It was a normal winter day in Edo and (just like in Ohio) the ground was covered in snow. Our story begins outside Shinsemgumi headquarters where Toshiro Hijikata sat out on the porch happily smoking a cigarette and daydreaming about mayonnaise and all its wonders. He was completely unaware to the fact that a certain someone was targeting him with a large lethal weapon and that that certain someone had the intent to kill.

Sougo Okita was right around the corner aiming the large bazooka at Hijikata's over sized head. Now his dreams might have just been accomplished if he wasn't interrupted by something. And that something was the annoying cheeping birds that resided in the bird's nest in a large tree. The annoying, cheeping baby birds were just learning to fly while their annoying cheeping mother rooted them on. Now Okita, being the sadist that he was, could not let this "happiness" and "beauty" go unattended. He reaimed his bazooka to face the birds and grinned evilly.

Hijikata let out a puff of smoke and sighed as he quickly wiped a nose bleed away which he got from imaging a naked woman made completely out of mayonnaise. Suddenly, a large bullet whizzed by his head, and into a nearby bird's nest, killing its contents.

Hijikata quickly whipped his head to where the bullet had been fired.

"Score!" Okita said, in an almost monotone voice.

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "That could have hit me!"

"Nah," Okita responded, "I not that lucky Hijikata-san."

"Why did you have to come and ruin my happy time?!"

"Well it's not (sarcasm) like I was trying to kill you or anything…"

"Then why the hell are you here?!"

"I just wanted to show you the snow creation that I made last night."

"And why in hell would I want to see that?!"

"…"

"Well?!" Hijikata demanded

"…It's made out of mayonnaise," Okita explained.

Okita need say no more. Hijikata was at his side in a instant, "Well what are you waiting for?!"

Hijikata followed Okita to the front of headcounters where Okita had built his "snow creation".

"Well, hoe do you like it?" Okita asked.

Hijikata sweat-dropped. Okita's "snow creation" was a large sadist circle with roman pillars around the outside. In the middle of the circle there was a life-sized, life-like statue of Hijikata being pinned to the ground by a very evil looking Okita who had horns and was wielding an icicle as a weapon. (And it wasn't made of mayonnaise either.)

"It sucks," Hijikata responded. He then tried to grab Okita by his hair but realized that Okita was long gone. When he looked around for him he saw Okita far away surrounded by a bunch of bulletproof glass.

"You jerk! It took me all night to make that!" Okita complained, pressing a very ominous red button.

"Oh crap!" Hijikata exclaimed as he tried to run away form the about-to-explode "snow creation", but it was too late and the flaming smoke soon engulfed Hijikata.

Okita then smiled much like Light off of Death Note did when L finally dies, "Buhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Now the position of vice commander will finally be…"

But Okita was interrupted mid-sentence by a sword being swung at his head. Now Okita, being Okita, easily dodged the sword.

"You damn brat," Hijikata glared.

"Oi. Hijikata-san. You're dead. No moving allowed."

Hijikata smirked, "I had a feeling you might do something like this today, so I came prepared wearing my… BOMB ABSORBING SPEEDOS!!!!"

Hijikata then ripped off his pants to revel the shiny and sparkly golden bomb absorbing Speedos.

"Oi Hijikata-san!" Okita exclaimed, "That isn't something that you should be showing minors, or be proud of! Put some pants on! You're going to catch a cold!"

"And why would you care?"

"If you catch a cold then Kondo will ban me from your room and then I will have less chances to kill you." Okita explained.

"If you're so worried about colds that why are you wearing a short-sleeved shirt? And why does it say Anarchist? You're an officer of the government!"

"It doesn't say Anarchist!" Okita responded, "It says Hamarchist! Gosh! Get a pair of glasses!"

"What's a Hamarchist?"

"It's a person who wants freedom for ham a.k.a. bacon. It's also a person who wants that damn vegetarian Yamazaki to stop lecturing him on his grease fat cholesterol intake, and how it's bad for his heart."

"So let me get this straight…"

"No, you can only get it gay."

"…"

"Just kidding, go ahead."

"Anyway… You were up all night making some demonic snow creation in –11 degree weather, in short-sleeved shirt that supports the freedom of pig ass?!"

"Yes, Sherlock."

"And you think I'm going to get a cold?!"

"Don't worry. I ate nice warm bacon throughout the night. Anyway, sadists don't get colds."

"I thought it was stupid people."

There was an awkward silence in which the two stared at each other and somewhere in the world a gay baby was born.

"So… Can I punch you?" Hijikata asked.

"No," Okita responded.

"Please, it won't hurt."

"No."

Hijikata leaped at Okita but Okita dodged and ran away.

"Get back here damn brat!" Hijikata yelled, chasing after Okita.

"N-," Okita turned a corner and crashed into Kondo.

"Ah, there you are Toshi and Sougo," Kondo said as Hijikata ran into Okita (Yay Dominos!).

"What do you want?" Hijikata asked as he wiped the nosebleed he got when he ran into Okita.

"Oi, Hijikata-san!" Okita exclaimed, also wiping a bloody nose "I know that I'm good looking, but it's illegal to get horny off of my boyish, under-aged body. You're under arrest!"

"Oi! You have a nosebleed to!"

"It's not illegal for me to get horny off a over-aged manlike body."

Hijikata blushed.

"Don't give yourself so much so much credit," Okita responded, "I was talking about Kondo."

"You damn bra-,"

"Ahem!" Kondo exclaimed, interrupting Hijikata.

Okita tried to hold back laughter, but couldn't help bursting out laughing.

"What are you laughing about?" Kondo asked.

"You stopped Hijikata-san at bra. I'm a damn bra!" Okita laughed.

Hijikata and Kondo sweat-dropped.

"Anyway," Kondo drawled, "I was just coming to remind Sougo that he had patrol duty… right now…" Okita didn't budge. "That means get a move on!"

"Do I get to drive?" Okita asked.

"No."

"Damn Kondom," Okita muttered.
"What did you call me?!"

"I didn't say anything."

"…Really?"

"Yep." Okita responded to the obvious lie, "…Achoo!"

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "What was that sneeze for?!"

Okita looked surprised about the sneeze at first until he finally said, "I must be allergic to Hijikata-san. Let's get rid of him!"

"Damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, trying, and not succeeding, to punch Okita in the head.

Kondo was getting quite tired of this and preceded to grab Okita by the collar and drag him to the patrol car.

"Kondo-san," Okita complained, "This is sexual harassment."

Kondo ignored the comment and threw Okita into the passenger seat.

"Hello Captain Okita," Yamazaki said from the driver's seat, "I guess we're together."

Okita's eyes budged as horror music and bloody images went off in his head, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But his screams were soon muffled by Kondo shutting the door, "Good luck!"

Hijikata snickered, "I guess sadists really do catch colds."

Kondo stared at him blankly, "Why do you say that?"

"I was trying to end this segment with something cool! And you ruined it!"

"…The segment doesn't end for another 2 seconds."

"Ah."