A random one-shot at the most random of time. It was painful to read up about Japanese History T_T I'm not good at giving names so just overlook the title, the content is much better. I promise. I'm a novice when it comes to humor though, I think, I'm devoid of humorous cells. –cringes-
Alpha pair if you squint, but not really. A little OOC-ness is to be expected – well, I tried to keep them IC except Yanagi who crumbled away and sacrificed himself for the sake of my dry humor. There's minor Jackal bashing – but it isn't ill-intended.
Summary: When Akaya asked his senpai-tachi for help with a very unique Japanese History assignment, the Rikkai Dai team was prompted to sit down and contemplate about wars and the roles they would play in it.
Disclaimer: I don't own PoT.
History Project
Date and time: 10th August 20xx, 12:07
Location: Rikkai Dai Fuzoku Boys' Tennis Courts
"So, we are gathered here today not to train, but to help the brat with some silly summer assignment?" Nio folded his arms across his chest, turquoise-colored eyes fixated on his blue-haired captain and a brow raised skeptically.
"It looked interesting, so I figured I would sign all of us up. Besides, we have to take care of the little ones," replied Yukimura with a seraphic smile on his face; a golden halo above his head and celestial aura enshrouding him – well, no. Yukimua wasn't fooling anyone here.
"Seiichi is right. This year, the history department did come up with an interesting assignment," Yanagi, who was going through Kirihara's assignment held up the paper for everyone to see.
Rikkai Dai Fuzoku Year 2 Japanese History Summer Assignment
Dear second years, the following project is your sole Japanese History summer assignment and it will make up 50% of your grade for next term. Good luck and have fun!
Task: Interview seven people about their thoughts about wars and the roles they might play in it. Based on the data you have obtained, write a report of not more than 1500 words analyzing the rationale behind wars and the thoughts of their perpetuators.
Extra notes: Please attach a list of the interviewees, transcription(s) of the interview(s) conducted and their signatures to endorse that you have carried out the task fully as stated in this worksheet.
From: The History Department
"Why I never! Why didn't we have this kind of projects back when we were in second year, Yagyuu?" Nio whistled and cocked his head to face Yagyuu who was adjusting his spectacles. Roleplaying was their forte.
"Apparently, the History Department went through a massive reform under the lead of the new Head of Department," Yanagi flipped to a page in his leather bound notebook and read aloud, "Mutou-sensei decided to adopt Shitenhouji's fun-filled school life policy in an attempt to promote interest in history amongst the students." Yukimura nodded at his treasurer, pleased that Yanagi was as reliable as ever. The 'Master' could always be trusted to be updated with the latest information.
"Well then, Akaya-kun, shall we begin?" Yukimura smiled encouragingly at Kirihara, who nodded heavily and gripped his fists. He would never fail mura-buchou! Whether mura-buchou asked him to tackle (Marui –looking thoroughly baffled-: tackle? Where do you think we are in, Akaya? The pokemon universe?) an opponent down (Jackal –whispers-: Don't you think he meant to say 'take an opponent down'?) or brave a mountain made of swords or sea of flame (Nio: Le gasp! The kid knows a Chinese proverb!), he would never fail him!
Akaya's doe-like eyes were scintillating with too much brilliance for his team to face him face-to-face – and everyone except Yukimura averted their eyes.
"Did you do your research about the various roles in a war like I asked you to, Akaya-kun?" asked Yukimura patiently, ocean-blue eyes shimmering with a queer merry glint. Well, it was alright even if Akaya said no (actually, Yukimura would rather he said no), as a loving senpai, he wouldn't mind giving him some aid.
To his surprise, not only did Akaya complete his homework, the seaweed-haired second year also exceeded his captain's expectation by coming up with a comprehensive list of roles.
"Yes, buchou! I've chosen the Sengoku period. The seven roles I've thought about are daimyo, general, samurai, shogun, strategist, civilian and…" Kirihara hesitated before churning out the last role, "Geisha."
Yukimura's eyes twinkled, the rest of the team fell into an eerie silence.
"Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that geishas are supposed to be… women?" asked Marui, who was looking rather confused. Was there a girl that he didn't know about cross-dressing as a boy on Rikkai Dai boys team like in those fanfictions he had heard about in myths and legends?
Marui's eyes glittered excitedly – who was it, it couldn't be Jackal since they always showered together; definitely not Yagyuu – the last time they changed clothes in the locker room he saw the latter's abs; Sanada-fukubuchou was an automatic strike off; and Yukimura-buchou? Despite his feminine appearance, Marui knew that Yukimura was the least likely person on the team to be a cross-dresser – girls weren't that sadistic. Ah! It must be Nio! Only Nio the 'Trickster' could pull it off!
"Marui-senpai, Marui-senpai, are you alright?" Kirihara called out to Marui who had fallen into a blissful reverie, only to witness his senpai snapping out of his trance and pointing an accusing finger at Nio.
"Nio! Reveal yourself!" Back straight and chest puffed out towards Nio with his feet 90 degrees apart; Marui's pose strangely resembled the protagonist of the famous detective novel series Kindaichi when he was closing a case.
"… Puri."
Other than his signature catchphrase, Nio was at a loss for words – as are his teammates.
"Don't try to hide it – I know you're a girl!" Marui cried out dramatically, and that additional clue was sufficient for the omnipotent captain of the Rikkai Dai boys tennis team to trace Marui's esoteric thought pattern and have the latter figured out.
"Marui, I believe there's some form of misunderstanding here. There aren't any girls on our team, we are a boys tennis club," Yukimura assured Marui, "Besides… Didn't everyone undergo a checkup by Sanada when they joined the club? If there was a girl, she'd have been busted."
Nio wasn't foolish himself. With Yukimura's clarification, the 'Trickster' soon understood what Marui was getting at. Well, it'd seem that he hadn't been 'tending' to his candy red-haired teammate enough that the latter's memory (fear) of him was getting faint.
Nio made a mental note to shower Marui with lots of love after this. Puri.
"Ahh… Now that I recall, that's true…" said Marui sheepishly, unaware of his impending ominous fate.
"Since Akaya-kun already have the roles laid out, why don't we select our roles now?" Yukimura smiled graciously, "I propose that we draw lots to ensure fairness."
How was that fair? Most people were unaware of it – but Yanagi wasn't most people. During his rigorous data collection process, he found out something unexpectedly (horrendously) interesting about Yukimura, though, he'd never find the guts to reveal it in public in fear of execution.
Yukimura was an avid gambler gifted with photographic memory (honestly, God was too biased towards him), which meant that he'd always win unless he wanted to lose. As to how Yanagi found out – well, after a small trifle during New Year when both Sanada and he lost all their New Year money to Yukimura, Yanagi realized that something was wrong. How Sanada could not notice after all these years mystified him – but he decided against exposing Yukimura when he saw that threatening gleam in Yukimura's eyes.
The devil draped in an angel's skin knew that he knew – and he promised that there'd be hell for him if he exposed the fake angel.
Another thing that Yanagi would never admit was that – damn, pardon his language but – Yukimura could scare him shitless if he wanted to.
So draw lots it'd be. Yanagi had no idea what did Fate have in store for him, but there was no choice but to submit to Fate – or rather, the demon known as Yukimura Seiichi. Even if he got the geisha lot, which he dearly hoped he wouldn't.
"Let's see… Ah, I got civilian, how boring!" Marui pouted when he saw the text written on the piece of paper he unfolded. Yanagi begged to differ, when are things ever boring when Yukimura's involved?
"Samurai," Yagyuu pushed up his glasses and there was an eerie glint in his lenses.
"Ah… strategist," Nio waved his paper carelessly. Well, how befitting indeed.
"I, I'm the general," Jackal seemed – touched to tears that he was going to be a main character for once. Sengoku era was known for wars and conflicts, so the general would of course have many roles to play.
"Daimyo," Yukimura unrolled his paper and looked up innocently, like he didn't already know what his role was.
Yanagi took a deep breath – two roles remained, shogun and geisha. It was between him and Sanada. Who did Yukimura want to sabotage more? Inwardly hesitant and outwardly cool, Yanagi unrolled his paper like he was reading an imperial verdict in ancient China – and God, he'd have screamed and jumped for joy if he didn't have the reputation of a recollected, well-mannered and mature young man.
Shogun. Yanagi never found those characters more adorable, felt more affectionate – and relieved. He spared Sanada a sympathetic look – Yukimura truly loved making life difficult for Sanada. Somehow, the blue-haired captain found joy in teasing his black-haired vice-captain; Yanagi even formulated a theory based on the common notion that boys their age would tease the person (supposedly girl, but…) that they like – except Yukimura smashed the theory to bits before Yanagi ever wrote his first hypothesis by dating a girl.
Sanada's face was green and grim – no pun intended, he gripped the lot so tightly that irrevocable creases were formed and Yukimura smiled, graceful as Hera, the Queen of Zeus.
Nobody would've suspected that he was the one who pulled the strings behind this if they were to look at him now.
"Geisha," he grunted – or rather, growled; dagger-like eyes piercing Kirihara who was blissfully unaware that his training routine was going to be multiplied once more.
"With that we can begin… Who'd you like to interview first, Akaya-kun?"
"Umm… Can I begin with you, mura-buchou?" asked Kirihara, deep-green eyes filled with the brim with tender hope, whole faith and trust.
"Of course," Yukimura nodded majestically, pearly-whites shining.
"As a daimyo, what do you think about wars in general?"
"Ah… they are horrible," said Yukimura, brows furrowed in distress, "The fowls do not grow to maturity, and nobody wants to rent my land. My plants wilt, and my people weep, they cry day and night, and I could only wish peace could be restored soon."
"What are your jobs as a daimyo in the war?"
"I recruit soldiers," At here, Yukimura smiled, fierce ambitions within his gentle blue eyes, "I engage in battles with the other daimyos – because if I do not, my land would suffer more. I protect my people who pay taxes to me – and someday, I will unite the land. If I do not, my successors will follow in my lead."
Oda Nobunaga. Yanagi thought silently to himself, Yukimura spoke like the man who dared to dream about uniting Japan during the most chaotic period of the Sengoku era.
"Thank you, mura-buchou!" Kirihara quickly scribbled down whatever Yukimura said, after which he turned to Jackal, "Jackal-senpai, what do you think about wars?"
"A-ah? The battlefield is filled with opportunities for me to make my name," Jackal scratched his head, "Wars are where I thrive, and um, I'm glad – no, I'm delighted to be born in this period of the warring states because I can unleash my full potential."
"What do you think about your role?"
"My role? I guess I'm in charge of boosting the army's morale, lead my lord's soldier at the frontier and eliminate all who defy my lord. I fight for my lord, and my life is my lord's."
Poor Jackal was at a loss for words. He never realized how little he knew about generals until Kirihara posted the question.
"Is that all, Jackal-senpai?" Kirihara asked, slightly disappointed. The general was supposed to have a huge role in the Sengoku period and he was planning on writing a special excerpt based on the general too.
"Just a moment! Ah I know! I also umm, patrol the land and negotiate treaties!" Jackal sputtered.
"Kuwahara-kun," Yagyuu looked at Jackal, "I believe that patrolling should be done by your subordinates, and negotiating treaties is the job of ambassadors which are usually sent externally – either that, or it'd be the job of the strategist."
"Yagyuu-senpai is so knowledgeable!" Kirihara was quick to scribble it down – and le gasp Kirihara proposed an antithesis, "Umm, are samurais supposed to know so much?"
"In certain households, some samurais are rather well-read," Yukimura smiled affirmatively.
"Ahh… okay, thank you, mura-buchou," Kirihara jotted everything down and turned to Marui, "Marui-senpai, what do you think about wars?"
"Wars? They suck – I can't go out and buy my candies, the city is so chaotic nobody has the time to appreciate my genius stunts! And that's not all; I can't embark on sweets hunt with Jirou!"
Kirihara nodded and wrote down Marui's words, "What are the roles you play in wars?"
"I spur trade activities of course~! Nobody can resist my genius pastries – they are work of art! I bring in income for the city and uhh, yeahs. Besides that, I guess I also join the army and fight in the wars? Maybe raise some cattle and grow some crops?" Marui finished off sheepishly upon noticing that he was running off topic.
"Thank you, Marui-senpai. Yagyuu-senpai, what about you? What are your views about wars?"
"Wars… they are terrible. Lives are lost every day and people die by the thousands. Blood smears my blade and its metallic scent is never missing in the air. The land is barren, despite the fertile soil; the cries of devastated civilians for their dead beloved ones fill the air day and night – and I often see widows weeping by stone tablets and praying in shrines."
As expected from Yagyuu who has no loophole in any subjects! He puts every single answer before him to shame with the sheer literature prowess of the scene he describes!
"Amazing, Yagyuu-senpai!" Marui gave Yagyuu a thumb-up, "What about your roles as a samurai?"
"I'm the sword in my lord's hand, I carry out his most important missions which allow me no grounds for benevolence; I kill the men assigned to me with no questions asked, I eradicate my lord's threats which the army cannot reach; I uphold the pride of the household I serve, and I protect the family members of my lord."
"Thank you, Yagyuu-senpai," Kirihara sneaked a glance to Jackal who looked crestfallen – a samurai's answer was more brilliant than a general's… Well, perhaps the spotlight is almost never on him for a reason after all... Kirihara looked at Nio, "Nio-senpai, what do you think about wars?"
With a dramatic swiping action, Nio drawled, "Wars? They are great – I clash with other people of my kind as we claw at each other to reach the top. It's entertaining to watch their faces go ashen when they realize that they can never defeat me," Nio grinned and sent chills down almost everyone's spine, "Battlefields are my playground; they are my chessboards, and everyone's my chess pieces. It's where I thrive, and where I'll shine."
The common thought across everyone's mind at that moment was – how fortunate that Nio wasn't born in war-torn Japan. This man would've ruined Japan; to think Yukimura was thought to be the sadist of Rikkai Dai… Well screw that, they have all underestimated Nio!
"… What are your roles as the strategist then?"
"I plan how to kill, where to kill, when to kill, who to kill, and what to kill."
Nio's flat tone and series of clauses containing the word 'kill' sounded truly terrorizing.
"Aside from doing that, I guess at times I have to predict the enemy's movement so as to facilitate easier killing, and I'd strategize so that the number of men my troop kills exceeds the number of men which are killed, and I'll have to arrange everything so that my lord isn't killed by the end of the war."
… Yup, it was definitely a good thing Nio wasn't born during the Sengoku period. His obsession with the word 'kill' was definitely suggesting something.
"Thank you, Nio-senpai… Yanagi-senpai, how about your thoughts about the war?"
"I will emerge victorious, and unite the land. Wars are inevitable in the process, and I see it as a pavement to future peace. The country is in turmoil for now – but this pandemonium will not last for long. One of these days, wars will no longer plague the land, and then… peace will be restored, and everyone will be granted eternal bliss and happiness."
Yanagi's answer wasn't too shabby in comparison to Yagyuu's. He was after all, an expert in World History.
"How about your roles as a shogun?"
"Despite being the shogun, I actually wield little power because of the clash of interests between various factions. I was supposed to rule above the military with the trust of the Emperor… but in fact, I cannot achieve much because of my limited power."
"Thank you, Yanagi-senpai. Sanada-fukubuchou… What are your thoughts about wars?" Kirihara was a little hesitant – he couldn't imagine Sanada as a… geisha.
Everyone perked their ears at the moment they have been anticipating. Sanada posing as a geisha – they had to summon all their self-control to prevent themselves from bursting out in peals of laughter. He wouldn't be seen dead!
"… Business is bad," Sanada spat out with a surly expression.
Kirihara wasn't sure if he should prompt Sanada for a more elaborate response – luckily, somebody did it for him.
"Sanada, you should give Akaya-kun a more detailed response," said Yukimura gently – and innocently.
"I… I take that back. Be it in times of peace or times of chaos, my, my business never declines… the men need entertainment. After all," Sanada gritted his teeth, "They. Are. Men."
Kirihara decided not to push his luck, "What are your roles as a… geisha?"
"…" Sanada took a deep breath, "I entertain people." Need I say more? Sanada shot Kirihara a dark, warning look, making the second year flinch.
"Sanada."
Yukimura's voice was light and almost inconspicuously threatening. Almost.
"I dance, I drink with men, I put on white powder on my face, I dress in kimonos, I…" The stress of being under public scrutiny seemed to have made the last strand of sanity in Sanada snap and through gritted teeth he said something he regretted immediately – "I sleep with them."
Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. The cricket chirped trice as the Rikkai Dai team lapsed into a silence.
Pat.
"You did well, Sanada," said Yukimura as he pat Sanada on the back, a brilliant smile on the former's face. Yanagi could've sworn that he saw little horns sticking out of Yukimura's messy blue hair and dark wings spreading behind the seraphic youth's back – was that a tail he saw?
Sanada's face turned from yellow to red, then to green, and then purple – and finally black.
On the bright side, at least he wasn't frothing.
It finally occurred to Kirihara that he was in grave danger.
"Ehh… thank you everyone for your help," Kirihara would have scampered off if he didn't have to get their signature, "Can you help me to sign this?" Despite being utterly petrified, Kirihara pulled out a document and brought it around in a circle. Everyone cooperated and signed it without dispute – until it was Sanada's turn. By then, Kirihara was trembling so hard that he dared not look up.
Sanada didn't take the pen and paper from the poor boy immediately. The 'Emperor' stared down at Kirihara through steely black orbs, stoic face as dark as his hair and eyes.
Kirihara was honestly scared shitless.
"Akaya," Sanada spoke slowly, intimidating Kirihara even further with each syllabus of his name which rolled off his tongue, "You will meet me here at 5am tomorrow. Is that clear?"
But the meeting time for practice tomorrow was supposed to be 8! Instinctively, Kirihara wanted to protest – but god was he glad that he had something called rationality (albeit the faint amount of it) residing in a corner of his brain; and his rationality which was usually missing awoke at the right moment.
"Yes, Sanada-fukubuchou…" Kirihara's voice was muffled but not whiny – he didn't have the balls to whine to Sanada at the moment.
'Poor Akaya,' was the common thought across everyone's mind – but for a more elaborate reason on Yanagi's side.
Poor Akaya who was made the scapegoat for Yukimura's mischief.
Yanagi shuddered when he looked in the direction of Yukimura, because Yukimura still looked divine, holy and utterly innocent despite the antics in him.
Just who was more terrifying between Nio and Yukimura?
Actually, forget it. Yanagi didn't think that he'd want to know the answer to that question ever. The process would probably scar him for life.
And with that… Kirihara had his summer assignment materials, and the Rikkai Dai regulars could resume practice the next day without any more worries.
In a way, they supposed, it was a happily ever after, except for poor Kirihara who'd have to face Sanada's wrath alone. Would Kirihara still be with them tomorrow? The Rikkai Dai regulars glanced at Kirihara sympathetically. Only time could tell.
I might make this a two-shot and put up Akaya's essay if I get inspiration for it. What do you think? Do you want to see Akaya's essay? I'm quite terrible with humor so yeahs, if you read to the end here, thank you so much! Drop me a review if you liked it :)
P.S. regarding geishas, while it is not mandatory for them to sleep with their customers, at times some geishas do it for additional income. It's usually forbidden for a geisha to do this on her own accord though; she'd have to seek the permission of the owner of their okiyas. Also, at times when the geishas do sleep with their clients, they sometimes do it for the pleasure rather than the money. Milana16 has kindly pointed out that the first geishas were men (I honestly didn't know about that!) - well, let's pretend that the team doesn't know about it even though I'm pretty certain that Yanagi should be aware of that.