How did this happen?
I swore to myself long ago that I would never let myself get this close to anyone ever again. And yet. The oath I made was born of anger. I was mad at the world and everyone in it. I was mad at life. I was mad at myself. And I swore that anyone who tried to get close would feel the wrath of that anger. And yet. I made this promise when I was in pain. Torn apart by my agony, I swore I would share my misery with all who knew me. And yet. I made this pact with myself when I was full of sorrow. My head hung in sorrow as I swore no one would ever get close enough to cause such sadness again. And yet. Hate spawned this promise. I hated everyone and everything. Nothing could push past that wall. Nothing could make me feel anything ever again. And yet. I made this vow when I was lost. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I swore I would never allow myself to be found. And yet.
And yet.
I can still see her there - lying in a pool of her own blood. I can still hear the scream - a scream I'm told was my own. I can still see the blood on my hands; still taste the tears running down my face. I can still see the faces of the people crowding around and gawking at us, never once lifting a finger to help. I remember begging them to help me; begging them to stop the bastard that killed my mother. I remember that no one tried. And I remember hating them all for letting him get away; for letting him take her from me. Afterwards, I remember hating myself for the same reasons. The day she was killed, a piece of me died as well, and the day they buried her, I imagined that my heart was in the casket alongside her. There it would remain forever more, for I would allow myself no such luxury as love. I'd given up the rights to that when I'd let her be taken from me.
And yet.
Barbara was the first to try - the first to make the effort at taking away the pain. She was the first to try to quell the anger; to wash away the sorrow. She was the first to make the attempt to get close to me. It was a mistake I did everything in my power to make her regret. But Barbara was stubborn and wouldn't give up without a fight. That was okay - I was looking for the fight - I relished in it. I could unleash the pain and the fury. She would know the rage I felt inside me now. But Barbara wouldn't back down. She kept coming back; kept weathering each assault. And still I kept my vow, my promise, my oath.
And yet.
From Barbara I learned things I never wanted to know. Under her tutelage, I became someone I never wanted to be. I hated helping them - saving them. Where were they when my heart was ripped from my chest? What did they do as her life seeped out onto the dirty pavement? I hated them. They didn't deserve my help and I told Barbara that each time I went on the prowl. The only good thing that I saw about crime fighting was that I got to kick some ass. I now had a reason to inflict physical pain as well as the emotional pain I'd already been wielding. Some day I'd find the murderer from that night long ago. Some day I'd exact the revenge I should have taken on that night. He and I would tango on the edge of an abyss and I would destroy myself along with him. For I didn't care about life - there was nothing left in it for me.
And yet.
I rushed to the sound of gunshots echoing in the night. I'd gotten there fast, but not fast enough. There was a body below, but before I could drop down to check it out, a car screeched to a halt beside it. I watched him as he all but leapt from the driver's seat, pulling a gun from a side holster, and knelt beside the body searching for any sign of life. I'd seen him before - he was a cop - that was about all I knew about him. All I cared to know.
And yet.
I'd seen him before alright. He always seemed to arrive just after I did. He'd show up just as I'd leave. I used to laugh about it. He was my clean- up crew, I joked. I'd watch him from the rooftops as he'd stumble on this crime scene and that to find the perp tied up in knots. He'd stand there scratching his head, wondering what had happened. He'd shove the perp in the back of his car always mumbling something to his partner about the strange things that happen around New Gotham at night. Clean-up crew - yeah, that's all he was to me.
And yet.
I watched him kneeling beside the body and suddenly realized that I should have left the scene already - should be looking for the shooter. I hear Oracle's voice in my ear, telling me what I was already thinking.
And yet.
He looked up toward the roof, eyes searching. My heart leapt in my chest as I hurriedly moved back out of sight. How could I be so careless - almost letting him see me like that? Why was I still sitting there, unmoving? I shook off the feeling of paralysis and went back to my sweep, searching for the shooter as I leapt from roof to roof in the cool New Gotham night. I told myself that my momentary lapse in judgment on the rooftop meant nothing.
And yet.
I found the Hermez shooter that night and delivered him to the New Gotham Police Department. He was there once again, scratching his head and peering off into the night, wondering about how the perp had gotten there. I found myself thinking, Enjoy the gift, Detective. Gift? I shook off the thought. He was one of "them" and I had nothing to give to "them".
And yet.
Once again, I found myself staring. I caught myself smiling at the perplexed look on his chiseled features, and immediately scolded myself. What was I doing? He was just another cop. No big deal. They come and go - especially in New Gotham. He was nothing special. No one I'd care to meet.
And yet.
I found myself face to face with him, in a dead man's apartment. He identified himself as Detective Reese as he trained his gun on me. The dead guy was hanging from the ceiling behind him, but all I kept wondering what this Detective Reese's first name was. I chastised myself - What the hell did I care about his name? I didn't want to know who he was. I didn't want to know anything about him.
And yet.
He handcuffed me to a second century Greek bronze statue. I remember thinking that was a classy maneuver on his part. As he began to question me, I actually found myself enjoying listening to his voice. Something about what he said or the way he said it made me want to tell him everything. I could hear Oracle warning me to stop, but for some inexplicable reason, I needed him to know I was on his side. My mind screamed in tune with Oracle's warning. What was I doing?! He should never be permitted to know me - who I am, what I do!
And yet.
I escaped him then with as much dignity I could muster. Left him gaping, staring at me as I leapt off the balcony and free-fell to the roof of the next building. I was happy to leave him dumbfounded. He would never see me again and I was happier for it.
And yet.
Damn Silas "Slick" Waters! I was never supposed to cross paths with Reese again! Now I had to find him and save his life from a man who could turn himself into liquid at will. I found him swimming at the local health club pool. I remember admiring his powerful stroke, the way he cut through the water with ease. I thought - Wake up! You're here to do a job, remember?
And yet.
He somehow knew I was there, looking straight up at me as he completed his lap. The words I had planned to say caught in my throat as I stared into his chocolate-colored eyes. When I finally regained control of my voice and told him why I was there, I remember the frustration I felt as he blew me off. He didn't believe me and I remember wondering why that should bother me so much. He meant nothing to me. He was just a life that needed saving.
And yet.
When Slick attacked, I wasn't exactly ready for him. All I knew was that I had to protect Reese even if it meant risking my own life. I rushed into battle with Slick, not really knowing how I was supposed to fight him. I only knew that I couldn't let him get at Reese. As I choked and sputtered on the liquid that Slick Waters had now become, I remember my mind shouting that I was a fool. How could I just rush in like that without thinking? What was it about this Reese that made me act so damn stupid?! Thankfully, at least one of us had a sane brain cell left - Oracle helped me fend off Slick. I vowed to get Reese to safety and leave it at that - nothing further.
And yet.
Slick foiled that plan, attacking again, chasing us into the sauna - a room he himself could not enter. And although it was what saved us, it would prove to be my downfall. The room was hot.too hot.and the steam wasn't all coming from the vents. Sitting there, talking to Reese and passing the time until Oracle could come up with a plan, I found both my eyes and my mind wandering. I remember a part of me screaming to stop focusing on him and to pay attention to the matter at hand.
And yet.
My eyes traced a line from his captivating eyes to his perpetual five-'o'- clock shadow. From his chiseled jaw-line to his incredible physique, I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. What was happening to me? Why was I acting this way? What was this that I was feeling? I couldn't let myself do this - feel anything for him. I wouldn't.
And yet.
After the Slick Waters case came to an end, I found myself constantly thinking of Detective Reese. I would look for him when I was out on sweeps. I would find new and inventive ways to drop in on him. It was a game for me - a game that I knew I was enjoying way too much.
And yet.
I swore that I wouldn't let him in - wouldn't let him know me. But, little by little, I was losing that battle with myself. He would look at me with those sincere eyes and my heart would melt. One touch, however slight, and my breath would catch in my throat. To this day, I don't know how he did it - got past the wall I had built around myself. He made me feel again - I hadn't thought it possible. Something in him made me want to share my life again - to get to know him and to let him know me as well. I know my life will never be the same now that I've let Jesse Reese become a part of it. But, I'm not complaining. He helped me find life again and a reason to live that made it all worth while. I'll never regret letting him into my heart - my life is richer for it.
I swore to myself long ago that I would never let myself get this close to anyone ever again. And yet. The oath I made was born of anger. I was mad at the world and everyone in it. I was mad at life. I was mad at myself. And I swore that anyone who tried to get close would feel the wrath of that anger. And yet. I made this promise when I was in pain. Torn apart by my agony, I swore I would share my misery with all who knew me. And yet. I made this pact with myself when I was full of sorrow. My head hung in sorrow as I swore no one would ever get close enough to cause such sadness again. And yet. Hate spawned this promise. I hated everyone and everything. Nothing could push past that wall. Nothing could make me feel anything ever again. And yet. I made this vow when I was lost. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I swore I would never allow myself to be found. And yet.
And yet.
I can still see her there - lying in a pool of her own blood. I can still hear the scream - a scream I'm told was my own. I can still see the blood on my hands; still taste the tears running down my face. I can still see the faces of the people crowding around and gawking at us, never once lifting a finger to help. I remember begging them to help me; begging them to stop the bastard that killed my mother. I remember that no one tried. And I remember hating them all for letting him get away; for letting him take her from me. Afterwards, I remember hating myself for the same reasons. The day she was killed, a piece of me died as well, and the day they buried her, I imagined that my heart was in the casket alongside her. There it would remain forever more, for I would allow myself no such luxury as love. I'd given up the rights to that when I'd let her be taken from me.
And yet.
Barbara was the first to try - the first to make the effort at taking away the pain. She was the first to try to quell the anger; to wash away the sorrow. She was the first to make the attempt to get close to me. It was a mistake I did everything in my power to make her regret. But Barbara was stubborn and wouldn't give up without a fight. That was okay - I was looking for the fight - I relished in it. I could unleash the pain and the fury. She would know the rage I felt inside me now. But Barbara wouldn't back down. She kept coming back; kept weathering each assault. And still I kept my vow, my promise, my oath.
And yet.
From Barbara I learned things I never wanted to know. Under her tutelage, I became someone I never wanted to be. I hated helping them - saving them. Where were they when my heart was ripped from my chest? What did they do as her life seeped out onto the dirty pavement? I hated them. They didn't deserve my help and I told Barbara that each time I went on the prowl. The only good thing that I saw about crime fighting was that I got to kick some ass. I now had a reason to inflict physical pain as well as the emotional pain I'd already been wielding. Some day I'd find the murderer from that night long ago. Some day I'd exact the revenge I should have taken on that night. He and I would tango on the edge of an abyss and I would destroy myself along with him. For I didn't care about life - there was nothing left in it for me.
And yet.
I rushed to the sound of gunshots echoing in the night. I'd gotten there fast, but not fast enough. There was a body below, but before I could drop down to check it out, a car screeched to a halt beside it. I watched him as he all but leapt from the driver's seat, pulling a gun from a side holster, and knelt beside the body searching for any sign of life. I'd seen him before - he was a cop - that was about all I knew about him. All I cared to know.
And yet.
I'd seen him before alright. He always seemed to arrive just after I did. He'd show up just as I'd leave. I used to laugh about it. He was my clean- up crew, I joked. I'd watch him from the rooftops as he'd stumble on this crime scene and that to find the perp tied up in knots. He'd stand there scratching his head, wondering what had happened. He'd shove the perp in the back of his car always mumbling something to his partner about the strange things that happen around New Gotham at night. Clean-up crew - yeah, that's all he was to me.
And yet.
I watched him kneeling beside the body and suddenly realized that I should have left the scene already - should be looking for the shooter. I hear Oracle's voice in my ear, telling me what I was already thinking.
And yet.
He looked up toward the roof, eyes searching. My heart leapt in my chest as I hurriedly moved back out of sight. How could I be so careless - almost letting him see me like that? Why was I still sitting there, unmoving? I shook off the feeling of paralysis and went back to my sweep, searching for the shooter as I leapt from roof to roof in the cool New Gotham night. I told myself that my momentary lapse in judgment on the rooftop meant nothing.
And yet.
I found the Hermez shooter that night and delivered him to the New Gotham Police Department. He was there once again, scratching his head and peering off into the night, wondering about how the perp had gotten there. I found myself thinking, Enjoy the gift, Detective. Gift? I shook off the thought. He was one of "them" and I had nothing to give to "them".
And yet.
Once again, I found myself staring. I caught myself smiling at the perplexed look on his chiseled features, and immediately scolded myself. What was I doing? He was just another cop. No big deal. They come and go - especially in New Gotham. He was nothing special. No one I'd care to meet.
And yet.
I found myself face to face with him, in a dead man's apartment. He identified himself as Detective Reese as he trained his gun on me. The dead guy was hanging from the ceiling behind him, but all I kept wondering what this Detective Reese's first name was. I chastised myself - What the hell did I care about his name? I didn't want to know who he was. I didn't want to know anything about him.
And yet.
He handcuffed me to a second century Greek bronze statue. I remember thinking that was a classy maneuver on his part. As he began to question me, I actually found myself enjoying listening to his voice. Something about what he said or the way he said it made me want to tell him everything. I could hear Oracle warning me to stop, but for some inexplicable reason, I needed him to know I was on his side. My mind screamed in tune with Oracle's warning. What was I doing?! He should never be permitted to know me - who I am, what I do!
And yet.
I escaped him then with as much dignity I could muster. Left him gaping, staring at me as I leapt off the balcony and free-fell to the roof of the next building. I was happy to leave him dumbfounded. He would never see me again and I was happier for it.
And yet.
Damn Silas "Slick" Waters! I was never supposed to cross paths with Reese again! Now I had to find him and save his life from a man who could turn himself into liquid at will. I found him swimming at the local health club pool. I remember admiring his powerful stroke, the way he cut through the water with ease. I thought - Wake up! You're here to do a job, remember?
And yet.
He somehow knew I was there, looking straight up at me as he completed his lap. The words I had planned to say caught in my throat as I stared into his chocolate-colored eyes. When I finally regained control of my voice and told him why I was there, I remember the frustration I felt as he blew me off. He didn't believe me and I remember wondering why that should bother me so much. He meant nothing to me. He was just a life that needed saving.
And yet.
When Slick attacked, I wasn't exactly ready for him. All I knew was that I had to protect Reese even if it meant risking my own life. I rushed into battle with Slick, not really knowing how I was supposed to fight him. I only knew that I couldn't let him get at Reese. As I choked and sputtered on the liquid that Slick Waters had now become, I remember my mind shouting that I was a fool. How could I just rush in like that without thinking? What was it about this Reese that made me act so damn stupid?! Thankfully, at least one of us had a sane brain cell left - Oracle helped me fend off Slick. I vowed to get Reese to safety and leave it at that - nothing further.
And yet.
Slick foiled that plan, attacking again, chasing us into the sauna - a room he himself could not enter. And although it was what saved us, it would prove to be my downfall. The room was hot.too hot.and the steam wasn't all coming from the vents. Sitting there, talking to Reese and passing the time until Oracle could come up with a plan, I found both my eyes and my mind wandering. I remember a part of me screaming to stop focusing on him and to pay attention to the matter at hand.
And yet.
My eyes traced a line from his captivating eyes to his perpetual five-'o'- clock shadow. From his chiseled jaw-line to his incredible physique, I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. What was happening to me? Why was I acting this way? What was this that I was feeling? I couldn't let myself do this - feel anything for him. I wouldn't.
And yet.
After the Slick Waters case came to an end, I found myself constantly thinking of Detective Reese. I would look for him when I was out on sweeps. I would find new and inventive ways to drop in on him. It was a game for me - a game that I knew I was enjoying way too much.
And yet.
I swore that I wouldn't let him in - wouldn't let him know me. But, little by little, I was losing that battle with myself. He would look at me with those sincere eyes and my heart would melt. One touch, however slight, and my breath would catch in my throat. To this day, I don't know how he did it - got past the wall I had built around myself. He made me feel again - I hadn't thought it possible. Something in him made me want to share my life again - to get to know him and to let him know me as well. I know my life will never be the same now that I've let Jesse Reese become a part of it. But, I'm not complaining. He helped me find life again and a reason to live that made it all worth while. I'll never regret letting him into my heart - my life is richer for it.