She's like Lilly, in the way that she breaks hearts. Except they break them in completely different ways. Lily broke hearts because she could. She was sexy and seductive and she knew it. Everyone loved her, because she was royalty. She was that girl that all the girls envy and all the guys want. She was an animal, the wild party girl. She tried to make Veronica like her, and in a way she succeeded. But Veronica doesn't mean to break hearts. She'd just so tainted and jaded that she unconsciously eradicates her own relationships. She doesn't trust easy, but she has every reason to be like that. So many have betrayed her – Duncan, Logan, her mother, Troy, me, the list continues. She tries to believe in people but she has seen so much crap, experienced so much pain, and had her heart broken so many times that she instinctively sees the worst in people. For every heart she breaks, she's been hurt a hundred times worse. And more often than not, her heart is broken again.
I don't see how every day she carries on. She's been raped, trapped in a fridge that was set on fire, drugged countless times, seen her best friend dead, found out her ex might be her brother, been beaten, shot at, betrayed, ignored, teased, had her heart broken so many times; but still she carries on. She hit the bottom when Lily died, she lost her friends, her family, her house, her virginity, her innocence everything, but she remained loyal to her father, no matter the cost. She rebuilt her life. She put up huge walls around herself. She forgot all about trust, and learnt how to carry on. She's not that same girl anymore, and sometimes I can't even see the resemblance between the two Veronicas's. But then I'll see her at the station with Weevil or another tough friend. And although only new Veronica would hang with guys like that, I see old Veronica in her eyes. She trusts, she smiles, even laughs. That's the Veronica I was once friends with.
Her friends aren't cool, but they're true. Wallace – witty, smart, at first look he seems a bit weak, a little like a nerd; but he's tough. Mac – intelligent, a bit timid, and pretty random. Weevil – PCH biker leader, he's strong, has a criminal record, and would gladly beat someone for nothing. Logan – 09er, rich, stuck-up, troubled. The one thing that brings them all together is Veronica. All different groups, different upbringing, different types of lives, but they've al got something in common now. They'd all do anything for Veronica Mars. I heard once a saying that went 'Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.' Veronica's found those people who care enough, to break the walls down, to help, and to do anything for her. I was once like that. But just like Veronica, things change.
I used to watch from my office when she came to visit Deputy Leo. She'd bring him food and they'd just sit and talk, laughing – probably at my incompetence. She'd smile at him and I watched as she trusted him, she didn't run when he began to climb those walls around her. They'd sit content in each others presence, happy, because they both knew time is precious and life is short. They know happiness is rare. I remember when I was in Deputy Leos place. She'd come visit me. Sometimes she came just to see me, others I was a stop off before seeing her Dad. Either way, we used to sit happily together. We'd laugh, and chat, and throw the stupid little basketball around. Sometimes I'd sit filling out paperwork as she sat next to me doing homework, I was there whenever she needed any help, anything.
I watch as she goes through guy after guy, breaking their hearts as well as her own, and leaving her personal trail of anguish. Her eyes dim, her smile fades, and she becomes a little more polluted with every slice into her heart. I wonder why she always falls for the bad guys. She falls for those who end up hurting her. And I think I'm beginning to understand a little bit. The good guys never turn out as good as they once seemed. She's spent years tailing 'faithful' husbands just to sit outside the Camalot waiting for them to go home to their wives and say they were working. She experienced me turning her away, ignoring her claims. Duncan broke her heart, hit her. Troy turned out to be dealing drugs. Casey forgot all about her. And it's been the bad guys, the crims who have always been there for her. People like Logan and Weevil. Who will pull through no matter what.
She's been left behind too many times. And only one of those has ever really returned – Wallace. Lily, Lianne, Duncan, Wallace. But she learns to deal. No matter how much it hurts she moves on.
Veronica, Ronnie, V, Goldilocks, Blondie, Mars; it doesn't matter what you call her. She's still Veronica Mars. She is always ready to help. She's there to save the day.
She's not Lily and she's no longer Lily's pet poodle. She's Veronica. Stubborn, beautiful, cheeky, witty, smart, clever, kind, tainted. She solves cases before the department does but takes no credit or claim. She does what's best. She has become much like Lily in ways, but so different in others. She's louder, more confident, sexier and much more rebellious – attributes Lily always tried to strengthen in her. And I wonder sometimes, would Lily like the new Veronica? Would she go on about how the whole misunderstood bad girl thing was awesome? Or would she ignore her? Tease her? Try to change her? But it doesn't even matter because Lily is dead. And that's part of why things are so different now.
I walk into another dorm room at Hearst to interview the victim and my heart stops as I see Veronica sitting with a blanket around her. Right here is my nightmare. The nightmare I've been having since I heard that Veronica was going to Hearst. Because this time I would believe her, but she wouldn't tell me, not any more. But when my heart restarts, stuttering shakily back to life, I say "Tell me I'm here because of you, not that I'm counting or anything, but isn't this wolf cry number two." I try to convince myself I say this to keep things normal, truth is trading barbs is the only way I know how to talk to her anymore. We're not the same people we once were, and our cruel banter is one way of separating past from present. When I say "They always say that." I see the hate built even more inside her, I see the pain and betrayal before I turn away and I know she got my reference. This time it'd be better. There wouldn't be Veronica in a torn dress to haunt my nights and days. But I know seeing Veronica so close to the rape victim will prompt more nightmares, worse nightmares. I hope she hears my soft voice as I question the girl, it's not my area of expertise but I'm doing better than I did with her. When I hear her saying she was there I get scared that the rapist might come after her next, but my voice becomes hard as I remember how much she hates me for not bringing her rapist to justice. She let her friend get raped – that's worse. I can't help but wonder what she thought the buzzing was, but she doesn't answer me straight. I see the pain she feels that she let this happen, and the empathy, but is it empathy if you too have experienced it? Or is that nostalgia? I'm not sure if I'm sad that she is being hurt again, angry that she didn't stop it, happy that it wasn't her, or smug that now she too has to blame herself for a rape, and for someone else's pain.
Veronica Mars – the subject of my worst nightmares and best dreams. I pretend that I hate when she comes to the Sheriff department to help with cases, or how she still calls me Deputy. Truth is I like it, it reminds me of old times, which hurts as much as it makes me happy. I don't really miss the old Veronica; I miss the way things were between old Veronica and me. Because no matter how hard I try to fight it or ignore it, Veronica will always be my regret and my reason. It's like a race between us. See who can solve the cases first; prove that we don't need the other. But I only run it to keep her in sight. Because maybe I'm a little bit like all the other men in her life – just a little bit in love with her.