Author: imphotasy
Translation: imphotasy
Title: Keep on playing, everything is ok, isn't it?
For: OeMKa
Pairing: AoixUruha
Genre: uhhh... yaoi, that's obvious :I
Chapters: one-shot
Warnings: None
Summary: … Gazetto-live from the worse side?
A/N: Translated from polish into english, because I was bored. Sorry for mistakes, if you found any that I didn't.
Sometimes, there are situations, when a kiss does not mean love. When there are no feelings in tender words. But sometimes, there comes a time, when everything becomes a habit. When well learned behaviors become something obvious, ordinary. When a board between true and half-true fades. When a man founds out, that without this second person, there would be just cold, pinching emptiness. There would be no hot coffe in the morning. Not even warmed spot in bed, right next to him. None of any subtile touch, covetous and lustful.
Uruha was his warmth in the daily cold of monotony and work. Maybe many people dreamt about such a job, but he was tired of it already. Live was based here on a music, which should play in heart during whole day and night, incessantly, nonstop. Of course it did play. But it was not the style of the GazettE. There was too much feelings in it. Too much feelings, that nobody wanted to listen to. None of the band ond none of the company they have worked in. Each of their five suffocated their feelings, tried to kill them, ignore them. Each one in different way.
Reita searched for his solace in ordinary things like long bath, sleep or good movie, which tuned him on, properly.
Kai drummed, blindly. And when he realised he did something worthy, he wrote it down. His satisfaction covered everything it had to hide.
Ruki had the least of problems. He actually just wrote new songs. Most surprising thing was, that the melancholic mood, instead of swallowing him more and more, faded away, extinguished by excitement and gladness.
Uruha drowned his worries in sake, with exchange in having physical pleasures. They were drinking all together, actually. But it was the time, when something cracked in someone of them. When he said things, he did not want to say. This affected the relations in band. And the worst thing was, that it affected negatively.
Once, they were just five of good friends, and making music was the best fun for them. And then, they started to recede from each other. Mainly because of such a conffesions, which still floated over a stream of thoughts, stubbornly.
They started to work alone more often, everyone in his own space. Maybe because of that, their music become so varied. But... Maybe it is better...
And he, Aoi from the GazettE, pretended to have everything under control, sitting in his own cyclone of work and music. But, everybody needs his refuge, quiet port, where he could stop in his run. Stop for a while and take a breath. Few people knew, that he needs such a place too. He already had it. Uruha was it.
Sometimes, it just becomes worse. With everything.
Did he expect a consolation? Did they both expect a consolation?
During this sleepless night, when dominated an utter feeling of own hopelessness, none of any morality, where in exchange of love was just sharpened lust, did they just consoled each other?
It was not that only sex connected him with Uruha. Equally enjoyable, but absolutely different that this with women. But there was no deep, romatic love between them. Thing, that connected them, was like choosing a lesser of two evils. Like covering the worries, like adding lots of ketchup to horrible food in hope to make it taste better. Their relationship was not a "last resort", though. It was a habit, and - without any doubt - an attachment.
Uruha was a person, who could make everybody happy in every while. He even had not to do his best to give other this positive impulse. Actually, Aoi could not say, did only he feel like that in company of his lover, or did Uruha has such an influence for everyone. But their relations were different. Uruha electrified him, every sight of his looked more passionate and perverse than for other people. At least he hoped so.
It was never a total self-giving between them, though. There always was certain distance of their own rules that did not allow them create a strange, foreign atmosphere of warmth. Maybe because Uruha had never succumbed completely? Maybe because Aoi never had paid attention to younger guitarist's comments about Aoi's domination? Maybe because he had never let Uruha end his sentence, but he pressed himself against his skinny, tiny body and he had greedly proved, that this will not ever change? And Kouyou was too impulsive for any physical contact and instead of stand in his own mind, he gave up under such a brutal pleasure. Maybe because Aoi was malicious person and he loved to irritate Uruha? Small, daily things were enough to let Aoi observe younger man's impatient sight, which had just well covered amusement instead of any anger.
Sometimes Aoi thought, that he had no idea, why does Takashima even just tolerate him. In fact, he did not show any tenderness to the younger man. He treated him just like a friend, he can sleep with anytime he wants. It was not fair, and they knew it, both, but noone cared. No matter how much Uruha tried, Aoi always stayed too distanced and too insensitive. But he could not be different. Uruha was not a little child. Noone forced him to love Aoi. But he did.
He can handle himself, after all, can't he?
Yet, Shiroyama found out too late, that his lover can not handle the impassivity of person he loves. And he found out it in a way, thet he did not expect the most. And instead of and instead of reacting immediately, he acted like a coward, pretending the problem does not exist. But it did. And it was huge. And cruelly destructive.
Why did he acted like a coward? Because only begining this topic made a shame on his morality, his pride. Just thinking about this made him feel his lover's touch on him - such foreign, brutal, as it never was. He was ashamed that he liked it, when Uruha came to him in the middle of the night and rushed at him with such a passion, that drove older man to insanity. It hurted since now, how proud he was of him, when - thinking that he already learnt something - he pressed him to the bed, kissing him roughly.
An awkward shudder travelled down his whole body, when he was bringing back to his mind, that Uruha did not stop just because Aoi fought for dominance after this heating on the senses, blunt suggestion.
This night he let Uruha for that, what he apparently never deserved enough. How naive and reckless.
Why he did not react for such a different Uruha's behavior? He knew, that even drunk, he acts rather tamely. But then, he was aggresive. Why he did not think, that everything is incorrect? Why did he look more careful into Uruha's glossy eyes, into his expanded pupils in the middle of chocolate-brown, later? Much later. Too late.
Too late he found out, that Uruha, his Uruha, his love and warmth, his quiet harbor, his comforter, that he was on drugs. Too late Takashima gave him marked with tears confession, that drugs follow him for a long time.
But definitely too soon and both too late Uruha walked away from him. Left him. Became neutral. He did not want to involve Aoi into that, apparently. He wanted to handle with this, become free without Aoi's help, apparently. He was not worth the love of older guitarist, apparently.
He did not listen to him, when Aoi wanted to talk with him, help him. He just moved from his house to his own. To spent another filthy hours, days by his own. To don't care about friends, who tried to cantact him in every possible way. To forget that he had hurt person he loved. To find a horrid oblivion in garbage, that ruined him.
And then come back to rehearsals, after a moth o living-or-not-living, soulless, emotionless, spent and washed from ambitions he always had, as a ghost of himself.
And then, they all pretended, that everything is in order. That none of them have problems. That Reita does not drink, that Kai does not try to cure neurotic disorder, that Ruki does not revel in whorehouses, that Uruha does nor make drugs, that Aoi is not stuck in the swamp of depression.
They were still the GazettE - colourful silly-ones making music streaming from their hearts.