You Weren't There For Me
"Has anyone seen Keith?" Shiro asks. He hadn't seen his friend and fellow paladin for some time. Even though Keith was not as sociable as Lance or Hunk, he would still spend some time with his paladins in between missions and training. But, now it is like he just wanted to be by himself and disappear.
'Finding out you are part Galran can do that to you.' Shiro thought. Black seems to purr in agreement.
Hunk shrugged. "He might be training or in his room."
The first place he looked was the training deck. Usually, Shiro would have had to come in and stop Keith from collapsing from training too much. Right now, however, pure silence was what greeted him. The next room Shiro checked is Keith's dorm room, passing both Lance and Pidge. Again, silence greeted Shiro.
'The Red cub might be with his Lion.' Black stateed through their bond.
As Shiro turned to leave, his eyes caught the Blade of Malmora. It leaned against the wall, reaching about halfway up the wall. In all honestly, Shiro didn't feel easy looking at it. He knew of good Galrans. Hell, he was rescued by Ulaz not once but twice, the second time costing the Galran his life. The Blades were on their side. Despite this fact, the ways of the Blade, torturing Keith mentally and physically for their code 'Knowledge or Death', reminded him way too much of the Gladiator Pit. His right arm throbbed as the memories of the trials came back to him.
Must. Find. Keith. Shiro mentally chanted. For five minutes, Shiro evened out his breathing. Patience yields focus. Right, as Black stated, there was only one place Keith could be. As he entered the Red hanger, he saw Keith in his casual attire (minus his jacket and gloves) cleaning one of Red's paws. Keith looked in Shiro's direction, but makes no move to stop and address his leader. First strange thing.
Shiro walked up to Keith.
"Keith, can we talk?" Keith nodded, but still scrubs Red.
"What's wrong, Shiro?" Shiro winced at how tired he sounded. Keith wasn't the most outwardly energetic. But, there was this ever present fire inside of him, much like his Lion. It presented itself in his voice, actions and limited interactions with others. But, it was almost as if his inner flames were extinguished. When was the last time Keith had slept?
"Shiro, what's wrong?" Shiro blinked at the question. He didn't even realize he had blanked out. Keith was now looking at him worriedly , one hand frozen on Red and the other on Shiro's shoulder.
"Ah, sorry about that. Zoned out. Anyways, I came here to tell you about the meeting to discuss the Battle Plan in detail. Tomorrow, first thing in the morning at 0700 Vargas."
"Yes Sir." Keith lowered his hand and continued to scrub again.
Shiro noticed how he wasn't even scrubbing dirt now. The area was squeaky clean.
"Keith, are you ok?" Shiro asked tentatively.
"I'm fine." Keith answers swiftly. 'Red says her cub is not fine. He is angry.' Black calmly warns Shiro. If Keith was angry, Shiro needed to sort it out now. Going angry into a battle was never a good thing. He places his human hand on Keith's shoulder. "Keith, if there's anything bothering you, you know you can talk to me about it, right? I'm here for you."
In an instant, Red growled at Shiro. 'Don't make statements like that!' Black translated. Shiro's mind worked on that statement. Why did Red act so violently towards it? Was Keith's anger got something to do with talking? Meanwhile, Keith remained in place, frozen. He took a deep breath. "I'm fine Shiro. Just a lot on my mind, that's all."
Shiro didn't budge. Something wasn't right and it had something to do with trust. That was big problem, especially considering what was at stake. The paladins need 100% trust in one another. There was no room for distrust, anger or arguments.
"Keith, I know something is wrong. You're alone all the time unless you're on missions. You're quieter than normal and you don't even snap at Lance anymore." Shiro blurted out.
Unbeknownst to Shiro, Red was also begging Keith to do the same thing.
'Please, my cub. Tell him. He will understand.'
No he won't. He'll think I'm stupid. He'll …
'He'll understand. He is the Black cub for a reason. Black cub will help you. That is clear.' Red states with a tone that meant to end this argument that they have had time and time again.
Keith closed his eyes and leaned towards Red. He focused on his breathing. How was he going to word this? Was Shiro going to think less of him? Red growled in his head at that last question.
'I know and you are still my cub. Black Cub is still here too.' That's when Keith realized Shiro hadn't moved his hand on his shoulder. Shiro was still there.
As this train of thought is going on in Keith's head, Shiro was thinking about the possibilities of what could be hurting Keith this badly. Lance? Nope, those two fight like dogs, but it wasn't as serious as it used to be. The insults now were mainly for the hell of it. It was just their relationship.
His gut told him it was his Galran Race. If that is the case, is Shiro really the right person for this job? Shiro was 100% human, meaning he has no idea what Keith is going through.
Maybe I should get the Blades to talk to him. But what if they put him through hell again?
'Red Lion would burn down the Castle.' Black stated. Shiro amusingly recalled that protectiveness Red showed for Keith, her cub.
"Keith, please. At least, look at me." Shiro begged. He needed to figure this out.
Shiro gently turned Keith to face him. Instantly, he saw a single tear streak appear on Keith's cheek. Shiro could count on one hand all the times he has seen Keith cry. Most were due to injuries, but one was from a fever induced dream long ago.
"Mum, Dad! I'm sorry! Please, don't go! Don't leave me!"
This was bigger than he thought.
"Keith, I need to know what's going on. Whatever it is, we can fix it."
Keith was still focusing on breathing. He knows Shiro won't leave without the truth, and he always got the truth. Keith just didn't know how to word it. Shiro seemed to sense Keith's discomfort.
"Take your time. You've got my attention." Keith relaxed as soon as he said that. His shoulders dropped and he no longer leaned towards Red for support.
It took him a whole 5 minutes to find what to say.
"Shiro, do you hate me?" Keith asked. His voice was so tired and frail, like it was going to shatter at any moment.
Shiro blinked repeatedly at the odd question. "No, of course not! Where did you even get an idea like that?" Keith faced down, unable to keep contact as even more tears threatened to spill.
Instead of making him feel better, Shiro's answer feels like a stab to the heart. It took all his strength for Keith to keep standing. Red subtly moved her leg to support his back, urging her cub to continue.
"Keith, I thought that would help you." Shiro honestly couldn't figure out this struggle with emotions.
Then, the air felt like it got 10 times colder. Keith raised his head to match Shiro. His eyes seemed to have dancing flames of fury in them. He coldly pushed Shiro's hand of his shoulder, ignoring the chill that hit him there. There were still unshed tears, but there was no way in hell Keith was going to let them tumble out in front of Shiro. Not now.
"That just proved my fear."
"What fear?"
"You know, when I found out I was Galran, I expected the others to be shocked or scared. I expected some discomfort. And believe me, I've gotten that from Allura." Keith breathed.
"But, I thought YOU'D be supporting me. That you would see that I'm NOT a Zarkon follower. I guess I was wrong."
Shiro was shocked by this admission. This was definitely not what he thought the problem was.
"What are you talking about? I'm still 100% on your side." Shiro's voice raises in volume.
"Is that why you let Allura make all those remarks about me? Is that why you didn't stand up for me when she blatantly refused to acknowledge me as a Paladin? Is that why you let her get away with not greeting the Blades with a bow of acceptance?" Keith's voice raises just like his anger. He remembered every cold stare, every side remark, every jab at him for being part Galran … and every time no one stood up for him. It was as if none of his hard work, training and even any time he rescued someone counted. All that counted was his blood, something completely out of his control. Shiro attempted to grab his shoulders, only for both hands to be swatted away.
"I just … I thought YOU'D be there for me."
It was supposed to come out strong, but instead it was a whisper. Shiro was speechless. He knew Allura was not a fan of Keith at the moment. But, they were discussing the end of Zarkon. Nothing could stress out the importance of this mission. There was no time to address something like this then. Shiro noticed the emphasis of 'You'. What hurt Keith more, the actual remarks, or Shiro's lack of defence for him?
Thinking of the emphasis of the word 'You', Shiro was drawn back into a memory from what seemed like another lifetime ago.
It was after a long day at the Garrison, training for Kerberos. Shiro arrived home to see Keith collapsed on the floor.
"Keith?" It was clear from the redness of his cheeks and his temperature, the boy had a fever. He moved the hair out of Keith's face only to be surprised to see him awake.
"You know beds were created for a reason, right?" Keith grimaced at the lame attempt at humour. He curled up even more so into himself.
"Alright, no more jokes. Where does it hurt you the most?"
"Stomach." Keith moaned. Shiro lightly pressed the area above the stomach. Nothing. However, when he pressed below the stomach, Keith gasped and tugged his arm away from that area. "Sorry, had to check. Ok, first step, let's get you off the floor. Can you walk?" Keith looked away, shaking his head in shame. He knew what was coming next. Shiro first laid him on his back, then placed one hand under Keith's knees and the other on his back. In a swift motion, he lifted Keith into his arms. Keith was trying not the puke from the sudden motion. He looked like a ripe tomato ready to burst out juices. Shiro placed his patient on the couch. Then he set a bucket next to Keith on the floor. "Just in case." Not 2 seconds after he placed the bucket down, Keith managed to fill it halfway. Keith's gonna need a bigger bucket.
Whilst Keith puked his insides out, Shiro set to work identifying what was causing his friend so much pain. When he lifted Keith's top, he was shocked to see how thin he was. He could see his ribcage poking out his skin.
"Keith, when was the last time you ate?" Shiro asked, hiding the panic he had.
Keith shrugged. Immediately, Shiro set to cook something he knew Keith could stomach, vegetable soup. It took him 30 minutes. In that time, Shiro also got Keith out of sweat soaked clothes into an old oversized T shirt and some loose jogging pants. When Keith had finished the soup and taken some medicine, he dozed off.
In the middle of the night, Shiro was awoken by screams. At first, he thought it was an attack, only to see Keith fighting against the thin blanket. The cries of a boy who begged phantom parents not to go, to take him with them, strung at his heartstrings. He placed his hand into Keith's hand.
"I'm here. It's going to be ok. You're safe." Shiro repeated as the boy slowly but surely came out of his nightmare. "Please, don't leave me." It was that final cry, that final plea from a sobbing, feverish and semi-conscious Keith that prompted Shiro to say the next words.
"I will be there for you. I promise."
Shiro reflected that he failed Keith, twice with those words. The first was by Zarkon and his Galran Empire, a threat unknown to him at a time. The second time was by his own inaction towards a threat to Keith so close to him. He could've told Allura to stop, or supported Hunk when he acknowledged Keith as a paladin. But, he was so focused on the overall goal of stopping Zarkon, he never even thought about the paladins as individuals or how they were coping being pushed to their limits with double missions and less time than usual just to cope.
He never thought of how words were affecting Keith, who found out he was part of the very race that has hurt billions of people.
Oh My God! I've become Zarkon! His heartbeat quadrupled and banged against his chest. He could feel himself going into a panic.
Black roared in his ears. 'Don't you dare compare yourself to him! You feel guilt. He feels nothing. You can still fix this.'
Black was right. He can fix this. He will. Shiro took a deep breath, only to see Keith kneeling by him, holding his hand through a minor panic attack. Just like Shiro did for him all those years ago.
"Shiro, you had a mini panic attack. Are you OK?" Keith asked tentatively. Shiro accepts the pull up. Just then, the hanger doors open with a hiss. Keith can feel Red's anger build, which can mean only one thing.
'The witch is here.' Red purred through their bond.
Allura ran towards them. "Shiro, your vitals spiked for a few ticks. What happened?"
"It's OK. Shiro had a minor panic attack. He's fine now." Keith replied, only to be greeted with a cold stare. Red growled out loud at the blatant insult towards her cub.
"Can you not control Red anymore, paladin?" Allura sarcastically remarked at Keith, shooting daggers his way.
"No one controls a Lion." Shiro said, his voice laced with darkness. Keith knew what that meant, Shiro was angry. Oh no. "And you should show respect to the Red Paladin of Voltron." Allura's eyes narrowed at the threat.
"What are you implying?" Allura challenged.
"I'm implying your current behaviour of being - for a lack of a better term- a bitch towards the Red paladin is unacceptable and is hampering any progress we may have against Zarkon." Keith's mouth couldn't drop any faster than it did. Allura's eyes widen at the insult.
"It seems you've forgotten your place or who you're speaking to, Black Paladin."
"Actually, I've remembered my place. My job is to lead and to stick up for my paladins, not to mention my friends and comrades in arms. My job is to sort out any issues and any problems that may arise as the leader." Shiro corrected her. "And I previously failed in spotting your vile and remorseless attacks against a fellow paladin, making me a rubbish leader."
"Shiro, you're not…" Keith began, only to be cut off.
"It's true, Keith. I'm deeply sorry for not sticking up for you like I should've. But, I'm going to fix it now." Shiro looks Allura in the eye.
"I'll apologize to you, once you apologize to Keith for your behaviour."
Allura's eyes widen even more in insult. "I do not apologize for being cautious as a Galran is operating the Red Lion."
"How about when he saved your life when the escape pod blew up? How about all the times he has followed your orders 100%? How about when he fought Zarkon to buy us time to escape?"
The tension in the room could have been cut with a knife. "Keith has proven himself time and time again that he is more than worthy of the title of a Paladin of Voltron. Which cannot be said for you if your blind hatred of the Galra compels you to act like a petty little girl instead of a Princess."
'Black Paladin has anger to rival yours, my cub'.
Allura took a deep breath before firing a look that would exterminate a man if looks could kill. She walked off, ending this argument for now.
"Shiro, you shouldn't have done that." Keith stated, though his heart is dancing at the fight before him. Finally, someone finally fought for him! Shiro fought for him!
Shiro shook his head, before sighing. "I can handle a pissed off princess." Shiro looked Keith in the eye. "I meant every word of it. You're more than worthy of being Red's Paladin."
Red hummed in agreement. 'My cub'. The tears fell as the two paladins hugged. 'You've done well, my cub. Much better leader than Zarkon, you are.' Black remarked, pride filling her voice. Shiro felt his heart relax and his mind distress. He was not Zarkon. He was the Black Paladin now.
For the first time, Keith felt like he could breathe again. He felt like the universe wasn't against him. He could take the jabs from Allura, the worried looks from Lance and Pidge, the occasional joke of "Galra Keith' from Hunk. He could take it all. Why? Because Shiro was there for him. His best friend, no, his brother was there for him.
What more did he really need now?