Author's Note: While many see the Cats & Dogs films as bad, I have to admit that at the very least it took a concept and went completely crazy with it! The second one kinda toned it down a bit, but the first one was so insane that you kinda have to respect it. Also, it was a part of my childhood. I watched it a lot when I was younger. I kinda see it differently now, but I still admire it for taking a concept and running with it. Also, I've discovered that I really like The Russian. HE should've been the main villain instead of Tinkles, even if it made no sense for him to have all those weapons and bombs in his stomach. Seriously, I love the way his character was. So cool. Anyway, here we have a story that deals with a huge point of contention I had for both movies: if cats and dogs can talk, why don't they just work with the US Government! So, yeah, this story addresses that. It also tries to tap into Kitty Galore's untapped potential, as well as showcases characters that I really enjoyed from both films. So, let's get to it!
Cats & Dogs: The Revelations of the Institute
Chapter 1 (Revised Version)
Kitty Gets Institutionalized
Location: Upper Michigan, abandoned salt mining complex
The Sun beat down hot on the desolate looking area, with not a worker in sight. This was to be expected, as the salt mine had been abandoned for quite some time. However, if any human had been there at this time, they would have been in for quite a surprise. There was a light brown standard poodle of all things walking in the area. The dog hardly seemed lost, although he wore a plain looking collar and a simple metal tag that bore the name Shamus. In fact, the poodle seemed to be walking along with a predetermined purpose as he made his way towards one of the tool sheds that could be found on the premises.
The dog named Shamus pulled open the door, entered the shed, and closed the door behind him. Then, he walked over to a bare spot on the far wall and put his right forepaw on it. There was beep that only a dog's ears could pick up, and Shamus removed his paw, and then he spoke:
"The solution is. . . get institutionalized."
A trap chute opened right underneath Shamus' paws, and the poodle allowed himself to slide down a short ramp that led into a cylindrical elevator car. As the chute closed and resealed itself, and the door to the elevator car closed, Shamus remained sitting as he rode down at a swift pace deep into the ground.
Location: Below Upper Michigan, formerly abandoned salt mine, currently Animal Institute of Revelations, aka A.I.R.
Depth: 4000 meters (13,123.36 feet) below sea level
As Shamus rode down the glass elevator, he could get a clear 360 degree view of the entire complex. It was a multi-stories wonderland of polished chrome and stainless steel. It was a vaguely cylindrical underground structure, having been built outward to fill up and expand to preexisting cavernous salt mine.
Cats and dogs of a multitude of breeds were walking through corridors and across bridges on every level of the complex. Exiting and entering rooms, giving each other brief greetings before quickly going off to get back to their important work. As he passed through the middle levels of the underground complex, Shamus could spot cats and dogs on break; eating together in the cafeteria, swimming in the pool, or chasing Frisbees or lazer points courtesy of some automated machines.
"It never gets old, seeing it all like this," Shamus said to himself in satisfaction.
Eventually, Shamus reached the bottom floor, and he exited the elevator just in time to see a female bicolor tuxedo cat approach him with a measured gait.
"Cateri, you certainly know me well," Shamus said, a pleasant smile on his face in response to the black and white cat's arrival, "Whenever I leave, you're always here to meet me at the very second I return."
"It helps that you are always so punctual," Cateri replied with a pleasure that matched the poodle's, "One could set their watch to your activity. I trust the reason for your departure has been decided in your favor."
Shamus nodded and said, "It certainly has. The guard dogs have agreed to our terms. Our surface agents are welcome to harvest reasonable amounts of valuable scrap from their junkyards as long as they get the anise seed we've been growing over in Bioscience. This will greatly help our long-term cause, as well as our imminent goal. . ."
After this, Shamus' tail twitched nervously, and he leaned slightly forward towards the cat as he asked cautiously, "That is, I certainly hope that goal will be achieved imminently, that is to say. . . well. . ."
Cateri's yellow-green eyes stared deep into Shamus', which caused the dog to step back and shake his head strongly. "Oh, stop it Cateri! I mean it, do you always have to play coy with me like this!?" Shamus said in frustration.
"I am just waiting for you to finish your thought," Cateri said almost apologetically.
Shamus sighed, and he asked plainly, "Have our agents brought her in?"
"Yes," Cateri replied simply.
"Exemplarily!" Shamus said, clearly thrilled by the news, "So the new Era is certain to be in our time! Come now! We can't leave our newest member waiting!"
In a room filled with various crates and barrels, a single pet carrier lay by itself as Cateri and Shamus approached it. The poodle led the way, and he stepped confidently towards the front of it. Bending down slightly, he peered inside and said, "Hello there, Ms. Clawyu."
The cat was lying facing away from the door, and she tensed up when she heard the name. Then, she uncurled herself from her resting position, and then faced what she perceived to be her captor. The hairless animal, possessing the appearance of a sphynx cat, fixed hate filled eyes upon the poodle and hissed out venomously, "You dare use that name on me?"
Shamus' eyes were filled with pity as he replied, "It is your true name. But yes, I am aware that you now go by another name. . . Kitty Galore, I believe. However, you really shouldn't abandon your own name just because life has been hard on you. A name is very important, in my opinion, at least."
Kitty Galore thrusted her snarling face against the bars of the pet carrier and said, "Don't you dare pity me! You will never feel the way I feel; or see the way I see!" She then backed away from the bars and huffed and puffed for a moment. Then she said coldly, "You know what? That's it. I'm done speaking with you. Just ship me off to Alcatraz so I can break out and kill you all later, because I will, no matter what you do."
"We are not sending you to Alcatraz," Shamus said in a definite tone.
Kitty Galore scoffed and said, "Oh, fine then! I suppose you'll keep me here at D.O.G.S. for a bit so you mutts can admire their handiwork? I'm sure that guard dog got an award for making me fall into that vat of hair remover!"
Cateri finally stepped out from behind Shamus, making her presence known to the criminal, and she said, "This is not the Canine Intelligence Service headquarters."
Kitty Galore was surprised to see the tuxedo cat, but quickly got over her surprise and said in disgust, "Oh, so I'm at M.E.O.W.S.! Great! More insults about how hideous I am from my own kind!"
"You are not at the headquarters of Mousers Enforcing Our World's Safety," Cateri said with the utmost seriousness, "Neither of the organizations you have mentioned neither authorized nor are aware of your capture."
"Then where the heck am I!?" Kitty Galore demanded.
"A.I.R.," Shamus replied simply.
Kitty Galore blinked and gave him a thousand-yard stare. "What?"
"Animal Institute of Revelations," Cateri rattled off.
"What?" Kitty Galore repeated, this time sounding more annoyed than confused.
"Answer me this, Ms. Clawyu," Shamus said, "Why do we animals not talk to the humans?"
Kitty Galore hissed a bit, but answered nonetheless, "Because then the humans would know that brilliant minds like mine exist, and thus the humans would actively get in the way of any of our attempts to take over the world!"
Shamus immediately burst out laughing at this.
Kitty Galore's eyes widened in surprise at first, then she shoved her face against the bars again and demanded, "What's so funny!?"
Shamus pawed at his face as he fought to get his laughter under control. Then he finally said, "Oh, you poor cats. . . you rant and rave about taking over the world, but you fail to realize that the endless nuances involved in running a world-wide government, even a tyrannical dictatorship, would quickly drive you insane. No one mind could handle it, yet you always want all the power for yourself. Even if you did allow others to rule alongside you, it would inevitably end in backstabbing and double-dealing-."
Cateri interrupted him, saying, "Shamus, you are digressing. . . again."
Shamus' tail dropped, and his ears drooped slightly as he admitted, "Oh yes, you're right. I must train myself to stop doing that all the time. Anyway, back to my original point. You say that animals don't talk because it would cause human to watch out for cats like you, making it harder for you to carry out your criminally insane schemes. But! What you're not seeing is that this very fact would be a reason for the dogs and cats who oppose you to talk to humans. Think about it! Had they simply contacted the US Government, you would have been promptly apprehended by a heavily armed SWAT Team. And what about the average pets that aren't part of any secret organization? Why don't they ever cry out for food in human language? Or verbally tell their human families how much they love them? Has all this simply never even briefly crossed your mind? Pretty odd, considering your superior intelligence, which I admit you do genuinely possess."
With every sentence uttered by the light brown poodle, Kitty Galore's eyes grew wider and wider as she began to carefully consider the points he was making. Her mind chased its tail in a circle as it tried to work it all out.
"But, no. . . it's because. . . wait, they could have. . . they would have. . . but no! That's just. . . that can't be right! But it makes sense. . . but. . . how? HOW!?"
Shamus gave a curt nod and said, "Well, it's been a pleasure talking with you, but I believe our time is about up, and I don't ever break my schedules. Right now, it's time for Kitty Galore. . . to leave."
Suddenly, the pet carrier was being filled with a thick yellow gas, and Shamus and Cateri quickly took several steps away from it.
"What!? No!" Kitty Galore shouted right before she went into a coughing fit due to the gas. She fell flat on her stomach and wheezed out, "Not. . . like this. . ." Then, she slipped into unconsciousness.
As the ventilation system cleared out the gas, Shamus turned to Cateri and said with a thrilled gleam in his eye, "It's time for the brains in Bioscience to show off what they're truly made of!"
The unconscious, hairless cat was placed on a medical table. Several cats and dogs in white lab coats were gathered around her. They quickly went to work, first taking a blood sample from the cat, and then inserting plastic tubes into her nostrils, and fitting a third specially shaped tube around her mouth. A special paste was put over her eyelids to keep them shut.
A Labrador retriever took the blood sample to large metal tank with a smaller chamber connected to it. She put the blood sample into the smaller chamber, and the machinery processed the blood, extracting DNA and sequencing it, and then transferred the results into the large tank.
Kitty Galore was lowered into a large glass cylinder, which was then filled with a cloudy liquid serum that came from the large metal tank. She was completely submerged in the substance, the tubes in her face allowing her to breathe. The Labrador retriever studied the data displayed on a nearby screen, and then breathed a sigh of relief. Then she turned towards the other scientists and said, "This is a great moment for the Bioscience Team."
At this moment, Shamus entered the lab, and he gazed at the figure suspended within the chamber.
The Labrador tossed her head towards the poodle and said, "And here he is, always showing up at the pivotal moment!"
"That's what I do, Dr. Rona," Shamus replied without taking his eyes away from the chamber.
"Call me Jess," she replied.
"Right," Shamus said absentmindedly. Then, he turned to the scientists and said, "Now. . . we wait."
The cat found herself lying on her back on a comfortable surface. She managed to crack her eyes open, but the bright light of the room kept her from opening them up all the way.
"I see the calculations, and thus my schedule, were correct. You are awake," came the voice of Shamus.
The cat hissed as she rolled over and got up on her paws, her eyes still closed against the brightness. Eventually, she managed to get her eyes used to the light level after blinking them a few times. She then looked around to see that she was in pet sized room that was pleasing to the eyes, albeit more on the functional side, and she was standing up on a rather nice cat bed.
However, she quickly focused her attention on the poodle standing in the doorway, and she said in a dangerous tone, "What did you do to me?"
Shamus just smiled and said, "See for yourself. Although I'd figure you'd feel the difference first."
The cat looked confused by this answer at first, until she realized that she did feel slightly different. To be more precise, she felt rather warm. Warmer than she had ever felt in a while. She lifted her right forepaw and placed it on her chest, and her eyes went wide at the softness she felt. Slightly scared to look, she forced herself to move her down, and the sight of pure white fur caused her to cry out in shock and direct her vision straight ahead at Shamus.
Shamus pointed at the wall the cat bed was set up against and said, "There's a mirror right there, if you have any doubts."
The cat nervously turned to look towards the mirror Shamus had indicated. Her mind a complete blank, she forced her legs to move herself towards the mirror. She shut her eyes tightly as she approached, and then opened them with every ounce of her courage to see a healthy-looking white Persian cat staring back at her.
Her heart pounded as she brought her forepaw up to brush against her face. Her mind ran in circles as she took in her new yet old appearance, "Fur. . . fur. . . fur. . . I have fur. . . I actually have fur. . . I have my fur. . .I have my fur back!"
She let out a loud cry of raw emotion and threw her face against the mirror, sliding down off the glass as she meowed and shouted and made various joyful noises. This went on for a few moments, until it finally faded out in soft purring.
Shamus was very patient, doing his best to fight the urge to get the cat's attention. "Be patient. . . give her time. . . remember, we need her, so we best keep her as stable as possible."
Eventually, the Persian cat got up, and shakily turned towards Shamus. "H-how did you-?" she asked, her voice trailing off.
Cateri stepped into the doorway, making her presence known once again, and said, "At the Animal Institute of Revelations, much research is done concerning the welfare of animals. The restoration of lost fur is one such avenues of research that has seen some major breakthroughs."
Shamus nodded and said, "Indeed! You would've been amazed if you could've seen the reactions of everyone in Bioscience. They're all so proud of what they've accomplished! They've really given you quote the makeover, haven't they, Ms. Clawyu?"
Ivana Clawyu didn't so much as wince at the sound of her old name. Rather, she simply stared into space for a moment, and then asked tentatively, her eyes darting from Shamus and Cateri and back, "But. . .why me? Why help a known criminal mastermind?" She arched her back and peered at the cat and dog before her, and she said, "My body might be restored, but I assure you that my mind is a sharp, cold, and calculating as ever. Nothing could ever take that away from me!"
Shamus chuckled a bit, and he said, "Indeed, Ms. Clawyu. And your question is quite the pertinent one, isn't it? Well, our actions concerning you involve one of my brighter ideas. I have long figured that rather than request someone's services and offer to give them something they desire after they are done, it would be better to give them what they desire upfront and then count on them to show their gratitude for the gift they were given."
Ivana immediately understood what Shamus was getting at, and she nodded and said, "Oh, I see." She smiled knowingly as she stroked her chin with her right forepaw, "So, you want something from me, do you? Well, I should've known. But what really kills me is that you're right." She took a good look at the fur on her foreleg and said, "After what you've done for me, I don't think I could say no. Quid pro quo, after all."
"Hold on a moment, let me make it clear that you could say no, if you wanted," Shamus clarified, "In that case, we'd simply relocate you far away from here in a way that would keep you from finding your way back or disclosing the location of this facility to anyone. I'm sure a cat like you could find a nice family rather quickly."
Ivana appeared to think this over for a moment, then she fixed her eyes on Shamus and asked, "What exactly do you want from me?"
Shamus sat down and said, "First things first. You know how I talked about how cats and dogs just refuse to speak to humans? Well, according to our research, cats and dogs seem to have a subconscious mental block against speaking to humans. Now, certain animals with strong enough wills can bring themselves to overcome this mental block. Mr. Tinkles in one such animal. To a lesser extent, certain animals are able to circumvent this block by speaking indirectly, like through a microphone or some such device. However, we at A.I.R. believe that this mental block can be completely eradicated by simply revealing our ability to talk in a way that is powerful, blatant, conspicuous, unavoidable, and undeniable. Such a massive. . ." Shamus smirked before saying the next word, ". . .revelation to mankind of our greatest secret will force us to abandon our own inhibition, and we will finally be free to communicate with the species we've grown to care for. When all three species are one, once we exchange technologies and ideas for the common good, the hearts and minds of humanity will be opened to the idea of other soul-bearing creatures besides themselves, the worst of our races will be more easily brought to justice, and there will most certainly be world peace, utopia, in our planet's future. I already have the content of our message written down. All we need is a method of broadcasting it, on repeat, to the entire planet."
Ivana's eyes widened with realization, then she smiled widely and said, "I see. . . you want me to build another transmitter and satellite."
"Precisely," Shamus replied.
Ivana chuckled and rubbed her forepaws together. "Oh boy, this promises to be fun!" she said, but then she paused and asked, "Although, I have to wonder, why are you so determined to get cats and dogs talking with humans?"
Shamus let out a low growl of frustration, and he said, "Because those fools at D.O.G.S. and M.E.O.W.S. have only made things worse for all three of our species! Keeping our intelligence quiet! Failing to unite dogs and cats! Turning a blind eye to human conflicts! Disgraceful! I blame them for all of these power-hungry criminal cats!" Shamus then panted for a moment, and then leaned over to Ivana and said gently, "Those cat agents treated you horribly after your accident, didn't they? I am so sorry you had to go through that."
Ivana felt an ache deep within her, and she let out a shaky breath and nodded silently.
Shamus nodded back and continued, "Had they shown you more compassion, you would never had gone bad and tried to carry out your plan of global terrorism. What's more, if cats and dogs were allowed to speak freely, your family would have realized who you were and not thrown you out! Clearly you are proof that A.I.R.'s goal is one that must be achieved at all costs!"
A light sparkled in Ivana's eyes. She unsheathed her claws and waved a forepaw around deviously as she declared, "Oh, it will be achieved. It will be. Kitty Galore may have failed, but neither D.O.G.S. nor M.E.O.W.S. will be able to stand against the return of Agent Ivana Clawyu!"
Cateri stepped forward and said, "You will not be alone in your endeavors. You will be aided by two specially selected and highly qualified partners."
Shamus nodded, "Indeed. These two individuals have also been done wrong by D.O.G.S. and M.E.O.W.S., but A.I.R. will gladly give them a second chance, as they have given you. And if all goes well, you won't have to wait long to meet one of them. He is a cat by then name of Diemetri Kennelkoff. Although I do believe he often goes by the name of. . . The Russian."