Helllo! This is the xris fanfic. To people reading this who have no idea what it is/what is going on, you should go read the first 2 books in this series, "That Was Not Expected" and "Everything is Unexpected," otherwise you will be VERY much confused. Although the first fanfic in the series is short, I'm very proud of what I've written over the past 2 years. wow, 2 years?! lol. Thank you and go read that if you haven't. Welcome back to the other people, blah blah blah. I'm gonna let you enjoy the story.
I'm not whole without you
I'm full of holes without you.
Chris
While everybody else was celebrating my mother coming back with the twins, Chris was alone, celebrating the birthday that everybody forgot: his. His mother had never really been there, she'd always been focused on her job, not that that was a bad thing. She and his father were great parents.
Alec was the one that was always home while Clary went off on sudden missions and created runes all alone in the basement, not bothering to say hello. Lily and Clary had a special bond, while Chris seemed to drift away farther and farther from her.
Chris needed his mother, but she was off partying with the rest of Idris. He couldn't confide in her like he could've his father. Chris was the eldest son, he wasn't an adult who could fend for himself, no matter how hard he himself wanted to believe that he could do everything he needed by himself, he couldn't. He still needed guidance. He still needed his mother. He didn't need her to be in love with another man when she'd seemed to be so in love in love with his father.
Chris was angry at his father for just dying. He knew that nothing was going to change no matter how hard he wanted it, but sometimes he had to hold himself back from working with necromancy. He knew how wrong it was, but sometimes he needed his father; waking up in the middle calling out for his father was so painful when he remembered that his father wasn't going to come to him. As his insomnia and nightmares got worse, the angrier he got.
After getting back to the Lightwood Manor, Clary had explained everything to everyone. The demonic kids, Jace, Sebastian, and what did she get? She got everything she could have ever wanted. She didn't have to marry Jace because of Sebastian, who even though he was hated was in fact considered a full-fledged shadowhunter.
Clary seemed focused on being a mother now-at least to her younger children, that is. What kind of a mother forgets her son's birthday? What kind of a mother gets another boyfriend in less than a year after her husband died? Did she even stop to think about her kids? No.
Lily didn't care. She didn't understand what kind of affect it would have on their whole family. She loved and cared about everyone and just wanted to forget about what had happened in the past six months.
Chris wanted to forget as well, but he just couldn't let his father go. Alec was his father, and he didn't need Sebastian to try to fill in the gap that Alec has left. Chris wanted to keep that space there. He didn't want to let go.
It didn't matter that he couldn't sleep. Gabriel and Gideon, the demon spawn were always crying, always wanting something. Clary didn't seem to have time for anything except her new family with Sebastian. Chris felt like he didn't have a place to fit in anymore, as if he'd been cut off with his father. Was he not good enough to be part of Clary's perfect family anymore?
"Y-you look just like…just like your father…" Sebastian had said first. Are you sure you don't want to celebrate with the rest of us?" Sebastian had asked Chris.
Chris had automatically hated Sebastian. He knew that Sebastian was trying hard not to intrude, but he was. He was trying to fill a cup inside of Chris that would never be full again. Sebastian wasn't a bad guy, it was just…too early. It made Chris wish he wasn't named after him.
Chris was the only person who referred to Jonathan Morgenstern as "Sebastian," because he now referred to himself as Jon Chris Morgenstern, which tucked Chris off.
"No thanks." Seeing the concern on Clary's face, Chris smiled and said, "I'll be fine." I'll be fine. Chris had said those three words multiple time over the past few weeks. Leave me alone. That's what he really wanted to say, but he didn't have the strength to do it.
Then they had left, not even wondering why Chris had refused to go. As if after the moment they'd talked to him was gone, he didn't exist anymore. He was invisible.
Peeling off his gloves, Chris stared at his hand. The webs hadn't moved any farther, but they were still there, as dark and as clear as ever..black lines that looked like they were burned onto him by a stele were all over his hand in a spider-web like pattern. The night before Clary had come back, he and Xavier had sworn not to see each other unless it was absolutely necessary.
Not seeing Xavier made Chris' desire for him come back even stronger than before, which didn't help his case. The moment they stopped seeing each other in private, everything about Xavier seemed even more…there was no word to describe it. It felt like when Xav laughed, it was directed straight at him…like it was a torture built for him. Xav's features seemed to become even more…just attractive. Not talking to him was torture. Xav was his best friend and the person that he loved, and not seeing him was worse than the curse itself.
But no matter how much he wished to think otherwise, Chris assumed that Xav had also gone to the party, just like everybody else in Alicante. No, the entirety of the Nephilim had probably traveled all the way to Alicante to celebrate the return of the hero Clarissa Morgenstern. Morgenstern. His mother didn't even call herself Clary Lightwood anymore.
Dad would've stayed. Chris thought bitterly. He would've remembered my birthday, at least. Even Xavier might've forgotten.
Xavier
Xavier had made the mistake of going to the hugest party in Idris. The party wasn't the problem, Chris' absence was. He'd been hoping that he'd be able to talk to Chris. "Where's Chris?" Was the first thing he'd asked Clary when he saw her dancing with Jonathan during the party.
"He's back at home." She said in a happy tone as she threw her arms around Jonathan's neck. Xavier wasn't a person to speak his mind, but he was kind of uncomfortable. Clary had always seemed to be so in love with Alec that it was hard to see her with anybody else. He understood it, though. Chris had completely broken things off with Meg just for him…he shook his head. Don't think about him.
"Wait, what?" Xav knew that it was Chris' birthday, and had assumed that Clary knew as well, but now it was evident that she hadn't remembered. Was it because she didn't remember, or did she honestly just not know when his birthday was? Still, Xav didn't say anything.
The past few weeks had been an absolute nightmare. Xav and Chris had promised each other that they would try to avoid contact as much as possible, except for when they had to put up the act of being parabatai. How did nobody notice that they were both in pain whenever they saw each other? How did they not notice their burning runes?
Unlike Chris' hand, Xavier was in a much worse condition. He couldn't stop thinking about him. It was like a part of his brain had just been messed with so that all he could think about was Chris, all night and all day. No matter how much he wanted to see him, Xav knew that he had to stay away. He knew that there were consequences to loving your parabatai, that's why it was against the law.
Sed lex dura lex, Xav repeated in his head, The law is hard, but it is the law. More like, the law is stupid, and it should be ignored. Still, he couldn't ignore it. If he did, they could both face serious consequences.
Xavier noticed that Brother Zachariah was across the room, and now was the time for Xav to ask him about the curse of the parabatai.
"Brother Zachariah, may I ask you a question?"
"Yes, you may?"
"Can you tell me about parabatai? I mean, what happens if they fall in love with each other…" Xav's voice got softer and softer as he continued. "What would happen to them in the end?"
"The more the pair surrenders to their emotions and love for one another, the stronger the curse gets and affects them," Brother Zachariah told Xav, looking into his eyes. "Their runes will be stronger than any other, and their runes will begin to burn with heavenly fire and black lines will spread across their skin."
"What happens after that?" Xav had asked uneasily. "What happens?" His blackened hands were hidden behind his back.
"Why are you so curious about this?" Brother Zachariah asked. "I mean, one-sided love has no consequences to parabatai, but if they both truly love each other, then the curse will begin."
"I…" This was his chance to tell him! The only thing that held him back was the thought that this might also hurt Chris. "I just think that it's just an interesting t-topic and my training instructor, Emma Carstairs(Even though this is a different timeline, Emma and Julian exist! They're just 11 years older then they are in TDA, since this takes place 16 years after TMI, and TDA takes place 5 years after. Emma and Julian are engaged and they were never parabatai...Emma is a trainer and Julian runs an institute in Alicante and the LA Institute. Sorry, I just thought you might wanted to know this.) asked me to study the topic since it's something that's barely touched upon in my studies and I was curious."
"Alright." Brother Zachariah continued, "They will finally turn into enormous beings-the true Nephilim. The parabatai won't have control or conscious acts while in that form. According to the archives in the Silent City, the power would eventually drive them insane and surround themselves with death and destruction until they die themselves, burned by their heavenly fire."
"I-I there any sort of possibility that they'll survive? Is there any record of it?"
"I...think that's too many questions for one night, don't you think, Xavier? Why don't you enjoy the party with your parabatai? Unless…the curse?"
That's the last thing I want to do now. "N-no, he's just not here." This must've been what Chris meant about the curse. This was why Chris was so reluctant to kiss him or anything. Xav knew that Chris knew the exact consequences of the curse, but he'd never actually stopped to ask Chris what would actually end up happening to them. Xav felt lightheaded.
"Then why don't you talk to your father or the other children here?" I'm not a child, Xav thought.
"I…think i'm gonna leave early, my stomach hurts." Xav said quickly, but not before glaring at Clary, who was holding her two babies and smiling. Jonathan was smiling at Clary as if she was the only person in this world and many others.
As much as Xav wished for that sort of happiness, he couldn't have have it. He wouldn't be happy like how Clary and Jonathan were…ever; not as long as the parabatai bonds remained intact in the silent city. He could break those bonds, but in that process he'd be shattering the rest of the parabatai bonds. He couldn't do that. He saw what losing a parabatai was like every time he went home and saw his father. Whether or not Jace noticed it, Jace usted to subconsciously touch the parabatai rune whenever he was feeling in a bad way. Now, whenever he was about to do that, Jace would hold his hand there for a second and then stare at the floor, feeling empty. Xav couldn't do that to anybody, no matter what he desired.
Xavier would never have enough courage to destroy the bond of the parabatai, because no matter how much he needed Chris, he couldn't hurt somebody like that, he wouldn't take away a bond that couldn't be replaced.
If he couldn't love Chris, then he could at least be his parabatai…for now, or as long as Xavier could handle it…and he wasn't sure if he could really take it any longer. Xavier prayed to the angel that he would be able to control himself as he headed to the institute.
Chris
While everybody was at the party, Chris was busy shooting arrows out of his father's bow at several different targets in the training room of the institute.
Pull back, aim, shoot. He repeated in his head, completely zoned out as he continued to shoot.
As they hit the center of the target over and over again, Chris got more and more angry at himself, even though he was hitting the target. He didn't know how to cope or comprehend with his ever-growing list of emotions. He hadn't even noticed when his fingers had started to bleed, and the bow was covered in blood.
"Chris? Chris, what are you doing?" Xav. Chris would recognize that voice anywhere.
Don't look. Don't get distracted. Don't let your emotions take control of you, Chris thought as he drew the strings back again, his hands stinging. He attempted to shoot, but Xavier was standing right in front of the target. "What are you doing? Move out of my way, Xav!"
Xavier walked closer to Chris and snatched the arrow from his grasp, threw the bow onto the floor, and took Chris' hands into his. "What the hell, Chris!? What the fuck made you do this? You're bleeding! It's dripping onto the floor!" Xavier pulled out his stele and attempted to draw an iratze.
"Don't!" Chris cried. Their runes could be so powerful that it could actually hurt them instead of heal them. "I'll be fine." Although concern was obvious in Xavier's voice, Chris pulled his hands away and looked down at the floor. "What do you care?"
"Christopher Lightwood," Xav said, taking his gloves off, "Obviously, I do care. Otherwise this-" He motioned towards his hands and the web-like patterns. "This wouldn't be happening!"
Chris wanted to be angry, but it was impossible to be mad at Xavier for long, no matter how hard he tried. "I know, I know...it's just hard not to want-" He cut off his voice and instead focused on pulling arrows out of the many targets. Doing that just made him bleed more, but Chris could care less.
"Want what?"
Chris sighed. "You know I'm not going to answer that question, Xav. I can't."
"I know." Xav said sadly, blowing a strand of his grayish blonde(ehehehehe Remember? HAIR DYEEEEE) hair. "I just…I don't want to feel like this anymore."
"Me neither, but there's nothing we can do, Xav."
"We could just give up. Why not? Why not just let the curse take over us or something? I'd rather die than-
"Don't say that, Xav. We'll find a solution, I swear."
"I don't-I can't…" Xav stuttered, "Just let me do one thing." He breathed.
"What?" Chris sounded tired, so tired.
"Kiss me."
Chris could resist, but he didn't even want to anymore, at least for a moment. He didn't want to hold back his emotions. So Chris gave up everything that was holding him back in that moment. One kiss wouldn't hurt, would it? One kiss, he promised himself, Nothing more. He wanted to let everything go in that moment, to just let himself feel something and actually be happy.
Letting his emotions run wild and free, Chris cupped his hands around Xav's face and kissed him as if it was the last time he would. He let himself feel everything in that moment, he let himself not care about the curse. Pulling Xav closer to him, he didn't care about the heavenly fire that was burning in his veins. All he felt were Xav's lips on his, and he was smiling; finally happy.
That feeling didn't last for long.
Chris' smile went off of his face as he realized that the black webbed lines had spread farther up his arm until it reached almost his shoulder. They broke apart and before he knew it, Xavier had walked away… The feeling of hopeless was back once more.
Only now was he truly alone.
Xavier
No. Nonononono. I kissed him, why am I so stupid? His whole body felt as if it were on fire, but Xav didn't care, he just had to get out of there. No, he wanted every sort of feelings that he had about anything to just fade away for one second. He didn't want to feel this way anymore. He didn't want to feel the pain of loving somebody but not being able to love them the way he wanted to. He shouldn't have been so stupid, so careless. He hadn't been thinking, and he'd let his emotions take control of him. That wouldn't happen anymore, because he wouldn't let himself feel anything.
His first thought was to go to the silent city and destroy the first parabatai rune, but it would destroy all the parabatai bonds, hurting millions and Chris as well. He would never forgive himself if he did something like that, no matter what sort of benefit he got from it. But what about Chris? His selfish side pleaded with his rule-abiding side. Isn't it worth it? Wouldn't you risk everything you have for him? Even if he did break those bonds, they would be de-runed, they would be outcasts, and most importantly: they would not be together.
No, don't think about that. It took everything in him not to run into the silent city, grab the mortal sword and just smash it down onto the parabatai rune. Like Brother Zachariah said, 'The more the pair surrenders to their emotions and love for one another, the stronger the curse gets and affects them.'
That meant that if he didn't surrender his emotions, if he didn't feel any emotions or love, then the curse wouldn't get any stronger or more effective. What would be the easiest way to get rid of his emotions? A warlock. A demon. A faerie. Brother Zachariah. Exile.
He didn't care whatever it was that he had to do, he just wanted the pain to go away.
I don't know about you, but I'm sooooo hyped for this fanfic! Anyway, if anybody's a marvel fan, have you seen the Far From Home teaser yet? I love marvellllll! Also, the kit/th and Mark/Kieran fanfics are being written rn and I'll be uploading sneak peeks eventually. I know this is kind of long, but I hope you don't mind and I'll be back very soon with another chapter! ;) I hope you like the first chapter and this made you feel happy or brightened your day a little bit :) Thanks to Ruth m, Horses8 and Lullaby baby rock a by bye for being such great people! :)
Love,
~Sara