Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…
You know those moments in your life that you never want to forget? That you want etched in your memory forever? How you always want to remember the exact lighting, and scents, and every single emotion you felt? You just wish you could freeze frame time and place the moment in a box so you can pull it out and go over it again whenever you want?
Well, that's exactly how I feel every single morning I wake up to you. You are so incredibly beautiful. And not only in the vain way of looks. You have a sweet and caring heart. You understand just what I need, whether it be a sweet kiss to remind me of my worth, a soft tone to take away the pain or a harsh word to clear my mind. But when you're sleeping, my world is clear of all the hate and ugliness because you have become my world, and when you sleep, there is nothing but peace.
Before you, I was lost. I was drifting through life, consumed by helping others and forgetting about myself. But you showed up, my angel, and completely changed me. You taught me how to fly like I was always supposed to. You showed me what it was everyone else saw in me, but I couldn't with the darkness of my life shadowing it inside me. You are my light, my angel, my world, my love, my wife, my Alex.
I am always torn between waking you and telling you just how much I love you and how much you've changed me and just watching you sleep and holding onto the peace and quiet for just a little while longer. So this morning, I will let you decide. I place a soft kiss in your hair and whisper the words I often want to shout and slip out of bed to watch the sunrise.
I fix myself a cup of coffee and step out onto the balcony. I take a deep breath of the dirty New York air, and it's never tasted or smelt sweeter. I see the hint of the sun and hear the stillness that still sits over our house and find yet another moment that I want to hide away. You are in our bed, still sleeping, safe and warm. Our son is down the hall and for now is causing no trouble, nor is he in any danger.
I hear the door open and smile to myself because now the moment has become even that much more perfect as you step outside with me. You are so incredibly adorable in the mornings: hair disheveled, eyes still heavy, wearing one of my old ratty NYPD t-shirts that barely covers you. You yawn widely and wipe sleep from your eyes as you make your way to sit in my lap. You lay your head on my shoulder and steal my coffee mug, and I can't help but laugh softly. "Good morning Sweetheart," I whisper softly and place a kiss on your temple.
"Morning," you mumble grumpily and I can't help but have my smile widen. Who would have ever thought Alexandra Cabot to be such a non-morning person? You had always seemed like the type that could roll out of bed with every hair in place and the perfect suite on in no time flat. But I learned quickly that this is not so.
Our first fight was actually in the morning. I in no way remember what it was about, it was much too long ago, but I learned that until you've been awake for at least a half hour to not cross you.
I think back on the last ten years of my life as I watch the sun coming up over the buildings of the city and hold the love of my life. Our life is in no way perfect. We both deal with the scum of the earth on a daily basis, and sometimes it even seeps into our own lives. Some days it's hard to figure out our way in this life. It's not nearly as black and white as it may seem, I catch the perps and you bring justice upon them. But it never seems to stop there. There is always some underlying issue that crosses over into the grey areas and we don't always know how to handle those.
Those grey areas made their way into our relationship as well of course. Nobody is perfect therefore no couple is perfect, but we've tried our damndest. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry, but we always do it together. And in my mind, that is what really matters.
I always seem to think of the sunrise as a re-birth. It's a completely new day that we can make of it what we will. Each day can be taken as a do-over. Whatever mistakes I may have made yesterday are still there, but I can take this new day and learn from those mistakes and try to fix the damage and never imitate them again.
I hear Jackson call for me from his bedroom down the hall, and you groan and tell me he is most defiantly my son. I laugh as I stand up and gently place you back in my seat. "Why is it he is always my son anytime before 7:30 in the morning?" You make a face and stick your tongue out to complete the childish look, and I can't help but laugh harder.
As I make my way to his room, I think back to one day last week when you nearly gave over all rights of Jackson to me. You said there was no way in the world that he could be part of you as well since he was me made over.
He had ran to meet me as soon as I opened the door. He leapt into my arms and said you were mad at him. "Why is Mommy mad at you?" I asked.
"Well I was at day-care and a little boy was stealing everybody's toys, and I told the teacher, but she didn't do anything, so I told him to stop and gave the kids he had stolen toys from my toys and he said mean things to me and he stole their toys again, and I told him to leave them alone and told the teacher again but she still didn't do anything so I punched him and got sent home again, but it really wasn't my fault Mama! He was being mean to all the kids and I was just trying to help and nobody else would do anything, so I did the only thing I could think of," he said in the rushed, jumbled words of a four year old. "Mommy's mad because she says I was taught not to hurt people and tell adults if somebody's being mean. But I promise I told her Mama, I promise! When she didn't do anything I had to do something! I couldn't just let him be mean! And then I talked back to Mommy, even though I know I'm not 'sposed to, but she wouldn't listen to me. I tried to tell her 'bout the boy, but she just wouldn't listen. And then Mommy said that I had to wait to be dealt with till you got home, that you had to handle me now because I'm just like you anyways."
I swear, I laughed until I cried. I know that violence is not the answer, but sometimes it's just your last resort, and as a four year old, Jackson doesn't exactly have a bag full of tricks before falling back on that like you do. But then I thought of how as a thirty-three year old, I didn't even have all that many things to do before I resulted in violence either.
It seems a little silly now, but I couldn't help buy swell up with pride when I heard you told him he was just like me. Years ago, before you, that would have terrified me. I use to be so afraid of what I had inside me: an alcoholic, abusive mother and the other genes unknown other than him being a rapist. How could I possibly pass those on knowingly to another human being? Back then I couldn't even think of placing my own "sins" on another person because I was so afraid that they were lurking inside me just waiting to jump out and shred whoever meant most to me to bits. But of course, you saved me from myself.
"Hey Jacks!" I say as I step into his room. He's sitting straight up in bed waiting for me to come start our morning ritual. I crawl into bed with him and he snuggles into my chest and whispers good morning. He slowly begins to drift between the states of wakefulness and sleep as I run my fingers through his hair and softly sing to him.
I catch you out of the corner of my eye, leaning against the doorjamb with a smile on your face. I motion for you to join us and gently move Jackson over to make room for you in his bed and by my side as well.
I have everything I never dared dream of in my arms at once. And yet another moment I want to freeze in time has happened in a single morning
It's a beautiful morning, to see the sun rise
It's moments like this that make me wish I could freeze frame time
I got a hot cup of coffee, gonna watch the world come alive
Surrounded by nature likens the innocence of a new born child
Sometimes we laugh, and sometimes we cry
Some days it's hard to figure out our way in this life
But it's moments like these that make me wish
I could freeze frame time.
I got a picture in my pocket, of my baby boy
He's growing up so fast I swear he thinks he can conquer the world
Just yesterday evening, he come running up to me
He said he made his momma mad and that she said he was just like me
And I laughed until I cried, all swallowed up with pride
You should have seen the concern in that little boy's eyes
Yes it's moments like this that make me wish
I could freeze frame time
You are an angel, you taught me how to fly
You picked me up when I was down turned me around and you made me fly high
We're a little bit older now, together we've seen some change
But I love you more now than I did on that very first day
Sometimes we laugh, and sometimes we cry
Some days it's hard to figure out our way in this life
But's moments like this that make me wish
Yes it's moments like this that make me wish
Yes it's moments like this that make me wish
I could freeze frame time
A/N: For those of you reading Part of You, I haven't forgotten about it, I swear. I have family visiting and haven't gotten to sit down and write up the new addition. Shouldn't be too much longer; sorry for the delay.