A/N I truly enjoyed Wanted, and what better way to express my love than by mocking it! If that doesn't make sense to you, clearly you've never been to one of my family reunions. Now remember, this is a parody, so if you're going to write me an angry review about how I'm obviously missing the true meaning of the movie, you should read some serious stories about Wanted instead. For the rest of you readers who actually have senses of humor, read on:
Title: "Wanted"... or, if you call it by its real title, "The Adventures of Wesley and the Magical Loom."
Once upon a time there was Wesley, young man who was endowed with a not-so-bright future. He had only three thousand dollars in the bank, which was odd considering he had a white-collar job, a cheap apartment and, as far as we know, no narcotic addictions to speak of. Apparently his anxiety medication was about a hundred dollars a bottle.
Anyway, Wesley was a very odd person. He attended a birthday celebration for his manager and didn't eat any cake. That's a sign of a future mass murderer if I ever saw one.
One day, Wesley was buying some anxiety medicine when a lady who looked surprisingly like Angelina Jolie on a diet of water and sawdust started talking to him. Wesley couldn't see her because from the side view she was as thin as a cardboard cut-out, so naturally that's what he assumed she was.
"Your father is dead," Fox said.
Wesley gaped. "Wow, thanks, cardboard lady! I hope someone brightens up your day, too!"
"He was murdered this morning on top of a building, after killing some people and jumping out of a glass window and practically flying!" Fox said.
Replied Wesley, "Wow. I sure wish I could do that."
Fox blinked. "All of those amazing stunts?"
"No, being dead. I think my life could only improve then if I'm so pathetic now that I'm talking to a piece of cardboard."
Then Fox and a mysterious assassin spewed bullets at each other. Wesley then tried to run away. That was perhaps the first decision in his life that made sense, but Wesley wasn't about to start a decent track record. He still had 90 minutes to fill with stupid ones. Ten seconds later, he made the stupid decision of running in front of a bus. Unfortunately for our hero, he was in fact allergic to being mauled by buses.
Wesley then woke up in a very dark, cold room just like his apartment, only quieter and more pleasant. Seeing as our hero had never been invited to a wild party, Wesley was quite new to the experience. He soon realized he was in the same room as a bunch of smiling scary-looking people, and figured he was dreaming about being cast in an Ocean's Eleven sequel. Being cast with Angelina Jolie doesn't make you Brad Pitt, Wesley.
Sloan walked in. "Hello, Wesley! I want you to shoot the wings off of a fly!"
Wesley was perplexed. "Wow, and I want you to give me a million dollars! You go first!"
"No, seriously, I'm going to shoot you if you don't do it." The formerly smiling assassins started pulling out guns..
Wesley started panicking. "Good thing everything slows down when I have a panic attack... oh man... good thing I know how to use a gun! And I have good aim! And I have good vision!"
Sloan was unsurprised. "Uh... yeah... well that was fun, bye now!"
Wesley yelled after him, "Wait, where's my money? Hey!"
Wesley then woke up in his apartment. He was depressed because he was hoping to never wake up. But that goal, like many others, was never reached because Wesley was still a loser with only a couple thousand dollars. Maybe he invested the rest of his money in PS3 stock.
Many days later, Wesley was getting the life beat out of him by some of his so-called friends and gradually getting stronger. He might have improved faster if he wasn't getting horrifically maimed up every six hours, but the assassins were having too much fun. Sloan was all but too eager to please them.
A/N: More chapters coming!