Note: Crossposted on A03

The feeling isn't apparent at first. It's a slow, gradual build that starts from nothing and festers like an open wound. Healing and scabbing before breaking and bleeding. Somewhere along the lines, things stopped feeling so magical and reality began to sink in, something changed and Yuuri could never pin point what exactly - but he just knew.

Their romance had been a whirlwind of moments and promises, heartbreak, envy and greed to the entire world. It was displayed, out there for everybody to see and there was no privacy. Nowhere to hide and, at first, that was fine. Both of them were used to some degree of fame, certainly not as much as some but in their own circle, own bubble of media, they were stars in their own right.

And stars had to be gazed upon.

To shine bright and be admired. Their lives were able to be scrutinized and dictated by the public, so it was no wonder that they stayed together. It was so unnecessarily dramatic, so very Viktor, but the world lapped it up - it wasn't back then though. The feelings were still fresh and love was still at the front of Yuuri's mind. Well, admiration maybe, evolving into what he would consider love. He loved Viktor, and Viktor loved him.

So when did it start?

When did that fluttering feeling in his chest whenever they were together disappear? When did simple gestures stop feeling so meaningful? When did conversations that used to be so lively become stale?

Somewhere in time, something began to change. A conflict of interests? It seemed ridiculous, they were so involved in the same world that it seemed impossible. A shift in direction, of ideals or life goals? There had to be a point where those rose coloured glasses that Yuuri wore began to crack, a chip in a glass that would soon shatter.

Yuuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov, a relationship, a romance that shook the world. Made history.

The words 'don't' and 'stop' became more frequent, soon replaced with 'that's annoying' and 'i can't believe this'. Colder they became, everything was 'fine' and Yuuri was 'okay'. He was happy . . . Happiness, he had been happy - overwhelmingly so. For a moment in his life, the world has its eyes on him - viewing with envy of what he had. What he had was Viktor was special, unique. A meaningful bond like no other.

So why did it feel so . . . empty.

He tried to convince himself, everything was fine and he could deal with it. He began to shove down the feelings, the thoughts that something deep inside was wrong. The his feelings has changed. He loved Viktor. Together they had moved heaven and earth, exceeded, smashed, expectations. He had to stay, for the sake of the man he really, maybe deeply, loved.

Selfish.

Viktor still looked at him with the same adoration, playfulness, lightness that he always had. That soft smile of his, the brightness in his eyes. Oblivious to the coldness begining to emanate off Yuuri. Hands were pulled away, side glances given and still Viktor remained, as good natured (ditzy maybe) as he always had been.

Yuuri couldn't tell if Viktor was oblivious or in denial - he just knew his own feelings were true. Or rather, weren't true.

"I . . . Feel like I . . . I should break up with Viktor."

It was his sister who he told first, her opinion was largely unbiased, it just felt better telling somebody. Viktor was away, Yuuri left on his own and the feelings were creeping in again. That disgusting feeling of unease, change and something he couldn't quite name, festering inside him. It left him feeling unhappy, vaguely depressed maybe.

"Why? Aren't you happy?"

"I . . . I don't know any more."

He truly didn't. Time had moved on from their dramatic burst onto the relationship scene. At one point everything was fine and suddenly, slowly, it wasn't.

"If something's wring, tell him. Don't rush into anything."

"Yeah."

Yuuri leant against the kitchen cupboard in his shared apartment. Everything was shared, halved, his and Viktor's. Wasn't it meant to just become one? A place of familiarity, fondness - a home? The place lacked something, a homely touch.

A loving relationship to full it maybe?

He could shove the feelings down, deep down inside him and plaster a smile on his face. He had gotten by some many times before lying through his teeth. He was fine. He was fine. He was -

Done.

Something changed one day, somewhere along the lines. It wasn't fair on him and his wasn't fair on Viktor. His precious Viktor - for how much longer. How much longer could he keep lying. Not much. It was slowly eating away at him, the guilt and silent resentment. It was a bitter ugly feeling - he was selfish, to throw away what seemed to perfect. People envied them, envied their relationship, how happy they bith were.

"You must love each other very much."

Yeah, they did. He did. At one point, he really did. But times change and people change. Don't rush into anything he was told, but how long could he wait. A year? Two years? Keeping up the same happy, lovey façade as he did. When was the right moment, was there a right moment? How did people do it? How did people fo through realtionship after relationship and not lose just a little part of them.

Maybe it was heartbreak.

No.

It was acceptance.

Acceptance that each morning he would wake to the person who he had once lived for. Once would have moved the starts to be with. Once so many years ago - things change. And whilst Viktor might still love him . . . That wasn't his case longer.

"Viktor . . . I . . ."

Deep breaths.

"I can't do this any more."

I'm sorry
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