"Welcome, one and all to The First Annual Rachel Berry Tony Night Tribute Gala!" Rachel chirps as Blaine, Kurt and Finn descend down her basement staircase.
"Rachel," Blaine points out. "We're the only ones here."
"Yes, and I have to say, given what happened the last party, I must admit I'm surprised you guys came. But yay! You're here! I have virgin margaritas to play Broadway dot com's Tony Awards drinking game and everyone, help yourselves to the homemade vegan snacks!"
"Rachel?" Kurt asks. "Virgin margaritas for a drinking game? You do realize that the worse we'll all get is a sugar rush, right?"
"I've learned my lesson after the alcohol debacle, and besides, my dads put all the liquor in a locked cabinet after last time," Rachel explains. "Make yourselves comfortable! It's about to start!"
"I don't even know why I'm excited," Kurt says. "The real surprise this awards show will be to see how many times the sound gets cut off."
"So wait, this isn't about people named Tony?" Finn asks.
"No, Finn. It's about honoring the year's best Broadway plays and musicals," Kurt says, patting him on the shoulder. "Except Spider-Man."
"Wait," Finn says, thoroughly lost. "Spider-Man's a musical? Since when?"
"Bono and The Edge wrote it and backed it," Blaine supplied. But it's technically still in preview, so, it's not even really eligible to win anything. Oh, hey, looks like 60 Minutes is finally over. Is Andy Rooney even still alive?"
"I don't care. I stopped paying attention after the Collin Firth part," Rachel said. "But where IS everybody else? I sent out invitations weeks ago!"
"Rachel, here's a hosting tip," Kurt said. "Next time you want people to actually come, hide any and all Facebook posts from your dads involving Tony Night Excitement. Because yeah, Blaine and I are pretty much the only two who actually give a flying…ooooh! Neil Patrick Harris! I am shutting up now."
Kurt takes a spot in the center of the couch in front of the television set. Blaine settles down beside him,
"Wait, why is the dude from How I Met Your Mother hosting?" Finn asks.
"Neil Patrick Harris is a veteran Broadway actor," Rachel informs him, eyes glued to the television screen.
"Wait...we NEVER lip-synch in Glee!" Rachel said. "Lip-synching is for Smash."
"Didn't even know the guy could sing…oh wait, he did do that Doctor Horrible thing on YouTube, right?"
"SHUT UP, FINN!" Rachel and Kurt chorus.
"Wait, Brooke Shields is in this? She's hot," Finn comments. Rachel swats him. "Not as…hot as… you of course," he amends. "And SERIOUSLY? Angela Lansbury is still alive?"
"Finn," Kurt snaps. "Angela Lansbury has to live forever. She just HAS TO!"
"Stewardesses…" Finn mumbled. "They're hot." Rachel and Kurt swat him at the same time.
"Bobby Canavali is surprising no-one with dropping the F-bomb in the opening number," Rachel says, and Kurt clinks his plastic margarita glass with him.
"Oh please, Rachel," Kurt says. "He's setting the mood for an evening where The Book of Mormon will probably sweep. Oh, Ellen Barkin! That hair is flawless!"
"Nice decision using Robert Morse and Matthew Broderick to introduce the How to Succeed in Business number," Blaine butts in. "Nice nod to theater history. Those were the guys in the original production of the show," he adds for Finn's benefit.
"Dude…it's Harry freaking Potter!" Finn exclaims. "Dancing his ass off! That is awesome! And isn't that the dude who played Dan on Night Court?"
"Good, Finn, you finally got one!" Kurt says, patting him on the back. "Oooh, Viola Davis, way to rock that dress."
"HA! 'You better not be watching the Maverick's game!'" Blaine says with a laugh. "That's awesome."
"By the way, it's 32 to 27 Mav's in the first quarter," Finn tells Blaine after pocketing his cell phone. Blaine high-fives him.
Rachel and Kurt just glare at Blaine and Finn respectively.
"Ohhhh my GOD!" Rachel squeels. "NORBERT LEO BUTZ!"
"Dude! Who names a kid that, seriously? That's like…asking to be kicked on the playground."
"Norbert is a perfect example of someone born to be on Broadway," Kurt informs his stepbrother. "He wouldn't have a shot on the big screen."
"Or the small screen," Rachel points out.
"No kidding!" Finn says. "He's so short." Then he looks over at Blaine. "Sorry man. No offense."
"None taken."
"But on stage? He's like this god," Rachel says. "He owns the stage and it totally doesn't matter that he's not the best singer or the best dancer or the best looking…you just can't help but watch when he's on stage like that."
"Oh, sound cutting out!" Rachel interrupts. "Everyone drink!"
"So, why's everyone making all those jokes about Spider-Man?" Finn asks.
"The show's gotten panned in the theater community because one of the actors was injured in a stunt during the pre-screening.," Blaine supplies. "Julie Taymor…"
"Who did The Lion King stage production and Across the Universe," Kurt interjects.
"Right…that…her reputation's going to have a hard time recovering because of the faulty stunt equipment."
"And oh my GOD!" Kurt interrupts. "Trey Parker…I wonder if you confused any aircrafts that may have been outside, because I'm pretty sure that shirt could be spotted from space."
"Dude, you wear WAY more sparkly stuff than that!" Finn objects.
Kurt just glares.
"That horse looks awesome!" Finn declares. "I kinda want to see that."
"I'm feeling the burn just WATCHING the cast from Scottsboro Boys doing those squat-bounces for all those bars," Blaine says. "Those guys must be in amazing shape."
"Harry Connick, Jr.!" Rachel squealed.
"Patti LuPone! Kurt exclaims.
"Oh, hey, we met her!" Finn mentions.
"I know, Finn," Kurt says with a sigh. "Rachel only told us a bazillion times on the flight back. You were at Sardi's and you saw her sitting there…"
"Yeah, but did Rachel tell you that you were the reason she got the nerve to say hello in the first place?"
Kurt shoots Finn a questioning look. "Really?"
"I knew you'd kill me if I didn't at least say hello," Rachel says, squeezing Kurt's hand. "She's just so amazing. You know she was in show-choir when she was younger?"
"Oh my GOD! Nikki M. James!" Kurt squeals.
"I love that the Tony Producers are just going with it and letting her give that speech! What was it that about honeybees?"
"Blaine, look! She really didn't think she was going to win! She's so adorable!"
"I mean, who thinks you're going to win when you're up against a legend like Patti Lupone?" Rachel said.
"AAAAW! Honeybees!" Rachel and Kurt say in unison. "Who fly because no one told them they can't!"
"Wait," Finn says. "Why's Wolverine on the sage with Barney?"
"Oh. My. God!" Rachel squeals. "It's a Neil Patrick Harris and Hugh Jackman Host-Off! Ok, I'm just going to throw it out there…I'd have a hard time choosing between the two."
"Oh, that's easy," Kurt says. "Hugh Jackman."
"No way!" Blaine says. "Neil Patrick Harris!"
"Nobody can work a sequin jumpsuit like Hugh, and still manage to look manly," Kurt argues.
"Two words for you, Kurt," Blaine says. "Colin. Firth. Your argument is invalid. And oh, I've got two more words for you! Doogie. Howser. Coolest hospital doctor EVER. He was rocking the tennis shoes and the hospital gear before iHouse/i was even a gleam in David Shore's eyes."
"You just liked him because he was short."
"I've got two more words for you, Kurt. But I'm going to be nice and keep them to myself."
"That still doesn't tell me why Wolverine is singing with Barney. I didn't even know Wolverine could sing."
"He won Best Actor in 2003," Blaine says. "You know, Finn, now that you mention it, Barney on How I Met Your Mother and Bobby from Company really are kind of the same character."
"Oh, Stephen Colbert and Neil Patrick Harris doing Company needs to be a real show! It would be amazing!" Rachel squeals.
"Aw man, Harry Potter didn't win," Finn whines.
"It's not Harry Potter, Finn," Kurt points out. "It's How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying."
"Whatever. I mean, that Sutton chick was awesome and all, but seriously…she didn't look like she was working nearly as hard as he was."
"Sutton Foster is flawless," Rachel said.
"And let's face it," Blaine says, "most people feel that Daniel Radcliffe was snubbed for his role, as well as Equus…"
"He was nude in that one," Kurt points out.
"Ew," Finn says.
"But anyway, Tony Awards are already notorious for giving nods to famous people outside of Broadway Circles. A lot of people thought Katherine Zeta-Jones won last year for that reason."
"Wait…why is Frances McDormand wearing a denim jacket?" Finn asks.
"Apparently someone forgot to tell her that it was not necessary to dress in-character," Kurt says. "And Whoopi Goldberg looks like she's forgotten her broomstick,"
"It's just like the movie!" Finn says as Raise your Voice finishes.
"Sutton is so awesome! I mean who thanks her dresser?" Kurt gushes.
"What is that dude from Letterman doing there?" Finn asks.
"Shhhh!" Rachel and Kurt hiss.
"Dude!" Finn says as It's Raining Men starts. "I had no idea that song was from a show!" Finn exclaims.
"Oh, apparently the Mav's won," Blaine says. "Pay up Finn!"
"Before you ask…" Kurt says, "no, I don't know why Chris Rock is on Finn, but apparently you've seen more musicals than he has."
" 'It's like taking a hooker to dinner!'" Finn snorts. "I have no idea what the Book of Mormon is except it's winning all these awards and even I know this one."
"Well, that comes as absolutely no surprise," Rachel said when Book of Mormon is announced.
"He thanked Joseph Smith!" Blaine said at the end of Trey Parker's acceptance speech. "That's awesome! He's the founder of the Mormon faith, Finn," Blaine supplies.
"That's going to be you one day," Blaine says. "You're going to be the lead in the show that's the toast of Broadway. You'll be up there, giving an acceptance speech."
Kurt's got this barely-there smile on his face and his breath hitches a little and his eyes start to water and Finn and Rachel start to look a little uncomfortable.
"And I'll be thanking you first in my acceptance speech," Kurt says with a grin.
"This is what it's going to be like in New York next year, isn't it, Rachel?" Finn asks.
"Pretty much," Rachel says. "Hand me the remote, Finn. Platinum Hit is on."