A/N: Don't ask about the title, it was just a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, really, and will most likely be irrelevant to any of the short stories. Anyway, I've had the idea of creating my own crack-fic in my head for the past few days, even though I've been working on my other Death Note project. My alibi? Temptation was too hard to resist. I originally put in the summary that this was a compilation of drabbles, however, after I finished typing this chapter, I realised that it was way too lengthy, and so I decided to go with "short stories".

Summary: A compilation of short stories recounting the events of some Death Note characters and the utter nonsense and wild mischief they create during their spare time. Warning: Serious OOC-ness. Crack.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. All credit rightfully belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

Don't Try This At Home, Kids

Story One: Matt's Sandwich

Mello lounged across the black leather couch, content with eating one of his better chocolate bars and relaxing.

BANG.

Mello jumped slightly at the sound of the bathroom door slamming shut, and glared in the direction of the bathroom.

"What the hell, Matt? Why can't you be normal and just close the door instead of slamming it and being irritating?" Mello bit into his chocolate bar viciously and swallowed. Stupid Matt and his bloody slamming door technique were getting on his nerves.

The sound of water in the shower started softly before getting louder.

"What? Could you repeat that, Mello?"

Mello growled and considered stomping over to the bathroom and banging on the door and shouting at Matt, but in all honesty, he couldn't muster up any will to get up. He was in a comfortable position, not to mention the chocolate tasted so freaking heavenly. So what did he do? He laid there and began to plot the downfall of Matt.

The first thing he thought of, which anybody else would have because it was so obvious, was taking away his gaming devices. God that guy had a shitload of games in his room. It was a wonder how he never heard Matt tripping over all the wires and pieces of technology scattered around on the floor. But no, that wouldn't do. Mello had tried (and failed) that one many times, and each time he learnt the same lesson: Never steal Matt's technology and hide it from him because it's futile. It was as if Matt and his technology were connected by an invisible chain and they gravitated towards each other. Mello found it somewhat amusing actually. Was that what one would call 'magnetic attraction'?

Well since that wouldn't work, what else was there? Mello pondered over this deeply. There was another thing he had in mind, but it looked risky. He remembered clearly a few years ago, that Matt had firmly told him to never give him any chocolate or bad things would happen. And now that he thought about it, Matt avoided chocolate like a plague. It was mystifying, but was Mello willing to take the risk of ignoring Matt's order to get back at him and his slamming door technique? Yes, oh yes he was. Maybe he would get a laugh out of it, who knows. There's only one way to find out…

Matt stepped out of the shower and dried himself off, all the while thinking about how much fun it was grating at Mello's nerves. He had known Mello ever since they met at Wammy's House and here they were, years later, still friends. There was also one thing about Mello that entertained him, and that was how he could get riled up so easily if provoked. Yep, the last few years had been fun all right.

He grinned as he finished dressing himself in his outfit consisting of stripes and goggles and opened the bathroom door then slammed it shut. He waited for the inevitable yelling from Mello, and there it was.

Matt smiled wider and hummed a random tune as he entered the living room where he saw Mello sprawled across the couch in a lazy manner.

"'Sup Mello?"

Mello replied with a grunt of annoyance. He was acting indifferent on the outside (which was part of his plan, because if he didn't act normal then Matt would be suspicious of him which could potentially ruin his plan), but on the inside he was jumping up and down with anticipation. You see, while Matt was in the shower, Mello had put his plan into motion. He placed a single piece of chocolate he snapped off his bar into the very middle between fillings of Matt's sandwich in the fridge. It was extremely easy to execute, but he knew it would work. He knew because he was second only to Near, damn it!

Matt opened the fridge door and peered at the contents. Hm, where did he put his sandwich again? Oh yeah, top shelf. He reached a hand in to rummage through all the food before finally pulling out his healthy handmade sandwich on a small plate. Matt sniffed at it, and for some reason it didn't smell like it usually did. He frowned; he wanted to figure this out fast because he was currently feeling like a ravenous beast.

"Ha! Of course!" Matt snapped his fingers. "I can't believe I forgot to add the final touches. You can't eat a beauty like this without the final touches!"

He opened the fridge door again and pulled out a couple of containers.

Matt nodded determinedly. "It's time for serious business."

Mello waited patiently to see what would happen to Matt once he ate his sandwich. God, the wait was agonising. It had been a few minutes since Matt entered the kitchen, and Mello could hear movements so he knew Matt hadn't died.

He was getting impatient. What was taking Matt so long? What the hell was he doing? He was going to find out.

Mello reluctantly lifted himself off the couch, which he stared at forlornly. He never wanted to get off, but he had been pushed into doing so. Life wasn't fair. He then made his way to the kitchen, but stopped after he took a couple of steps. What was Matt doing? He had bottles and jars of marmalade, jam, tomato sauce, peanut butter, etc. littering a counter top.

"Err…Matt?"

Matt blinked, his concentration broken, and turned around to find Mello looking at him strangely.

"Yes? Look Mello, I'm kind of busy here. I gotta add all this stuff to my sandwich so I can eat it bursting with flavour!"

Mello was repulsed. "Uhh, yeah. I'll leave you to it," he quickly retreated back to the living room and lay down on the couch. That smelled terrible, how can he stand to be so near it? No, how can he stand to eat that?

There was a loud exclaim of excitement from the kitchen about "finally being done", and then silence.

Mello waited with bated breath. This was the moment he had been waiting for…

Crash. Seconds later, Matt stumbled into view, rubbing his temples.

"Mello, I feel kind of weird. I don't think I'll add too many final touches next time…I thi-" Matt hiccupped. "I think the world is –hic– screwed up sometimes y –hic– you know? I–I just can't take it any –hic– more!"

Mello stared at Matt incredulously. He kept ranting on and on about world apocalypses and gypsies and other nonsense. He just wouldn't shut the hell up.

"M-Mello," Matt slowly advanced towards his friend who was still watching him with amazement, with a sad and pitying expression. "I-I'm breaking it off! Our –hic– relationship is over! –hic– I know you've been chea –hic– ting on me with that–that Elmo guy!"

Mello sputtered. "W-what? You've finally cracked, I–"

Matt hiccupped twice and shook his head so much he stumbled to the side a bit.

"Sorry doesn't cut it, M-Mello! –hic– I saw you at his place the other day…making banana smoothies together! You said that –hic– we would make our first banana smoothies together! –hic– Explain that!"

Mello gaped, was this the true power of chocolates? He knew they were pretty damn powerful things, but to this extent…well shit.

"Matt, you were the one who was watching Sesame Street, and if I remember correctly, you were watching him make banana smoothies and said–"

"I caaaaan't hear youuu!"

"You can hear me perfe-"

"This is a betrayal of the Amazons!"

"…A betrayal of the what?"

"The bloody Amazons! We go waaaaay back, sonny."

Blink. "D–did you just call me–"

Matt threw his arms up in the air and spun around. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee-" thud.

Mello was speechless as he watched Matt fall flat on his face after he tripped over his own foot, and knocked himself out cold. The idiot. Well, what was done was done, and all he could do was hope that Matt (as well as himself) would forget about this whole incident when they woke up tomorrow morning.

But, he would make sure to remember to never give Matt chocolate. No matter what.