Chapter 1

-Elena-

'We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion just as effectively as by bombs'

Kenneth Clark

Waking up with a headache is a bad enough way to start your Monday.

But waking up with a headache and someone knocking on the front door a hundred times in a row... well, that is just hell.

I struggled to find my slippers as I put on my robe, half-wishing I were dead, and ran down the stairs to the front door. Whoever it was, they were very driven.

I half-expected to see a policeman as I opened the front door but instead it was just Caroline Forbes – my over-the-top, annoyingly perfect and OCD-driven friend. Did I forget to mention she looked like a Runway model?

'Good morning sunshine! I brought bagels!' I overcame my desire to shut the door in her face and instead opened it widely to let her in.

'Caroline, it's 7.30 in the morning...' I said, feeling exhausted. She replied with an immense grin and made her way to my kitchen.

'I know, isn't it a beautiful day?' She sang. I glanced outside and frowned – I hadn't bothered to acknowledge the weather the whole weekend.

'It's raining...' I grumpily said and went straight for the kettle to make some coffee. I was so not a morning person.

'Mood should not be defined by the weather.' Caroline chirpily said and I internally groaned.

'Clearly you're up in a good mood. What's up?' I didn't really want her here right now.

'Wow, that was heartfelt.' As I heard her sarcastic tone I felt awful.

'I'm sorry. I just meant... we don't usually meet at 7.30 on a Monday.' Her expression made me think she realized it was an inconvenient wake-up call.

'Well, if you'd bother to call more often I wouldn't have to visit at the only time I know you'll let me in without putting up a fight.' Her gentle tone made me feel even worse.

'I'm sorry Caroline. I haven't been a good friend lately.' I got two mugs out and turned around to face her.

'I just...' She looked at me as if I were a hurt puppy.

'I know, Elena. Trust me – I understand. I've been through this as well, remember?'

How could I forget? When Klaus cheated on Caroline with Hayley, my heart wept for her. She was devastated – didn't get out of bed for a whole week. Bonnie and I even had to barge in on her to make sure she hadn't done something stupid. I quickly shook those thoughts out of my head.

'I do remember.' I simply said.

'Look, I'm not trying to be that person, but you can't keep doing this to yourself.' I turned around as the kettle boiled and carried on preparing the coffee.

'I'm doing my best Caroline.' I said avoiding her stare.

'I know you are – and I am not criticizing... but it's been 3 months Elena.' I dropped the spoon out of my hands as she said that and turned around to look at her. She went on wearily.

'I know that when I went through this I wasn't much better but... at a certain point you have to let him go if you can't forgive him.' I struggled to keep a straight face as she said that.

'It's different for us, Caroline.' Her expression visibly softened.

'I know it is. Klaus and I weren't married – we didn't have any kids.' Her mentioning my children made my stomach clench in knots.

'It's not just that, Caroline... Klaus had a one-night drunken stand. It didn't mean anything – even I understood that. But Stefan...' I felt like I was going to choke on the words so I never said them. Caroline did for me.

'He had been seeing that slut for a year when you found out.' I could feel my chest contracting as I heard the hard truth from my best friend.

'We've been married for 10 years Caroline.' Tears sprung out all of a sudden and I stifled the desire to sob. Caroline made her way towards me in a rush.

'Oh, Elena, I'm sorry I brought it up.' Caroline gently said as she hugged me.

'No – it's okay. I'm sorry... I thought it'd get easier as time went by but it just hasn't.'

'Listen to me.' She said in a gentle but firm tone. I wiped my tears away and focused on her face.

'You can't keep doing this to yourself. Sleeping half the day, staying indoors the whole weekend when the kids aren't around, avoiding your friends... When was the last time you wrote something?!' I had a part time job as a writer for a women's magazine, but the rest of the time I used to spend writing my book. Lately I hadn't written a single word.

'You sound like a mom.' I complained trying to avoid her question.

'I am genuinely concerned about you.' I hated this whole situation.

'I know you are. But I'm fine. Or if I'm not right now, I will be soon enough. I promise you.' I'm not sure she bought it but I carried on trying to change the subject.

'How come Bonnie isn't here with you?' Caroline's expression suddenly changed and I though I spotted guilt for a split second.

'Well, let's just say she's been a bit... distracted lately.' I involuntarily grinned as I understood Caroline's reference to Jeremy, my brother.

'I can't believe my little brother and best friend are together – I'm so happy for them.' They had been on and off ever since high school. Recently they had re-united at a party we threw for Stefan's birthday. Although Bonnie was a few years older than Jeremy they seemed to just work together.

'Me too. I just wish I could stop hearing about it so much from Bonnie.' Caroline literally cringed and I couldn't help but laugh.

'What do you mean?' I asked her on purpose knowing how bad she hated hearing about my brother and her.

'Well, let's just say the last time we talked I had to wash my ears with soap after hearing about the french maid costume she bought from Ann Summers.' And that made me cringe instantly.

'Ok, gross – I don't want to hear any more details about my brother's sex life.' Caroline giggled as I was genuinely disgusted. Never again will I ask...

'Well, if it helps, I think Bonnie's keeping him really happy these days...' Caroline went on making fun of me.

'Are you going to make another dirty joke?' I loved the woman but she had a bad habit these days – I personally blamed it on Klaus.

'No, I was actually going to let you in on a little secret.' Oh, do tell Car'...

'What is that?'

'Jeremy is going to propose.' I literally dropped the spoon I was holding for the coffee on the floor. The silence that came until Caroline spoke was deafening.

'What did you say?' I asked in shock. Caroline's grin got even wider if that were possible.

'We went over the weekend to New York and I helped him pick a diamond ring for Bonnie.' She showed me a picture of it on her phone. It was... wow!

'Oh my God, it's beautiful.'

'I know right? I was a little shocked that he wants to propose so quickly though...' I wasn't...

'They're meant to be together. They always have been.'

Just like Stefan and I had been meant to be together. Or at least I thought we were.

'Elena, are you alright?' Caroline asked, pulling me out of my day dream.

'Yeah, I'm fine Car'. Thanks for letting me know.' She could sense me being hurt by this whole thing.

'Oh, Elena, he wanted to tell you but...' I waved it off and smiled.

'It's fine, Caroline, I understand. I'm so happy for them – there's no need to explain.' In earnest ever since I had kicked Stefan out of the house Jeremy had avoided boasting about Bonnie knowing how much I was going through.

'So tell me, when is he going to propose?'

'I'm not sure – he didn't want to tell me that.'

'Sounds about right – my brother's always been a romantic.' And with that, the subject was officially closed.

'I assume the kids aren't here.' Caroline said as she sipped from her decaff.

'No, they were with Stefan this weekend. He took them to school today so they'll be coming back this afternoon. It'll be nice to have them around again.'

The rest of our conversation I can't really say I remember that well - my heart wasn't really in it. As Caroline left for work I was left all alone in our home, wondering when everything had gotten so shitty.

My brother was getting engaged to my best friend – and I didn't even know. A migraine commenced as the realization kicked in. When had I stopped being a part of his life? Or my friends' lives for that matter? When had I stopped being myself and turned into this depressed housewife?

I hadn't wanted to admit it, but ever since Stefan had cheated I had let myself go big time. My hair and nails were unkempt, the dark circles underneath my eyes were getting bigger and I could've sworn I had gained some weight as well. Not surprising given that I wasn't exercising regularly anymore.

I shuddered as I looked at myself in the mirror. As much as I hated to admit it – Caroline was right. I was in denial. I was unhappy. I was not living my life anymore. It felt like I was playing a role in a movie – the one where my marriage goes to hell so my entire life should follow.

As I sat down at my desk, the photographs of my parents caught my attention. Shame poured over me as I realized what a disappointment I'd become. They wouldn't have wanted this life for me. They had wanted me to be happy.

I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Why did I want to forgive Stefan so badly for what he'd done? Sure, we were married, and I loved him but why couldn't I just let it go instead of torturing myself like this? I instantly knew – because of my kids. No matter what happened, my kids' happiness would always be above mine. And no matter how much their father had hurt me, I would do my best to forgive him – no matter how long it would take.

I took a long hard look in the mirror. For a second I wondered if I was just lying to myself – was this just another lie? Saving my marriage for the sake of my children... was I really trying to do that? Part of me shuddered as I feared I was doing this for a whole different reason – that had nothing noble or good about it.

I slowly pulled out my journal and flicked to the end page where I always kept that photo of us. There he was – his raven-black hair, ocean-blue eyes and that cocky grin that had made my heart flutter so many times. I briefly wondered where he was – not a day passed when I didn't wonder, when my heart didn't ache because of guilt and torment. I couldn't even think about his name without my heart aching.

I felt like such a hypocrite. When I found out Stefan had been cheating on me I was devastated and essentially had a nervous breakdown which resulted into kicking him out of our home. But this right here – looking at his brother's picture every single day and wondering if I would ever see him again – wasn't this just as bad, or even worse than what he'd done to me? A tear came down as I quickly shoved the photo back in my journal and took it out of my sight. I wouldn't go down memory lane again – not today.

Instead, for the first time in forever, I put on my trainers and exercise gear and went out running in the pouring rain. By the end of a 10 km run, I was barely breathing. But somewhere during those 10 km I decided I wouldn't be defeated. One way or the other, I would get over this – whatever it was that I was going through. If not for me, then for my kids.