You watch him break down, cradling your lifeless body in his arms. With each tear, hi soul his torn into pieces and by the time the last tear falls, his soul is ripped into millions of pieces beyond repair. His screams rip into the very depth of your soul. They seem to scream in your head, even though he his merely whispering them in your dead ears. You know it's your fault; you should have killed Jake when you had the chance. But you didn't because you weren't strong enough. Or too strong to take the life of another human. He is gripping your face and willing you to wake up and tell him that you're all right. But it isn't all right. Blood is soaking you shirt from the thin, deep line in your back. There are bloodstains on his hands, your blood. And you know exactly what he's thinking: he should have gone in and gotten his own food. He should have protected you better. You don't know what to do now. So, you follow him as he puts your body in the car, brings it back to the motel, and lays it on a bed. He refuses to bury you and refuses to talk about it. Bobby tries to help, but fails miserably. He is slowly killing you all over again as you watch him break down over and over again. Now he is sitting in front of your body, just staring at it. This can't be healthy, just staring at his lifeless body. You don't know if he can move on. And you start to feel so guilty, and the guilt crushes the air from your lungs. You were dead and you didn't know if Dean would make it through. No longer could you feel the wind on your face or the tears sliding down your cheek as you watched your big brother suffer. There was no way he was going to hunt now, after this. How could he even live without you? How could you just die on him? Hasn't he done everything for you? Heaven doesn't seem so great now does it? Not when you're leaving your big brother behind. But now you have to leave your brother behind and this time, it's nearly permanent. It's not a couple years and college or a couple days to find yourself. It's a journey to a place where Dean will be some day, but not for a long time. So you will have to sit outside the gates of heaven, waiting. And someday, he will come. He will come with a big, sarcastic grin on his face. He will be so happy at finally seeing you after so many years. And you too will finally be happy. But for now, you will have to make the journey alone.