It was surreal.
The silence.
The candles.
The light perfume that permeated the air. Whispering to the senses.
Smoke playing tag with the air bathed in golden light.
He wishes it was like this for eternity.
Never ending bliss and serenity.
Here there were no dark thoughts.
No pain.
No stress.
God how he wanted to stay like this forever.
'Don't go. I can't do this on my own. Don't go. I can't do this on my own.'
He didn't want to do this alone anymore.
His friends said they would be there no matter what.
As truthful as that is he can't tell them.
He has to keep this to himself.
He doesn't want to hurt anyone.
God please don't let him hurt anyone.
'I don't know what it was that made a piece of him die. Took a boy to the forest slaughtered him with a scythe. Stamped on his face an impression in the dirt. Do you think the silence makes a good man convert?'
He stays wrapped in silence.
A quiet shroud of ignorance and calm covering a mess chaos and destruction.
'We all have our horrors and our demons to fight but how can I win when I'm paralyzed. They crawl up on my bed wrap their fingers around my throat. Is this what I get for the choices that I've made?'
He fought with his demons constantly.
Needing some semblance of control.
Something solid to grasp.
Something more than broken promises and suggested methods of controlling the anxiety that bubbled in him every fucking time he had to do anything because what he tried just didn't work and God please stop please please stop.
'God forgive me for all my sins. God forgive me for everything.'
The voice that sounds somewhat like a distorted version of hers whispers things in his ear.
He's not sure if he can ignore it for much longer.
'Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night. I can't live with myself so stay with me tonight.'
Please.
Please he knows he can't do this.
He says he can but he can't and he needs help and he doesn't know how to ask for it.
'If I let you in you'd just want out. If I told you the truth you'd fight for a lie. If I spilled my guts. It would make a mess we can't clean up. If you follow me you would only get lost. If you tried to get closer we'd only lose touch. But you already know too much and you're not going anywhere.'
He'll sit in his silent chaos.
A cloak of light to mask the darkness with the hope that one day the light may finally overtake the dark and he can finally feel bright.
He can finally feel like he's worth something more than that one boy you occasionally talk to when you check your answers in class because that's what he's there for, right?
'Tell me that you need me cause I love you so much. Tell me that you need me cause I love you so much. Tell me that you love me cause I need you so much. Say you'll never leave me cause I need you so much.'
He doesn't want to be used anymore.
'I was raised in the valley there was shadows and death. Got out alive but with scars I can't forget. This kid back in school. Subdued and shy. An orphan and a brother went unseen by both eyes.'
He's quiet.
He's obedient.
He's suffering.
'Don't go. Don't go. Don't go.'