Chapter 1 - "Demon-Infusion is Bad"
The whole thing started when our infamous trio of friends were just strolling along, chatting after lunch. We were just doing the usual, walking around while antagonizing eachother as an inside joke. We decided to take a stroll outside today, changing it up a little. As we were laughing, our friend Scarlet noticed something strange. "...What's that!?" she yelled, she usually shouts whatever's on her mind rather than using a thing we call an "inside" voice.
"Well, I can tell it's emitting a red... aura?" I said. The being we saw looked as though it were a spawn of the devil. We weren't particularly certain if it was safe to approach it. Of course, our sense of reasoning was pretty flawed at the time. Well, Scarlet's was.
"I'm gonna go poke it!" she shouted.
"Why are you shouting in my ear?" I replied.
"It's your unholy punishment for slamming me into a wall!" Scarlet said. This'll probably go on for awhile if I don't agree with her, so I played dumb.
"Oh, okay." I said as we approached the backdoors.
"...! " Peru whipped out a flyswatter and swatted something. Apparently, reality's getting more and more messed up as time goes on. "Bloody yaoi-fairies!" Ho hum, a bunny-fairy-in-a-tutu. "...Oh my god!"
"BLOODY MURDER!" Peru shouted. I shrugged it off to go outside and cool down. Of course, something felt off. Like I just dug my own grave. A fatal mistake that was, indeed. The demon seemed to have gotten up with perfect health, with that it seems that he thinks my hair is some form of crucifix. " Woah, calm down. I know you hate my fabulous hair, but blasting my head off isn't going to solve anything. Well except, get rid of my absolutely fabulous hair. "..Take the ginger!" Peru lobbed me upwards into the air as some form of sacrifice.
As I landed, I ended up on the roof of the school. Somehow, I'm not surprised that I found a knife on the ceiling. " Guys, I found a knife! Wait, where's Scarlet. " Right as I said that, she charged in at what appeared to be "Mach 9". Her teeny little arms pierced right through the satana's torso. " ...How did you even manage that. "
"Someone told me he stole my binder, so I stole his heart." She was quite literal, as she was holding out a purple heart that was still emitting a red aura. Now that I think about it, it looks like it's slowly rolling down her arm. ...And then it's sliding into her chest.
"Scarlet, smash the heart!"
"I-I can't! It's stuck half-way through my chest!" I proceeded to repeatedly smash my head into the wall for several moments before attempting to get Peru's attention.
"Peru, get the crucifix!" Apparently, Peru came prepared. Ironically, just as Peru pulled it out... it was deemed to be too late, since we couldn't see the heart.
"Well, that can't be good." Now Scarlet began levitating, until a red explosion that felt like someone was slapping an oily tuna across your face as it released. When me and Peru came to, we saw something that resembled our friend Scarlet. She was at least three inches shorter, too.
"I heard that!" Scarlet launched a fireball at me. Luckily, due to her stubby arms she missed.
"W-What the hell!? Scarlet, I know you're psychotic and short; and I mean really short. But that's not exactly necessary!" Well, that probably went off the charts a bit. Even if she's a short-little-midget-maniac-person.
Just after I said that, she started chasing after me with her Mach 9 speed. I leaped off the roof and began to run at Mach 10 as a counter-reaction. Now that I think about it, Peru was standing on my head the entire time. " So, your thoughts? "
"...I think we go with the "Get the hell out of here and run" plan." Sadly, we'd probably get caught within that time-frame.
"I think our only option is to lure Scarlet in with a midget-trap and banish her demon powers away with the crucifix, Peru." Yes, this plan is so perfect that there is absolutely no possible way it can fail.
"About that... I kinda lost is after I got it out the first time." Goddammit.
She began to rub the back of her head. After I took that bit in, I proceeded to smash my head against the wall. After potential memory loss failed, I proceeded to ask a question.
"How exactly did you get on my head, again?"
"I don't know! I think I got the bunny-fairy's sense of balance!" Apparently, yaoi-fairy dust makes it so they get super-balance and acrobatics! There was also something odd about the school, the faculty wasn't even there, leaving without a trace. Actually, there wasn't a mob of students either. It's as if everyone simply vanished or disappeared. ...I suddenly have a craving for cookie-dough ice cream.
"Well then, I guess we'll have to run until we come up with a plan." Wait, if she's on my head...
"Nope! You have to run." I figured that much, but I think we have some time on our hands since Scarlet probably still hasn't activated her powers entirely.
"Peru, do me a favor. Get off my head."
Peru whipped her hair. "NEVER!"
And with that, I threw her off my head. She landed on her feet, just as planned. "Meany..."
"I was getting head-cramps, and I'm fairly certain you're not supposed to get head-cramps." Something tells me this is progressing a tad too fast. Ah, I need a breather. "Peru, come on. We're checking out the other classrooms."
"Okay!" She did a flip in mid-air and landed on her feet... on my head. I sighed. "Well, it certainly does seem barren. ...! " I spotted a cat. That was a censoring cute cat. I ran at Mach Infinity and picked it up." Cat. I love cats."
The cat meowed. I just realized I was holding a giant tuna. Knowing my luck, it turned out to be. Well, a ginger cat. As I was about to pet it, it jumped upwards and roundhouse kicked my face. It then proceeded to rob me of my newly found oily tuna. "Ow! What was that for...?"
"Eldin." Peru suddenly said
"Yeah?"
"It's a cat." Peru proceeded to initiate her "Anti-Ginger Backhand V5", hitting me across the face for quite some time, now that I recall. To sum it up, many times.
"Ow..." After that moment, we proceeded towards the science classrooms. We opened Mrs. Krenz's classroom door first, since I'm practically the one leading. I should probably explain a few things. We were going down the science hallways while being dumbfounded. Scarlet was lost of course, so we were safe for quite a while. Mrs. Krenz is the freshmen Physical Science teacher. She also teaches Chemistry. Of course, this information is pretty irrelevant.
I looked around the room, nothing seemed out of place. Right when I was about to leave, I noticed something a bit off about the door to the chemistry closet. It was slanted open with a decomposing hand sticking out. I half-heartedly opened it, revealing the corpse of Yolanda Zorfeit. Peru came up behind me and smashed Yolanda's skull with her foot in self-defence. Well, that threw the idea of Yolanda resting in peace out the metaphoric window. "Peru, I don't think corpses can kill people." Peru spazzed out a little, motioning her arms in an "X"-like fashion.
"I-It's self-defence! Honest!" Well, rotting remains of a body would definitely freak someone out. "We should probably get out of here, w-who knows what'll happen..."
"...Okay, but..." I looked at Yolanda's rotting vessel.
"Poor Yolanda, she's still like an unknown middle-child. ...Isn't that... snow coming from the ceiling? " Hey, Peru... don't you find it odd that it's snowing? "
" Yes, I find it odd! It's pretty darn cold, too! Bloody gingers, and their warm blooded ginger blood... " I moved Yolanda's rotting vessel against the wall so we wouldn't trip over it.
Peru and I proceeded to the door to exit the classroom. " ...Why is there a black vortex on the floor. "
"IT NEEDS A SACRIFICE!" Peru picked me up, preparing to toss me at it. "The ginger must've caused it! Bloody gingers!"
My head was stuck in a wall for unknown reasons. "That joke is getting a bi-"
And then a column of void erupted from the black vortex. What came out of it was none other than... "...Yolanda!?" Peru slammed me against the wall. "Ow..." Peru began to talk right after that little ginger episode. My head was also out of the wall now, awesomeness.
"Yeah, um... it was self-defence! Promise!" Peru half-heartedly pleaded.
Yolanda was dressed in some form of black dress, her iris seemed to be completely black as, well... a black iris? Oh, I know... Coal! Yes, that's magnifique! An iris is what makes the colour of your eye, thought I might mention that. Yolanda began to talk.
"Hey, guys! After that nuke happened, Scarlet revived me! I'm not sure why I have this whole get-up on but I'm not dead! You guys are probably wondering what's up." Apparently, Yolanda's now some form of living-dead-chick-who-is-not-dead. Did I mention, she's still Greek.
"God, Yolanda! You scared the bloody hell out of me with that black hole!" Peru shouted.
"Well, yeah. That's pretty much my home-place-thingy now, you know. " Now that I think about it, something seems off... "Oh yeah, Eldin! Scarlet told me to bring your head severed from your body to her." And then, shockingly my hunch was right.
I stood, shocked for a moment. "Isn't that slaughter, Yolanda?"
"You can't have slaughter without laughter!" Yolanda proceeded to do a psychotic, maniacal laugh.
"My god, Yolanda! You're worse than the bloody ginger! And that's saying somethin'..." Yolanda began to motion her hand towards her mouth, guffawing like mad. Reminds me of B*******-sama.
"Well, before I take your head... I'm the ungolden witch!" Oh my god, why. Yolanda started approaching Peru. "...Είστε όλοι καταδικασμένοι."
"διώχνω φυσώντας!" Peru was nearly smashed against the wall, but her bunny-fairy powers still seemed to be working.
"...BLOODY GINGERS!" Peru then proceeded to pick me up by the head and slam me against Yolanda.
"W-Woah! " My hair began to shine a blinding light. As soon as I hit the Yolanda-ghost-being-thing, she exploded into her blackhole-void-thingamabob of doom. "...Ow. Well, there's one obstacle down I guess. Not really sure how Yolanda ended up as some form of demon witch. Apparently, it made her Greek too." I pondered for a moment. "Have any ideas on what she said?"
"She must've said something about your bloody gingerness!" Peru backhanded me with her trusty fly-swatter of divine justice!
I felt the newly-obtained bump on my cheek. "That still hurts, you know." We then agreed that we should leave the classroom, respecting the remains of our rotting friend Yolanda; who now has a smashed in skull. As we're walking through the halls, I decided to make some small-talk. "So, how was your day so far?"
"Well, Scarlet's even shorter now that she's a demon! She's even more of a little midgit child!" Peru complained.
"My hair's even more fabulous ever since it randomly became a crucifix. Reminds me, how'd you lose it, anyways?" In case you're wondering, nomadic goddess. No, my hair is not shaped like a crucifix.
"...Well..." Meanwhile, in Peru's flashback. "There you are, you bloody yaoi-fairy!"
"You'll never catch me, little british child!" The yaoi-fairy claimed.
"We'll see about that, bloody yaoi-fairy!" Peru threw the crucifix with super omnipotent precision! The yaoi-fairy was hit! "GWAAAH! I'M HIT!" The yaoi-fairy exploded into magical pink yaoi-fairy dust.
"Haha, success!" Peru did a little victory dance to celebrate her newly won battle. Bop. I bumped Peru on the head with my fist.
"Um... I dropped it?"
"Oh, okay." We proceeded down the halls, leading us to the library. "Hmm, maybe we can find something here."
"...I have an idea!" Peru decided to shout.
I tapped the wall. "What is it?"
"Sacrifice the ginger! " This can't be good, unless I'm apparently some form of secret masochist. No, I'm not a masochist.
I moved my vision units to glare at Peru. "I don't think that'll help." Peru smashed me into a nearby wall.
"...Ow..."
Peru proceeded to go into a little pouting phase. "Aww, fine... bloody ginger..." We then proceeded to read several aisles of books. Sadly, our little reading session was cut short.
A flaming circle blazed, having Scarlet and my amazingly adorable cat coming out of it. Scarlet proceeded to talk, is it me or is she getting shorter by the hour? "Aha! I finally found you two! The ginger AND the one who's been stealing my bunny-kills! Oh, and hi Peru~!" Well, isn't she bipolar. Of course, directly after she said that I nearly got my head blasted off by one of her fireballs.
"Woah! Timeout, timeout!" I had a spontaneous, omnipotent, extraterrestrial, ul- Peru smashed me with one of her fly-swatters as a signal to "get on already" with the flash-back.
Ooooh-flashback-magicalness-of-teleflashbackiness.
-MEANWHILE, YESTERDAY AT SOME RANDOM PLACE IN AN ALLEY DOWNTOWN WITH PIE-
And so, when I was by an alley with pie. "Oh look, a rabbit. I AM GOING TO FOLLOW IT FOR SOMETHING PLOT-RELATED!" I chased the possible plot-material down the alley. "Hah! I got it!" The rabbit exploded, revealing some random chick.
"Hi, I'm a nomadic goddess. But yeah, here." The goddess smashed me into a wall, making my body ache.
I proceeded to get up, brushing off rubble while rubbing the rather large bump on my head."What was that for...?" And then something plot-related happened! My eyes glowed a brilliant, glittering, exotic cerulean with a boot on a ledge. Such bootiful words. And then I get smashed by the boot, allowing the goddess to speak once more.
The goddess whipped her hair, slapping me in the face. "I just gave you the gift of sight, you can now look out of the eyes of others. kbye" The goddess exploded into bunnies. OH MY GOD, TOO MANY BU-
-ENDING FLASHBACK TRANSMISSION, I REPEAT. ENDING FLASHBACK TRANSMISSION-
And so I was back in reality, lovely reality with a psychotic demon who has newly polished 8-inch red heels; with spikes and lasers, only for $19.99! Buy now!
Scarlet continued after my blank-out. "Never~!" Scarlet began going on a frenzy, with the cat eating the tuna it stole earlier from me. God, that's one censoring cute cat. I just want to teach it how to make sushi, cook eggs, brush its fur and feed it treats- I then got backhanded by Peru.
"Eldin, now's not the time to be fantasizing about the cat!" I have no idea how she knew what I was thinking. Apparently, whenever she isn't calling me a bloody ginger, she temporarily gets mind-reading powers! Oooh, spooky.
"Look, a yaoi-fairy!" Scarlet and Peru simultaneously looked up and said, "Where!?" With that, I took my leave while taking the cat with me. Of course, Peru was just playing along as she followed me out the door while Scarlet had an "ADD" moment with the diversion. Ironically, as we left... the tutu-yaoi-bunny-fairy-whateverthefuckitis came back.
"You, again!" Peru whipped out her signature fly-swatter and smashed it against the wall. "Oh dammit, Peru. Look straight at my face. M-U-R-D-E-R is bad! Murder bad, murder very bad!" I did a comedic caveman strut.
"Oh, he so saw that one coming though! Bloody ginger, telling me what to do..." Peru proceeded to repeatedly smash a nearby wall with a pouty face worn. Literally, she took out a facemask of her face pouting. Freaky.
"Well, we should plan our next action. Running around isn't going to help."
"Dammit, the ginger has a point..." We have to think on a way to combat Scarlet, she's really short too. I mean really short.
I stood for a moment, proceeding to ask the best question in the worldy world."Peru, did you notice Scarlet's getting shorter as the time passes?"
"No, I thought she was always really short! Like, really-really-REALLY short! You must be losing it, ginger-blonde person!" Okay then. Hmm? My eyes caught sight of a panicked civilian, lovely.
I pointed in the direction I saw that person. "Peru, look!"
"Is it another yaoi-fairy!?" Peru whipped out a person and shot the humanoid figure. " ...Uh, Peru. It was a person, not a yaoi-fairy. "
" ...I blame the ginger! " Peru proceeded to run in the opposite direction of where we were going. Since pretty much everyone seems to have disappeared, I don't think she'll get arrested. Where'd she get that gun, anyways? ...!
"Cat!" I chased the cat through the corridors and out the back of the school. Scarlet flamed in with her demonic midget-demon powers. " Hah! I got you again, Eldin! But Peru isn't here! I guess I'll just wait. " Scarlet snapped her fingers, setting a flame circle around me. Lovely, fire. Oh well, atleast I got the cat. " I think I'll call this cat... Cat. " Cat meowed. "Aww, you're such a cute cat, Cat."
Scarlet facepalmed, witnessing this moment. " This is hurting my head. " said Scarlet. "Ah, well. I think I'll wait here until Peru feels like showing up. " Two hours of cat-grooming later. Peru came dashing in with a bokken.
"FOR THE YAOIIII!" Peru shouted as she came dashing through the corridors, grabbing onto a vine and swinging towards us like an ape-person! Sadly, her attempt was stopped when her bokken lit on fire, leading her to smash into a nearby wall. She lept up, proceeding to spaz over her bokken being on fire. Scarlet put her hand behind her back.
"I don't want to kill you, Peru." Scarlet then whipped out a contract! "So I'll use my counter move, the servant contract!"
Peru then stared at it for a bit, thinking. " ...Where do I sign? " Oh dear.
Scarlet wore a devilish grin across her face. "Right there, on the bottom."
"Okay!" Peru whipped out a pencil and started writing. ...She wrote an "X" and a square. Peru did a double backflip while flipping off Scarlet, dashing in the other direction. "CRUCIFIIIIIIX!"
Luckily, this made Scarlet forget about her flaming circle around me. Scarlet ran after Peru while I resumed walking through the halls with this newly adopted cat of mine that I named Cat. "Well, things certainly got interesting, haven't they Cat?"
"Mroww~" I think Cat wants some food. I took a cat treat bag out of my pocket that I found earlier. I then fed it ten bits. Cat began purring. " Purrr~" This little solemn peace didn't last long as I noticed it started snowing, from the ceiling.
A frost pentagram formed on the floor, summoning some form of monster. An icy blast of snow flashed before my eyes. " Bam! Wendigo, here! It's time to get my freeze on! " This is far from good. "I'm gunna chill up a rad snowstorm, bro."
"That's probably not a good idea, mister Wendigo sir."
"Don't worry, brah. You'll make a pretty chillin' statue! Or maybe even a frosty dinner..."
The wendigo charged up a giant ball of snow, which was probably a signal for me meaning "I'm going to make you my chew toy".
As he attempted to blast me with it, I dodge-rolled to the side. "Agua?! You dodged it!? You're pretty chillin' to make me miss! I guess I'll just have to... uh... freeze you from the inside!" I assumed I'd feel pretty chilly sometime soon. Wait, isn't that one of the yaoi-fairies?
"Hee-hee! I'm free from that british she-devil called Peru! I shall make tons and tons of yaoi! Nothing can stop me now! YAOIHEEHEEHEE~!" Seems like the yaoi-fairy's escaping Peru's divine wrath of fly swatterness.
Oh look, it's Peru. "I finally found you, bloody fairy!"
"No, I was so close!" Peru smashed the yaoi-fairy, which actually also smashed through Wendigo. "HNNNGAAAAH!" The wendigo and the yaoi-fairy made a pink and blue neon explosion of colourfulness, wonderful.
"So, how's Scarlet?" I asked.
"Oh, I lost her with my ultra-trusty ginger-traps!" A shiver went up my spine at the phrase "ginger-traps".
A drop of sweat fell from my forehead. "Those were fake, right."
"Oh you bloody gingerwart, they only make random people we don't even know!" This can't be good.
"Peru, I hope you realize that there'll be corpses everywhere, right?" Peru stood still for a couple moments.
"Bloody hell, Eldin! Why didn't you tell me earlier, you bloody ginger!"
"You were getting chased by Scarlet." I nonchalantly groomed Cat.
Peru picked up a rock and slammed it on the wall. "Touche, ginger." No questions here, none at all.
"Well, let's get going." We proceeded to go around the career center, I'm not entirely sure why. ...Oh dear. Well, there's an angel that's nearly dead. "Hey, Peru-"
"BLOODY MURDER!" The angel-figure spoke. "I'm kinda going to die, so take this electric spear." The angel handed Peru an electric spear before exploding into pillows. "What just happened." "I don't know, you make sense out of this you bloody ginger!"
My stomach growled. "Peru, are you hungry?" I'm hungry...
"Now that you mention it, yes. I am." After she said that, the career center turned into a steakhouse.
"...Let's go in there." I dragged Peru into the steakhouse.
"W-Where are we going, and why does it smell like bloody steak!? You know I'm a vegetarian, you bloody ginger!" Peru whipped out her trusty fly-swatter of great justice and backhanded me with it.
After her fly-swatter wallop, a waiter came in. "We sell excellent salads as well, miss."
"...Oh. You won this time, you bloody ginger..." Peru mumbled with insidious volume, if that makes any form of possible sense in this reality of realities.
"As strange as this is, it doesn't seem bad. Apparently, your trap started a restaurant."
Peru started to pump her fists in the hair as a victory dance of some sort."So it was a good thing I set those ginger-traps!"
"Seems like , let's take a seat." We both took a seat in one of those booths. We ordered our food, proceeded to eat. We did our nonchalant small-talk which consisted of "bloody gingers" and a satanic midget person. "And so, I found this cat and I named it Cat-" Lights flashed with curtains revealing a wide state with an array of fancy lights. My fabulous hair seems to double as a reflective surface, because my head seems to have become a disco-ball. The person coming out of the center of the stage was none other than our friend Scarlet. "...Is this a nightclub now, Peru?" I said as I stared puzzled at the newly appeared stage of demonicalness.
Peru looked back and forth repeatedly. "I don't know, but you must've done something wrong you bloody ginger!" My face was slapped by Peru's trusty fly-swatter a plethora of times. It means she constantly hit me while shouting "bloody ginger", get it? Hahahahahaha- kick-smash-rip-tear-knee-chop-etc.
For the next hour and a half, we witnessed the most horrid event anyone could ever have mentally recorded a sight of; Scarlet singing and dancing, at the same time. The thought sends chills through our spines as we cower in fear of her tyrannical voice.
I took a closer look at the crowd, something seems pretty odd about them. Odd, as in pointy horns and red tail odd. Apparently, while we were looking around the school for answers... Scarlet became some form of hit idol in hell. I didn't think that would've happened, but it did.
" Peru, make a diversion. ...That doesn't involve lobbing me into a wall. "
"...Fiiiine... bloody ginger..." Peru said before nonchalantly walking backstage, with her hand behind her back. I took a bite of my steak, which tasted oddly gave me a mental image of dead puppies. I just realized I was holding Cat the entire time. I proceeded to groom Cat once more.
"Ah, Cat. You're such a cat." Directly after I said that, Peru came in from behind Scarlet. She had two trusty fly-swatters of great justice this time around.
"I'M A BLOODY VEGETARIAN!" Peru smashed Scarlet upwards, lobbing her into the air. With her other hand, she threw her left-handed trusty fly-swatter of great justice at Scarlet's face. "That's what you get for opening a steakhouse nightclub, bloody midget..." With that, we casually left the steakhouse nightclub. What a bloody nightmare. Croinky, I'm suddenly australian.
After that little episode, we proceeded to flee to the southern corridors. Sadly, the little humanoid spawn-creatures Peru's ginger-trap made are still here.
I tapped the wall, thinking about more plot-relevant ideas. "So, any ideas?"
"...Yes! " Peru grabbed onto my head and lobbed me over the crowd of humanoid ginger-traps.
I just realized how bad that sounds, anyways. While I was in mid-air, Peru's yaoi-bunny-fairy powers activated last minute, allowing her to stand on my head unphased as I was flung through the air. I face-planted on the hard marble floors several moments later. Luckily, Cat managed to sneak through the crowd of humanoid spike-traps. Yeah, humanoid spike-traps sounds better. What happened next was a bit of a haze, it seems like it's been days when it's only been around an hour or two. Peru remembered something quite crucial.
"Bloody ginger! You murdered the rock, bloody murder! BLOODY MURDER! " Peru backhanded me with supreme, omnipotentacular speed.
I said the most intelligent thing in the world that can ever be said in the universe of universities of smarticalness. "...It's a rock."
Peru gave me the best reason ever for smacking someone. "Oh... well you still deserve that for being a ginger!" Peru smacked me again.
I slumped against a nearby wall. "...Okay."
We didn't really know what to do next, so we decided to head back to the steakhouse nightclub. What a lovely decision, the best decision ever in the history of ever.
I have absolutely no idea what day it is today! "So, I forgot what day it was today."
Peru proceeded to yell what day it was today. "Mart, it's monday you bloody ginger!"
"My name's Eldin." So much enthusiasm, I think I showed enough for the daily hour of the hours within the hour of milli-hourly hours.
"It's Mart now, bloody ginger.." On that note, I saw a demonic midget-child dashing through the hallways; extremely long hallways at that..
"I'm baaack~!" Scarlet came charging in, entirely normal as can be. Well, if you call a five foot four child that runs around with a flaming bow in one hand while shooting fireballs out of the other normal.
Peru thought she was going to stab a rock, or something. "It's you, you bloody midget that stole my bloody yaoi-fairy kills!" Peru whipped out her electric spear this time, what a plot-twist!
I decided to give Cat a wooden spool. Cat flung it at Scarlet's palm, knowing Scarlet's luck...
The spool hit! "Hey! That spool gave me a splinter!" Scarlet furiously dug it out. "AGH! This burns worse than the initiation into tyranny!" Scarlet furiously smashed her hand.
"You did something good for once, bloody ginger!"
I put my hands on my temples. All this yelling sure can put a toll on your ears, kinda like a fifty-seven-and-a-half toll. Does that even make sense? Probably not. "Why is everyone yelling?"
Scarlet looked my way. "Because we can, Mart."