How to survive in a horror movie
Hi! Any mistakes you found here, sorry! I´m Portuguese and I just translate this one shot from Portuguese, just to know if I could do it. Once again, sorry for any mistake you found. I hope you like it!
Travis: Hey!
Connor: Hey!
Travis: You must wonder…
Connor: …. How there´s always someone that can survive in the end of a movie
Travis: We don´t know
Connor: But we have a complete guide to survive in
Both: HORROR MOVIE!
Travis: Here some rules….
When it looks like you kill the killer, don´t check if he´s really dead
If you are a good dog, you have 50% of chance to survive. God dogs just die if they try to help their master… it´s better stay quietly in your corner
If you are a bad dog, you will die in the end of the movie
If you are a cat, hide and pray for the monsters not found you
If you find dead people walking around along the living, just kill yourself
If you find out that your house was built upon a cemetery or a church where happened crazy things like satanic rites and necrophilia or collective suicides; don´t try to understand the story, go away immediately
If your house has a basement, don´t go down, principally if there's no light
When with friends, never get out alone to get something in the fridge and say: "I´ll get back". You´ll never see your friends again
If your friends start to show weird habits like fascination (and adoration) for blood, exposed fractures, the smell of dead bodies and injuries, try to stay away from them as fast as possible
In your kitchen, never let knives and other biting objects at reach
If you´re woman, never take long baths
If you´re the one who likes work out, be careful! The tough guy is always one of the first victims, just like the first woman to strip
If the machines start working alone, move house
Don´t pick up or lend something that belonged to a dead person
If you´re running from the killer, fall at least twice
Never get in in a room without see behind the door. It´s there or in the closet that the danger is
If your children start talking in Latin or other strange language or with a deep voice that doesn´t belong to them, don´t think twice: shoot to kill. You´ll be safe from a lot of things, but is good to be ready, because kill it it´s not going to be easy
Never go visiting a cemetery after midnight and if you go, don´t stand next, in front, or behind a tomb
Never read out loud books about possession or other satanic books, even if it is a joke
If you hear a weird noise and find just a cat, run immediately. This advice will keep you alive
During the night, don´t listen recordings with violins and cellos as instrumental base
If you travel and find a city apparently deserted, get out immediately
Stay away from certain geographical localizations such as: Transylvania, Elm Street, Amityville, Woodsboro, Crystal Lake, Nil bog (God help you if you know this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any little city in Maine
In every new city, try to believe in every local myth and belief
If you have problems with your car in road, don´t go look for a phone. If you´re near an old mansion or a castle in a mountain, don´t go find shelter: stay in the car
Stay away from weird guys who been working with an hacksaw, axes, rifles, mowers, harpoons, sharp knives,… even in real life
If you are using a gun to fight the monster, find another way to protect yourself, because ammunitions always finish when the monster is close!
Don´t open a locked door if you heard strange noises on the other side
Don´t enter in a dark room
If you´re a man, get out as fast as possible, because just women survive
Never take a bath alone at home
If you´re woman, never show your breasts
Ask why are selling the house so cheap
If the phone line is dead and you´re hearing footsteps in the stairs, don´t follow the "guest". RUN IMMEDIATELY!
Never pick up the phone to call for help. Probably, the next thing you´ll see is the killer cut your head off
If you defeat the killer, pay attention to the camera, if she starts to go back without a motive, RUN!
You dog can take care of itself
Your wife too
And your children
And your mother-in-law
If you´re not the main character, the painless way is suicide
Your plan to kill the killer always have every possibility. Except the one who happened
Don´t try to be smart. It just going to help you get kill
When you knock out the killer with your gun, shoot every bullet in his head
Don´t go to summer camps
Don´t feel guilty
If you throw away something yours, like a doll and etc., and find it in your car/house, move to another country. Of course it will be there waiting for you
If you have to run away, take a bus, because the monster is in the backseat of your car. And they´ll destroy any plane or ship you take
If you´re a kid, don´t get in panic! Monsters just attack teenagers and at the most, you could be possessed, so calm down!
Remember you can buy another dog
If you´re certain that you kill the monster, shoot him in the head, burn him, eat him, vomit him and throw the vomit in the sea. And wait for the next Halloween…
If you´re running away from a monster and find a friend who asks: "What´s going on?", don´t try to explain, keep running
Whatever you do, don´t sleep
Don´t try to bring things from dreams
If you start having nightmares and if they became true, kill yourself, because you can´t cheat death…
If you and your friends begin having the same dreams/nightmares, be careful… they can became true
Don´t sleep in the bathtub
Follow every rules above