Title: Bleed to Death
Author: Anney
Disclaimer: Not mine, yada yada.
Warnings: I know that the tenses flip back and forth between past and present. I did it like that on purpose. And even if I didn't, I'd still say I did. :grins:
AN: I was reading OotP in jury duty and read this quote (which is below) and this just kinda blind sided me. I was planning on trying to write something for Cenori (aka, Teh Soulmate) anyway so I just took this and ran with it. It's not suppose to be anything special, just memories I guess. The title comes directly from the quote, and while I don't think the quote really fits into this I can't leave it off.
Pairings: Hinted at James/Remus, Sirius/Remus
Summary: Remus never expected anything like he got from life.
Bleed to Death
You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.
A. Dumbledore to H. Potter
Order of the Phoenix
When asked most people would say that the thing they most loved about Hogwarts were the friends they made, the things they learned, the time they spent away from parents. Remus went to Hogwarts and expected nothing. He didn't think he'd stay there very long, he expected he'd be sent home in less than three months. He had even marked the date on his calender, 'Home' in large red letters. Any day after that he thought of as borrowed time.
Hogwarts was nothing like he expected. The train, the people, the rivalry. It was all noise: laughter, tears, screams, threats, introductions. He found the last open compartment, curled in the corner, opened his book and pretended to read. He had left the door open so he could watch all the people that passed him by. One of his first memories is of the dark haired boy that passed by his door so quick only to come back even faster. He never asked him why he turned around, he was only glad that he did.
Sirius could never do anything unless it was over the top. Every time he opened his mouth the words were outrageous, his eyes were always bright with mischief, his mouth always so wide in a grin. Sirius was his first friend, his best friend, even though Sirius and James were the two always together. Remus never thought to have one close friend, three was more than he could sometimes comprehend.
Remus can remember the excitement he felt when he held his Hogwarts acceptance letter. The fear, the surprise, the elation when he realized that it said he was accepted. His mother cried, and in bed that night he hid the letter under his pillow and thanked every god he could think of. He didn't think it would last once he got there, but the grin refused to be held back. His face hurt but he loved it.
Sirius was everything he wanted to be back then. Loud, unavoidable, gorgeous. Sirius was full of life and anyone in his presence was swept up in a whirlwind of every thing that he was. Remus was so jealous of this dark haired, beautiful boy. He loved him almost instantly.
Remus had realized that Sirius could never be unattractive in their third year. Sirius, he knew, would always be beauty personified. Striking, lusted, the most beautiful thing Remus would ever see was Sirius.
Remus lost his virginity covered in dirt; bits of mud clung to his back, bits of his partner clung to his stomach. The copper taste of blood flowed across his tongue from where he had bit down on it so he could keep himself from calling out the wrong name. He can remember the pain of it, the mess of it. He could never regret it though. Love is love, it just comes in different flavors and his love for James was no different.
He dreams of rough hands, an open mouth, a slick tongue and when he wakes up in the morning there's always a name lingering on his tongue that never quite slips out. He's always the first to wake up in the morning during the week, he doesn't count the weekends because sometimes when he's waking up Sirius and James are just going to bed. They hide in the secret passage ways with girls from other houses, it's daring and reeks of Sirius cunning. James tells Remus often that he could have a girl in a dark, damp passage way if he wanted, but he never does. He doesn't want a i girl /i ; with their soft hands, fluttering butterfly touches. He wants a hand bigger than his own, rough with broomstick calluses, harsh and firm on his body. A girl would never do.
He doesn't remember everything about the change, just flashes of moments. He wakes up sometimes with black dog hair in his mouth flavored with copper. He doesn't remember what happens but he loves the after taste of the full moon. He never expected to have friends that would go through so much trouble just for him. Friends that would risk themselves in such a way for him. The life of a werewolf isn't one of happiness and acceptance; it's one of hiding away who you are for fear of death, fear of hate. Life is hard enough knowing that people will hate you just because of something you can't help but be. Remus grew up with parents that never saw the need in hiding him from the harsh reality of life. He loved his parents, but it hurt that even they were scared of him.
Sirius wasn't everything to Remus, just enough to count as it. He felt lucky to have him as a friend, but it wasn't always sunny days of glory. Sirius could rouse up anyone's anger and Remus was no exception. No one could make him as mad as Sirius could. Remus was convinced that was a talent that no one else had. He knows, deep down inside where everything is warm and fuzzy like he hears the girls talk about when they think there are no boys nearby in the library, that he loves Sirius; just like he knows Sirius will never love him the way he wants him to.
The summer between his sixth and seventh year James's parents invited the boys to spend the last part of summer break at their house. It was their graduation present to their son, and he goes because James asks him and he could never say no to James before but now he will always have a special place in his heart for the other boy. He can remember how James tasted on his lips and how awkward it was for days after they used each other as replacements in one of the dark, damp passageways he was finally talked into entering. James, after all, knows what it's like to feel like you can never have the one you want so you have to settle. Remus has no problems with being second best, but he doesn't think that's the right description for James.
They're boys so they spend most of their time rolling across grass in mock fights, flying through the air, and laughing at each other. Sirius spends as much time on four legs has on two and the girls from the local village love him in either form. They sleep in the same room, spread across the floor on blankets so close and yet so far away. He can feel hands in his hair in the middle of the night that are long gone in the morning. He has whispers of dreams that he thinks can never come true.
James and Peter spend one night in the village because Peter had finally, some how, managed to trick a girl into going out to dinner with him. He can't be trusted not to make a fool of himself though so James has to go, but not before he makes Peter beg him. Sirius stands to the side of James and gives Peter pointers on how to beg in the most pleasing fashion, he can remember that the conversation went rapidly down hill from there. Peter leaves that night with red ears, red cheeks, and slightly glazed eyes. Sirius was never shy about sharing all of his knowledge.
Remus sits in the corner with a book he uses to hide his smile behind, but he catches James's eyes and sees the mirth dancing in them. He realizes then that he loves James almost as much as he loves Sirius and if things were different maybe he wouldn't be as hurt. James is nicer than Sirius, even though both are vain little twats most of the time.
Not long after James and Peter have left Remus's book is snatched out of his hand and he's tossed on the floor. There's rough and tumble play wrestle that makes hi breath catch, makes his mouth smile, and when he's pinned underneath Sirius he can feel his cheeks blaze. He doesn't expect the mouth on top of his own, or the tongue sliding along his lips.
A kiss becomes teasing nips across his jam, and down his throat; by the time James and Peter return he's redressed and close enough to Sirius to touch, so he does. Hesitant and unbelieving fingers wrapped in tangled blank hair spread across the floor. James just looks all knowing, unsurprised and so very pleased with himself. Peter looks like he always does, just a little more red in the face.
He doesn't expect this to last either, Sirius has never been known to stay with one person for more than a week at most. he thinks that by the time Hogwarts rolls back around he'll be old news, shoved back into that friendship place he knew so well. He wasn't.
His last year at Hogwarts took on new meaning, his nights were spent covered in flesh, and more often than not he had to eat a rushed breakfast as he made a break for his first class. His seventh year of Hogwarts was the best year of his life.
Remus always thought he'd be the first of his friends to die. He was prepared for it, in a way he embraced it. Dark creatures don't live for very long, they are either killed by others or they kill themselves. remus was looking at a short life but the only thing he could bring himself to regret was leaving his friends.
He hates to much that he was wrong. Years of thinking that the one person he loved more than anything else in the world was behind the most painful thing he ever lived through, only to realize he was wrong. It wasn't the same though. He and Sirius had grown up into men; they had both seen things they wished they could forget. Remus knew, though, that he still loved Sirius and would do whatever he could to help him. All the years apart only made one thing clear, all they had was each other and the little pieces of James that would some times leak out of Harry. They would fight until the death to protect that.
Remus would die for Sirius, and he would die for Harry but he only ever felt alive when Sirius was there.
end