When Joker had first gotten the message that Commander Shepard was not only alive but up and saving people, he had made a smart comment to the others in the area, mentioning the end was close then. Everybody had laughed, mentioning that only Shepard would be able to jump up from being dead and then walk into another kind of hell. Joker had then excused himself, hobbling his way to his room. Cerberus had given him implants. Walking didn't hurt so much anymore, but it still wasn't easy.
He'd locked the door and sat on the edge of the cot and cried. He didn't bawl his eyes out with lung shattering sobs- and that wasn't just his pride saying that he didn't. But he did cry. A mixture of relief, excitement, and guilt. He laughed and cried as he sat in the dark room, hat discarded onto his pillows and face in his hands. Because, even though nobody had said it, even though Shepard had forgiven him- probably hadn't even blamed him- Joker knew it was his fault.
It hadn't been a conscious decision. He just… stayed. Yelling for help in the comm, yelling for the Normandy to stay together. Trying to do anything to keep it all together. Maybe it hadn't even been for the Normandy. It had been to keep everything together. The Normandy was his home, but with it came the rest of the crew. And without the Normandy, maybe Joker thought that he wouldn't have a place anymore. He was the only one that could pilot the Normandy. That made him special, needed. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was why he wanted to save the ship so badly.
But it didn't matter why. The thing was that he did stay in the helm when he knew he shouldn't have. And, looking back, Joker knew he did it because he knew he wasn't going to die. Shepard wasn't going to allow it. It was as simple as that. Joker knew he wasn't in any danger. Shepard was going to save him. And, because Joker was like everybody else, he thought Shepard wouldn't have died either. Shepard was some divine miracle made flesh.
Couldn't die.
Wouldn't leave anybody behind.
Best humanity had to offer.
Couldn't die.
It was easy to fall onto all that bullshit when you looked at Shepard. Easy to forget that he was human. Flesh and blood like the rest of them. Joker was as bad as the rest. When Shepard had appeared at his side, telling him to get out, Joker had felt even safer. The stupid ass that he was. Enough to still argue with the Commander. Precious seconds wasted because of his stupidity. After finally agreeing, the whole ship finally broke apart with that stupid golden beam shot from the ship ten times bigger than the Normandy. Joker shouldn't have felt as safe as he did.
Shepard had to almost carry him out. More precious seconds wasted because of his crippled ass. Into the escape pod he was practically tossed in. Shepard was scared, at least, as scared as Shepard could get. Everything went to hell then. Shepard lived in hell, it seemed. Died in it too, now. But the stupid Commander spent the last seconds to push the button to get Joker's pod to go. Seconds he could have used to maybe save himself. Save the air tubes. Find cover. Protect his back from the explosion. Something. Shepard could have done something to save himself there. Joker knew it.
After he'd been recovered, he'd seen the looks among the crew. Tali and turned off her communications, but the way her shoulders shook spoke volumes. Wrex was raging. Demanding he be found. Shepard couldn't die, he roared. The crew that found them was panicking. They didn't know how to handle him. Nobody knew how to handle a raging krogan. Except Shepard. Liara was alone off to the side, crying. Quietly. She didn't get loud. But she stared out into the void, her eyes surprisingly cold. Garrus looked so lost. Joker pitied him. The turian had always followed Shepard, watched his back, and learned.
It was Williams that had Joker worried. He expected something from her. Yelling, screaming, something. Joker couldn't say he'd ever liked her overly much. Definitely wasn't his type, but more than that, he just couldn't like her attitude. She was some sort of passive aggressive bitch. She'd rage, complain, and question Shepard, but then turn around and say she'd follow his orders until the end. And after Alenko had been killed, Joker had really decided she wasn't somebody he was going to get buddy buddy with ever.
Maybe she was the only one who didn't know, but Shepard hadn't liked his choices. The commander had been standing behind him as they had flown away from the cloning facility. The look on Shepards face was… guilty. Joker was the opposite of a people person, but even he could understand that guarded expression. Nobody got left behind. That was what the Commander had liked to say. First Jenkins, then Alenko. Joker had seen the way Shepard had looked after both of those.
And Williams had raged about being saved. Going out of her way, in front of everybody, to make Shepard hurt more. Was that the right thing to do? The right place? Joker hadn't thought so. Neither had the rest of the crew by the way they had been murmuring afterwards. Maybe Shepard's feelings for her had made the decision. Tipped the scale just enough that he chose her. Joker assumed it was because Alenko was alone with the nuke. Williams had been surrounded by the Salarians. Shepard was saving the most people. Was Joker correct in his assumption? Was Shepard right in his choice, no matter the reasons?
Didn't matter. Joker didn't have the right to judge him. Neither did Williams. Nobody did. Nobody else had ever been in that position. Nobody else had been standing there, precious seconds ticking away, and being forced to quickly make a decision. Nobody else could have. Shepard was good. Thought quickly. Analyzed every position- maybe not thoroughly- and reacted with what he thought was best. Morally, for the good of everybody- whatever. He did what he thought was best. And he made no apologies for it.
Joker had expected something similar from Williams when he hobbled in. Except with less words and more violence. Instead she was leaning against the wall, staring at her helmet. Angry, sad, whatever her expression was Joker didn't want to analyze it. He didn't really care. Didn't want to be proven wrong in his assessment of her. Wouldn't have been the first time he had been wrong judging somebody. But he didn't want to be wrong about her.
About how he was sure she hadn't really loved Shepard. She loved that he was her Commander. An amazing man who was saving everything. And he showed her, the she-man of the crew, his softer side. It gave her power. It made her feel special. That was what Joker assumed she loved. Not John Shepard. Joker hadn't liked that, but never felt he had a right to bring it up. He liked the Commander, in a brotherly sort of way. Shepard had given him respect, even before the illness. He'd even been okay with the fact that his bones were the equivalent to glass, at least after it was clear it wouldn't get in the way of the mission. Shepard had even made a point to talk to him. Joker knew he wasn't sociable. He hadn't expected Shepard to put up with his smartass remarks.
But then, Shepard had made friends with everybody.
You either loved the man, or hated him.
Wasn't much room for anything else. Except respect.
Everybody respected Commander John Shepard. (Excluding the one dumbass turian council member. But it was a mutual feeling)
Joker hadn't known what to do when the rest of the Alliance, the Council, had gone off smearing Shepard's name in mud. Taking away his wings. Forcing the crew to disband. Wasn't hard. Shepard had been their base. The glue that kept them together. Wasn't hard for them to simply move away from each other. Tali went back to the flotilla. Wrex to Tuchanka. Liara disappeared on Illium. Garrus moved to the Citadel for a little bit, and then he too disappeared. Ashley became a Commander. Didn't matter though. She even admitted she wasn't as good as Shepard. Wasn't entirely Commander material, she had said through the vidmail. She had sent it to Chakwas. Joker had stayed with Chakwas.
Then Cerberus had picked him and Chakwas up, sometime after that last vidmail. Talking about Shepard. That was all it took to really convince Joker. He'd be flying Shepard around the galaxy again. Flying Shepard back into another hell. And Joker had agreed, even smiling as he fixed his hat. He'd take Shepard wherever that man wanted to go. In whatever scrap of metal Cerberus wanted to give them. Because it was hard to follow any other man after looking at Shepard's back. But, more importantly…
No one got left behind.
And that included Shepard.
First Mass Effect Fanfic. I own nothing.
So, I always silently raged that it was essentially Joker's fault that Shep died, and it wasn't ever mentioned. Not that I cared, because it set up the entire game really. So, I mean, yay Joker (and I love him as a character) but I thought... it should have been mentioned. It probably is and I just haven't played it right for that conversation. But this is my look on things. How Joker might have seen it. It could easily be about Jane Shepard, and switch Ashley with Kaiden. They were essentially the same character (they even looked like twins really...). Though the thoughts on Kaiden would have been a little different, they'd have summed up to the same thing.
Review appreciated.