-I Remember, Big Brother-

Look at your baby brother now, huh? Never thought I'd risk my life like this did you Liam? And in water of all things! Remember that time you pushed me in the swimming pool, you little sod! I was at least eight! I was scared of water for years. You called me a baby. And that's where that bloody name began. Baby Brother. You never stopped calling me that no matter how many times I snapped at you to. Anyway I never went near water again. Until dad taught me that is. I remember that holiday. We fought over which room to have in the caravan and you gave me a black eye. How stupid we were. To fight over such an unimportant thing.

But the fighting got worse didn't it, big brother? And there were more important things to worry about beside which girl we both had a crush on or what present we both seemed to want. This wasn't like the time you called me 'Charles' and I smacked you one. It was much darker.

I remember the day you came to me. I was packing up my stuff ready to leave home at last when you dropped a bombshell on me, "You're coming with me, baby brother. We're starting a band!"

You were following your dream as it seemed. Or my dream. I remember having a go at you because I was so damn sure you were copying me. You knew I loved music. I was obsessed with my piano until you sold it, you ponce! I'm just kidding, Liam. I understand now. You love Karen and Megan and I hope you remain together forever with your family.

It's a shame I can't have the same fate.

For a while we had a pretty good thing going. And we were happy. But things changed, didn't they big brother.

I remember, Liam the day I walked in on you. High. You had your arm around some strange woman. Said you met her at practise. Said you were good friends. Bollocks. You were high on drugs and fooling around with some stranger. I was almost sick at what you had become. And I remember how I walked right back out that room without saying another word. I slammed the door and swore I would never ever end up like you.

But you know that wasn't to be, don't you.

The hatred between us grew and you were no longer my older brother, my friend. You were a complete stranger. Pocessed by those damn drugs. They controlled you. And I remember when you told me it was likely you wouldn't live past thirty. And you gave me the ring that I seemed to refuse to take off. But now, Liam I'm the one who isn't going to live past thirty. I'm the one who won't get to wear the ring now. And I'm the one who won't see their family grow.

It's ironic really.

I remember, dear big brother when I looked down on you. Pitied you. I didn't understand what the hell was wrong with you. What were you thinking? I remember finding you high on the sofa. Made me sick to my stomach. You may not have noticed but I worried about you, Liam! Every day! You were always in my prayers although I knew I would never be in yours. Sometimes I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even bring myself to look at you. You bloody scared me for a while. You angered me. And I also remember when I found you passed out in the street by our flat and I called an ambulance and knelt down beside you calling your name because I thought you were going to finally lose your life to that evil poison! And I remember-I cried that night because I thought I had lost you forever.

But it wasn't long until I followed you down that dark path was it, big brother?

I don't know, I was a fool. We were both fools. For a while I came round to your way of thinking. Tomorrow I could get knocked down by a sodding bus so what's the harm? But you know it caused plenty of harm. It cost us our friendship. Our dignity.

And I remember, I almost pulled out several times. To leave the band. But I wasn't just leaving the band. I was leaving you and you knew it. So when you heard us on the radio that cold, rainy day I watched your face brighten and I mimicked your grin. Because your baby brother was staying. And you picked me up and swirled me around, you soppy git! Just 'cause I'm smaller than you! And I remember the thrill knowing I wasn't completely useless and hearing our creation being broadcasted out to the country. It was such a wonderful feeling.

But us Pace's know more then anything such feeling's don't last long.

I sat there after our little argument. We always argued, I know. Mostly about you and your stupid habit of caring more about yourself and your damn drugs then the music and the band. You cared for the fame and the thrill. That was never important to me. But to you it meant the world. And after I sat there sobbing because you were right- I was a small spec surrounded by bright lights. I was nothing. But then I found your heroin stash that you had tried so little to hide and I took it in my hands thinking about how small and weak I had let myself become. I had tried to be the good one. The smart one. The strong one. And I was the one who tried to influence you and I was the brother who pulled you back when you got angry. But I was brought down by my own lack in confidence. And I sank to the bottom and joined you. We both became junkies. Craving for the sweet escape of that bitter powder.

But it wasn't all I thought it would be. Sure, I guess it was fun for a while. The things I cared and worried for before seemed to vanish. we were released, free. And we just stayed up all night in our drunken haze. Our minds blurred by the heroin. But I knew that feeling of calm wouldn't last. And it wasn't long before our lives took a turn for the worse.

You left. The one person I could share my pain and understanding with. Gone. Along with the piano you knew I loved. I wrote some damn good songs on that. I hope it's being looked after well. I was surpised when you told me you were clean. In fact it made me angry. I had the choice to leave you and I stayed. And now you were leaving me. Free and pure. I was so overcome by jealousy and spite I couldn't even be happy for you. And when you left I was forced to make friends in the unlikely of places. They encouraged my drug problem. They made me feel like a somebody sometimes. So I kept on with the habit and I remember we had panic attacks whenever we ran out.

But there was always a solution.

I became such a bad person. I'm suprised God let me in to his house. The house I believed I belonged to before all this began. I stole, Liam. From people I care about. I was that desperate to get a fix and I mucked up every good chance I got. I had oppurtunities to move on and make something of myself. But of course I buggered it up somehow.

I remember, big brother how when I was all alone I only craved those drugs. It had gotten so bad. I had no one. And I was all alone in that empty flat, possessions gone, no friends, no family. All I had was my guitar. I would have never sold my guitar no matter how bad things got. And I remember I used to just sit there on the floor alone for hours rocking back and fourth in the dark wondering what the meaning of life was and what my purpose on Earth was. Because we both know I was pretty useless.

But then a light shone down. A sign from God, or wherever. A second chance! A chance to redeem! A wonderful chance to reunite Driveshaft! Reunite us! Because let's face it brother, we were only ever close when we played music together.

But you didn't want to. You didn't want to return and you didn't want to be in the band with me anymore. I took it personally and when you found out I was still using I felt ashamed and embarassed. I know you only wanted to help but I was so angry and scarred. I thought you were trying to release some guilt. I was still messed up. Jealous and hurt that you were clean and YOU were the one now looking down on ME. And I have to say, big brother-I'm sorry. I should have stayed and let you help me because I know now you did care. But I got frustrated and I left in a fit of anger.

And I boarded that plane.

That damn plane I had hated myself for boarding for so long. But it seemed boarding that plane was the best thing I ever did! And I'll tell you why, Liam:

I found a purpose.

I was brought down to Earth to help the people I crashed with. And yeah, there were times I fell and felt pretty useless again. But the most wonderful things have happened, Liam! I don't know where to begin. I'll start from the top. Like a well written song if you will.

I made some good friends. Non-drug addicted ones at that. It had been so long since I had friends. Let alone ones that weren't hooked on drugs. It was...refreshing. To be around people that liked me for me. As a mate. Not their drug buddy. Not some washed up rockstar to share hits with. But I still had that terrible secret. And I remember how much I despised lying to them and sneaking off for a fix. But then something amazing happened.

I'm not a junkie anymore, Big brother.

It was hard, I'll admit. How you got through it is beyond me. I know I carried on with the stupid habit longer but still, you must have been strong to give it up. And on your own. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate that. But deep down I was proud really. Like I hope you're proud of me. Because the Pace brothers are clean! Well, I suppose there's only one of us now.

There's more.

I met a girl. Claire. Young, beautiful, smart, caring (and Australian actually). She gave birth to a wonderful baby boy after the crash. Aaron. I liked to think of myself as his dad. Isn't that crazy? Me? A dad? I guess it was strange to you when you became a father too. How times change, brother. How they change indeed.

You know I'm not usually the soppy type. But I had really changed since the last time you saw me. I was protecting someone. I belonged to a family. I've never actually loved anyone before. I guess you knew that. One night stands was me. I didn't deserve anyone really.But this girl-she was different. Since the very first time I saw her I knew I had to take care of her. And I knew I belonged to her. I knew I would fall in love with her. And that's exactly what happened.

I would have done anything for her. And I did...

Don't be sad big brother! I'm sorry! It had to happen sometime, didn't it? We always suspected I would die young anyway. But it wasn't for the reason we thought. I hope you're not crying. I never made you cry. It always seemed to be the other way around. Please don't be sad. Let me tell you how it happened. Let me finish my story and maybe you'll finally be proud of your baby brother!

I drowned. Wait, don't be angry. Or sad. Let me finish. I chose to go down to that hatch. All I had to do was figure out a code and flick a switch. And being the 'genius' I was, I did. Hopefully, I died saving everyone. Yeah, I hope that'll happen soon. Rescue. I'll tell you how that goes, bro.

Fate decided to take me, Liam. So don't blame anyone. It was supposed to happen. And all those times I sat alone in darkness biting my nails and undulging in drugs wondering what my purpose was-It was a waste of time. Because I now know my purpose was to die this way. To be the hero for once in my pathetic life. To sort myself out and save everyone. To save her... Besides, I'm still here aren't I? Kind of. I wish you could talk to me though. See me now. See who I became.

But I remember telling Desmond, my Scottish pal, that memories...they're all I have. And I have so many bad ones. But so many good ones too. Bad things happen but good things as well. My death may seem bad but it was a good thing. A sacrifice. Hey, it's better then a drug overdose or getting hit by a bus, right?

Do you remember, Liam? All those good memories? I hope you do. Forget the bloody fights and the damn drug abuse. Maybe even forget the band. If you can that is! Do you remember us, Liam? How we used to be? I wish we had gotten back to that before my time on Earth was up. But I guess that wasn't to be.

Do you remember how close we were as kids? All those fun games we used to play?

Do you remember that terrible storm when we were much younger? I was so scared and you gave me your coat and looked after me. I then realised you were a good brother. You did care.

Do you remember my 18th birthday when we went out drinking all night? No drugs even needed. And we drove from club to club in dad's car. Best bloody birthday ever.

Do you remember our first gig? The crowd went crazy! Most fun I had in ages!

Do you remember that time we went on that road trip together? We just drove for hours on end laughing and joking.

I hope you remember, big brother. And keep these memories with you at all times. Forever. And when you think of me don't think of me as the bitter, desperate junkie you last saw me as. Think of me as your brother, your friend. Because there were good times. And I wish we had concentrated on those times more.

I'm coming to a close now. A conclusion of what has been said. My life. And I look back on all the things that have happened and I realise...I've had a good life. It wasn't always perfect. But those months I spent on the island made me realise. We all have secrets. We all regret things. I know now where all the other crash survivors that have died have gone. We've all been forgiven, Liam. I was forgiven. Redeemed. And so will you. Souls may have been punctured. But mine found it's way up here. And yours will too.

So, having said that-I'll see you soon, Liam and we'll catch up on everything that has happened.

Remember I love you, Big brother.

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