It was a bright and sunny day, birds were singing, skies were without a cloud, and that galdin key guy wouldn't stop welcoming people. In the desert a Tomberry sat in the middle of the road, playfully chasing after a lizard.
And then both were run over by a speeding Regalia.
Prompto looked back and flinched.
"Iggy I think we killed something..."
"Meh." Said the bespeckled driver. "Happens."
Noctis was flipping through his phone's text messages while Gladio sat next to him fast asleep with a copy of some crappy romance novel on his face.
LUNA: Noct how long till you get here?
NOCTIS: About two days I think. Wouldn't dream of missing my own wedding.
LUNA: Miss you
PICTURE SENT
NOCTIS: Why did you just send me a picture of your brother dressed as a lobster?
LUNA: OMG SO SORRY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SEXY SELFIE IM SORRY HERES THE REAL PICTURE.
PICTURE SENT
NOCTIS: Hot.
LUNA: Tnx.
Noctis put his phone away and reclined as Ignis ran over a large scorpion.
"Can you seriously stop running every other creature down!?" Shouted Prompto.
"Is it my fault for hitting them or their fault for not moving?" Asked Ignis.
"Yours." Said everyone, even Gladio who was still asleep.
"... Just for that I'm not cooking dinner tonight."
"Okay. I mean we still have cup Noodles. We'll be good." Said Noctis.
"Actually I threw those out."
Suddenly Gladio bolted upwards, book flying off his face and out of the car where it pelted a Cactuar in the face.
"YOU DID WHAT!?"
Gladio grabbed the steering wheel and frantically tried to take control of the car.
"WE MUST RESUPPLY! NOODLE GAUGE IS RUNNING LOW! GLADDY NEEDS HIS FIX!"
"Gladio let go!" Shouted Ignis.
"OH GOD WE'RE GUNNA DIE!" Screamed Prompto.
Everyone screamed.
Later at Hammerhead Gladio bought out the store's entire supply of cup noodles.
"Much better."
Meanwhile Ignis was staring at a sign, trying to get inspiration from it while Noctis and Prompto waited for Cindy to change the Regalia's tires.
"All done!" Said Cindy "Not sure how y'all got all dem bones in yer tires but they're all good now."
"Thanks, just send my father the bill." Said Noctis.
"How is your father anyways?" Asked Cindy.
"Good, he's getting old though..."
King Regis sat upon his throne.
"NYX! WHERES MY SON!?"
"GETTING MARRIED LORD REGIS!" Shouted Nyx from another room.
"THANK YOU ARON PAUL!... NYX!"
"WHAT IS IT THIS TIME!?"
"DO I HAVE A SON!?"
"OH MY GOD JUST RETIRE ALREADY!" Nyx shouted. "... BITCH!"
"I remember when my dad got old." Said Cindy.
"Really?" Asked Noctis.
"No, he died when I was seven."
"I wish my dad died when I was seven..." said Prompto.
Everyone gave Prompto a concerned look. Meanwhile Gladio stuffed his cup noodles into the trunk of the Regalia.
"I'm ready."
"Well ah won't keep y'all here any longer than ah already have." Said Cindy.
"You can keep me over as long as you want." Said Prompto.
"Well ain't you sweet... shame ah got diabetus."
"Ha! Rejected!" Shouted Ignis.
Noctis took out his phone and looked at his new message from Luna.
PICTURE SENT
NOCTIS: Luna stop sending me memes
LUNA: NEVER!
Noctis sighed and got into the Regalia next to a sad Prompto.
Ardyn was driving down the highway as the Regalia sped by blasting Initial D music.
"Oh so that's how it is..."
Ardyn tried to catch up to them, only to collide with a Cup Noodle sign.
Noctis watched from the Regalia as Ardyn's Prius exploded.
"Heh..."
The Regalia reached a redlight and stopped.
"Wait why are there traffic lights on the highway?" Asked Prompto.
"Plot convenience."
Cor pulled up next to the Regalia in a cool purple car.
"Cor! What brings you here?" Asked Gladio
"I was on my way to get my Katanna sharpened, have some sushi and bubble tea for lunch, maybe catch the new SAO film while I wait."
"We get it Cor, you're a weeb." Said Ignis
"And you're banned from every IHOP in the region." Said Cor.
"Wait that's why we can't go to IHOP!?" Asked Gladio
"So where you boys off to? You finally going to ditch Ignis in the desert?" Asked Cor
"That's next week." Said Prompto. "We're going to Noct's wedding."
"Oh, chromgratulations Prince Noctis."
"You mean con-"
"I know what I said." Matt Mercer I mean Cor interrupted.
The light turned green.
"Well good luck with the wedding, and don't drive at night! Crazy shit happens at night!"
Cor drove away blasting love live music from his car speakers.
"... what a nice guy." Said Prompto
"Yeah, shame he's only in the party like... twice." Said Gladio.
Night had fallen. And it couldn't get up.
The group had set up camp by the road and Gladio was stuffing his face with cup noodles.
"God this is unhealthy."
Prompto meanwhile was playing with his gun like the responsible adult that he was.
"Pew pew! Blow blow! Kaboom! Take that dad!"
Ignis rolled his eyes and started deep frying a cactus because nobody remembered to buy ingredients for the mother child rice bowl.
Noctis sat on the Regalia chatting with Luna over text.
LUNA: So are we going to send each other nudes or what?
NOCTIS: I'm a prince. You're the oracle. We can't risk that. If nudes of us got out then we'd be in huge trouble.
LUNA: Not like anybody is going to hack us, this is a secure connection.
MARCUS HOLLOWAY: Yeah man it's cool, no hackers here.
LUNA:...
NOCTIS: ...
MARCUS HOLLOWAY: ... CRAP.
Noctis put his phone away and looked around.
"So anybody wanna play kings knight?"
"No screw that game." Said Gladio
The next day the Regalia broke down on the side of the road.
"Please tell me we don't have to push it." Said Prompto.
"Hey look at the bright side." Said Ignis "at least Stand by Me will play while you push."
"Actually we don't have the song rights anymore..." said Noctis.
"... Shit."
Just then a red dropship landed next to the Regalia and the back opened, allowing it's pilot to step out. That pilot was none other than best girl Aranea Highwind.
"Sup losers!" Said Aranea. "I just flew in from Nifelheim and boy are my arms tired!"
"...Can you help us?" Asked Gladio
"Car broke down." Added Noctis.
"Sure, I can give you guys a lift to the next gas station or something." Said Aranea.
"You're so nice." Said Prompto "and hot"
"Prompto why do you flirt with every girl we meet?" Asked Noctis
"Because I desire a female presence in my life to fill the void left behind by my lack of a mother." Replied Prompto.
Everyone went silent.
"...You alright fam?" Asked Aranea.
Aranea dropped off the Regalia and parked her Dropship outside of a garage at the rest stop.
"Thanks Aranea, you're the best." Said Prompto.
"Well of course I am!" Said Aranea. "Now if anybody needs me I'll be stuffing my face with french fries at the Crow's Nest."
Aranea walked away as Cindy stepped in.
"Wait weren't you at the last pit stop?" Asked Ignis. "How did you get here?"
"Oh well ah can warp space and time to appear at any garage in the world. It's pretty nifty."
"I'll say..." muttered Gladio.
"You never cease to amaze me Cindy." Said Prompto.
"So can you fix our car?" Asked Noctis.
"Oh, yeah... ah can do that."
Cindy took out a wrench and tapped it against the Regalia.
"...Done."
"Wow you did all that using a Newburn Holt Wrench!" Said Prompto
"You know Newburn Holt?" Asked Cindy
"Yeah, my dad used one to kill my dog." Said Prompto.
Prompto looked away and started sobbing.
"DADDY WHY!?"
Everyone looked away awkwardly except for Cindy who patted Prompto on the back comfortingly.
"There there... mah dad killed mah dog too..."
"This got really dark." Said Ignis.
"I'll say." Said Ardyn as he stepped out of the Crows nest holding a cheeseburger.
Noctis glared at Ardyn.
"What? Why are you staring? Is it the fedora?"
The boys found themselves stuck in traffic.
"This sucks, I hate traffic." Said Noctis. "I wish all these cars would get picked up by a big typhoon... nothing? Okay so Leviathan won't be in this story I guess."
"If only we could fly... then we'd get through this traffic and be on our way to the wedding." Said Gladio.
Suddenly Cindy emerged from the back seat.
"Oh ah installed a flight button." Said Cindy. "Just press it and ya'll be airborne in no time."
"...How did you get here?" Asked Noctis.
"Magic."
And with that Cindy vanished.
Ignis raised an eyebrow and pressed a big red button marked Fly. The Regalia floated into the air and turned into the flying Regalia that you don't get to use until the end of the game.
"Oh god this is so much easier!" Said Ignis.
"We can get to the wedding in no time with this baby!" Said Prompto.
Noctis smiled and took out his phone to text Luna.
NOCTIS: We're ahead of schedule. Be there soon. Love ya.
LUNA: New phone who dis?
NOCTIS:...
LUNA: Jk see you soon.
Noctis put away his phone.
"Soon Luna... so-"
The Regalia crashed into a mountain and exploded, killing them all.
GAME OVER
^Load Previous Save
Main Menu
It was a bright and sunny day, birds were singing, skies were without a cloud, and that galdin key guy wouldn't stop welcoming people. In the desert a Tomberry sat in the middle of the road, playfully chasing after a lizard.
And then both were run over by a speeding Regalia.
Prompto looked back and flinched.
"Iggy I think we killed something..."
"Meh." Said the be-speckled driver. "Happens."
"WE DIDN'T SAVE SINCE THE BEGINNING!?" Screamed Noctis
"SHIT!" Shouted Gladio "THAT MEANS WE NEED TO BUY MORE CUP NOODLES AGAIN!"
Prompto sighed.
"Well we can just fly there I guess..."
"Yeah that doesn't get installed until later on." Said Ignis.
"DAMN IT!"
1 PLOT LATER
The Regalia landed in Alticia and the four got out.
"We made it!" Said Prompto.
"And ahead of schedule too." Added Ignis.
"NOCTIS!"
They group noticed Lady Iris run out of a building and towards Noctis.
"Noctis you made it!" Said Iris "I was hop- I mean worried that you wouldn't show up and I'd have to find you myself."
"I would have been here sooner but SOMEBODY wanted to undertake the trial of the Blademaster."
Everybody looked at Gladio, who was holding the Gilgamesh sword.
"To be fair Gilgamesh was a cool dude, although I never got used to him shouting at Bartz... what a weird name."
"So is Luna here?" Asked. Noctis
"Actually no she's dead." Said Iris "But with her dying words she told me to marry you in her stead."
"Iris what did dad say about lying?" Said Gladio
"Only do it if you won't get caught... she's over by the altar."
"KTNXBYE" Said Noctis as he warp striked away to the wedding altar where Lunafreya was waiting.
"Noctis you're here." Said Luna
"I am, and now nothing will separate us. Not even if you are suddenly murdered by my vengeful immortal ancestor."
"..."
"..."
"Nothing?"
"Guess he's not showing up."
"NOT SO FAST!"
Suddenly the giant robot god worm from Episode Prompto emerged from the ground.
"IT IS I THE GENIUS IMPERIAL SCIENTIST VERSTAEL HERE TO RUIN THIS WEDDING!"
"Who?" Asked Luna
"Never heard of you." Added Noctis.
Just then Prompto walked in eating a cheeseburger.
"Hey did I miss any-"
Prompto gasped, dropped his burger and glared at Verstael.
"Father..."
"Son..."
"Why are you here dad?"
"Oh I'm here to ruin Noctis wedding and become god of the new world." Said Verstael "and what have you been up to my useless son?"
"Shut up Dad! I hate you!"
"Don't you dare speak to me like that Prompto! Go to your room you are grounded for a week young man!"
"No."
Gladio and Ignis entered.
"Uh what's going on?" Asked Gladio.
"Oh Prompto Is arguing with his dad." Said Luna.
"Enough small talk!" Said Verstael "Now you die!"
Verstael fired a laser beam, hitting Ignis in the face.
"Gah my eyes!"
"Prompto how do we defeat your dad!?" Asked Noctis
"There's only one way." Said Prompto. "The only way to defeat him is..."
"Yeah?"
"A crappy turret section."
So the party drove around in the Regalia while Prompto shot at his dad with a mini gun until he died. I'm not writing this whole sequence out, I'm tired and this fic has been in my folders for months I just want it to end.
"CURSE YOU MY SONNNNNNN!"
And so Verstael died.
"Take that Dad!" Said Prompto "That's for not letting me watch Family Guy until I was twenty!"
"Nice driving Iggy." Said Gladio
"Thank you, it was especially difficult since I was blind the entire time." Said Ignis
Noctis got out of the car and ran towards Lunafreya,
"Luna!"
"Noctis!"
Then Arden walked in and stabbed Lunafreya to death.
"Arden."
Everybody looked at Arden in shock and horror. Arden shrugged and put on a goofy smile.
"Did I do that?"
*Laugh Track*
THE END
EPILOUGE
Arden was found dead in a Cracker Barrel parking lot the next day. The cause of death was a billion stab wounds from magic teleporting swords.
Noctis became the king of Lucis and became known for legalizing recreational Materia. He still won't eat his carrots.
Prompto continued to hit on Cindy until she finally agreed to marry him out of pity. They were voted the #1 blonde couple three years in a row. He was also a much better dad than Verstael.
Gladiolus became a spokesperson for cup noodles but recently came under scrutiny for just ripping off the Old Spice commercials. He won the lawsuit however because Old Spice does not exsist in this world.
Ignis became the world's best blind chef, mostly because he was the only blind chef. He gained a reputation for running over his critics if they ever disagreed with him.
Cor got a job at Funimation where he voice acted in several anime. He still sees Noctis and co every Friday for DnD at his house.
Aranea continued to be best girl. But she never got over her addiction to crows nest French fries and eventually died of natural causes.
Cid was not in this story.
Iris gave up on her attempts to seduce Noctis and decided to pursue her lifelong dream of being the greatest fanfic writer ever. This was of course futile because I exist.
Lunafreya was buried in the nearby pet cemetery with her cell phone. Her spirit would keep sending Noctis memes for the rest of his life.
The Regalia was inspired by Noctis and friend's epic adventures and decided to set out on a grand journey of its own, one that would go down in legend as the greatest epic in Lucian history. But that's another story for another day...