Chapter 1
He bled away the memories with every cut, trying not to cry. It was his only release; Nobody could know what had happened to him a month before. He was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt dirty, and it seemed no one cared.
He had only been walking home from school when that guy jumped him and pulled him into the alley. He remembered the air being cold as the man swore at him, smacking him every time he sobbed. He remembered how bad it hurt, and the hurt left him nothing but an empty shell. Every bit of his child-like innocence was stolen in a flash, and nobody could help him or do anything about it.
He winced at the burn as he slid the razor blade along the pale skin of his wrist, beads of red breaking to the surface. A tear escaped his empty eyes. "Fuck," he muttered, watching as the blood dripped. He grabbed a cloth and began to wipe up the fluid before making more, a little less deep. His skin was already tainted with pale scars from cuts and a few burns, his thighs in just as bad of shape. It was a miracle his parents or Gerard didn't notice the amount of long-sleeved shirts and sweaters he wore.
"Mikes? Are you okay in there?" He heard his brother's voice call through the door. "Are you crying?" Panicked, Mikey slipped the blade under his pillow and fought to put his shirt on. It was too late, though. Gerard was standing in the open doorway, looking flustered, his dark brown hair hanging in his face. He took one look at Mikey's scars and tensed, walking over cautiously. "Mikey…"
"Don't," He snapped, making Gerard flinch back. "Don't lecture me. Don't call me stupid." He wiped at his blood-stained arms and choked back a sob.
"But…why, Mikes? Why are you doing this to yourself?" He sat down calmly beside his brother and grabbed his arms. He touched the scars gently. Mikey closed his eyes and let his head fall back, trying to fight back tears.
"Because, Gerard. You wouldn't understand. This is just how I…deal," he lied. In part it was true, but it wasn't the whole truth. He didn't need to know about the rape and all the pain and secrets. Those were his demons to carry, and his alone.
"You need to talk to someone. You'll end up killing yourself this way," Gerard stated calmly. He put down Mikey's arm and tried to pull him into a hug, but Mikey yanked himself away. His expression was bitter and cold.
"Don't touch me." Gerard looked at him, wide-eyed. His brother had never pushed him away like that. It only made him more curious.
"C'mon, Mikey. This isn't normal for you. Tell me what happened." As much as Mikey wanted to tell him, he couldn't. He just stared at his poster covered wall and blinked back tears, but they came anyways at full force. Letting out a wet, muffled sob, he put his head in his hands as Gerard pulled him close.
"Gee…don't tell anyone, okay?" Gerard nodded and stroked his hair back comfortingly. He had done this since Mikey was a little kid, from the times he scraped his knees or had nightmares. For the moment he felt like he had failed as a big brother for letting anyone hurt him. "Remember when I came home that one day all bruised and bleeding, and I said some bullies beat me up?"
"Yeah," was all Gerard could say. He knew he wouldn't like what was going to come next.
"Th-that's not true. I was walking home, and…and-" He couldn't finish before breaking down, soaking Gerard's shirt in tears. Tearing up himself, Gerard held on to him for dear life. He never wanted to let go. Mikey was one of the few people he truly cared for, and it really hurt to see him in pain.
"Shhh…" he soothed. "It'll be okay." He began to rub Mikey's back, trying to calm him.
"This huge guy jumped me…and…he-" Mikey paused and sniffled. "He raped me, Gerard! I can't take it anymore. He just took everything away and left me there, bleeding in that alley!" He began to weep again. Gerard just sat there in shock as they held each other. This was far from what he expected. He had to get his baby brother help, and fast.