Disclaimer: Not mine
Author's notes: Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta
Summary: As the brothers begin to battle the darkness. Sam tries to deal with the final devastating loss the mark inflicted before it disappeared.
o0o
Sam stepped outside the motel room he and Dean were working a job from. He stood there a moment taking in the cool night air and the silence of the late hour, before heading towards the back of the building.
Where he soon was seated on the only remaining swing in an over grown and neglected play area.
He couldn't sleep. It had become a nightly problem the past couple of weeks, even with beginning to battle the creatures that had crawled out of the darkness.
o0o
Dean had always said that watching out for Sam and keeping him safe was a part of who he was. As Sam grew into adulthood he bitched about it at times, feeling suffocated and controlled by Dean who sometimes had trouble letting go.
But truth be told Sam had treasured for as long as he could remember the way his big brother looked out for him, and the warmth and security of that unconditional love he knew drove it.
This emotional link he shared with Dean was a constant in Sam's life, and it became a part of him, much in the way it had become a part of Dean, and Sam leaned on the strength and comfort of it with the job they did.
But that constant he'd known for most of his life was torn away the moment Sam learned Dean had set him up to kill him.
o0o
As he sat in the darkness, Sam could still feel the shock, and then the numbing pain that blanketed him, when he heard from Dean's own lips what he'd done and what he and Death planned to do.
Dean wasn't himself anymore Sam knew that. The power of the mark, his big brother had fought off so valiantly had taken root deep inside him. But that little piece of him left, Sam managed to reach, and it was Death who Dean killed instead.
But that connection he and Dean had shared most of their lives. That constant so deep and powerful it felt like their souls were joined, had been ripped away, not by fault, but of circumstance.
o0o
When the spell worked, and the mark was gone. Sam thought he could put this out of his mind, get past it, and move on somehow. But Sam found out quickly how impossible that was. A part of himself was missing and it cut deep and he felt lost and untethered without it.
He also felt guilty, childish, and even selfish too for feeling this way, especially after getting his brother back, but most of all, he felt unbearable pain.
Pain, that crying gave him no relief from. Yet he needed that release now and he couldn't let Dean see him, as he could never tell Dean how he felt and why. Sam wouldn't hurt his brother that way, especially after everything he'd already been through.
o0o
Dean awoke, not surprised after that many beers, to have an urgent need to use the bathroom. First thing he spotted getting out of bed was that Sam's was empty. Trying not to read too much into it Dean used the bathroom and then took a peek outside to find the impala still there, but no sign of Sam.
He knew something was really bothering Sam. Other than the ton of crap that went down this past year.
Dean knew it since the darkness had dissipated and they were back in the bunker. He could see it in Sam's eyes. In every conversation they had. Even when Sam insisted it was a culmination of everything that had happened this past year, Dean didn't buy it. He couldn't remember a time he'd seen Sam look so lost and unsure of himself. Like he'd lost his bearings.
o0o
Dean headed outside and after checking the impala, the parking lot, and both directions on the main street in front of the motel. He decided to check the perimeter of the building and it wasn't long before he spotted a figure sitting on a swing in the back of the motel. No doubt, that silhouette belonged to Sam.
Dean watched his brother from a distance for a few minutes. How he sat there with his head down, pushing himself gently on the swing, and letting it move on its own until it came to a stop. Then repeating it.
Dean hurt for Sam, wanting to take away what ever pain he was in. He hurt for the close relationship that always seemed just in reach for the two of them, only to be yanked away.
Dean wanted that relationship more than anything. He needed it. But right now he felt it unlikely with what he had done. But Dean was still going to try. He wanted to go to Sam but instead decided to return to their motel room and wait for him there. Give Sam the space he needed and then they'd talk.
o0o
Sam quietly opened the motel room door surprised to find Dean awake and sitting on his bed.
"We need to talk," Dean spoke softly. "Really talk."
"Can we do this tomorrow?" Sam asked, keeping his distance and avoiding eye contact. He wanted to get out of having this conversation and if his brother could see he'd been crying, he stood no chance of that. Which meant he'd have to explain why, and that Dean would never let it drop until he did.
Right now with just the moon light filtering in he had a shot at it.
o0o
"No Sam," Dean firmly rejected his request to put this off. "So much of what happens to us, is because we don't talk, we keep secrets and we..."
..lie," Sam added, knowing where this was going.
"I'm not trying to pick a fight Sammy," Dean said. "I've done my share of lying and keeping things from you. What I want is to put all that behind us and start off with a clean slate. One in which we talk to each other and are honest with each other. Uncomfortably honest if need be."
"What do you say?" Dean asked, as if his well being rode on it.
"I want that too Dean," Sam answered, and he did. But being honest meant hurting Dean. But not answering would have done the same.
I'll even go first," Dean solved his brother's dilemma momentarily. Reaching over towards the night stand he switched on the lamp.
"Sammy," Dean stood and moved closer to his brother, the brightened room exposing the tell tale signs he'd been crying. "Come here," Dean took hold of his brother's arm and seated him on the edge of his bed, then he sat opposite Sam on his.
"I said I'd go first Sammy and I will. But then I want you to tell me whats bothering you, why you can't sleep and about this," Dean gently cupped his brother's face studying it briefly with pained eyes before letting go.
o0o
"What I've been doing these past few weeks," Dean began. "Is trying to figure out how to live with what I've done."
"I can't undo it. I can never make up for it. All I can do is continue with what you and me do best, and that's hunting things and helping people."
"I can't do it without you!" Dean blurted out, giving Sam a questioning, almost pleading look.
"I'm here Dean," Sam said confused.
"Even after we find a way to harness this darkness?"
"Why would you think I'd be anywhere else?" Sam said bewildered. "Especially after all of this."
"Because of what I did."
"Dean, I know it wasn't you that tried to kill me."
"I know you do. But I cost us something else. Something all the understanding and wanting it back can't undo.
Sam eyes widened. He'd been so lost and caught up in his own pain it never occurred to him. Dean.
"I failed you Sammy," Dean's pain began to pour out. "I broke the promise I made the night Mom died. To protect you and keep you safe. It was more than my job, it was a part of me and who I am and when..."
"I never thought it would be me you'd ever need protecting from Sammy," Dean spoke close to tears.
"I destroyed something between us when I tried to kill you and now there's this piece of me missing and I..," Dean stopped talking, the realization of what was bothering Sam hitting him hard.
"Oh God Sammy, this is what's been bothering you and keeping you up at night and...its why you were crying isn't it?"
Sam didn't have to answer his eyes said it all.
"I'm responsible for this," Dean lowered his head looking defeated. "There's no fixing it. No going back."
"But there is going forward Dean," Sam answered surprising himself and his brother with this new sense of hope.
"How?" Dean asked.
"By remembering what we have is not gone or missing. Just temporarily disconnected by the mark. That we can move on from here Dean and rebuild on what we had before this happened.
Because what we shared most of our lives, that can never be taken away. Not by anyone or the mark. That can only happen if we let it Dean and I refuse to let it. You with me?"
"Always Sammy. But how did you do it?"
"Do what?"
"How did you get from there to here so quickly?" Dean asked taken aback by Sam's about face.
"You!"
"Me?" Dean looked perplexed.
"Yes," Sam confirmed."Talking to you helped."
"Now I'm really lost Sammy."
"I was so consumed by what happened Dean. The pain, and what I felt was lost. That my way of dealing with it was to keep my head down and focus on the darkness. I didn't see what I had or that you were hurting from this too. I guess you could say Dean, you made me look up."
"I'm glad you did Sammy."
"Me too. It's not going be easy. But you're right Dean as long as we're honest and talk to each other."
"We'll figure it out."
"Like we always do," Sam finished the thought.
"Minus the soap opera drama," Dean added.
Sam laughed softly.
Dean eyed his brother warmly. That was a sound he'd missed.
"What?' Sam, puzzled at first, began to blush.
"Come here," Dean pulled Sam by his side, and then into his arms, hugging him tightly. Sam holding on, and sinking into the warmth and security he'd known his whole life.