Hello everyone! It has been a while since I update. This is the sequel of the story 'Before Dawn'. I have started writing and planning out the story plots up to chapter 6, and the whole story should be about 10chapters the most. I won't be updating quite frequently, but I will if I can. This story is supposed to end exactly at day of Christmas, but as I am going holiday on 22Dec, I won't be able to do so. Sorry! Yes, this is a christmas fic, but plot is mostly focusing on Allen and Kanda the main characters!

Enjoy~! Please review and tell me how I write! I try not to write too angsty because this story rounds up the final relationship between the both of them. It is supposed to be a happy ending right? Alright, maybe the recalling of the memories is slightly angsty :\

I have read this for many times so hope there isn't any mistakes! If have, please tell me! Thanks! :D

This story is focusing on two pairings! Yullen and LaviLena. I didn't touch on LaviLena for the story 'Before Dawn' so this time, there will be chapters about this two besides Kanda and Allen. Of course, yullen is still the main pairing XD

Sorry.

He remembered that he apologised to him.

Sorry.

He remembered that he pushed him away at the last moment.

Sorry.

And it was at that moment, when he felt that he was the most miserable person in the world.

x

And in today already walks tomorrow - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

- Colourful Moments -

x

Chapter 1: First Step

He just stared at the sunrise solemnly, realising that the time had ran out. The heat was slowly entering the stuffy room, the bright light basking at his body as he stood there by the windows for the whole night till now. His lips parted slightly, a soft sigh escaping out of his lips as his eyes softened. His left arm was resting at the window while his other arm were hanging freely at the side of his body.

Dawn had arrived, before he knew it. He knew he shouldn't behave like this. It wasn't going to happen to the both of them anyway. He was clinging onto an empty hope, that was all.

"I'm leaving," Allen murmured softly, seeing his room and the scenery here once again, wanting to remember everything in his head forever. After picking up the luggage in his hand, he slowly turned his back, walking towards the door. As he opened it and stepped out, a thought just entered his mind.

Would he remember everything? Everything about this place, everything about the friends and people he met here, whom he cherished greatly? Would he remember the memories all of them shared?

Allen stiffened. Would he remember Kanda? He probably would.

But would Kanda remember him?

- Colourful Moments -

"Allen!" Allen blinked and turned to stare at a little girl who was making an annoyed face when he had ignored her for a few minutes. Apparently, she was the daughter of his neighbours and they hoped that he and Lenalee could take care of her until they returned home from their friends' wedding dinner that day.

"Sorry, Alicia! What did you say just now?" The silver-haired teen put the newspaper aside and laughed sheepishly.

"Allen, why aren't you listening attentively to what I'm saying?" She gave a huff and turned around sharply, her arms folded tightly at her chest as she gave an unpleasant face at his attitude. Allen panicked slightly, not know how to do to salvage the situation. He turned and stared at the olive-haired girl who was watering the plants outside the balcony. She noticed his gaze and just shook her head.

"Sorry, but I am not going to help you this time, Allen. You have to answer this for yourself," She replied, and Allen's heart literally sank.

"Help me, Lenalee!" He whined, giving her a pleading look. She shook her head once again. It wasn't because she didn't want to help him. In fact, she wanted to help Allen in whatever she could, to repay him for what he had done and suffered during the battle. Lenalee glanced at Allen who was trying to persuade that child to forgive him just this once. Her hands which had been moving gradually stopped, the wet piece of clothing in her hands.

"Lenalee?" Allen asked, seeing that she had stopped doing the laundry. Lenalee smiled and shook her head, decided to continue in her work, but the more she stared at Allen's solitude shadow, the more she was reminded of the physical and mental injuries that Allen had taken a few years ago. The battle had ended ten years ago, but were those injuries completely healed? That boy did not show through his face expressions, yet she always had a feeling that the pain was still there.

She hadn't forgotten that sorrowful look he gave her when she entered his room on the last day. Till now, she had absolutely no idea what had happened which made him cry, and she was astonished, because Allen rarely cried. Even if he was tortured by the Noah inside him, he did not cry. Or at least, he did not show anyone his painful side. But on that night, he was completely different. Allen looked so haggard, so vulnerable for the first time. He looked like he was about to fall any moment, and she couldn't do anything to help him ease the pain.

At this time, the house phone rang. Allen got out of his chair and walked over to the table, picking it up.

"Hello?" There was some muffled sounds. Allen could only hear some shouts, before someone was on the line.

"Is this Allen-kun?"

"Komui-san!" Allen exclaimed. Lenalee looked up from her laundry work immediately. Allen exchanged glances at her, telling her that her brother was at the line. Lenalee gave a warm smile and nodded her head, knowing what he meant. Komui had a job as a researcher after they left the Black Order, and there hadn't been time he could spare to stay with them. There were many assignments to do, many deadlines to catch, and they were mostly carried out overseas. There were some days which he returned, but he would never stay for more than three days before he had to leave again.

"Do you want to speak to Lenalee?" Allen asked. There was no reply.

In the Black Order, Komui would always pester her and chase away anyone who dared to have thoughts on her. He was slightly irritating, and sometimes she wished he could just go somewhere else and do not bother her, but now, she was feeling slightly not used to having her brother not at her side. The absence of his voice made her heart emptier than usual.

"Is she around?" Allen turned to Lenalee, only to see her dazed look on her face as she seemed to be lost in her thoughts. He raised his eyebrow, wondering what she was thinking about, but he could guess how she was feeling right now. It was so lonely being alone in a house without the sight of her loved one which gave her security for many years. Allen loosened the grip of the receiver slightly, turning away.

It was the same for him. For many years, he had been trying to forget. His feelings were gradually getting numb after so many painful years, but there would always be an uncomfortable sting lingering at his heart once in a while. He couldn't find any words to describe that type of feeling. It just felt...tight, enough to make him hard to breathe.

"Allen-kun?" Komui questioned.

"Yeah, she is around," Allen answered, staring at a photo album which was left opened. He couldn't push away the urge to flip through the pages, to that particular picture which only had him inside. Allen squeezed his fingers tightly, telling himself countless times that he couldn't do that, yet something inside him was slowly going out of control. The emotions which was repressed was gradually surfacing, and he realised one thing.

Till now, he still missed him. And he missed him so badly.

"Allen?" Alicia was looking at him in puzzlement. Lenalee turned around, looking at him as well. Allen smiled weakly and turned away. It was his fault. He shouldn't behave this way.

"Lenalee, do you want to talk to your brother?" Lenalee looked at Allen in slight doubt, before she nodded her head and walked to him. Allen handed her the receiver, and as she reached out to take it, he redrew his hand quickly and got out of his seat.

"I realise that I haven't finished my assignment yet. I return to my room," Allen said, as he turned and walked up the stairs, disappearing to his room without a word. Lenalee stared at Allen worriedly, but realising that Komui was still on the line, she put the receiver at her ear and gulped nervously.

"Hello?" She did not know what to say, after they had been separated for many months. She had so many things to ask him, yet everything was just forgotten as she was going to engage her conversation with him. Lenalee gripped onto her long skirt anxiously, trying to chase off the nervousness and act normally.

"Lenalee, it's so good to hear your voice again. How have you been?"

"I'm fine, niisan. You?"

"There are still work needed to be done, but no worries, I will be returning back this Christmas."

"I see." Lenalee's eyes slightly widened. She turned towards the window, seeing some remains of frosty white at the transparent frames. The weak sunlight was shining faintly through a distance, and the clouds were constantly passing by, never stopping. It was ten days till Christmas, as she realised how long time had passed.

"How are you, Lenalee? I miss you."

Lenalee opened her mouth, but realised that nothing came out. Her chest was feeling so tight that she felt rather hard to breathe. She was flustered, yet so happy that Komui would be able to come back for Christmas. It had been a long time since she was able to celebrate this special occasion with her loved one. To her, Komui was someone she held so preciously. She had no idea how she should react to the good news.

"Lenalee?" Alicia was blinking at her, and before she knew it, she was crying.

"I...I miss you too, niisan. I miss you," She murmured softly, her hand covering her mouth as the tears streamed down uncontrollably down her face. The frustrations just washed out of her mind instantly, leaving a slight tinge of warmth present in her cold body. It was more than enough. The olive-haired girl slowly sank down on the soft couch, and as she clutched onto the little girl's hand tightly, she broke down, happy at last.

He was sitting at his room, holding onto his pen and spinning it around his fingers. Allen stared at the tutorial work which he had to hand in to the Literature teacher tomorrow, yet he couldn't find the mood. Allen leaned his head on the papers, letting out a soft sigh as he stared outside the windows.

After leaving Japan and coming to England, he practically had everything that he had wished for. He wished for a decent room with a comfy bed, a desk for him to work on and shelves filled with books of different genres for him to gain knowledge on. He was currently doing his university studies, and he was planning to enter Harvard after he graduated. He had made many friends, and had experienced stuffs that he had not done when he was an Exorcist. It was like his dream had finally been fulfilled, and that he had no more regrets.

Allen got out of his chair and strode his way to his bed. He spun around and sank down onto it, his face looking at the bright ceiling decorated with stickers of stars and the moon which could glow with a luminous green colour at night. Somehow, the light gave him some comfort and reassurance when he was surrounded by darkness. The room wasn't as dull and plain as what he had in the Order's dorm. He was behaving more like a normal teenager boy, and he was glad that he had finally experienced it. Allen peered at the ceiling, reaching his hand out.

Was he finally satisfied? Was he content that everything stayed this way? To be a normal teenager boy and go on with a normal life? Was there no regrets in this decision?

Allen curled up his legs, turning to the direction where he could see the sun clearly. He stared at the faint light shining from above, wondering why the sun could still give out such a bright light even though it was rather far away. The warmth was here, but not enough to warm up his body. He shivered slightly at the cold from the snowstorm yesterday night. It was still so cold in the early afternoon, when the sun was situated at its highest.

Yesterday night, for the first time since they parted ways, he dreamt of him. He just stood in the middle of the snow white ground, the dark raven blue strands colouring the plain white scenery as they were tied into a thin, long ponytail. He couldn't see his face, and the whole vision was blurry. He wasn't even sure if he could touch him with his bare hands. He just knew that he was there.

And from that scene onwards, the feelings, emotions and memories about him all rushed back to him instantly. He could still remember his face features before he left: that frown which was always present, his unspeakable sapphire eyes which shimmered beautifully in the night, the thin lips which made him look more appealing and hard to avoid...

Allen groaned softly, hugging his stomach which started to hurt a little. It had been ten years since he was able to let go, only to feel the pain which made him fall into a dilemma again. The silver-haired teen sat up and got off the bed, walking to the drawer of his desk. As he opened it, a photo was there, something which he cherished a lot, and no one knew about the existence of this photo, and it included that guy which was inside it. It had been months since he looked at it, when he swore that he would never take a look again.

The tightness at his chest was slowly strangling him. Allen breathed out hardly, feeling tears welling up his eyes. When was the last time he cried? He took the photo, holding it close to him. The boy slowly stepped back until he reached the wall, before he slowly slumped down onto the floor weakly.

There was simply no meaning to all of this. He chose this decision, and he was the one who rejected that warm touch on that night. There was no reason to remember such memories anymore. Yet, he just...couldn't. Allen bit his lip, and as the photo was held loosely at his hand hanging at the side, he looked down and covered his horrible face.

You are just dumb, Moyashi.

No, I wasn't! I...just forget.

No, you don't know. Just admit it.

No, I'm not, and I'm going to prove to you, ...

"...Kanda," That name slipped out of his mouth, to his slight astonishment. He had never thought of saying it. It had been three years since he said that name.

"Allen?" Allen looked up abruptly, not realising that someone was already standing at the door, and to his astonishment, Lenalee was there. His eyes widened before he covered his mouth, realising that she had heard that word he said.

"Allen, did you just say..." Allen stood up quickly and walked out of the room briskly.

"I need to go out for a breather."

"But, Allen...!" He walked past her, not intending to turn around and answer her question. His head was still downcast when he reached to the basement and strode out of the door, ignoring Alicia who was also calling out for him. As he closed the door behind him, Allen turned and leaned against the door, breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry, Lenalee." He murmured.

Allen entered the streets and soon, he was mixed together with crowds of people who were busily doing their last minute shopping for Christmas. The whole place had the Christmas decorations all over the areas, and carols could be heard everywhere. Allen slipped his hands into his coat and just walked forward aimlessly. What in the world was he doing? Was he running away from the problem? He knew he shouldn't do that to Lenalee and Alicia. They weren't supposed to be inside this complicated mess he created.

He was approached by one stranger who gave him a piece of candy cane for the Christmas season, as well as to promote their candy shop which would be opening on Christmas Eve. Allen smiled and thanked him as he received the candy, walking on. He tore open the transparent wrapper and put the candy in his mouth. It slowly melted inside, giving a slight mint taste.

He looked around the shops, seeing many souvenirs and stuffs sold at discounted prices specially for the season. The whole street was practically crowded, and people came mostly in pairs or in a family group, enjoying the atmosphere as they looked around. Somehow, he felt rather out of place. Was it because he was single? Alone? Was it weird to be single at his age?

Wait, maybe it sounds really strange. He was already nineteen. And he hadn't been on a romantic date before.

Allen turned to another street, and as he walked on, something caught his eye. He approached a particular shop, seeing the accessories displayed at the front. A shimmering silver cross necklace was hung there. His hand touched the cold panes, wanting to get a closer look at it.

"Do you want me to show you the necklace, sir?" A voice startled him as Allen turned to the saleslady standing right beside him. Allen gave an awkward smile, wondering what he should say.

"Um, I'm just looking -"

"This necklace is made from a renowned Japanese maker, and her designs are liked by many people. It makes a great present to give away to your girlfriend during Christmas, and I'm sure you will not regret it." Allen blinked at what she said, flushing slightly.

"I...don't have one." The saleslady gave an astonished look, seemed to be shocked that he did not have a girlfriend at this age. It wasn't surprising to feel this way. He knew this as well. Allen's eyes darted around awkwardly, wondering what he should do.

"I see. How about a present for someone important to you?" She asked. Allen pondered, and after several consideration, thought that giving the necklace to Lenalee wasn't a bad idea. She liked accessories, and he hadn't seen her wear any cross necklace before, though the silver cross seemed to be slightly big for her small neck.

"Okay, I would like to have that necklace."

In the end, he bought the necklace, and Allen smiled and nodded to the saleslady who thanked him politely and called him to visit her place again. He stared at the bag, wondering whether he had made the right choice. It wasn't really suitable for Lenalee, and he did not know many girls whom he could give. Allen sighed as he shook his head, staring at the package.

Allen looked around for the rest of the day, buying presents for his friends on the way. As the sky was darkening, Allen realised that he had to go home soon, or else Lenalee would be worrying for him again. The silver-haired teen walked up the slope with his hands full, squeezing past the crowd as he was going back. As he was about to turn left to enter another street, someone bumped onto him and something slipped off his hand.

"The necklace!" Allen exclaimed. As he stopped and bent down, a hand had already reached out and took the white bag, handling over to him. He blinked in slight bewilderment, before he got hold of the bag. As their hands touched, he swore he felt a slight strange sting.

"Thank you." The street was too crowded. He didn't see his face, their shoulders barely brushed against each other as they parted ways. Allen got his shopping bags and continued his way home, but he couldn't brush away that particular feeling he had when he touched that stranger's hand. That light yet familiar touch felt as if...he had lost it for a long time and it had finally returned to him.

"I'm home." Allen called out as he opened the door. Alicia ran to him, looking at the shopping bags with curiosity. Lenalee was cooking at the kitchen and turned around as she heard clicks coming from the main door.

"Where have you been, Allen?"

"Buying presents?" Allen wondered whether he should say that. Lenalee just laughed lightly. Alicia's parents came a few minutes later to pick the little girl home. She was literally wailing and whining towards him, wanting to stay a bit longer. Allen smiled and told her to visit them anytime. She sobbed softly as she blinked the watery eyes, giving them a sulking look. Allen's soft side acted, as he reached to her and kissed her forehead lightly. He looked and continued to wave as the family of three disappeared, the door closed behind them. Allen slowly stopped waving, feeling slight emptiness within.

"Allen?" Allen turned towards Lenalee and smiled, though he had no idea why he was doing that. He went to the corner where he left the shopping bags on the floor, taking them all in his hand.

This Christmas, he was going to see them again. Marie, Krory, Miranda, Chouji, General Tiedoll...everyone he knew. They still kept in touch, and promised one another that they would meet one day. It seemed that the day had come. He had many things that he wanted to share with them, and he was sure they felt this way as well. He had always wanted to show his fantastic room to them, boasting to them on how great his life was going. He wanted to spread his happiness to them, and to thank them as well, because without their support in the past, he doubted that he could go this far.

Allen slid the shopping bags at the side of his desk, switching on the heater beside his bed. He took off his brown coat and put it at the chair, before sinking onto his bed and closed his sleepy eyes for a few seconds, before opening them again. His eyes softened with slight pain.

What purpose did he have in buying that necklace? Was it to be given to Lenalee for Christmas? Was it because he fell in love at first sight and bought it out of sheer impulse? Was it because it brought him memories about something? Something...or someone?

Allen gritted his teeth as he covered his face, tears slowly streaming down. He felt so horrible, unable to face himself. He wasn't allowed to think about him, not only because he wanted to bury away the emotions which burnt so painfully inside his chest for so many nights. It wasn't only because of overcoming his emptiness. That little flame was still lit inside his heart, and as long as it still existed, he could never get out. Never.

He was in denial. He had been going round and round in circles, yet there was no answers for him to solve this puzzle. He thought he could keep those heating emotions for eternity, yet it seemed so excruciating to forget someone so important to himself. At that time, he thought that it was best to get out fast, before everything turned wrong. He was the one who walked out first, without any explanation, without any reason. And now, he wanted to get everything back?

Allen stared at the plain walls in front of him, not able to stop the tears from flowing down. He did not want to be like this, but no matter how he wanted to deny, the truth would appear cruelly in front of him one day, and after grieving, he would be left with nothing, nothing to hold onto, nothing to be comforted with. Only an empty shell remained.

There was simply no reason to remember Kanda.

Kanda might be...dead.

- Colourful Moments -

"Allen?"

He opened his eyes and groaned softly, feeling groggy all over. Allen blinked, before he saw the face of Lenalee who was looking at him. His legs moved inside the warm covers as he breathed out slowly, feeling barely good. He didn't know what had happened. He just knew that he was thinking of something that he shouldn't think of before he dozed off.

"Why are you here, Lenalee?"

"I...Allen, is something bothering you lately?" She asked, having a frown on her forehead. Allen realised that she had not made this type of depressing face for a while. The last time she showed him this expression was when he cried in his room on that night. She asked for reasons, yet he didn't give her any. It wasn't because he could not tell her, but it was just meaningless, about holding onto something which could never happened. He was so foolish all along.

"Nothing," Allen smiled, but Lenalee's frown had not disappeared. Allen just laughed softly for a few more seconds, before he turned towards the night sky, staring at the shimmering ones above.

"Then...why are the bed sheets wet?" Allen's eyes widened. His hand certainly felt something wet on the bed. The silver-haired teen stiffened instantly, not daring to look at the olive-haired girl's face. His fingers began to tremble shakily as realisation hit him hardly.

Did he just cried?

"Answer me," Lenalee was persistent, her voice turning into a demand; an order which Allen could not defy. She knew that Allen would surely succumb and confess, but to her surprise and slight astonishment, he did not say anything. Her fierce gaze was piercing through him, yet Allen did not answer.

"I don't understand! Why...why are you keeping quiet? Allen!" Lenalee stood in front of him, shooting the fiercest stare she could master. She knew something was definitely amiss. It was the same three years ago, and she thought that by waiting, Allen would tell her one day when he felt comfortable about it. She knew that she shouldn't ask too much from him. After all, she had no right to interfere, yet...she was his friend! Couldn't he rely more on her when he was suffering in pain?

She had seen everything. When she opened the door, Allen was lying on the bed, his face buried on the bed as he started to mutter something, crying softly at the same time. His hand seemed to be clutching at his chest, so she thought that something might have happened to him, but when she came closer, her eyes widened in shock.

"...Kanda..."

"Is it about Kanda?" Allen flinched at his sitting position, his eyes widened in horror. Seeing that terrified face stunned her completely. She had not heard of anything that was related to him and Kanda. During the days when they were Exorcists, their communication and relationship had gradually improved. The two of them did not talk much, and every day was the same as usual. They quarrelled over small matters, arguing endlessly, yet they could always manage to end it peacefully. And Allen would never showed this kind of face when Kanda was stated. Rather, he would be angry about it. And now...

"You...miss him?" She asked hesitantly, looking at his expression for answers. Lenalee leaned back slightly, waiting for the loud snap from him. Surprisingly enough, Allen did not rebuke at that particular question which would be certainly insulting if she asked this in the past. She blinked, wondering whether something was wrong with Allen. It was the Kanda Yu she was talking about and no one else! He should jump up and deny her statement, so why wasn't he reacting?

"Ahh, I didn't know you would miss him one day, Allen! When did this start?" Lenalee teased him, trying to ask another question to get more answers from him, yet it was the same thing she got. Allen refused to say anything, and the more he kept quiet, the more she suspected that there was something between the both of them.

"It's nothing, and I...don't miss him." She blinked at the hesitant tone in his voice. Allen got out of the bed and took his sweater, walking out of the room. As Lenalee observed his back which had somehow shrunk, her eyes widened in realisation.

"Allen, you..." Something grabbed his wrist. Allen slowed down his steps as he gradually stopped at the entrance. He did not turn back, and Lenalee opened her lips, wanting to say something, but nothing came out. She bit her lip, gripping his wrist tighter as she fought through this heavy atmosphere which was slowly suffocating her.

"You...Kanda..."

"It's enough. I don't want to hear his name again." Lenalee stopped her sentence and blinked, before looking up at him.

"But then, Allen -!"

"That bastard's existence is none of my business! I don't care whether he's alive or not." Allen yelled as he pushed off her hand and walked out of the room. Lenalee just stood there in silence, not knowing what she should say. It was as if...they went back to that night when Allen pushed her concerns away cruelly. She shook her head and breathed heavily, walking backwards as her back touched the wall. Lenalee covered her face partially, and as she gritted her teeth hardly, tears started streaming down her cold cheeks.

Allen slammed the doors of the cupboard angrily, wondering what in the world he was exactly doing. He wasn't supposed to treat Lenalee this way. He had pushed her away once, leaving her standing there, alone and in despair, and now, he was doing this to her again? The silver-haired teen punched the doors again, before he stopped, staring down at the sink. For what reason was he doing this? Was he playing tantrums, wanting to deny the fact that Kanda was not here and blame everything onto that poor girl who hadn't had the slightest idea to the problem between him and Kanda?

He was the one who stepped out of the space between the two of them. He was the one who chose to run away from the problem which had already surfaced long time ago. That incident should have been forgotten a long time ago, yet he was the one who brought it up, and caused this miserable result. Allen slowly turned around, leaning against the wall as he stared at the lights above.

It wasn't Lenalee's fault. From the very start, it had been his own wishful thinking. He was the one who was being persistent. He was the one who refused to let go of this thread which had already loosened many years ago. He was that foolish, that stupid, that...desperate to grab hold of that older teen and confess everything to him, yet that only chance was already gone. He was the one who lost it. That was his decision.

His eyes softened, as he closed them and let out a soft sigh. He thought that when he denied everything and ran away, everything would be solved. It was the matter of time which would heal all wounds. This was what he was taught and heard of, yet somehow, it did not apply the same to this situation. Wasn't three years enough? Wasn't it enough to forget that small and insignificant flame lit inside his heart?

Allen stared outside, seeing snowflakes descending from the night sky. It had started snowing again, and the process seemed to be never ending. The cold breeze sailed inside the kitchen, making the curtains fluttered roughly. His ears pricked up, realising that the small bell was jingling louder than usual. He slowly walked up to close the windows, but stopped hesitantly as a strong gust of wind blew straight at him, almost causing him to fall onto the floor. Allen braced himself as he walked forward in big and firm steps, his hands reaching out to the handles.

What a pathetic expression you are showing, Moyashi.

"Kanda..." Allen muttered to himself, his grip tightened at the handles as he closed the windows. As he gazed at the stars in the night sky, he wondered where he was.

"Stupid. And I'm back here again." He snorted, stepping into a bus stop. The cold air stung his cheeks slightly as he slapped himself lightly with his hands, staring at the night sky which stretched outwards endlessly. He realised that it was snowing. Holding his bag at his shoulder, the raven-haired man just grunted again before he stepped out and walked across the road. His lips opened slightly, as warm air was breathed out.

Snow. It really reminded him of someone.

It had been three years.

"I really hate snow."