I paced. Back and forth, back and forth, feeling all of my sore muscles protesting as they pulled my tired bones across the decayed room.
I just gritted my teeth and kept going. Mind over matter. Mind over body. Mind over everything. I refused to stop or slow down, even for myself.
"Ray?"
My head swiveled to track the source of the sound, the voice that dared interrupt my thoughts as they cannibalized. Focusing, I saw Jer sitting in the gravel, leaning his head against the wall with eyes closed.
"What?" I snapped, as my pacing pulled me back to his side of the room. My eyes followed his form, like a predator. Back and forth I went, not stopping, not even if he might expect me to.
Well fuck him. Fuck this. Fuck fuck FUCK! I raged interiorly.
"Ray." He repeated deadpan.
"Yes! I said what!? What do you want!?" I snarled quietly at him, unwilling to wake the others sleeping huddled together for a show. Bad enough to have no privacy by necessity. I wasn't going to encourage them to gossip by staring in a drama.
Jer raised an eyebrow at me.
Why the hell had I ever thought that endearing? Fuck if I know. Probably damn hormones.
Blame for all the shit in my life could be equally distributed between hormones, zombies, and other people, and they all pissed me off to no end.
Sighing when he realized I still wasn't going to stop wearing a trail in the grit, he opened his arms.
Now it was my turn to raise an eyebrow at him.
"This here," he said gesturing to indicate the circle he'd made with his arms, "is a non-judgment zone. A peace zone. A no thinking, no analyzing, nothing but nothing zone."
Shaking my head I just kept going, eyes on my feet, clenching my fists. "Well good for you and your magic arms."
"Yeah, they're pretty cool aren't they?" came the reply, completely ignoring my sarcasm.
How the hell did he ever survive? He's too soft. To idealistic. Who even says shit like that?
I got my answer when I felt his arms wrap around me, jarring me to a stop. "What the hell?" I sputtered.
Hadn't even heard him move. So. New skill set to add to my mental list about the secretive bastard. He's quiet as a ghost and fast too. Useful combo, my inner survivalist noted.
Jer just tisked at me. "No swearing in the nothing zone."
Drilling a hole in his skull with my glare, I attempted to pull back. He was lucky my arms were pined to my sides, or I'd have smacked him upside the head for that last comment too.
Realizing that he wasn't going to let go, I started to panic. I mean, what did I really know about this guy?
I'm a loner. A rogue, a scavenger, a drifter, a thief. He's leader of this group of people for a reason. He wouldn't be leader if he couldn't make the though decisions.
Is he going to kill me?
It made sense.
Berating myself, I prepared to scream my head off. Not because I thought anyone in his group would help, of course, but because if he was going to kill me, then I was damn well going to bring every zombie within earshot and then some down on their heads. 'Cuz I'm nice and vengeful like that.
Clamping his hand over my mouth to smother any sound I might have tried to make, he whispered tersely in my ear.
"Calm down. I'm not gonna do nothing bad to ya."
I tried to bite his hand, whilst simultaneously jerking away from him, thinking his hold would weaken. It didn't.
"Ow!" he whispered furiously. "Stop it! I said I'm not gonna hurt ya. Now calm down, and I'll take my hand off your mouth. Got it?"
At my nod, he slowly peeled his hand away. I could tell he was fully prepared to silence me again.
Glaring at him, I hissed at him through my teeth. "Let. Me. Go. Right. Now!"
"No."
God, what the fuck was wrong with this guy? No one touches no one in this dead world. People were too likely to cut off your arm if you tried.
If he hadn't snuck up on me, if I hadn't let my guard down…
As if in response to anticipating more struggles, he tightened his hold before he started slowly and inexorably moving us back to the wall.
By the time he sat us down there, I'd stopped fighting.
Quietly, I just sat there in his arms, as stiff as I could make myself.
After 5 minutes of silence, I relaxed my posture somewhat.
After 10 minutes I began to time my breathing with his, counting the seconds between the inhales and the exhales.
Gradually, deliberately being obvious about it, he brought his hand up to the back of my neck and drew me forward until my head was lying on his chest, my ear pressed against his heart.
Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.
I had to admit it was… calming. Sitting there with his arms around me, feeling his warmth and his life. Not talking. Not moving. Not even thinking really.
I started a bit when he laid his cheek on the top of my head, before relaxing into our rhythm of silence and nothingness again.
I could feel my eyes growing heavy. I'd been exhausted for too long, physically, mentally and emotionally. Pushed my body too far for it not to jump on this opportunity.
I'll just close em for a sec. I lie to myself, knowing fully that I was minutes away from falling asleep.
My half slumber was interrupted by his voice.
"See? Hugs aren't so bad are they?"
I made a noncommittal sound in response to his question.
Alternating our positions so that he was looking at me while he was talking, he continued. "If you ever need to wind down, feel free to come see me, alright?" he smiled. "Besides, you're already familiar with the concept of asking for nothing."
Looking away from him, I answered in a quiet voice. "I thought there was no thinking in the nothing zone. You sound like you're analyzing this."
"Don't avoid my 'not really a question' question with your smartassness."
Jerking my head back up, I started to protest, but he interrupted me.
"I mean it Ray. You can't never relax. You'll burn yourself out, and then where will you be? If I have to make you again, I will. I'd rather do that then have you go through a meltdown."
Fuck. He's right. I hate it when he's right. And does he have to sound so reasonable about it too?
"Fine," I sighed tiredly.
Moving to pull myself out of his embrace, I was surprised when he once again refused to let go.
"Jer?" I shot him a questioning look.
When I glanced back at him, it was to find his gaze drawn somewhere inward, as if he were contemplating something new he'd found inside of himself.
Shaking his head to finally focus on my inquiring face, he merely smiled a tired sad little smile and said in an equally worn-out voice, "You take care of yourself, okay?"
Sensing… something, for once I didn't respond with my usually dry sarcasm, instead answering in the sincerest way I've probably said anything in a long long time.
"You too Jer. You too."