In which Eren decides to declare war and Armin is his, albeit unwilling, partner.
When asked what they wanted to do, everyone's answers were always a little different every time.
Jean wanted to live somewhere safe, then he wanted to have a safe job and earn plenty of money, then he wanted to just be somewhere, anywhere without suicidal bastards that called him horse-face and tried - Jean was convinced he did it on purpose - to get him digested and spat out like a piece of trash.
Sasha wanted to eat potatoes, then she wanted to eat meat, then she wanted to eat just about everything in the storage of the training corps (except for the hard biscuit rations because those were just gross)(Shadis didn't approve at all).
Mikasa wanted to protect Eren, feed Eren, save Eren, look after Eren, follow Eren, protect Armin (though Eren was still prioritised more), and, most recently, kill that short bastard named Levi who had hurt Eren.
However, Eren's answer was always the same. He wanted to "kill all the titans", the sentence usually accompanied with a few choice words and the ever present, endless anger. Kill all the titans, kill all the titans, kill all the titans, kill all the titans, that was just about all Eren thought about, but now he was considering changing it in favor of kill all the titans and stop their goddamn rivalry that took the form of relentless, incessant arguing and spitting death threats at each other every single day.
By "their" he meant the two Ackermans, or more specifically, Levi and Mikasa Ackerman, his superior and step-sister who were always at each others throats.
Luckily, even though they continuously yelled and argued with each other, they never actually tried to beat each other up (Erwin was especially glad for this as the budget was tight enough) (they were the the two best soldiers within the walls after all, the disaster they would cause if they actually fought each other was too horrible to imagine), pride problems and all, as both were not willing to gamble that they could beat the other and so they decided to just hiss at each other at every opportunity and, worse of all, prank each other.
But by pranking, it wasn't the funny teasing kind, but the destroying, murder-attempt kind. And for some reason, Eren always seemed to get sucked into their hurricane of anger and hatred, somehow always finding himself in the middle of the assassination attempts they called pranks. Like the time when Mikasa hid all of Levi's cleaning supplies while Eren was on cleaning duty. Or when Levi decided to dye Mikasa's scarf green (she dyed it back immediately) and Eren was sent to pick up the laundry. Mikasa then set Hanji on Levi who was hiding from said titan-loving maniac and, Eren was once again involved when, Hanji decided to drag him along just for the heck of it.
Of course, it wouldn't be all that bad if it was just some petty fight, except that this was Levi and Mikasa, Humanity's strongest and the girl who was best in her grade and equal to 100 soldiers. And both seemed to have a rather unhealthy obsession with him. Not to mention that both Levi and Mikasa were well capable of beating him up (the former had actually done it once while the latter, who wouldn't hurt him, but was waaaay too overprotective to the point it was stifling).
Which was why, Eren, finally having enough of this ridiculous rivalry declared war on both of them. Silently, of course. Because, though Eren would never admit it, there was no way he could beat them by force and he wasn't, again he would never admit, clever enough, which meant he needed help. And so operation Beat Ackermans was in action.
Operation Beat Ackermans
Step One: Recruit someone smart (at least smarter than him) - Armin
It was easier than he thought. Armin, being all brains and intelligence, figured out why he went to him without needing Eren to explain.
Of course, he tried to decline the offer politely, wanting to stay neutral, because, you know, nobody sane would want to even be on the two Ackerman's radar, much less get between their quarrels. But then again, nobody sane dreamed and yelled about wiping the titans out.
Armin knew that once Eren decided to do something, it was easier blowing up the moon than persuade him. And Eren was looking at him with those large green puppy eyes, complete with the quivering lips and hopeful expression.
No, Armin wasn't going to give in, he wasn't getting dragged into one of Eren's schemes again, he wasn't going to, he wouldn't...
The puppy eyes intensified... and... and was that droplets near his eyes? Was Eren going to start crying? Shit.
"Fine," groaned Armin, kneading his forehead for the headache that was sure to come. "you manipulative bastard. I'll help."
The hopeful expression disappeared at once, replaced with glee and excitement.
"Look who's talking," Eren shot back, "suicidal blockhead" was enough of a nickname for him, he didn't need "manipulative bastard" too, "you're the expert at manipulating."
Well, he couldn't argue with that.
Gingerly kneading his forehead, Armin gave a long suffering sigh and asked in a tone of great relutance, hoping this would be easy and over quickly. "So, where do we start?"
Step Two: Make a plan (because apparently Eren didn't have one)
"You mean you don't even have a plan?" asked Armin incredulously.
"Why do you think I need you're help?" muttered Eren, "I suck at planning, you know."
"No shit." Deadpanned Armin.
"Hey!" protested Eren, then suddenly stopped and stared at Armin.
Then stared some more. "Armin... did you... just... didyoujustswear?"
Without waiting for an answer, Eren grabbed the poor blonde by the shoulders and shook him, yelling the whole time with the familiar passion that he used when ranting about titans. "Shit! My innocent little friend has been corrupted, who taught you that word? Goddamnit, never fucking say that again, Armin. Never! Where did you hear it from? I'll kill them, how dare they corrupt you! Bloody damn idiots!"
"..."
Step Three: Commence the plan
Armin's genius plan, as it turns out is to find someone smarter than them to help, which was basically just Eren's plan but with the "I recruit someone smarter than me" changed to "We recruit someone smarter than us". But then again, Eren couldn't complain because, after all, Armin hadn't asked to be dragged into his shit so it wasn't exactly his fault he didn't have a good plan.
Which was how they ended up staring at Hanji as she cackled with barely-sane laughter and repeatedly banged her head against her head with enough force to knock off her glasses. Between her giggles she was gasping words that sounded suspiciously - Eren sincerely hoped that she was not thinking what he suspected she was - like "titan", "shorty", "suicidal" and "experiment".
After hearing the last word, both of them turned in perfect, eerie unison and high-tailed out of there before they could be forcefully dragged by her to participate (unwillingly) in - life-threatening at best - insane experiments and experience lifetime trauma (which was really saying something considering that just about everyone in the Survey Corps had some form or other of lifetime trauma, I mean, they lived in a world where large, naked beings ate smaller, thankfully clothed beings which was them - how did someone not have mental trauma living in a world like that?).
They did not want to know what Hanji was thinking.
Step Four: Commence the plan(s) (which didn't exist but Armin's a genius so let him figure it out) and inevitably fail
Eren groaned yet again, as the metal can swung harmlessly over Mikasa's head, who didn't even flinch, to smash into a nearby wall. And No.34 mastermind trap failed just like all it's predecessors. Every time they managed to set a fail-proof (or so claimed) trap - with Armin directing and Eren doing the heavy-lifting - whichever Ackerman they were aiming for simply stepped over it, dodged, ducked, jumped and an innocent item would be shattered into thousands of pieces for something it never committed.
So far, they were 0 wins and 34 losses against two people who wasn't even aware they were participating in this messed up trap war. Armin had racked his brain for every plan he had ever read about or thought might work, they had made pitfalls and swing traps and rope snares and combinations of weird mechanical devices that Eren had never seen before in his life, and still not a single of the attempts had even had a slimmer of chance at succeeding before it was accidentally (or purposely) smashed to smithereens.
No.33 was a pitfall with food on top which had, surprisingly, worked but sadly invited the wrong kind of victim. Sasha had to be immediately escorted to the medical care by Connie, happily munching on the potato. No.32 was a snare trap which Eren had ended being caught in when he sneaked after Mikasa to see if the trap had worked and forgot to look where he was going. No.31 failed because both Eren and Armin had actually forgotten how short the Corporal was, the axe had swung and hit the wall, embedding deeply into the wood, a full ten something inches above Levi's head, who simply brushed wood splinters off his shoulders and strode out, ordering Eren and Armin who were hidden (or thought they were) near the door to clean it up. The rest were no better, a succession of horrible, embarrassing failures that made the Survey Corps look like a safe, steady organisation where people totally didn't get eaten alive or died horribly.
"10:00 am, Corporal goes to check on the horses in the stable." Armin read off the list of the two Ackerman's activities he had noted down, "Eren, is the trap ready?"
And No.35 trap was ready, a bucket of water balanced carefully so that the moment the Corporal opened the door, it would topple onto his head.
It was around 9:50 something, any second now the Corporal would be heading here, any second now...
And... there, the sound of footsteps, right on time. As footsteps neared from the other side of the door, Eren darted back to hide beside Amin behind a cupboard. The footsteps stopped for a brief moment as the unsuspecting man pushed open the door. And Eren watched as the bucket slowly tilted, the water spilling out. Finally, Eren would have his revenge on them, for all the suffering they had caused him, he had succeeded! He had won, he had-
Eren was jerked out of his triumphant thoughts by Armin's frightened yell next to him "ARRGGH! C-c-commander, w-what are you doing here?"
Wait, commander?
And, lo and behold, there, with one hand on the doorknob, dripping wet from head to toe and emitting a scary aura to challenge the Corporal's, stood Erwin Smith, the Commander of the Survey Corps.
Whoops.
He was doomed. He was so doomed. He would probably be kicked out, or even worse, fed to titans. He could imagine it now, the gigantic mouth looming over him, along with the rest of the body that was attached to it, the wild eyes and-
"HAHAHAHAHA" Eren was cut off abruptly by the Commander laughing. "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Both Eren and Armin stared dumbfounded, mouths gaping, at the laughing Commander who was doubled over.
Finally, he seemed to stop laughing hard enough to choke out, "This was meant for Levi wasn't it? I heard about the pranks and Levi and your sister. Don't worry, I've taken care of that already."
"Huh?" Armin continued to stare dumbfounded next to him.
"Follow me." The commander went back the way he came, motioning for them both to follow him, "There's something you need to see."
Step Five: Pray to God or the walls or whatever deity up there that the Commander wouldn't kill them
The walk to wherever the Commander was taking them too was long and way to awkward. Eren and the Commander weren't exactly friends, he had saved him once from the military and they might have had a few encounters but nothing too friendly.
Finally, the Commander stopped in front of his office and motioned for them to enter. From inside he could here two voices arguing, cursing and spitting threats at each other. They almost sounded like.. no, it couldn't be... but then again, he hadn't seen both of them since last night.
Cautiously, he opened the door to see... yes, Levi and Mikasa arguing with each other like every day, except... they were wearing the same shirt?
Erwin closed the door behind him and Armin "It's a new idea of mine," he explained "I heard about how they've been arguing, so I've put them in the Get Along shirt. They're staying in that until they stop arguing."
It was definitely one of the strangest sights Eren had seen in his life, and he'd definitely seen plenty of those.
Levi and Mikasa were sitting on the Commander's desk, both stuck in the same white shirt that had the words "Get Along" splattered across in what seemed like red paint. They were both straining forward in opposite directions, struggling to break free of the shirt that Eren was pretty sure would break soon, the shirt was probably made with some miraculous material, judging by the fact that it hadn't torn yet.
At the same time, they were spitting insults at each other and cursing the shirt, Erwin and just about everything in the world except for Eren.
And suddenly Eren was the one who couldn't stop laughing, briefly wondering if he would die of asphyxia before the titans could kill him. He could hear Mikasa and Levi calling out to him to help them, but he was too busy laughing to care.
Step Six: Celebrate... or not
Peace was finally blessed upon the Survey Corps. Basking in the warm sunlight, Eren smiled in contentment at the cherished peace and enjoyed the sweet, valuable silence that was so rare in a world where giant beings chomped tiny beings, which was unfortunately them.
So maybe, maybe the world had finally decided to give him a well-earned break.
Letting out a sigh, he let his head fall back against the wall he was leaning against, the warm breeze of spring and the warm sunlight lulled him to sleep. Everything was so peaceful. Eren a few weeks ago would have scoffed at the peace and go pick a fight with Jean or something as he couldn't stand standing around (pun intended) doing nothing. However, after the weeks of trouble, he now came to cherish the moment of silence and calm.
But since the world seemed to hate him, of course, his tiny bubble of peace was disturbed.
Eren groaned as a foot nudged him unfriendly in the stomach, opening his eyes to find-oh shit.
Two angry, raving, absolutely furious Ackermans, complete with glowing red eyes and dark murderous auras.
Eren spent the next week cared for by the medical team, Jean laughed his ass off, Hanji took this as an opportunity to experiment on Eren without him running away and, worst of all, Mikasa and Levi started arguing again.
Nope, the world really hated him.
Please feel free to review or suggest ideas.