I didn't feel good. The cocaine and everything, it used to make me feel real good. Real confidant. But I felt like shit now. My stomach was in knots and it wasn't just the pre-show jitters. I got this sort of stage freight, where everything was kind of trippy and unreal, like I was breathing helium instead of oxygen. But this wasn't that.
I could hear Taking Back Sunday playing their set and I knew I was going on soon. My face in the mirror looked like shit. My eyes had the dark circles under them. I was all frantic motion, my hands and legs shaking, bouncing up and down. I tried to remember when I last took my meds, and I couldn't remember. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was the fucking bipolar, and I was gonna get all manic again. Crazy. Maybe it was because I hadn't eaten in awhile. Coke was a stimulant and an appetite suppressant. My stomach was twisting. I felt almost dizzy. What was wrong with me?
Ellie came in, I saw her in the mirror. Shit, I was supposed to go to her group today and I blew it off. But I was fucking high and too out of it to go. It wasn't like high school anymore. But she was pissed.
"Ellie, about group. Uh, something came up," What a lame Brady Bunch excuse, and of course she wasn't buying it. She started digging through my stuff, going through the pockets of my jacket, and I knew what she was doing. She was looking for drugs, and they were there. I got so mad, that little bitch.
"Hey!" I said, getting up, trying to stop her, wanting and needing to stop her. But she found it, my little baggie of gold. She held it up between two fingers and glared at me.
"If you don't stop now I'm going to call Joey and all this will end, the touring, the music career, all of it," she said, and she was serious. I felt this helpless anger at her. That anger was hard to take around my nervous energy and twisting stomach. My heart beating a thousand beats a minute.
"Why would you do that to me?" I said, hating the pleading in my voice. Pathetic drug addict, I thought at myself.
"Because, you know why," she said.
"Because why?" I demanded, wanting the drugs she held in her hand, wanting this shitty feeling to go away, wanting to be in control of things again. Taking Back Sunday's set was wrapping up and it would be my turn to go on, and I felt the nerves from that. Anger at Ellie, thoughts starting to race. Just give me my fucking drugs.
"You know why, Craig, so don't make me say it," Oh how much did I hate myself? Ellie had always been a friend, but I knew she wanted more. I knew she was all flirty with me and I led her on, because that's how I was. I liked it, sometimes. Liked her flirting and feeling all her attention lavished on me. Sometimes I didn't like it, sometimes it was too much. That summer we hung out all the time, and I could feel her willing me to kiss her and I never did. I had been toying with her, knowing I could kiss her or even sleep with her anytime I wanted. So I used that.
I came toward her, the look all changed in my eyes. The anger and frustration was still there but it was covered by my cunning, pretending to be as love sick with her as she was with me.
"I love you, Ellie," I said, and kissed her, finally. Felt her soft tongue against mine, her head tilted toward mine, her mouth opening eagerly.
"I love you, too," she said, her smile breaking my heart. Shit. I knew I screwed up, fucked up the friendship. But how cunning could you be when you're on drugs and manic and just so basically screwed up you can't think straight?
"So don't tell Joey, I need it, so don't tell him. Don't make me stop,"
She pulled away from me, the hurt puzzlement filling her eyes like water, rising up in them until everything else was drowned. Poor Ellie. I hadn't meant to hurt her like this. But I hurt everyone. It's just how I was.