Green Pastures

Katie's hippo was jerking wildly, gathering up all the marbles. Bobby didn't prefer this kind of game, but it was Katie's choice, and she was in an aggressive mood. They finished, and it was obvious that she'd won.

"I beat you, I beat you, Daddy!" She squealed happily, and did a victory dance around the coffee table.

He smiled at her ebullience. "Yeah, you got me this time, sweetheart!" He reached for the box. "Let's get this put away. Your Mom will be coming home soon."

He held the box while she slipped the game inside, and then she put the lid on it. His phone rang, and he picked it up. "Goren."

Katie picked up on his stress level right away. She stood very still and watched as his face paled. She watched as he turned and went into the kitchen lowering his voice to a murmur.

When he returned, his face was drawn with worry. "Katie, honey, I need you to get your shoes on."

"Why, Daddy?"

"Y-you're going to Uncle Mike's."

He felt like he was in a fog. When he'd had Katie with him, at least he felt like things were real. He knew she was real. Now, alone, in the waiting room, everything seemed like a bad dream. He paced and tried to remember the last thing he'd said to his wife this morning.

Things hadn't been so terrific lately. In their time together, he'd been very self-absorbed, trying to keep his mind occupied. There was only so much of children's literature and educational tv and simple games that a person could stand, after all.

Alex, four months a Captain, had been working longer hours, and he'd been taking up the slack with their daughter. He loved his girls, both of them, but after work he spent most of his time meeting Katie's needs, and when Alex got home needing him too, he just didn't have any more to give.

He'd been locking himself away in the study.

This morning… he couldn't even remember this morning. She'd come back from her run… she hadn't been her usual self. Why hadn't he seen it?

Bobby closed his eyes and rubbed them, silently berating himself.

She'd poured her coffee and said something about school starting in a couple of weeks. He'd snapped at her about that. He knew when school was starting. And Alex… there'd been a look of pain on her face, and he'd thought it was from his behavior. And he'd been happy that he'd made his point.

Again, he rubbed his eyes and tried to pace away the nauseous feeling in his gut.

She'd kissed him on the cheek and gone out. That was it. No sweet words, not even a "see you later." And he hadn't said a word to her, not even "have a good day."

Bobby's cell rang. It was Carolyn. "Hi," he said, his voice like gravel.

"Any word?" Carolyn asked.

"She's in surgery. She's still in surgery."

She paused a moment, probably unsure the right thing to say. "Uh, Katie wanted to say good night."

"Okay."

"Hi Daddy!"

"Hi, Sweetie."

"Is Mommy okay?"

"The doctors… are helping her, honey."

"Can I talk to her?"

"Not yet. She's… uhm… she's asleep right now, Katie."

"Oh. Okay. Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

It took everything in him not to cry. "I love you too, Baby," he whispered.

"Aunt Carolyn says I get to sleep over!"

"That's right," he said, regaining his composure. "You get to sleep over with Andy."

"Night-night, Daddy. Kiss Mommy for me."

"I will, Baby. Night-night." He almost forgot, and called to her urgently, "Katie?!"

"Yes, Daddy."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. Night-night."

He heard the phone shift hands, and then Carolyn's soft voice. "You okay?" she asked him.

"No."

"Bobby, if you need anything, if there's anything else we can do, just call. No matter the time."

"I know. I will. Thanks." He hung up the phone and sat down wearily.

She'd come through the surgery and was lying quite still in the bed, sleeping off the rest of the anesthesia. Infection was the fear, now. They always tried to catch appendicitis early; a rupture created a whole host of problems. For a split second he was angry with her. Why hadn't she told him she was in pain?! Stubbornness. Alex and her damn stubbornness.

As quickly as the anger came, it was replaced by guilt. For all he knew, she had tried to tell him, and he was too wrapped up in himself to listen.

"I'm sorry, Alex," he whispered for the eleventh time, and smoothed back her hair with his hand.

Her waking should have made him happy, but the glimmer of love in her eyes only served to amplify his guilt. She didn't even try to talk to him; she must have felt terrible. Instead, she looked intently at him and squeezed his hand until she fell asleep again.

Bobby kept one hand in hers and held the other over his mouth. Was it possible she hadn't noticed what an ass he'd been?

A knock at the door drew his attention. It was Liz, Alex's sister. She came in, smiled an encouraging smile, and gave him a hug. "She looks good, doesn't she?" Liz asked.

Good? To Bobby, Alex looked… fragile.

Liz continued prodding him. "The doctors said the surgery went well?"

"They're worried about infection," he said quietly, though he found himself nodding in answer to her question.

"She'll be fine, Bobby. She's tough. She's a fighter."

He looked at her in confusion. How could she be so positive at a time like this?

She touched her hand to his cheek. "Why don't you go for a walk… maybe call Katie? I'll sit here with Alex."

Indecision reigned for a moment, and he shuffled his weight from one foot to the other. "Uh… yeah… okay…" he leaned over and kissed her forehead, whispering "I love you," for only her to hear. Then he walked out of the room, his steps unsure and his shoulders drooping.

After a stop in the men's room, he found himself at a cafeteria table, staring at a Styrofoam cup full of oatmeal. He'd eaten a few bites before he realized it had no taste whatsoever. Bobby shoved it away and wrapped his hands around his coffee.

The coffee had that faint brown sugar taste that was a sure sign it had been overcooked. His expression soured, but he took another drink. He wondered how Liz had managed to break away, to make time for her sister.

Alex's father had been declining fast. They'd moved him to a nursing home a few weeks ago, but the family still felt obliged to spend a lot of time with him as he made the transition. He and Alex had gone just last Sunday with Katie, and the old man had been grumpy and depressed. Katie had drawn a smile from him, the only one of the day.

And Liz's son was in driver's ed now. He, in asserting his independence, was demanding more time of his parents than he knew. They had to watch him like a hawk. Nathan was so impulsive. Without their constant vigil, covert though it was, he'd be out the window on a joyride with his friends in a minute.

Alex needed her, and so she was here. He felt more affection for Liz right now than he ever had. Her words replayed in his mind. Maybe call Katie? Yes. Thank you, Liz, I'll do just that.

"Hi, Baby."

"Hi Daddy! How's Mommy?"

"She's very sick, honey. The doctors did an operation, and she's resting now."

"Is she going to throw up?"

He smiled. "I don't think so."

"Can I talk to her?"

"Not yet, Sweetie. She's still sleeping a lot."

"Will you give her a kiss and a hug from me?" He heard a voice behind her. "And from Andy, too? He loves Momma, too."

"I will. You tell Andy I will."

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Baby?"

"I'm hugging the phone right now, cuz I can't hug you."

He smiled in spite of himself. "Thank you, Darlin'. I'm hugging you back."

"Will you come have dinner with us tonight?"

"N-no. I'm going to stay with Mommy."

"Okay, Daddy."

The nurses had been taking as much care of Bobby as of his wife. "You really should go home, get some rest. We'll take good care of her," nurse Sheila said.

He rubbed his eyes, yawned. "I know, but…"

"Mr. Goren. If you don't rest, you're going to end up in the hospital yourself. And then how will you help her? Or that little girl you're always talking about?"

He rubbed his eyes again, and knew he would do as she said. It was easier, being told what to do. Decisions were impossible to make.

"Do you need to call somebody for a ride?"

"No. I'll take the subway. It's just a straight shot."

"We'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Goren. You can call the desk if you want to check on her."

"Uh… okay." He told Alex he loved her and gave her a kiss and walked out the door.

The apartment was hollow, and cold. He was surrounded by the life they'd shared together, but there was no comfort there. Alex and Katie were his only comfort, the only life to be found in this place. Without them, it was nothing more than a box… storage for lifeless things.

His thoughts swirled, but exhaustion finally won out and he slept until morning. He was awakened by the phone. Goren," he said without checking the display.

"Bobby, how ya doing?" It was Logan.

He sat up and tried to wipe the sleep from his eyes. "I… uh… I just woke up."

"Good, you got some sleep."

"I… the nurse told me to come home."

"You're at your place? Good."

"I should, uh… I should get back over there."

"Take some time, Bobby. Take a shower first. I'll bring Katie over. She could use a good dose of her Daddy right now."

"N-no, Mike. I… I don't think I'm up for that."

"Bobby…"

"I'll just talk to her on the phone. I really want to get back to Alex."

"Right. You got it. Whatever you say, Buddy." He called for Katie, who scampered to the phone.

"Hi Daddy!"

"Hi."

"Uncle Mike's gonna take us to the jumpy-place!"

"Oh he is? That sounds like a lot of fun."

"And Andy's gonna show me how he does a flip in the big one."

"You be careful," Bobby warned. "Andy's kind of a daredevil, you know."

"What's that?"

"Uh… someone who likes to… to do dangerous things."

"Like you?"

"Me? No! Why would you think I'm a daredevil?"

"You told me your job's dangerous."

"That's different."

"But you like to do your job."

"Yes, I do. Honey, can we talk about it later? I love you. Have fun with Uncle Mike."

"I will, Daddy. Kiss Mommy for me!"

"Okay, Baby."

Mike got back on the phone. "What was all that about?"

"The word daredevil. And no, I don't think I can explain it to you, either, Logan."

Mike grinned. Bobby sounded more like himself. "We'll call you later. Give our love to Alex."

"Yeah, I will."