Devil's Island - A Father Ted Fan Fiction
Opening shot.
In a dim lit room and against a background of rain, howling winds and periodic
lightning flashes. A small (3ft tall) demon looks into the camera. He licks
his lips, draws his face back and sneezes on the lens. The cameraman's hand
comes into view with a rag and squeekily wipes it clean. The demon turns and
totters across the room with the camera following close behind. Father Jack is
asleep in his chair, at his side is an empty bottle of Venos cough mixture, an
empty bottle of Benylin and an emty can sat on its side - labelled "Paraffin".
The demon sneezes, lightning flashes, Jack stirs in his sleep and shouts.
Jack: Drink, Paraffin!
The demon moves off again followed by the camera, this time out into the hall
and up the stairs to Ted and Dougal's bedroom. They are both sat up in their
beds with a bedside lamp on and talking in snuffled tones as they both have a
cold.
Dougal: Would you look there Ted. Ted look, theres a little devil thing on the
end of my bed.
Ted: No Dougal, you're seeing things. How much of that cough mixture have you
had?
Dougal: Three ladels Ted.
Dougal picks up an empty bottle of Venos and a ladle and shows them to Ted.
Ted: Och, Dougal you idiot I said read the label - not three ladels.
Dougal: Oh, so you did Ted, any way the little devil's on your bed now, look
Ted.
The demon sneezes, Ted sneezes, Dougal sneezes, lightning flashes and Mrs Doyle
enters with a tray.
Mrs Doyle: Cup of Tea?
Ted: No thankyou Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Oh go on.
Dougal: Look at the devil now, he's being rude.
The demon is at Mrs Doyle's ankles, lifting her skirt and peering up.
Ted: I said no thankyou Mrs Doyle and there is no little bloody devil Dougal.
Mrs Doyle: Oh go on - ah - ah choo.
The demon sneezes, briefly inflating her skirt to reveal some really out of
character stockings and suspenders, Mrs Doyle sneezes and the tray falls to
the ground as lightning flashes. The demon vanishes.
Mrs Doyle: Not to worry I'll fetch some more.
She gathers the mess on to the tray and exits.
Second shot.
Mrs Doyle is in the kitchen, she discovers there are no tea bags and mutters
to herself.
Mrs Doyle: No tea bags, I'll have to get some from somewhere, I'll try the
shop.
Disregarding the fact that it is close to midnight she throws a shawl around
her shoulders and ventures out into the storm. The shop owners are a very
nice couple she thinks to herself they shouldn't be too put out for the sake
of a box of teabags.
The wind and rain lash at her with poisonous fury as she attempts to cover
ground towards the shop, every step she takes is a mighty battle with this
fearsome storm, but she will make it, got to get those teabags, her
determination drives her on. Half an hour later she arrives - moribund, she
summons all her remaining strength to bang on the door.
The couple inside are in the the usual domestic routine of beating each others
heads in, on this occasion with saucepans. Mrs Doyle's knocking smoothly blends
with the blows the violent couple are administering to each other and they fail
to notice her increasingly frail attempts to get someone to answer. She
collapses murmuring.
Mrs Doyle: I just need some tea bags pleeeeeease.
Third Shot:
Teds bedroom, morning has broken and the sun is beaming through the curtains.
Ted: Something unusual about this morning Dougal, but I can't quite work what
it is?
Dougal: Er, you're in my bed Ted?
Ted: WHAT! What, how in God's heaven did I get here?
Ted Leaps from the bed.
Dougal: I put you there Ted. I was scared of that little devil thing coming to
get me.
Ted: No, that's not it, there is something unusual about this morning but I
can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe after I've had my morning cup of tea
it'll come to me.
Ted scans the bedside table for the cup of tea has had every morning for the
previous five years - nothing there.
Ted: That's it Dougal. No cup of tea this morning, that's so unlike Mrs Doyle.
Remember the time when like usual she'd been up before the rest of us, digging
potatoes, and she accidentally pushed that pitch fork through her foot. That
didn't stop her fetching us a
cup of tea each did it? She insisted we drank it too before calling for an
ambulance.
Dougal: You're right there Ted, maybe that little devil has taken her.
Ted: Will you shut up about that little bloody devil! You look upstairs, I'll
look downstairs shout me if you find her.
Ten minutes later no sign of her. Ted, Dougal and Jack are in the living room.
Ted: Achoo - damm cold, well it looks like there's no sign of her, you know
Dougal I thought she liked it here. I'll bet my collar she's moved across to
Father Spike's house, you know Father Spike, Dougal.
Dougal: Would that be Father Spike - the cleaning priest?
Ted: Yes, you know I always found his passion for cleaning and Punk music a
bit of an odd combination. I'll give him a call and see if she's there.
Ted tries the phone.
Ted: No, No, the lines dead, it must've been that storm last night. I know I'll
use my mobile to call him on his mobile. Marvellous thing modern technology.
Father Spike is at the top of a ladder cleaning the windows of his house dressed
in his usual attire of: leather trousers, apron and spiked clerical dog collar.
Pumping out of the open window he is working on are the lyrics to a Sex Pistols
song "I am an anti-Christ, I am an anarchist". Above this he hears the faint
ring of his mobile and let's go of the ladder. Searching his pockets to retrieve
it, he consequently falls to his death.
Ted switches his mobile phone off.
Ted: What's the point of having a mobile if you're not going to answer it?
Jack habitually stirs in his chair again and shouts.
Jack: Drink, paraffin!
Dougal: Yes, yes Jack we'll get you something for your cold. Are you coming with
me Dougal, we'll pop across into the village to get get Jack's supplies and while
we're there we'll ask around for Mrs Doyle. Your costing me a fortune Jack I hope
you appreciate this.
Dougal has moved across the room and sat himself at the writing bureau.
Ted: Dougal, what are you doing?
Dougal: I'll not be coming with you Ted. I'll be writing a letter to the Pope.
Ted: What for?
Dougal: I'm going to ask him to save us from the devil.
Ted: That guy's so old he couldn't fight off a cold, never mind the devil, and anyway
he'd be far too busy to concern himself with us. He'd have much more important things
to do like...?
Dougal sneezes on the letter he is about to start and then wipes the paper clean with
the cuff of his sleeve.
Dougal: Like what Ted?
Ted: I don't know, but they'd be really important holy type things.
Dougal: Well, I think this is a very important holy type matter. Mrs Doyle has gone
and it was just after I saw the Devil, so I'm calling in the big guns Ted.
Ted: Suit yourself, I'll go alone - you write your silly bloody letter.
Ted puts on a coat and leaves.
Fourth Shot.
At the shop. The feuding couple's argument spills out into the street where the male
trips backwards over Mrs Doyle's hypothermic body which has lain on their doorstep all
night. The couple although battered, bloody and bruised immiediately turn pleasant.
Male: Oh Hello there Mrs Doyle, I didn't see you there. Mrs Doyle? Are you alright?...
The female puts the sign on the shop door to "Casualty" (the sign is similar in shape
and size to a snooker triangle, on each face is a word: Open, Closed and Casualty) and
the couple then gather up Mrs Doyle and head for casualty.
Ted arrives moments later and sighs as he reads the sign on the shop door. An old lady
is making her way towards him. Ted mutters.
Ted: Not again.
Old Lady: They've gone to the hospital.
Ted: Yes, so it would seem.
Old Lady: And they had Satan's child with them you know.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Old Lady: Well it looked a bit like Mrs Doyle, you know that nice lady that lives with
you. Only, it couldn't have been, this wicked woman was blue in the face and her skirt
was up round her waist, she had those wicked stocking things on...Satan's child I tell
you.
Ted thinks for a moment
Ted: Yes, Satan's child is here with us dear old lady but he's inside Mrs Doyle and God
has told me that I need a can of paraffin to save her, it's a holy liquid, a bit
stronger than holy water. You would'nt have any at home would you?
Old Lady: I do but I need it for my heater, these cold nights could kill a person like
me you know.
Ted sneezes.
Ted: I'm sure God would look after you if you was to let me have it, you'd be doing
sterling work helping him to banish Satan's children you know.
Old Lady: I suppose so. Isn't God a nice man?
Fifth Shot.
After returning home and giving Jack his paraffin Ted has brought both Jack and
Dougal with him to the hospital. They are on a ward stood by an empty bed all the
other beds are occupied by old and injured people and there is a general air of
sickness about the place.
Ted: How far did you get with your letter then Dougal?
Dougal: Oh, I'll be needing your help there Ted. I couldn't work out whether to put
'Dear Mr Pope' or 'Dear Pope'
Ted: Why don't you try 'Your Holiness'?
Dougal: I did Ted but mine isn't strong enough, that's the reason I want the Pope to
come and get this devil, his holy stuff is much stronger than mine.
Ted: No! You idiot. That's how you address the Pope - 'Your Holiness'.
Dougal: Ah, come on Ted you're kidding me now. That's one thing I do know, the Pope
lives in the Vatican.
Ted: Well if you knew two things Dougal, you'd be twice as clever.
Mrs Doyle enters the ward in a hospital issue dressing gown. She is carrying a tray
upon which are approximately twenty mugs of tea. She stops at the first bed and offers
a cup of tea to the elderly patient.
Ted: Mrs Doyle, there you are.
Mrs Doyle: Oh, hello Ted I've just made some tea, I'll just hand these out? Didn't
know you were here I'll make some more in a moment.
She moves to the next bed on the ward. It contains a man bandaged from head to toe
and semi suspended by various traction machines.
Mrs Doyle: And what about you, would you like one?
The patient is unable to reply but she insists.
Mrs Doyle: Oh, go on.
Dougal moves over, takes a mug of tea and places it on the bedside cabinet beside the
patient.
Dougal: There you go poor fellow I've put it there for later.
Ted: Mrs Doyle, would you please get back into your bed. Give me that tray, I'll hand
out the drinks, now go on get back into your bed.
Mrs Doyle climbs into her bed, Ted walks down the ward handing out mugs of tea. Jack
follows sheepishly at first but then sees a small sign saying 'Medicines Room' and
promptly disappears.
Ted: Only one one left, now who was this meant for?
Mrs Doyle: I made it for myself, the doctor said I'm to get plenty of hot drinks inside
me and plenty of rest.
Ted: Well I'll have this, it doesn't feel that hot anymore and we wouldn't want you to
have a relapse now would we? Besides I've not had a cup of tea all day and you'll be
busy with the present we've brought you.
Dougal picks up a plastic carrier bag and from it retrieves some balls of burgundy wool
and a pair of knitting needles. He places them on the bed beside a puzzled looking Mrs
Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Thankyou.
Ted: Could you knit me a new cardigan while you're in here? This one I'm wearing is a
bit worn and I thought while you're in bed idle you could do me another, I'm sure you'll
stay warm if you stay active.
Dougal: Can we go now Ted? I want to finish my letter.
Ted: Yes, Yes just let me finish this tea, go and find Jack and tell him were leaving.
Well Mrs Doyle glad we found you and glad you're OK, you had us all a bit worried there
you know...
Dougal rushes back.
Dougal: Ted, Ted I've found Jack and he's gone mad.
Ted: Jack has been mad since I can remember.
Dougal: No he looks even madder.
Ted follows Dougal off the ward to the medicine room where Jack is slumped in a chair
surrounded by hundreds of empty medicine bottles. His eyes have gone a lime green
colour and he is foaming at the mouth.
Jack: Fekinkoff! Drirls.
Dougal: What did he say Ted?
Ted: I'm not sure but it sounds like a mixture of: drink, feckoff and girls. If I know
Jack that's what he'll have been trying to say though I'm uncertain in which order.
Let's get him out of here before the nurses find out what's been going on.
They each take an arm and hoist Jack to his feet. Ted shouts back through the doors on
to the ward as they leave.
Ted: Sorry we didn't stay long, back for you tomorrow Mrs Doyle.
Sixth shot.
Dougal has finally completed his letter.
Dougal: So how about this then Ted?
"Dear Mr Pope,
Co
uld you please bring your holiness here to Craggy Island because a little devil is
here.
Love Dougal."
Ted: That's very persuasive Dougal, I can't see how he'd refuse.
Dougal: He'd be very rude if he did Ted, considering all the work I put into it.
Dougal throws on a coat, leaves the house and posts the letter.
Seventh shot.
Short sequences of postman picking up letter, letters whizzing around in a sorting
office, an aeroplane, Italian postman delivering letter to the vatican and finally
those fast rotating newspaper headlines reading "The Pope is Dead" - "Pope dies
from a cold".
Ted is sat in an armchair reading the paper.
Ted: Would you look here Dougal, the Pope is dead, I wonder who'll get the job next
- probably Terry Wogan. One thing's for sure though if he ever steps onto Craggy
Island, the little devil would be on the first boat out of here.
Closing shot.
Another set of short sequences: the Pope laid out, a dead old lady on a chair
beside a fueless fire, recognisable faces of the hospital patients also laid out -
in the hospital mortuary and finally the little demon who laughs before vanishing.
The End.