Again I Go Unnoticed
PART I
I don't know what to feel this time. Karma has been this rock in my life. She's given me purpose, amusement, she's been the best friend I've ever had. But when she called me last night to tell me she hooked up with Liam Booker in his little thunder box after everything we had just gone through, I just wanted to scream. I really did.
I hung up.
She called me back.
I couldn't answer.
It's morning now and I have to go to school. But I can't go to school, I really can't.
"Amy? Come on sweetie, you'll be late."
"Uhhhhhhhhh…"
"What's a matter sweetheart?"
"It's complicated," I groaned.
"I wouldn't worry about her, she's always having some sort of lesbian melodrama at school." Leave it to Lauren to bitch it up at 7am.
"Lauren, be nice." My mom called.
"Lauren, GET OUT!" I yelled.
"And here I thought your explosion at my shower had ended this madness."
"Sorry." I am sorry. Mom had been shitty these past few months but so had I. We never even talked about it, which made it all enormously worse. She had been tip-toeing around me, ignoring me, taking Lauren out and not even asking me if I'd want to come. It was all a mess. Everything was.
"That's not true, is it sweetie? Is everything alright with Karma?" She was looking at me now like I was this creature to pity.
"It.. It's really not okay, no."
"Well…" "You can always talk to me, if you want." She seemed unsure of this even though she was saying the words in front of me and pretending she was meaning them.
"I don't even know how." I confessed, laying back down on the bed and burying myself in the pillows again.
There was a knock at the door.
"AMY! YOUR FAKE GIRLFRIEND IS HERE!" Lauren's voice could be so obnoxious.
"Hello Karma."
"Morning."
Ignoring would be best.
"Maybe you'll have better luck with her." Or maybe everyone should just leave? Just a suggestion.
I heard the door shut after my mom but I wasn't about to acknowledge Karma, not after what she told me.
"Amy?" I could feel her weight on the bed, she sat next to me and grabbed at the pillow I had over my head. When I didn't' budge I could feel her lay down. "Please talk to me."
"There's nothing to say."
"Yesterday I thought we were good but then after I told you about Liam and you hung up and didn't answer when I called back, I knew you had to be upset. Amy, come on, what's a girl to do? I tried to make everything right. I knew it was wrong to make you pretend to be in love with me."
"That's not-"
"Huh?"
"Nothing..."
"Look, I'm not leaving until you talk to me."
"I can't talk to you," I groaned, rolling away from her so she couldn't try to see me.
"If you can't talk to me we have a big problem because all I want to do is talk to you." And she was being sweet to me, after everything. She was always so damn sweet when it was just the two of us.
Realization hit. All the quiet in the house. I realized this would be the perfect time to tell her everything. My mom headed off to work. Lauren probably left. No one would care if we skipped school or came in late. No one would interrupt us or pull us apart.
It was the perfect moment. So why wasn't I talking?
Suddenly I felt her body up against mine. She was holding me now, her arm reaching around my body so that she could hug me and hold me to her.
"I hate that I've hurt you." She confessed. "I've made such a mess of everything."
She was holding me but I hated it now. Now that she had really chosen. She had slept with Liam last night after patching things up. She had gone behind my back and slept with Liam Booker. If she was in love with me she could never have done that.
"Look, I can't talk to you, okay?" I pulled her arm off of me and got off of the bed. Every part of my body seemed to ache. "I'm not okay with this Karma. I'm not okay with any of this."
"W-what can I do?" She asked, her face desperate. She scooted to the edge of the bed and stared at me. "There has to be some way to fix this."
"Do you even know why I'm upset?"
"Not really but I know it was my fault."
"Uh.. Karma, I was going to have a threesome for you. I was going to sleep with Liam Booker just to have a chance to sleep with you."
The words tumbled out of me. I was so angry. The second I saw that hint of understanding on her face, I ran.
"Wait! Amy!"
"Forget I said it!" I yelled, running from the room and slamming the door.
I ran straight out of the house. Whether she followed or not, I'd never know.
PART II
At school if felt like hell. Shane found me right away.
"She told you right?"
"About Liam? Yeah, she told me."
"I'm sorry sweetie. After that announcement yesterday I was sure her torch burned only for you."
"I wanna die. Kill me. Kill me, I wanna die."
"Please don't." He grimaced. "I can pimp you out again, this time you'll be more for it. It'll be fun, a new experience!" He was always filled with pep.
"Oh shit, she's coming over here."
"What are you gonna-"
I ran again. She didn't deserve to talk to me.
"Amy! Stop!" I heard her voice faintly.
"Hold your fire, talk to me." I heard Shane and saw him grab her by the shoulders.
I'd have to talk to her eventually but now she knew at least. Now she could think about it and try and see why I would be upset.
Math was so boring. Liam kept staring over at me with this guilty puppy stare. In the hall between 2nd and 3rd I saw Karma and ran the other way, taking a ridiculous route to Mr. Baker's class.
Lunch would be the hardest. That's all I thought about in science.
When the bell rang I booked it to the nurse. She let me call my mom. It wasn't something I really wanted to do but it was either that or ditching school altogether. Things had been rough between mom and I so it seemed the better choice. It wasn't until we were safely in the car that she actually started to wonder.
"Amy, you've got to talk to me."
"What's there to say?" I had my feet up on the dash and I was hugging my knees. The thought of discussing this feeling with anyone other than Shane somehow felt misguided and idiotic.
"You're not sick."
"Yeah well, I feel sick."
"Must be love." She sighed.
"Ew, Mom, please!"
"It's been a long time since you and I went out." She smiled at me for the first time in weeks.
"Not because of me." I confessed.
It was a shitty thing to say. She had left work to come get me. She was taking care of me and I was treating her like dirt.
"Sorry." I was sorry.
"I'm sorry too." She confessed.
It was such a short conversation but it made me feel a whole lot better about everything.
"Milkshakes?"
"Sounds great."
She didn't bother me about my problem and I didn't bother her about how things had gone down with Lauren at the shower. We both knew we had our flaws and we both knew they weren't worth talking about.
"Thanks for saving me today."
"Thanks for letting me. It was good to be with you again like before." We used to be so close before Lauren and Bruce.
"I miss you." I confessed.
She grabbed my hand and squeezed.
At home I watched tv. She went back to work and left me at home.
My phone had been littered with messages. First Shane then Karma then Shane again then more from Karma. I had ten missed calls and several messages, even one from Lauren and surprise surprise. my almost first, Liam Booker.
First Karma: "Amy! Where are you?! I can't find you! I even checked the roof!"
Then Shane: "Look sweetie, I dunno where you went off to but your girlfriend is going apeshit right now, just so you know."
Then Karma: "Amy… We have to talk okay? You can't just say something like that and run away. I have all these questions now and I just feel like an ass. Are you okay? Do you need anything? When did this start? Can we talk? Can I hug you? Please?"
Then Shane: "Amy Amy Amy, your little escape has karma in tears. If you were looking for water-works, mission accomplished, she's over by the water-fountain sobbing into her hands. Call me baaaaaack heartbreaker!"
Surprise Liam: "Look, Amy… I know we rarely talk but I just wanted to apologize… for everything."
Surprise Lauren: "Amy, can you get your girlfriend to leave me the hell alone, she just about attacked me in the quad looking for you, and she spilled my drink all over my dress. Now she's crying like an idiot all alone. Where the hell are you?! I'm sick of your lesbian bullshit. If you can't control your woman I certainly can. And don't think I won't tell your mom about all of this because I will. That dress was expensive. I HATE YOU."
Then again from Shane: "Okay so lunch hour is almost over. You've been MIA the whole time. Liam Booker left in some dumb limo and Karma cried all over everyone before walking off to God knows where. It's lonely here. Come back please! What am I gonna do without my lesbian drama queen? Love and hugs. Hope you're okay. ByEEEEEEE!"
And the very last from Karma, the one that broke me: "You're not here. I get it. You can't even be around me… I'm an idiot. And a jerk. And... Look, I just wish… I dunno Amy. I dunno what I wish… I wish a lot of things…"
The last one was the saddest. All the others didn't matter.
Alone at last, I began to cry. Since no one was around it came all too quick and easy. I roared into my pillow until it was completely soaked. I cried until I fell asleep.
When I woke Karma was there, holding me again.
PART III
The room was dark and quiet but I felt her arm around me and her breath on my neck. When I moved a little she pulled me in tighter and nuzzled her lips to my skin.
"Are you awake?" She whispered. My breath caught.
"I.. uh, yeah." I said, scared to move.
"This feels good."
"Maybe." I said, remembering all the anger from before and the state of things. Karma had lost her virginity to Liam Booker. "How was it?"
"What?"
"Liam.. sex…" I realized before that I hadn't asked about the important stuff.
"Oh, you don't want to hear about that."
"No, it's okay. I do." I felt her sigh into my hair. I turned around so I could see her. She looked at me, brushed the hair from my eyes and held my hand.
"It was nice, at first. All the kissing was nice. He felt so strong... But the rest…"
"No fireworks?"
"It hurt a little bit." She grimaced awkwardly
"He hurt you?" I suddenly felt a complete idiot for running from her all morning. I had forgotten about actual consequences of sex. I mean, what if he didn't wear a condom?
"No, well, yes, but not on purpose. It hurt. Sex hurt." She said it as if I should understand.
"Oh…" I didn't understand. "Sorry… that sucks." It does suck.
"It's okay. I wanted to do it and I did. He was really patient and nice about it. It just never felt right, not the actual sex part. Everything else felt right..."
"I think I'd heard that before about your first time being painful…"
"Yeah, I think I'd heard that before too…"
It was silent a long while, I closed my eyes after looking at her too long. She was just staring at me, seeing me. It was too hard.
My mind started going all sorts of places. I thought about Liam on top of Karma, of Karma's eyes and Liam's shoulders. I thought about Shane and what he'd say about Liam's painful penis. I thought about myself running and running and running all day, running away.
Eventually I thought, I love holding her hand. I love being close like this. Eventually I thought, she smells amazing, God I want to kiss her. Fuck, I want to kiss her. Eventually it was all I could think.
She leaned in and I noticed. I kept my eyes shut tight and tried to pretend we weren't together like this, not after everything. I tried to pretend I was all alone and normal with no surging thoughts or sexual imagines and no confusing feelings more than capable of overwhelming me.
Her lips touched mine, and my eyes shot open. She was kissing me with her eyes closed, really kissing me now. It wasn't fake. It wasn't a dream. Her face seemed calm, her mouth eager. Seeing her that way, I relaxed. She was tasting me.
I closed my eyes and kissed her back like before. She kissed me and I kissed her back. Her tongue on mine, her lip in my mouth. We kissed again and again, getting closer and closer. With her lips on mine, and on purpose without faking, I did feel fireworks and wind and weightlessness. I ran my hand through her hair and kissed her hard, tasting her quicker.
I felt her hand pulling me close to her by the back of my neck. When she kissed me I fell into her. In the night in the dark it felt so right, I could just cry. The more we kissed the more tender I felt. She kept kissing me and pushing me until I felt so hot and turned on that I was almost suffocating from our closeness.
I gasped and pulled away.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
"I'm not," I confessed, closing my eyes in that feeling. I felt her thumb brush a tear from my cheek.
"I've got you," she said. I kept my eyes closed.
She moved up on the bed and held my face to her neck. She hugged me and held me and I just let her because it felt so right. I didn't know what to say. I cried as she held me and kissed my forehead every now and then, rubbing my back.
"I never wanted to hurt you," she said.
"I'm so sorry," I cried, holding her and letting her hold me.
"I love you," she said. "I love you."
I said nothing back, she already knew I was in love with her. I cried onto her and she held me and I fell asleep that way with all my thoughts haunting me.
PART IV
In the morning I woke to find us both beneath the comforter and sleeping, my head on her chest, my arm around her waist.
I moved away instinctively, sitting up against the wall.
"Mmm, you're awake?" She moaned.
"Yeah, guess so." It was Saturday, no rush. I sat there and looked down at her. When she opened her eyes I pretended I hadn't been looking. I turned to the side of the bed and put my feet down on the floor.
She was fast, I felt her wrap around me.
"Morning Princess." She hugged me from behind and I felt more confused than ever.
"Morning CooCoo."
"Mmm, that's not very nice," she hummed into my ear before licking it, surprising me.
"Karma…" I said, pulling her arms away from my neck.
"You never asked me how I felt about you." She smiled.
"Wh-ah- yes I did."
"When?"
"I dunno, but I did."
I got up and walked to my dresser. I hated the clothes I was in and I felt too hot to be wearing long sleeves.
"Amy, come over here." I threw my shirt off and pulled a tank on.
"I don't think it's safe." I pouted cautiously.
"Come here," she ordered. I walked to her and sat down. She held my hand and looked at me knowingly. "You know, you could've saved us both a lot of time and trouble."
"What are you talking about?"
"When did it start?" She asked, smiling.
"What?"
"Amy, don't play dumb." She pulled my arm until I turned and fell on her. "It was the threesome wasn't it? I knew it was all different then."
"Stttttop."
"You'll tell me eventually. May as well tell me now."
"It wasn't the threesome."
"But that kiss, that kiss was…"
"Yeah… it was." I remembered it fondly.
"When Liam kissed you right after, I was so angry."
"Mmm, I'm sure you were."
"I wasn't jealous of you with Liam, I was jealous of Liam with you. I guess I'd never seen you kiss anyone before... it kinda hurt..."
"Karma, you're a horrible liar."
"I'm not lying, that's why I left!" She was holding me and rocking me back and forth.
"Sure it is."
"It is…" I looked up at her.
"Okay, but that wasn't the beginning for me." I felt horrible, it really was a long time to keep a secret.
"So when?" She asked. I thought about how long I had been holding it in, how many conversations I'd had with Shane about Karma, how many lies I had told and even truths that weren't heard.
"Assembly?" I said, more as a question than an answer. I knew she'd freak.
"Assembly? When? The first assembly?"
"Yes?"
"You're kidding." She scoffed.
"I'm really not." I felt horrible having to say it.
"Wait, so you've been lying to me this whole time?"
"Not lying, just..."
"You've been kissing me and letting me ramble on and on about Liam fucking Booker. Amy! I've been torturing you for months and you've just been letting me!"
"A little?"
"THAT'S TERRIBLE!" She yelled.
Lauren pushed open my door.
"Camera's aren't here lesbos, you can settle down now and save it all for monday!"
"Ha-ha." I mocked. She slammed the door shut again and left us alone.
"It has been... Horrible and wonderful and horrible..." I let her hold me and looked up at her when she spoke.
"The whole time I was getting off on the idea of Liam, you were getting off on the idea of me..."
"I-" I moved away from her. When she said things plain it was me who sounded like the horny parrot. "I am sorry."
"I can't believe you didn't just tell me. We tell each other everything..."
"I didn't lie, you just weren't hearing me."
"Yeah, well, I hear you now."
She held her hand back out.
"What are we gonna do?" I asked.
"Well, I love you and you love me… Seems simple, doesn't it."
"Karma, you love Liam."
"No I don't." She said plainly.
"Right…"
"Kissing you yesterday after almost losing you, that was… whoa."
"I know…"
"If you think I'm not attracted to you, you're insane."
"Don't tease me."
"I'm not teasing. When you took off that trenchcoat I saw you, you were hot. I felt like a horny teenage boy seeing a woman's body for the very first time. You were… wow."
"Karma, its not funny."
"What am I gonna have to do to convince you it's you that I want."
"I dunno, but you don't have to convince me. We can go back to being friends and I can just avoid you like the plague when you're with Liam. You're my best friend, I'm not gonna lose you over this, no matter how stupid in love I am."
"I'm not getting back with Liam."
"Yes you are."
"I'm not. I mean it."
I rolled over on the bed until my face was in the pillow.
"KARMA! I FEEL LIKE A CREEP!"
"You're not a creep," Karma laughed. "You're my Amy, my special Amy." I felt her lay on me and kiss my bare shoulders. She pulled my hair off my neck and began to kiss me, sneaking in towards my chin. "Kissing you last night…" She began to say into my ear, her body pressing on to mine. "I've never felt a kiss like that. It was better than Liam."
"STOPPP!" I moaned.
"Never." She said, kissing me again and rolling off of me in her laughter.
I moved onto my side so I could stare at her.
"You really mean it?"
"Of course."
"You don't think it's weird?"
"Maybe at first it was, when we were faking, but that was before I felt anything." She seemed truthful.
"And you feel something now?"
"I TOLD YOU ALREADY!" Her eyes grew wide.
"I'm sorry, it's just. It's too good to be true." I said pathetically.
"You're too good to be true."
I couldn't help it, I blushed, a lot, and avoided her gaze. Before I could dodge it she leaned in and kissed me again. I felt my lips smile onto hers.
"Mmmm, see," she hummed into the kiss.
"You'll still have to convince me." I said, pulling away.
"Fine. I'll convince you."
It'd be a long time in convincing. Hopefully, a very long time.
THE END