Hey guys! And welcome to my parody! :D First Sweeney Todd parody. It gets a bit randomer (if that's a word) as it goes on.
Why must you make me admit that I don't own Sweeney Todd? D: I think it's pretty obvious.
(Camera pans in on a grey ship floating on a very grey sea with even greyer fog surrounding it. You see a very feminine male on the boat. The man's name is Anthony)
Anthony: I have sailed the world beheld it's wonders from the Dardanelles to the Mountains of Peru! But there's no place like London!
Sweeney: No there's no place like London!
Anthony: Holy crap! Where did you come from?
Sweeney (completely ignoring him): You are young, life has been kind to you. You will learn.
Anthony: Learn what?
Sweeney: How the hell am I supposed to know? It's your lesson!
(Anthony looks at him more closely)
Anthony: Don't I know you from somewhere?
Sweeney: LE GASP! I'm definitely not a barber from 15 years ago who has been sent to Australia on a false charge and is now coming back to exact his revenge on the person who has sent him there. Pft, ridiculous.
Anthony: No, no. Aren't you that Sparrow guy? Um… Jake Sparrow?
Sweeney: It's Jack. And no.
(They dock and London and get off the boat. Sweeney glares at everything.)
Anthony: Everything alright, Mr. Todd?
Sweeney: Do I look like I'm alright?
Anthony: uh… no?
Sweeney: Well. I'm gonna tell you a story.
Anthony: A STORY? WHAT KIND OF STORY?
Sweeney: A story about a barber and his wife.
Anthony: SQUEE!
Sweeney: O_O
There was a barber and his wife
And she was smokin' hot
A gangster barber and his wife
He was her reason and her life
And she was super hot
And she had amazing curves
And he was…
Naïve
Anthony: Was she really pretty?
Sweeney: Yes. Now pay attention.
There was another man who saw
That she was smokin' hot
An evil pelican of the law
Who with a gesture of his claw
Removed the barber from his plate!
Then there was nothing but to wait!
And she would fall,
So soft
So sexy
So young
And oh so smokin' hot!
Anthony: So wait. The pelican removed the barber from his plate and then the barber waited for his wife to fall. What sense does this make?
Sweeney: I don't know why I even told you this story, but I got to go.
Anthony: Dude, we should keep in touch. Got a phone? iPhone? We could facetime each other! Facebook? Twitter? MSN? Oovoo? Skype? Meebo? Club Penguin? Myspace? Well, no one uses Myspace anymore so I guess you don't have one.
Sweeney: O_O (scoots away slowly down an alleyway)
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit,
And I don't know why I'm saying this,
Especially since I'm completely alone.
(The camera goes super fast through the streets of London and closes in on all of the prostitutes and bums lying in the streets. It stops in front of a grey and gloomy shop. Sweeney enters to find a woman with insane hair chopping up a… ew. What is that? A rat?)
Mrs. Lovett: LE GASP! IT'S JOHNNY DEPP!
Sweeney (panicking): What? No I'm not!
Mrs. Lovett: Don't you lie to me! I can see right through your very sexy white hair streak.
Sweeney (still panicked): Don't you have a song to sing or something?
Mrs. Lovett: Oh, right.
Wait!
What's your rush?
What's your hurry?
You gave me such a,
FRIGHT!
I thought you was a ghost
Half a minute
Can't you sit!
Sit you down
SIT!
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks
Did you come here for a pie sir?
(Sweeney shakes his head no violently)
Do forgive me if me heads a little vague
What is that?
But you'd think we have the plague
From the way the people
Keep avoiding
No you don't
Heaven knows I try sir!
(Tries what? Sweeney thinks. To not get sued too much from your food poisoned customers?)
But there's no one comes in even to inhale
(This surprises you because… Sweeney thinks.)
Right you are, sir would you like a drop of ale.
Mind you I can't hardly blame them
These are probably the worst pies in London!
Sweeney: Woah, woah, woah wait.
Mrs. Lovett: What?
Sweeney: This is how you advertise your pies?
Mrs. Lovett: What can I say? Hey, you wanna come into my parlor so I can tell you the tragic story about a really gangster barber that was super sexy.
Sweeney: Goody goody gumdrops!
(The both walk into the parlor and Mrs. Lovett starts to babble about the wallpaper.)
Sweeney (interrupting and no longer wanting to listen to her.): Hey, if you need money and stuff. There's a room over the shop.
Mrs. Lovett: Thank you Captain Obvious.
Sweeney: Well then why don't you rent it out?
Mrs. Lovett: People say it's haunted.
Sweeney: Not yet it isn't. MWAHAHAHAHA :D
Mrs. Lovett: O_O alright then. Anyway. Instead of singing the song that I wrote about what happened to the incredibly hot barber 15 years ago, I'll just tell you it. Long story short, Snape - I mean Judge Turpin sent the barber away to Australia so he could take his so-called "hot wife"
Sweeney: Hey, Lucy was amazing!
Mrs. Lovett: Whatever you say love. The Judge then made Wormtail - I mean Beadle Bamford, take Lucy to his house where the Judge raped her.
Sweeney: EWW GROSS! MY POOR LUCY!
Mrs. Lovett: So it is you! Benjamin Barker!
Sweeney: Where is Lucy and my daughter?
Mrs. Lovett (being shifty): Lucy poisoned herself with arsenic and I tried to stop her and I definatly didn't buy it for her personally. LOVE ME!
Sweeney Todd: O_O I only love Lucy and my daughter Johanna.
Mrs. Lovett: WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME? Oh, just a BT dubs. He has your daughter.
Sweeney: He? Who's he? Use your proper nouns woman!
Mrs. Lovett: Judge Turpin.
Sweeney: That son of a bitch!
Mrs. Lovett: Now, Mr. T.
Sweeney: Yes?
Mrs. Lovett: This movie is rated R for Visual Blood. Not cursing.
Sweeney: Well *censor* you, you *censor*ing *censor*.
Mrs. Lovett: Well, that wasn't very nice.
Sweeney: I don't really give a *censor*
Mrs. Lovett: If you stop, I'll show you something pointy and shiny.
Sweeney: LE GASP! What is it? :D
Mrs. Lovett: :) follow me.
(They both go upstairs using the outdoor staircase even though there seems to be a staircase inside of the house. Once they go in Sweeney's old apartment, Mrs. Lovett quickly locks the door behind him with a sly smile on her face. Sweeney's eyes fill with fear.)
Thanks for reading it!
So, what will Mrs. Lovett do to Sweeney? R&R PLEASE! It'll make me happy :3