieved that he wouldn't have to spend fifteen minutes trying to control his hair, Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket. "My phone must be travelling from pants pocket to pants pocket because I could have sworn I didn't put his phone in his pocket yet." Shrugging the thought off, Dan looked at the time.
8:53 a.m.
"This is impossible. I must have spent at least twenty minutes in the shower. Not to mention, Dana and Phil have been watching a movie. Why isn't time passing?"
He looked in the mirror again and stared at his reflection and decided to count the seconds out loud to himself.
"1 alligator, 2 alligator, 3 alligator, 4 alligator, 5 alligator, 6 alligator, 7 alligator, 8 alligator, 9 alligator, 10 alligator…," Dan continued counting like this. Panic aroused in his mind the closer to sixty he got. Thoughts of a possible paradox, an apocalypse, if he was in a coma living his life in his mind, or if he was dead kept making him uneasy to even check the time after he was done counting.
"55 alligator, 56 alligator, 57 alligator, 58 alligator, 59 alligator, 60 alligator," Dan gasped, finishing his minute count. There was no doubt in his mind that his phone would read "8:54". He apprehensively pulled out his phone and looked at the time.
8:53 a.m.
There was no way. Dan ran out of his room and ran into a very cross looking Dana and Phil. They stared at him with blank eyes; no iris, no pupils, just pools of white. Phil's mouth was in a slight frown, while Dana's mouth was a wide grin.
"What's going on?" Dan yelped. His voice was high-pitched and panicked, "First the time, and now you guys are acting up. Where am I? What's happening?"
He grabbed Phil by the shoulders and shook him as hard as he could and yelled as loud as he possibly could, "PHIL SNAP OUT OF IT PLEASE! PLEASE TELL ME WHATS GOING ON!"
Phil looked at him, dead-pan and said nothing.
"I know, let me get you both a glass of water. That should help right?" Dan nervously queried. He tried to wiggle himself by them but they were stronger than steel and immobile like a brick wall. Dan took a few steps back, and they grabbed his shoulders.
"You weren't supposed to figure it out," Dana whispered. Her voice sounded rasped and dry and more like the hiss of a snake.
"Figure what out? That my phone has the wrong time?" Dan giggled nervously, hoping that this wouldn't end like the horror games him and Phil would play.
"You're dreaming, Dan," Phil stated. It sounded as if many Phil's were speaking all at different octaves. "Now it's time for you to wake up."
They began to pull him towards the balcony of the apartment. But, Dan wouldn't give up without a fight. He kicked and screamed like a five year-old throwing a tantrum, hoping that he could trip up clumsy Phil or annoy Dana. Neither of them let him go, though. Their faces remained blank and their strength was too much.
"The best way to wake up from a dream is to just DIE," Dana stated, "So stop fidgeting."
"This is for your own good, Dan," Phil insisted.
They arrived with Dan at the balcony and with one push Dan fell over the edge.