WARNING: Possible triggers for depression.

#44 - Depression Relapse

It burns.

The heat pierces through her skin, setting every nerve alight with pain.

She welcomes it, wishes it would penetrate deeper; into her bones, into her heart, into her soul. The darkness has returned and, with it, that aching numbness. She knows it all too well, as if they are old friends.

She sinks deeper into the hot water, hidden beneath lavender-scented bubbles, and focuses on the searing pain that, for the moment, has overshadowed that numb feeling, that chasm of emptiness where it is so easy to lose herself.

They'd had a bad case today and it had inadvertently reawakened the beast within.

That sliver of darkness that had managed to embed itself into her soul; a fragmented leftover from her days of abuse, neglect, addiction, and more recently, the despair created by Nadia's death.

She'd fought so hard to push back that darkness, but a part of it still remained and now, it was growing.

Weak from bone-deep fatigue, there was no fight left in her. She was slowly sinking in that stinking mire, losing herself to the abyss. Everything that she'd overcome, rebuilt, made new; all of it was disappearing and she found herself out of breath.

Drowning.

.

.

.

Suddenly, there was a familiar face in front of her; an ocean staring back at her; a lighthouse in the tumultuous storm, giving her hope of salvation. Jay is kneeling beside the bathtub, his brow knitted into an uneasy frown. Erin gazes beyond him and sees the bathroom door wide open, hanging precariously on its hinges.

"Erin. Hey...are you okay?"

She returns her gaze to his and finds him studying her intently. He caresses her cheek, feels the heat radiating from her skin, and his frown deepens. Staring suspiciously at the water, he runs a hand through it and immediately recoils, his hand throbbing from the scalding temperature.

Alarmed, he hooks an arm under her knees and another under her shoulders, quickly lifting her out of the tub. He pulls her into his lap and gathers her to him, her head resting on his shoulder.

Concern mars his features when he sees how red her skin has become from its cruel torment.

"Erin." He coaxes gently.

Her glazed eyes barely glance at him and he pulls her closer, wrapping his arms around her naked form, "Babe."

The endearment is spoken so softly, so lovingly, and with so much desperation, that it loosens the tendrils of darkness latched onto her heart. She feels the steady pulse of Jay's heart and the tenderness of his embrace.

She feels a spark flare up inside of her, pushing the beast back into its cage.

She falls against him, the entirety of her weight resting against his chest. Her hands clutch desperately at his shirt, nails digging into his back, as a stifled sob tears itself from her throat.

"I'm here." He whispers, placing a chaste kiss on her temple. "I've got you."

Tears spill from her eyes and her chest heaves with large, uncontrollable sobs, interspersed with murmurs of "I'm sorry". In response, he holds her tighter, his heart aching for her, "Hey, it's okay. Just breathe."

If you suffer from depression, please seek immediate help and treatment. If you don't know how or aren't ready, start small: tell someone you trust (preferably an adult) that you are depressed so that they can help you.

You are beautiful and worthy of living this life and there ARE people out there who care about/love you.

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LINE (US): 1-800-273-TALK
or (any nationality/country) visit 'Suicide . org' (no spaces between words and the dot; also, no single quotations: ' ' )