Between The Sweets
Imagine the multiverse... not from the inside, but from the out. See all the universes spiral around each other like, well, things that spiral around each other. Now lets look at two in particular... one, based entirely on rules, apparently made up of numbers, perfectly round, perfectly orderly, perfectly boring.
Now we look at the next, which is shaped like a glass-fishing float made by a glassblower with cerebral palsy and a serious cold. Notice, that one of the strange bumps and protrusions is a much brighter colour then the rest of the......erm...shape.
As the camera of causality pans in, and you enter the incandescent orb, you notice the utopian garden, filled with birds, animals and plants in perfect harmony with each other.
You notice the tower, spearing up through the clouds.
You notice the figure leaving the tower.
He is bored. He wants a challenge.
At least it would have done, if the cameraman wasn't taking a coffee break
Now, using the wonders of modern literature, we move across to another Universal bulge, using a technique similar to that used in films, you know, when you see a dramatic scene and you leave the villain standing there looking stereotypically evil. This lump of universal stuff is coloured black, but with the same sort of sheen as the utopian garden.
As we enter this extension we see that this is a garden as well, but whereas the other garden is brightly coloured and full of life, this garden is coloured in black, and the only life is the solitary raven circling around in the sky, above a cottage. Considering the dark, evil landscape with all the black plants, the cottage seems a bit anti climatic.
In his study, Death was preparing to perform, as he referred to it, THE DUTY, after gathering the metaphorical hourglasses, and sharpening his scythe. Suddenly he looks up. His face, by tradition a grinning skull, nevertheless looks worried. He detected a discord in the world. ALBERT he called, in a voice like a lead ball falling onto a slab of stone. A door opens, and an elderly man, who appears to be made entirely out of knuckles walks across the miles of space to Deaths desk, mainly by not knowing that it was there. "Yes master. Want some more tea?"
Death paused. YOU DON'T MEAN MORE CAMOMILE DO YOU? I DON'T AGREE WITH DRINKING SOAP. Albert sighed. "Listen, master, I keep telling you, it's not soap, its just something they put in soap. You can put in tea as well!"
ARE YOU SURE? Death was overcome with curiosity.
"Yes, master!!!!!" said Albert, barely controlling his temper.
Death shook himself. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT THERE HAS BEEN A DISCORD. SOMETHING HAS EXITED OUR UNIVERSE. YOU MUST INVESTIGATE, ALBERT. I AM BOUND TO THIS UNIVERSE. THERE IS NO-ONE ELSE TO SOLVE THIS CRISIS. HIS LEAVING HAS CAUSED A LINK BETWEEN OUR UNIVERSE AND ANOTHER. IF THIS LINK IS NOT REMOVED, OUR UNIVERSES WILL MERGE, AND BOTH WORLDS WILL CEASE TO BE AS THEY WERE.
Albert's voice took on a tone of forced good nature "Now master, you know I cannot go into the world. I have no time."
I WILL GIVE YOU TIME, GIVEN TO ME BY RENETA FLITWORTH. 2 WEEKS WORTH
All good nature, forced or otherwise had left Albert's voice. "But what about the other wizards, or that old Granny Weatherwax, or your granddaughter?"
OTHER WIZARDS ARE NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DO THIS. YOU KNOW THAT. WITCH MAGIC COULD HAVE SOME EFFECT BUT THEY HAVE NO WAY OF GETTING THERE IN TIME. AND YOU KNOW I CANNOT INVOLVE MY GRANDDAUGHTER IN THIS. SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
Albert had by now decided that there were no excuses left. "Ok, ok, if I must. But what exactly do I have to do? Who is this bugger anyway?"
Death turned away from Albert to face the door to the life timer room.
HIS NAME IS COIN. HE IS A SOURCERER. HE LEFT OUR WORLD FIVE YEARS AGO BECAUSE HE DIDN'T THINK THE WORLD WAS READY FOR SOMEONE OF HIS IMMENSE MAGICAL POWER. ALL OTHER SOURCERERS ARE DEAD. YOU, AS THE FOUNDER OF UNSEEN UNIVERSITY ARE THE ONLY ONE WITH THE POWER TO STOP HIM.
YOU MUST RETURN TO UNSEEN UNIVERSITY AND RECOVER YOUR STAFF.
Death turned at the sound of a thunderclap. Albert had gone.
Now we enter the universe of rules.....
A small group of men in long black robes (with an attractive gold leaf insignia) gather in a large forest bordering onto a castle...... the half moon floats in the sky allowing them to see without being seen. Their leader, a thing, scrawny looking creature, who resembles a corpse, touches his left arm above the elbow. He waits for a minute and then with a selection of pops the area is full of the men in black robes. They bow to the corpse like man, and the say things like "thank you my lord". He is that sort of person. His name is John Needa Piddle The evil Dark Lord (There's always one). He is not a nice man.
"Now my loyal Tax Devourers, the time has come to remove all those who are not true to the ideals of true wizardhood. Tonight, we remove that fool Malcolm Tumbledrawers from this world and kill all those moggle scum as well. Attack Oggmorts!!!!"
The men in the black robes (and gold leaf) advanced on the castle... And a thunderbolt of anti-colour spilt the sky.
Where it struck, a boy in his mid-teens stood, holding what appeared to be a metal pole. He had eyes of impossible piercing blue that seemed to gaze right through you, and short blonde hair. His arms were scrawny, but when he spoke there was a strange air of fearlessness and power. "I am told that you are a powerful mage on this world. I want a challenge"
Not white or black, but a sort of hole in the sky that made your eyeballs ache
There was a sound like a thunderclap, and Albert appeared in a cellar. The cellar was one of the numerous and extensive cellars that languished beneath Unseen University, the Discs premier college of magic. He muttered slightly at the minor navigational error, and disappeared again.
He arrived this time in an office, most of which was taken up by a pool table. In the corner however, there was a hat balanced on the edge of a pole. Albert recognised the pole as being his staff of power, and was incensed with rage. If he wasn't in such a hurry, he would have made the owner of this office suffer, but as it was, he simply grabbed his staff and teleported out.
Five minutes later the door was opened by a wizard in his 70's who turned around and screamed "BURSAR!!! WHERE THE HELL IS MY HATSTAND!!!!"
Lord Moldywart stared at the youth with an expression of mixed shock and amusement. "You wish to challenge me? Fool!" he turned to his minions. "Kill him."
The youth smiled. "I think not" and with a gesture of his hand sent the Tax Devourers flying.
This sent Moldywart into spasms of anger, and in the castle outside which they were standing, a boy awoke...
He grabbed his contact lenses (which made his eyes look purple) and jumped out of bed. He threw on his cloak, grabbed his racing mop and his magic wand, and woke a boy in the bed across from him. "Don! Wake up" he said, while shaken the sleeping body of his friend, Don Queasy. "Moldywart is here". The boy with the contact lenses is called Larry Otter, and he is one of those annoying people who has been touched by destiny, you know, those that get amazing opportunities handed to them simply due to the fact that they've been singled out by fate.
Don looked up. The name of the Dark Evil Lord shook him out of his drowsiness. "Wha'? Him? Here? How do you know, Larry?" Larry reached up and prodded his forehead, on which was a scar in the shape of the British rail logo . "How do you think you twat? An enormous green inflatable giraffe wandered into the dormitory and told me." Don looked on in puzzlement "So it wasn't the scar this time?" Larry rolled his eyes. "Its not important. We need to go tell Tumbledrawers". The two of them left there dormitory and headed for Tumbledrawers office. They stopped at the statue commemorating a famous Gnome rock band, and Larry leaned over to the gnome urinating into his drum kit and whispered "Let me in you bastard". A minute voice replied "Fuck you bitch" and the wall temporarily disappeared. Larry and Don wandered into the office, and found Tumbledrawers in the unappealing position of jumping up and down on his bed in his underwear, head banging to the sound of Slayer "Reign in blood". Larry turned off the CD player and prodded Tumbledrawers with the racing mop he had taken from his dormitory (most mages used conventional bucket mops, but Larry's was a Thunderball, which looked like one of those mops that drags dust towards itself). Tumbledrawers stopped playing air guitar and looked muzzily at Larry and Don. "What's up dudes?" he asked, in his twenty years out of date cool voice attempt. "Moldywart is back." Larry told him. "He is here, and he is pissed." Tumbledrawers nodded. "Scars up again, right little dude?" "Erm, yes," said Larry, in the vaguely confused voice he always used when the headmaster was talking. At this point Don cut in "You told me that an inflatable giraffe told you!" Larry's response was to slap Don across the ear for being an idiot. The red 'tiger stripe' effect on Dons ears made him quite a fashion icon at the school
Tumbledrawers appeared not to notice. "Dudes, this is serious" he said. "If Moldywart is attackin', we gotta round up da Posse!!!! Larry, you shimmy on down an get Professor Snip, Don, you go and prod MacConocal." Larry and Don both fell silent, both feeling that they had the worst deal. MacConocal was even older then Tumbledrawers, shaped like a conical flask, and was known to sleep in the nude. Where as Snip had a bad temper with all students ever since Larry had given him a magical vasectomy in his first year, believing that he was a follower of Moldywart. Feeling vindictive, Larry asked Tumbledrawers what he would be doing. "Dude!?!?!?" was Tumbledrawers shocked response. "I'll be psyching my self up for the confrontation, with some hardcore headbanging! See you at the main entrance"
Larry and Don left Tumbledrawers playing air guitar and moved towards the teachers sleeping quarters. When they got to the split between the MacConocal's and Snip's rooms, they looked at each other and mutually shuddered. Larry took the left-hand fork to Snips room, and knocked on the forbiddingly shaped door, with the notices saying "Students out!" and "Larry Otter will be prosecuted". Snip opened the door wearing a T-shirt with an Anti-Larry symbol on the front. He seemed less then pleased about being disturbed, and even angrier about being disturbed by Larry Otter. "What do you want, Otter?" we said, his voice being one step away from being a direct insult. Larry had learned not to pay any attention to Snip's bad moods, so he spoke calmly and rationally. "Moldywart is back. He's outside. Tumbledrawers me to summon you." Snip retched at Larry's mentioning of the Dark Lords name (most people did, when they considered what the name actually meant) and reached behind the door for his trousers and wand, and followed Larry back down the staff quarters corridor. On the corner they met Don, who was looking white as a sheet, and a life form that could only have been a women, because no sculptor would create a sculpture that disturbing. Don mouthed the words "She was naked" to Larry, and they had another communal shudder. Together they headed to the main entrance to meet up with Tumbledrawers...
This scar was the result of a curse that the evil dark lord, then under a different name, had tried to inflict on Larry when Larry was a baby. The dark lord attempted to curse Larry that he would have horrible rotten sores all over his body, the curse backfired, and hit the dark lord, Hence his name, Moldywart. The only physical effect on Larry was the scar
Pissed as in pissed off. Ever since the Evil Dark Lords Christmas party 1983, Moldywart had forsworn alcohol, as the morning after the party he awoke to find himself handcuffed to a large Norwegian rent boy called Lennard. It had taken almost all the power Moldywart could muster to get rid of him, and even now, after years of therapy, he still had flashbacks
At least that was Larry's excuse. Snip maintained that it was because he had given Larry 5 detentions one after the other for masturbating over a Cauldron full of the headmaster's personal Vodka supply
That is, an extremely ugly but wholly recognisable picture of Larry's face in a red circle with a line through it. A truly anti-Larry symbol would have a picture of a piece of Homework on it.
On arriving, Tumbledrawers, now fully dressed in a ripped T-shirt and jeans, asked. "Hey dudes...I just realised...Someone's missing. Larry man, where's Hireamini? Larry and Don looked at each other. I wish to make It clear at this point that neither of them was thinking of using this as an opportunity to enter a room full of scantily clad young ladies, and definitely not to have a quick look at their underwear drawer, oh no, of course not.
"I'll just...go and wake her up..." said Larry, shuffling towards then staircase
Don stood immobile for a couple of seconds, then said, "I think I'll follow him to ... make sure he's alright"
The two then broke into a full-blown run towards the stairs...they may have gotten all the way if Tumbledrawers hadn't called them back down, and sent MacConocal to awake Hireamini. Five minutes later, MacConocal returned, followed by a girl in a tight white shirt which showed her red Lacy bra to full effect and a short skirt with long silky black tights.
(Editors note: Kangaroo Joe will be gone for the next ten minutes taking a healthy cold shower, followed by a brisk long run and a good solid lie down, thinking thoughts of total spiritual purity. Please ignore any drool on the page.)
"Hi guys" she said to Larry and Don.
"Erm...hi Hireamini" said Don
"Yeah...hi" echoed Larry.
Hireamini took offence at this, saying, "Guys, talk to my FACE please".
Ignoring the recent exchange, Tumbledrawers surveyed his troops. "We ready guys? Let's go bust Moldywarts ass!"
Outside, Coin and Moldywart were just standing and staring at each other; not so much as a twitch passing across their faces. Reality, which likes drama, and knows that certain situations require certain effects, was causing rain and the occasional theatrical thunderbolt flashed across in the background.
The Tax Devourers had extracted themselves from various trees lining the background, and were forming a huddled group behind Moldywart. The doors of Oggmorts burst open, and 6 figures strode out into the night. "Moldywart, you evil dude!" cried Tumbledrawers. "Like, begone from Oggmorts this instant. Dude!! This is my pad, man! So like, butt out dude!"
At this point Hireamini turned to Don and Larry and said "My word...I don't believe I have ever been this wet in my life" The lads walked on with their mouths held resolutely shut, each encumbered by images of what they had just heard.
Larry tried to sound heroic none the less. "Don't any of you forget that I am the only one that can defeat Moldywart. Remember Professor Treelawnmowery's prophecy? "Only the arrogant kid with the daft scar shall defeat the one with a major skin care problem". Larry contrived to look smug. As they got closer, they noticed the teenager with the faded blue-ish robes, standing opposite Lord Moldywart. "Dudes!!!" Spake the voice of Tumbledrawers. "What the f-". he got no further, because at this moment another thunderbolt of anti-colour split the sky, and where this one landed an old man stood. Like the youth, his voice contained fearlessness, but unlike the youth, there was no pretence of politeness.
"Right. What the hells goin' on here? And which one of you buggers is Coin?"
For the first time since his arrival the youth's expression lost its edge of calmness. "You are from the disc? Are you a sourcerer?"
The old man moved towards Coin with an expression of grim determination on his face. "My name is Alberto Malich, founder of the Unseen University. I have spent the last 2000 years as the servant of Death. That's why I'm here, cuz your bein' here has caused an imbalance or summit'. You have to return to the disc or the universes will merge!!!!"
Coin nodded. "Then we shall return to the disc" he said, in a calm, level voice. Both mages prepared spoke the incantation that would return them to their home universe...
Then Moldywart drew his wand and said the words of his most powerful spell, one that had been ingrained in the minds of non-magical people because of its soul tearing affects. "Abra Kedabra!!!!" the bolt of dark light shot towards Alberto and Coin, and struck them just as their forms were halfway through the translocation... then they were gone. Moldywart was never sure if he had hit them or not, but as he turned to leave the grounds of Oggmorts, he yelled to the wind and sky (and to everyone else listening) "Larry Otter! We shall not battle this night!! Once again fate has intervened to prevent your demise! But know this.... I shall return and kill you all!!! And with a flash, Moldywart and the Tax Devourers was gone...
The band of witches and wizards from the school stood in the rain for several minutes in shocked silence, until Larry turned to Tumbledrawers and said "Erm... Sir?" Tumbledrawers replied "Yes, little dude?"
Larry looked Tumbledrawers square in the eye and said, "What the hell just happened?"
Which had soaked right through Hireamini's shirt, plastering it to her body, totally clear, given the casual viewer complete visual access to her perfectly sized, perfectly formed luscious tender breasts, just asking to be touched.... (Editors note: Progress on this story will be delayed because Kangaroo Joe will have to spend the next 8 months in a Buddhist colony in Kuala Lumpur, to learn to curb these sexually motivated urges)
Several thousand miles away, in and around a skip, three young men were waking up. One is sprawled across the skip with an expression of near terminal happiness on his face. It will be gone when he wakes up. One is leaning on a nearby dustbin. The third is inside another dustbin. The first to awake is the one in the skip. As predicted, his happiness was short lived. After several minutes of groaning, and numerous false starts, he manages to get out of the skip, walk three steps and throw up into a bin. He falls over and lands on the one sprawled across the bin. The man he falls on wakes up and screams, for all of two seconds, before he realises how severe his headache actually is. He looks up at the man who just fell on him, and says, "Where the hell are we? It's absolutely bloody typical. First party in my life and afterwards I wake up in a bin somewhere I've never been before with a pounding headache." The only reply was a noncommittal grunt, and then a lightning bolt of a colour that only made the hangover worse split the sky in two, and two men landed in a heap on the opposite side of the street. After a muffled conversation, they got up and wandered off. The smaller of the two men currently awake turned to the other and said "Rhodri, is that normal after a hangover?" the other took a minute before he answered. "Could be. Have they got big umbrella lookin' thingies?" the first man stared at the floor for a minute, before replying "No. Definitely not. Couldn't see any. No."
Several minutes went by, when the smaller man said, "By the way, have you seen Snowy?" A groan was heard from the bin that Rhodri had been sick in. "Oh, smeg...Dude, are you ok?" he said.
Several streets away Albert and Coin were witnessing a cauliflower abusing competition.
They were in fact viewing a dramatic confrontation between a powerful witch and a short blond arrogant little man called Cuffy the Turnip Picker. Albert and Coin arrived just in time to hear Cuffy yell "Pillow, No!!!!!". Coin spoke up "Ladies! Can you tell us were we are?" Pillow turned and blasted Coin into a million pieces, and seemed positively shocked that all that happened was Coin blinking and his robe moving slightly as if caught in a gentle breeze. She tried the same to Albert, and looked on in terror as the old man sat down and started rolled a cigarette.
No, not really. This is simply to get your attention. If you are enjoying these images, go see a psychotherapist.
People make common misconceptions about vampires. They believe that they are always human. However, in the town of Cloudyfield there had been a plague of vampiric root vegetables, so Cuffy was drafted in to fight the war between good and evil, in preparation for a battle with a demonic entity known as the Third.
After getting Snowy more or less clean, the Crew had important questions to ask, such as Snowy's "What was the green stuff we drunk last night?" Rhodri's "Who bought the blow up rubber sheep" and Craig's "Wha'?" The answers were respectively "Fairy liquid vodka", "None of us, we nicked it off Dan", and "Shut up".
Several streets away, in a corner shop, Pillow was going frantic. "How? HOW CAN YOU EQUAL MY POWER?" she tried again, and this time managed to knock Albert's rollup out of his mouth. He stared up at Pillow with a look of utter disgust on his face and said in tones that made the voice of his master sound almost friendly "You are going to regret doing that..."
He raised his staff, and the ring of strangely coloured gemstones around the crown of the staff flared for a second, before blasting Pillow backward through a wall. Cuffy repeated the only line that he has said so far in the entire book, which is "Pillow, No!!!!!". He probably doesn't get to say anything else but he should be grateful he gets mentioned at all. I mean, some people would give their right arm to have their name mentioned but...ARGH!!!
(Editors note: Kangaroo Joe has been dragged away for disciplinary action for wasting everyone's time)
Well, anyway... There was an explosion of green light and the rubble around Pillow shot off like shrapnel from a hand grenade. Barely contained crackles of energy outlined the shape of the young woman, and her muscles twitched as she raised her hand to point at Albert. A halo of blue-black light surrounded her hand, and pushed Albert backward through the carefully stacked tins of baked beans behind him. Muffled swearing revealed that Albert was unhurt but that he was unable to move for the minute. In a bid to stop his friend getting further harmed, Cuffy ran up and smacked Coin between the eyes with the handle of his Trowel of Righteousness.
Coin fell the ground with a stunned expression on his face, just as Albert extracted himself from his prison of Baked Beans. Muttering under his breath, he shambled over and knocked out Cuffy with a boney elbow to the temple. Cuffy fell down like a thin, arrogant sack of potatoes. Reaching down, he helped Coin to his feet. Coin blinked at Pillow, catching her in a temporary time freeze. Then once again, there was the flash of anti colour and they were gone.
Picking himself up, Cuffy turned to Pillow and said "Erm...what happens now?"
Pillow stared at him calmly and said "Round about this time a large group of monsters appear and we kick their arse"
"Ok" replied Cuffy calmly.
Meanwhile, several streets away.....
"Hey Snowy..." came a vague muttering from Craig.
"Yeah" replied the now freshly clean Snowy.
"Wouldn't it be cool to be all like... a fella outta the films like?"
"Yeah" said Snowy, warming to the idea. "Kinda like the Terminator, or Rambo".
Rhodri shook his head. "Naaah man. Like that bloke outta that film where he had a long jacket, where he dodged bullets an moved really fast. Or the Crow. He was cool too"
Craig sat silently for a minute then said "I reckon it would be cool to be the guy with the axe out of reign of fire. Or Gimli outta lord of the rings."
It would have to have been a million to one chance, happening in a high magical field. How fortunate that there was a high magical field lying around, needing to be used up...
Cuffy and Pillow stood in the shop for a few minutes, discussing the world and everything in it, calmly awaiting a vampiric horde. One was not short in arriving, and sped around the corner in an agony of blood lust, accompanied by a few vampiric dogs, one or two cats, a budgie and a host of fruit and vegetables, hopping towards the Turnip Picker and his power crazed friend. Finally, behind the wall of vampires, came one small solitary vampire garlic, who felt total self loathing, and lived a nightmare of abject pain and suffering.
The two in the shop readied themselves for combat, Cuffy drawing his Spade of Legend, they prepared to counter charge.
Then in a flash of black, a tallish, moderately built man in a long black coat and a white face flew (no, this is NOT a typo) down and landed in front of the vampiric horde. As he lands, we see the red scorpion icon on the back of his coat. He ducks down, jumping sideways, freezing in mid air, running along a wall and going all kung fu on their arses. One or two of the human vampires had guns, and opened fire on the guy in the coat who leaned back and went all slow-mo, dodging the shots.
A dustbin shot out of a side street opposite suspended in the air by a hail of machine gun fire. A human walked out of the alley, holding an AK74 almost negligibly in his left hand, and a combat shotgun in his right. We have to assume he's human because he checks out as Arms: two. Legs: two. Head: one. Guns: two.
"I am the Termabo," he said. "I will kill you all" walking forwards with stiff knees, opening fire like he has no limit on ammo (this is true; he doesn't. Rambo influence remember?). The vampiric return fire affected him in the same way rain affects a seal.
The split shots of vampires managed to scar the man with the white face, henceforth called Necrow. The blood stained his plain white face, before the wound closed up. The vampires at that moment, possibly for the first time in their unlives, knew fear. Under attack from two men who were apparently unkillable, they simply broke and ran, stepping on the vampiric garlic in their rush to get away. They ran down a side alley, when out of the shadow s stepped a large, well muscled, bearded man, with an open scab red leather coat, and a chest covered in tattoos, who said "it ain't your lucky day is it lads?"
Now we return to the utopian garden, where two men stand facing each other. As we pan closer, we hear the younger one saying "...Idn't get my challenge". The older man looks him square in the eye, and says "A challenge is defeating somebody of equal power to yourself" he raises his staff, and mutters a brief incantation. "Coin" he says, "Let me introduce you to yourself." And then, Alberto Malich left the world of men once more.
AFTERWORD
Coin and his clone fought many battles in their utopian garden, always taking great care not to damage it too much....
Albert returned to being Deaths servant, and one day even convinced his master that he wasn't putting soap in his tea.
Larry Otter went through school and became a Laura, or Dark mage catcher, before being linked to a minor scandal involving weasels.
Don Queasy became a stand up comedian, famed through out the entirety of Britain as a total pillock
Malcolm Tumbledrawers remained headmaster of the school for a further ten years, before quitting to become the new lead singer of Metallica. his most famous interview runs thus: "So, Mr Tumbledrawers, why do you have so much beard?" his reply disgusted thousands, not least the reporter: "Dude, its not all beard... rips open shirt SOME OF ITS CHEST HAIR!!!"
Mrs MacConocal became a film star for a Finnish porn film company and was highly revered by the Catholic Church for a fresh ingress of catholic priests desperate for celibacy. One of her most famous scene involved more or less the entire cast of the Larry Otter section of this story, minus Albert and Coin obviously.
Hireamini became co-star and director with MacConocal...dude, some people are just SICK!!!
Professor Snip didn't do anything in particular
With the invention Wartner, Lord Moldywart became an internationally renowned male model. Many people consider this a worse punishment then the warts.
After the magic wore off, Rhodri, Snowy and Craig continued to be the men in the background in a number of other films and stories, never entirely sure what was going on and usually with immense hangover.
Pillow was eventually calmed down by a man called Manda(his parents had wanted a girl) and aided Cuffy in his battle against the Third.
As previously indicated, Cuffy the Turnip Picker became immersed in a desperate battle against the Third, which was only one because a friend of his, Dike, destroyed himself to summon a Welsh male voice choir. Unable to cope with the strange harmonics released, the third and his minions were utterly destroyed.
Well, it's been a laugh hasn't it...? I mean, you never know. It's just like this other story I recently heard.
God is creating the universe, and has made the stars and comets and meteorites from special materials, then found he didn't have enough to make the planets. So he ended up using packets of sweets. The moral of this story? It takes al-sorts to make a world.
IT'S ALL OVER. GO HOME.
THANKSES TO PEOPLE I WISH TO THANK
Rhodri for inventing Moldywart, editing and doing some other stuff as well; Natasha for doing something I can't quite remember but was probably important; Luke for saying the story was half-decent; Terry Pratchett for inventing Discworld; Some other people who interfered with, I mean aided, my creation; I explicitly would not like to thank Rhys for his constant nit picking, but I suppose I will anyway; I would also like to thank God, Buddha, Allah, Khorne, Vishnu, Offler, Chez and any other Deity who may be within ear shot or who picks up this story. (ALSO DEATH ONE OF THE BEST AT WHAT HE DOES)
Imagine the multiverse... not from the inside, but from the out. See all the universes spiral around each other like, well, things that spiral around each other. Now lets look at two in particular... one, based entirely on rules, apparently made up of numbers, perfectly round, perfectly orderly, perfectly boring.
Now we look at the next, which is shaped like a glass-fishing float made by a glassblower with cerebral palsy and a serious cold. Notice, that one of the strange bumps and protrusions is a much brighter colour then the rest of the......erm...shape.
As the camera of causality pans in, and you enter the incandescent orb, you notice the utopian garden, filled with birds, animals and plants in perfect harmony with each other.
You notice the tower, spearing up through the clouds.
You notice the figure leaving the tower.
He is bored. He wants a challenge.
At least it would have done, if the cameraman wasn't taking a coffee break
Now, using the wonders of modern literature, we move across to another Universal bulge, using a technique similar to that used in films, you know, when you see a dramatic scene and you leave the villain standing there looking stereotypically evil. This lump of universal stuff is coloured black, but with the same sort of sheen as the utopian garden.
As we enter this extension we see that this is a garden as well, but whereas the other garden is brightly coloured and full of life, this garden is coloured in black, and the only life is the solitary raven circling around in the sky, above a cottage. Considering the dark, evil landscape with all the black plants, the cottage seems a bit anti climatic.
In his study, Death was preparing to perform, as he referred to it, THE DUTY, after gathering the metaphorical hourglasses, and sharpening his scythe. Suddenly he looks up. His face, by tradition a grinning skull, nevertheless looks worried. He detected a discord in the world. ALBERT he called, in a voice like a lead ball falling onto a slab of stone. A door opens, and an elderly man, who appears to be made entirely out of knuckles walks across the miles of space to Deaths desk, mainly by not knowing that it was there. "Yes master. Want some more tea?"
Death paused. YOU DON'T MEAN MORE CAMOMILE DO YOU? I DON'T AGREE WITH DRINKING SOAP. Albert sighed. "Listen, master, I keep telling you, it's not soap, its just something they put in soap. You can put in tea as well!"
ARE YOU SURE? Death was overcome with curiosity.
"Yes, master!!!!!" said Albert, barely controlling his temper.
Death shook himself. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT THERE HAS BEEN A DISCORD. SOMETHING HAS EXITED OUR UNIVERSE. YOU MUST INVESTIGATE, ALBERT. I AM BOUND TO THIS UNIVERSE. THERE IS NO-ONE ELSE TO SOLVE THIS CRISIS. HIS LEAVING HAS CAUSED A LINK BETWEEN OUR UNIVERSE AND ANOTHER. IF THIS LINK IS NOT REMOVED, OUR UNIVERSES WILL MERGE, AND BOTH WORLDS WILL CEASE TO BE AS THEY WERE.
Albert's voice took on a tone of forced good nature "Now master, you know I cannot go into the world. I have no time."
I WILL GIVE YOU TIME, GIVEN TO ME BY RENETA FLITWORTH. 2 WEEKS WORTH
All good nature, forced or otherwise had left Albert's voice. "But what about the other wizards, or that old Granny Weatherwax, or your granddaughter?"
OTHER WIZARDS ARE NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DO THIS. YOU KNOW THAT. WITCH MAGIC COULD HAVE SOME EFFECT BUT THEY HAVE NO WAY OF GETTING THERE IN TIME. AND YOU KNOW I CANNOT INVOLVE MY GRANDDAUGHTER IN THIS. SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
Albert had by now decided that there were no excuses left. "Ok, ok, if I must. But what exactly do I have to do? Who is this bugger anyway?"
Death turned away from Albert to face the door to the life timer room.
HIS NAME IS COIN. HE IS A SOURCERER. HE LEFT OUR WORLD FIVE YEARS AGO BECAUSE HE DIDN'T THINK THE WORLD WAS READY FOR SOMEONE OF HIS IMMENSE MAGICAL POWER. ALL OTHER SOURCERERS ARE DEAD. YOU, AS THE FOUNDER OF UNSEEN UNIVERSITY ARE THE ONLY ONE WITH THE POWER TO STOP HIM.
YOU MUST RETURN TO UNSEEN UNIVERSITY AND RECOVER YOUR STAFF.
Death turned at the sound of a thunderclap. Albert had gone.
Now we enter the universe of rules.....
A small group of men in long black robes (with an attractive gold leaf insignia) gather in a large forest bordering onto a castle...... the half moon floats in the sky allowing them to see without being seen. Their leader, a thing, scrawny looking creature, who resembles a corpse, touches his left arm above the elbow. He waits for a minute and then with a selection of pops the area is full of the men in black robes. They bow to the corpse like man, and the say things like "thank you my lord". He is that sort of person. His name is John Needa Piddle The evil Dark Lord (There's always one). He is not a nice man.
"Now my loyal Tax Devourers, the time has come to remove all those who are not true to the ideals of true wizardhood. Tonight, we remove that fool Malcolm Tumbledrawers from this world and kill all those moggle scum as well. Attack Oggmorts!!!!"
The men in the black robes (and gold leaf) advanced on the castle... And a thunderbolt of anti-colour spilt the sky.
Where it struck, a boy in his mid-teens stood, holding what appeared to be a metal pole. He had eyes of impossible piercing blue that seemed to gaze right through you, and short blonde hair. His arms were scrawny, but when he spoke there was a strange air of fearlessness and power. "I am told that you are a powerful mage on this world. I want a challenge"
Not white or black, but a sort of hole in the sky that made your eyeballs ache
There was a sound like a thunderclap, and Albert appeared in a cellar. The cellar was one of the numerous and extensive cellars that languished beneath Unseen University, the Discs premier college of magic. He muttered slightly at the minor navigational error, and disappeared again.
He arrived this time in an office, most of which was taken up by a pool table. In the corner however, there was a hat balanced on the edge of a pole. Albert recognised the pole as being his staff of power, and was incensed with rage. If he wasn't in such a hurry, he would have made the owner of this office suffer, but as it was, he simply grabbed his staff and teleported out.
Five minutes later the door was opened by a wizard in his 70's who turned around and screamed "BURSAR!!! WHERE THE HELL IS MY HATSTAND!!!!"
Lord Moldywart stared at the youth with an expression of mixed shock and amusement. "You wish to challenge me? Fool!" he turned to his minions. "Kill him."
The youth smiled. "I think not" and with a gesture of his hand sent the Tax Devourers flying.
This sent Moldywart into spasms of anger, and in the castle outside which they were standing, a boy awoke...
He grabbed his contact lenses (which made his eyes look purple) and jumped out of bed. He threw on his cloak, grabbed his racing mop and his magic wand, and woke a boy in the bed across from him. "Don! Wake up" he said, while shaken the sleeping body of his friend, Don Queasy. "Moldywart is here". The boy with the contact lenses is called Larry Otter, and he is one of those annoying people who has been touched by destiny, you know, those that get amazing opportunities handed to them simply due to the fact that they've been singled out by fate.
Don looked up. The name of the Dark Evil Lord shook him out of his drowsiness. "Wha'? Him? Here? How do you know, Larry?" Larry reached up and prodded his forehead, on which was a scar in the shape of the British rail logo . "How do you think you twat? An enormous green inflatable giraffe wandered into the dormitory and told me." Don looked on in puzzlement "So it wasn't the scar this time?" Larry rolled his eyes. "Its not important. We need to go tell Tumbledrawers". The two of them left there dormitory and headed for Tumbledrawers office. They stopped at the statue commemorating a famous Gnome rock band, and Larry leaned over to the gnome urinating into his drum kit and whispered "Let me in you bastard". A minute voice replied "Fuck you bitch" and the wall temporarily disappeared. Larry and Don wandered into the office, and found Tumbledrawers in the unappealing position of jumping up and down on his bed in his underwear, head banging to the sound of Slayer "Reign in blood". Larry turned off the CD player and prodded Tumbledrawers with the racing mop he had taken from his dormitory (most mages used conventional bucket mops, but Larry's was a Thunderball, which looked like one of those mops that drags dust towards itself). Tumbledrawers stopped playing air guitar and looked muzzily at Larry and Don. "What's up dudes?" he asked, in his twenty years out of date cool voice attempt. "Moldywart is back." Larry told him. "He is here, and he is pissed." Tumbledrawers nodded. "Scars up again, right little dude?" "Erm, yes," said Larry, in the vaguely confused voice he always used when the headmaster was talking. At this point Don cut in "You told me that an inflatable giraffe told you!" Larry's response was to slap Don across the ear for being an idiot. The red 'tiger stripe' effect on Dons ears made him quite a fashion icon at the school
Tumbledrawers appeared not to notice. "Dudes, this is serious" he said. "If Moldywart is attackin', we gotta round up da Posse!!!! Larry, you shimmy on down an get Professor Snip, Don, you go and prod MacConocal." Larry and Don both fell silent, both feeling that they had the worst deal. MacConocal was even older then Tumbledrawers, shaped like a conical flask, and was known to sleep in the nude. Where as Snip had a bad temper with all students ever since Larry had given him a magical vasectomy in his first year, believing that he was a follower of Moldywart. Feeling vindictive, Larry asked Tumbledrawers what he would be doing. "Dude!?!?!?" was Tumbledrawers shocked response. "I'll be psyching my self up for the confrontation, with some hardcore headbanging! See you at the main entrance"
Larry and Don left Tumbledrawers playing air guitar and moved towards the teachers sleeping quarters. When they got to the split between the MacConocal's and Snip's rooms, they looked at each other and mutually shuddered. Larry took the left-hand fork to Snips room, and knocked on the forbiddingly shaped door, with the notices saying "Students out!" and "Larry Otter will be prosecuted". Snip opened the door wearing a T-shirt with an Anti-Larry symbol on the front. He seemed less then pleased about being disturbed, and even angrier about being disturbed by Larry Otter. "What do you want, Otter?" we said, his voice being one step away from being a direct insult. Larry had learned not to pay any attention to Snip's bad moods, so he spoke calmly and rationally. "Moldywart is back. He's outside. Tumbledrawers me to summon you." Snip retched at Larry's mentioning of the Dark Lords name (most people did, when they considered what the name actually meant) and reached behind the door for his trousers and wand, and followed Larry back down the staff quarters corridor. On the corner they met Don, who was looking white as a sheet, and a life form that could only have been a women, because no sculptor would create a sculpture that disturbing. Don mouthed the words "She was naked" to Larry, and they had another communal shudder. Together they headed to the main entrance to meet up with Tumbledrawers...
This scar was the result of a curse that the evil dark lord, then under a different name, had tried to inflict on Larry when Larry was a baby. The dark lord attempted to curse Larry that he would have horrible rotten sores all over his body, the curse backfired, and hit the dark lord, Hence his name, Moldywart. The only physical effect on Larry was the scar
Pissed as in pissed off. Ever since the Evil Dark Lords Christmas party 1983, Moldywart had forsworn alcohol, as the morning after the party he awoke to find himself handcuffed to a large Norwegian rent boy called Lennard. It had taken almost all the power Moldywart could muster to get rid of him, and even now, after years of therapy, he still had flashbacks
At least that was Larry's excuse. Snip maintained that it was because he had given Larry 5 detentions one after the other for masturbating over a Cauldron full of the headmaster's personal Vodka supply
That is, an extremely ugly but wholly recognisable picture of Larry's face in a red circle with a line through it. A truly anti-Larry symbol would have a picture of a piece of Homework on it.
On arriving, Tumbledrawers, now fully dressed in a ripped T-shirt and jeans, asked. "Hey dudes...I just realised...Someone's missing. Larry man, where's Hireamini? Larry and Don looked at each other. I wish to make It clear at this point that neither of them was thinking of using this as an opportunity to enter a room full of scantily clad young ladies, and definitely not to have a quick look at their underwear drawer, oh no, of course not.
"I'll just...go and wake her up..." said Larry, shuffling towards then staircase
Don stood immobile for a couple of seconds, then said, "I think I'll follow him to ... make sure he's alright"
The two then broke into a full-blown run towards the stairs...they may have gotten all the way if Tumbledrawers hadn't called them back down, and sent MacConocal to awake Hireamini. Five minutes later, MacConocal returned, followed by a girl in a tight white shirt which showed her red Lacy bra to full effect and a short skirt with long silky black tights.
(Editors note: Kangaroo Joe will be gone for the next ten minutes taking a healthy cold shower, followed by a brisk long run and a good solid lie down, thinking thoughts of total spiritual purity. Please ignore any drool on the page.)
"Hi guys" she said to Larry and Don.
"Erm...hi Hireamini" said Don
"Yeah...hi" echoed Larry.
Hireamini took offence at this, saying, "Guys, talk to my FACE please".
Ignoring the recent exchange, Tumbledrawers surveyed his troops. "We ready guys? Let's go bust Moldywarts ass!"
Outside, Coin and Moldywart were just standing and staring at each other; not so much as a twitch passing across their faces. Reality, which likes drama, and knows that certain situations require certain effects, was causing rain and the occasional theatrical thunderbolt flashed across in the background.
The Tax Devourers had extracted themselves from various trees lining the background, and were forming a huddled group behind Moldywart. The doors of Oggmorts burst open, and 6 figures strode out into the night. "Moldywart, you evil dude!" cried Tumbledrawers. "Like, begone from Oggmorts this instant. Dude!! This is my pad, man! So like, butt out dude!"
At this point Hireamini turned to Don and Larry and said "My word...I don't believe I have ever been this wet in my life" The lads walked on with their mouths held resolutely shut, each encumbered by images of what they had just heard.
Larry tried to sound heroic none the less. "Don't any of you forget that I am the only one that can defeat Moldywart. Remember Professor Treelawnmowery's prophecy? "Only the arrogant kid with the daft scar shall defeat the one with a major skin care problem". Larry contrived to look smug. As they got closer, they noticed the teenager with the faded blue-ish robes, standing opposite Lord Moldywart. "Dudes!!!" Spake the voice of Tumbledrawers. "What the f-". he got no further, because at this moment another thunderbolt of anti-colour split the sky, and where this one landed an old man stood. Like the youth, his voice contained fearlessness, but unlike the youth, there was no pretence of politeness.
"Right. What the hells goin' on here? And which one of you buggers is Coin?"
For the first time since his arrival the youth's expression lost its edge of calmness. "You are from the disc? Are you a sourcerer?"
The old man moved towards Coin with an expression of grim determination on his face. "My name is Alberto Malich, founder of the Unseen University. I have spent the last 2000 years as the servant of Death. That's why I'm here, cuz your bein' here has caused an imbalance or summit'. You have to return to the disc or the universes will merge!!!!"
Coin nodded. "Then we shall return to the disc" he said, in a calm, level voice. Both mages prepared spoke the incantation that would return them to their home universe...
Then Moldywart drew his wand and said the words of his most powerful spell, one that had been ingrained in the minds of non-magical people because of its soul tearing affects. "Abra Kedabra!!!!" the bolt of dark light shot towards Alberto and Coin, and struck them just as their forms were halfway through the translocation... then they were gone. Moldywart was never sure if he had hit them or not, but as he turned to leave the grounds of Oggmorts, he yelled to the wind and sky (and to everyone else listening) "Larry Otter! We shall not battle this night!! Once again fate has intervened to prevent your demise! But know this.... I shall return and kill you all!!! And with a flash, Moldywart and the Tax Devourers was gone...
The band of witches and wizards from the school stood in the rain for several minutes in shocked silence, until Larry turned to Tumbledrawers and said "Erm... Sir?" Tumbledrawers replied "Yes, little dude?"
Larry looked Tumbledrawers square in the eye and said, "What the hell just happened?"
Which had soaked right through Hireamini's shirt, plastering it to her body, totally clear, given the casual viewer complete visual access to her perfectly sized, perfectly formed luscious tender breasts, just asking to be touched.... (Editors note: Progress on this story will be delayed because Kangaroo Joe will have to spend the next 8 months in a Buddhist colony in Kuala Lumpur, to learn to curb these sexually motivated urges)
Several thousand miles away, in and around a skip, three young men were waking up. One is sprawled across the skip with an expression of near terminal happiness on his face. It will be gone when he wakes up. One is leaning on a nearby dustbin. The third is inside another dustbin. The first to awake is the one in the skip. As predicted, his happiness was short lived. After several minutes of groaning, and numerous false starts, he manages to get out of the skip, walk three steps and throw up into a bin. He falls over and lands on the one sprawled across the bin. The man he falls on wakes up and screams, for all of two seconds, before he realises how severe his headache actually is. He looks up at the man who just fell on him, and says, "Where the hell are we? It's absolutely bloody typical. First party in my life and afterwards I wake up in a bin somewhere I've never been before with a pounding headache." The only reply was a noncommittal grunt, and then a lightning bolt of a colour that only made the hangover worse split the sky in two, and two men landed in a heap on the opposite side of the street. After a muffled conversation, they got up and wandered off. The smaller of the two men currently awake turned to the other and said "Rhodri, is that normal after a hangover?" the other took a minute before he answered. "Could be. Have they got big umbrella lookin' thingies?" the first man stared at the floor for a minute, before replying "No. Definitely not. Couldn't see any. No."
Several minutes went by, when the smaller man said, "By the way, have you seen Snowy?" A groan was heard from the bin that Rhodri had been sick in. "Oh, smeg...Dude, are you ok?" he said.
Several streets away Albert and Coin were witnessing a cauliflower abusing competition.
They were in fact viewing a dramatic confrontation between a powerful witch and a short blond arrogant little man called Cuffy the Turnip Picker. Albert and Coin arrived just in time to hear Cuffy yell "Pillow, No!!!!!". Coin spoke up "Ladies! Can you tell us were we are?" Pillow turned and blasted Coin into a million pieces, and seemed positively shocked that all that happened was Coin blinking and his robe moving slightly as if caught in a gentle breeze. She tried the same to Albert, and looked on in terror as the old man sat down and started rolled a cigarette.
No, not really. This is simply to get your attention. If you are enjoying these images, go see a psychotherapist.
People make common misconceptions about vampires. They believe that they are always human. However, in the town of Cloudyfield there had been a plague of vampiric root vegetables, so Cuffy was drafted in to fight the war between good and evil, in preparation for a battle with a demonic entity known as the Third.
After getting Snowy more or less clean, the Crew had important questions to ask, such as Snowy's "What was the green stuff we drunk last night?" Rhodri's "Who bought the blow up rubber sheep" and Craig's "Wha'?" The answers were respectively "Fairy liquid vodka", "None of us, we nicked it off Dan", and "Shut up".
Several streets away, in a corner shop, Pillow was going frantic. "How? HOW CAN YOU EQUAL MY POWER?" she tried again, and this time managed to knock Albert's rollup out of his mouth. He stared up at Pillow with a look of utter disgust on his face and said in tones that made the voice of his master sound almost friendly "You are going to regret doing that..."
He raised his staff, and the ring of strangely coloured gemstones around the crown of the staff flared for a second, before blasting Pillow backward through a wall. Cuffy repeated the only line that he has said so far in the entire book, which is "Pillow, No!!!!!". He probably doesn't get to say anything else but he should be grateful he gets mentioned at all. I mean, some people would give their right arm to have their name mentioned but...ARGH!!!
(Editors note: Kangaroo Joe has been dragged away for disciplinary action for wasting everyone's time)
Well, anyway... There was an explosion of green light and the rubble around Pillow shot off like shrapnel from a hand grenade. Barely contained crackles of energy outlined the shape of the young woman, and her muscles twitched as she raised her hand to point at Albert. A halo of blue-black light surrounded her hand, and pushed Albert backward through the carefully stacked tins of baked beans behind him. Muffled swearing revealed that Albert was unhurt but that he was unable to move for the minute. In a bid to stop his friend getting further harmed, Cuffy ran up and smacked Coin between the eyes with the handle of his Trowel of Righteousness.
Coin fell the ground with a stunned expression on his face, just as Albert extracted himself from his prison of Baked Beans. Muttering under his breath, he shambled over and knocked out Cuffy with a boney elbow to the temple. Cuffy fell down like a thin, arrogant sack of potatoes. Reaching down, he helped Coin to his feet. Coin blinked at Pillow, catching her in a temporary time freeze. Then once again, there was the flash of anti colour and they were gone.
Picking himself up, Cuffy turned to Pillow and said "Erm...what happens now?"
Pillow stared at him calmly and said "Round about this time a large group of monsters appear and we kick their arse"
"Ok" replied Cuffy calmly.
Meanwhile, several streets away.....
"Hey Snowy..." came a vague muttering from Craig.
"Yeah" replied the now freshly clean Snowy.
"Wouldn't it be cool to be all like... a fella outta the films like?"
"Yeah" said Snowy, warming to the idea. "Kinda like the Terminator, or Rambo".
Rhodri shook his head. "Naaah man. Like that bloke outta that film where he had a long jacket, where he dodged bullets an moved really fast. Or the Crow. He was cool too"
Craig sat silently for a minute then said "I reckon it would be cool to be the guy with the axe out of reign of fire. Or Gimli outta lord of the rings."
It would have to have been a million to one chance, happening in a high magical field. How fortunate that there was a high magical field lying around, needing to be used up...
Cuffy and Pillow stood in the shop for a few minutes, discussing the world and everything in it, calmly awaiting a vampiric horde. One was not short in arriving, and sped around the corner in an agony of blood lust, accompanied by a few vampiric dogs, one or two cats, a budgie and a host of fruit and vegetables, hopping towards the Turnip Picker and his power crazed friend. Finally, behind the wall of vampires, came one small solitary vampire garlic, who felt total self loathing, and lived a nightmare of abject pain and suffering.
The two in the shop readied themselves for combat, Cuffy drawing his Spade of Legend, they prepared to counter charge.
Then in a flash of black, a tallish, moderately built man in a long black coat and a white face flew (no, this is NOT a typo) down and landed in front of the vampiric horde. As he lands, we see the red scorpion icon on the back of his coat. He ducks down, jumping sideways, freezing in mid air, running along a wall and going all kung fu on their arses. One or two of the human vampires had guns, and opened fire on the guy in the coat who leaned back and went all slow-mo, dodging the shots.
A dustbin shot out of a side street opposite suspended in the air by a hail of machine gun fire. A human walked out of the alley, holding an AK74 almost negligibly in his left hand, and a combat shotgun in his right. We have to assume he's human because he checks out as Arms: two. Legs: two. Head: one. Guns: two.
"I am the Termabo," he said. "I will kill you all" walking forwards with stiff knees, opening fire like he has no limit on ammo (this is true; he doesn't. Rambo influence remember?). The vampiric return fire affected him in the same way rain affects a seal.
The split shots of vampires managed to scar the man with the white face, henceforth called Necrow. The blood stained his plain white face, before the wound closed up. The vampires at that moment, possibly for the first time in their unlives, knew fear. Under attack from two men who were apparently unkillable, they simply broke and ran, stepping on the vampiric garlic in their rush to get away. They ran down a side alley, when out of the shadow s stepped a large, well muscled, bearded man, with an open scab red leather coat, and a chest covered in tattoos, who said "it ain't your lucky day is it lads?"
Now we return to the utopian garden, where two men stand facing each other. As we pan closer, we hear the younger one saying "...Idn't get my challenge". The older man looks him square in the eye, and says "A challenge is defeating somebody of equal power to yourself" he raises his staff, and mutters a brief incantation. "Coin" he says, "Let me introduce you to yourself." And then, Alberto Malich left the world of men once more.
AFTERWORD
Coin and his clone fought many battles in their utopian garden, always taking great care not to damage it too much....
Albert returned to being Deaths servant, and one day even convinced his master that he wasn't putting soap in his tea.
Larry Otter went through school and became a Laura, or Dark mage catcher, before being linked to a minor scandal involving weasels.
Don Queasy became a stand up comedian, famed through out the entirety of Britain as a total pillock
Malcolm Tumbledrawers remained headmaster of the school for a further ten years, before quitting to become the new lead singer of Metallica. his most famous interview runs thus: "So, Mr Tumbledrawers, why do you have so much beard?" his reply disgusted thousands, not least the reporter: "Dude, its not all beard... rips open shirt SOME OF ITS CHEST HAIR!!!"
Mrs MacConocal became a film star for a Finnish porn film company and was highly revered by the Catholic Church for a fresh ingress of catholic priests desperate for celibacy. One of her most famous scene involved more or less the entire cast of the Larry Otter section of this story, minus Albert and Coin obviously.
Hireamini became co-star and director with MacConocal...dude, some people are just SICK!!!
Professor Snip didn't do anything in particular
With the invention Wartner, Lord Moldywart became an internationally renowned male model. Many people consider this a worse punishment then the warts.
After the magic wore off, Rhodri, Snowy and Craig continued to be the men in the background in a number of other films and stories, never entirely sure what was going on and usually with immense hangover.
Pillow was eventually calmed down by a man called Manda(his parents had wanted a girl) and aided Cuffy in his battle against the Third.
As previously indicated, Cuffy the Turnip Picker became immersed in a desperate battle against the Third, which was only one because a friend of his, Dike, destroyed himself to summon a Welsh male voice choir. Unable to cope with the strange harmonics released, the third and his minions were utterly destroyed.
Well, it's been a laugh hasn't it...? I mean, you never know. It's just like this other story I recently heard.
God is creating the universe, and has made the stars and comets and meteorites from special materials, then found he didn't have enough to make the planets. So he ended up using packets of sweets. The moral of this story? It takes al-sorts to make a world.
IT'S ALL OVER. GO HOME.
THANKSES TO PEOPLE I WISH TO THANK
Rhodri for inventing Moldywart, editing and doing some other stuff as well; Natasha for doing something I can't quite remember but was probably important; Luke for saying the story was half-decent; Terry Pratchett for inventing Discworld; Some other people who interfered with, I mean aided, my creation; I explicitly would not like to thank Rhys for his constant nit picking, but I suppose I will anyway; I would also like to thank God, Buddha, Allah, Khorne, Vishnu, Offler, Chez and any other Deity who may be within ear shot or who picks up this story. (ALSO DEATH ONE OF THE BEST AT WHAT HE DOES)