Disclaimer: I own none of the characters mentioned. I wish I did, but I don't. If I did, I wouldn't be writing stories for them, but rather screen directions. .

"Burn the witch!"

The witch was silent. The hideous creature dared stare them in the eyes. The black orbs were void of human emotion, the robes hanging dirty and shapeless over its skin, its mouth a fine line.

"Burn the witch, I say!"

It sneered at them, a disgusting site. Yet there was a thrill in all this, a thrill in holding the power, the final say, over this monster.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself, witch?"

"I am not a witch."

"Don't question us, witch! Burn!"

"Burn!"

"Burn!"

There was a pause, an awkward one, where the three stared at their fourth companion expectantly. The fourth had been scribbling something on a sheet of parchment.

"Ahem?"

He had snapped out of it. "Hmm? What? Oh, yeah. Burn. Whatever." With his duty done, he went back to his writing.

They were five in all, including the accused. There was no large crowd to view the prosecution of the unholy thing, but that was fine. Large or small, the number of people didn't matter as long as there were at least those four to condemn the accursed one.

"So, witch, how long has this been going on? How many nights have your demonic practises been going on?"

Silence.

"Do you not care to answer us?"

Silence.

"Your silence proves you are a witch! You must burn!"

"I hate you all."

"Silence!"

"Don't you think that's a little odd?" The one who had been previously writing remarked dryly, looking up from his work.

"What is?" asked one of his companions.

"Well, you know, you just said that being silent proved he was a witch – "

"She," corrected one of the others, but he paid no mind.

" – And yet when he talks, you silence him. Not a very fair trial, in my opinion."

There was a silence where they all stared at the male dumbly – even the witch-in-question – until a sigh was heard.

"Moony, why do you have to ruin everything?"

"I didn't ruin anything, Padfoot. I'm just saying that in a fair trial – "

"This isn't a trial! We've already condemned him. Er, her. We've already established that he- she is a witch."

"I am not a witch."

"Shut up!"

"Anyway, my point is – "

"Moony, before you go on, can I ask you something?"

"What, Prongs?"

"Is that homework you're working on?"

There was another silence.

"Well, you know, I figured you guys would take a lot of time in doing this, and I'm already behind – "

"I can't believe you!"

"Wormtail, if you thought ahead like I do, you wouldn't fail so much. Look, I'm writing up my Charms essay now. You were having trouble with that, weren't you? I'll help you now. It's really quite simple – "

"Moony, he doesn't want your help with it! He wants you to burn the witch!"

"Honestly, 'burn the witch'? Couldn't you have come up with a better slogan?"

"I think it's quite charming. It's like a novelty toy, that phrase. Something that used to be so popular that you can't help but not use it."

"Yes, but do you know how many muggles suffered because of it? One witch revealed herself, and suddenly panic and hysteria swept the world. It really isn't something to joke about."

"Actually, we should joke about it, if only because of the fact that it was so serious."

"Oh. Maybe we should joke about your dead grandparents as well."

"I wouldn't mind."

"Well only because you hate your family. Honestly, it's an insult to talk about such a thing."

"It's only serious if we don't make light of it."

"But we shouldn't make light of it because it's so serious."

Remus and Sirius continued discussing why or why-not they should use the words 'burn' and 'witch' in the same sentence as James and Peter watched with raised brows and grins. In the meanwhile, the tied up being began squirming in hopes of freeing itself while no one was looking.

"I'm just saying, it isn't our fault that muggles were so afraid at that time. The witch thought she could trust her friend! If she had known she'd start all those witch-trials, I'm sure she wouldn't have done anything."

"And because of her stupid mistake, we can't show muggles that we have magic. Isn't that moronic? What if I want to prank them! What if – Hey! Stop squirming!"

Now the attention was back to the struggling life form.

"Yeah, stop that!"

"Want us to poke you with sticks?"

"We will!"

The squirming stopped.

"Are we gonna finish this anytime soon? We have an exam in Transfiguration next week, and I need to study - "

"Remus, stop being such a bookworm!"

"Sirius, I don't think you understand. That counts for fifteen percent of our grade! Of the entire year!"

"So?"

"Fifteen percent!"

"It's just a number."

"Just a number? Just a number? Fifteen percent! It's worth fifte- "

"I know, I know. Fifteen percent. You just said it a million and seventy four times, Moony. We know. We got it. Thanks."

Remus huffed and crossed his arms. "Fine. Get on with it, then." He gave Sirius a glare, which the other boy chose to ignore.

"Now witch, you have thirty seconds to prove you are not, in fact, a witch. If you do not succeed, do you know what will happen?"

Silence.

"We will burn you!" Remus rolled his eyes, but Sirius, once again, chose to ignore that.

"Time to start… now!" James flicked his wand, and an hourglass appeared, transfigured from a patch of grass. The creature stared at the newly unearthed dirt, watched the insects squirmed and wriggled uncomfortably in the new light that exposed them, and then turned his head to look at the grains of sand descending the glass.

"Time's a tickin' away!" James reminded it. The creature sighed.

"I hate you all."

"That only encourages us to burn you, you know."

There was another sigh.

"I am not a witch because I do not have any form of female anatomy on me."

Three of the onlookers were grinning. "You don't?"

"Could have fooled me."

"Are you sure?"

The thing in question sneered at them. "You're all a bunch of stupid, dim-witted buffoons. Do I look like I have ovaries?"

"No, you're quite right. It doesn't look like you have ovaries."

"But it doesn't look like you have a penis, either."

Sirius and James gave each other a high five, and then twirled around on one leg, all the while laughing. Remus chuckled at the sight of them doing the Marauder's handshake. He couldn't quite believe he had helped create it…

"Time's still ticking away."

"One day, you will all pay. You'll see. The time will come when you'll all regret having done this to me. I promise you I'll get you back."

"And times up. So sorry, maybe in your next lifetime. Goodbye, witch. Have fun – "

"Burning!" the three shouted in unison. Then they stared at Remus, who let out a sigh, unable to help the smile growing on his face. Sirius tried his statement again.

"Goodbye, hideous devil-creature! Have fun – "

"Burning!"

They laughed, all four this time, and Sirius flicked his wand. The ropes binding the witch undid, the spell that had him levitating was removed, and, wide-eyed, the creature fell into the lake above which it had been suspended. Howls of laughter left the throats of the Marauders, some more then others, of course.

"You realise that dumping him into a lake is just about the opposite of burning him, right?"

"Moony, come on! We're just playing with him. To burn him would be… Why, it'd be just plain cruel!"

An arm slung over Remus' shoulder, Sirius burst into more laughter. "Goodbye, Snivellus!" he called over his shoulder. "Don't drown now! We don't want you polluting the squid's waters!"

There was another fit of chuckles from everyone in the group, and it was this way that the four of them returned to the castle. The burning of the witch ceremony over, Remus began thinking of ways to convince the other three to start their homework. Sirius, on the other hand, began thinking of new ways to avoid said homework.

"Hey, you know what? I think Snivellus is a vampire, too. Let's stop by the kitchen and get some garlic." There was a mischievous twinkle – it seemed permanently stuck there – in the boy's eyes. James smirked, a plan already formulating in his mind, and Peter was bouncing on the balls of his feet eagerly.

"Honestly. A witch-y vampire?" Remus shook his head, trying not to smile at Sirius' playful theories.

"I know. He's just out to get us, isn't he? That's why we have to get him first."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes."

"What if I don't want to be part of this anymore?"

"You'll want to. You know you will."

"Yeah, Moony. How can you not want to? It's to help the school! Don't want a vampire running loose."

"I really don't think – "

"To the kitchens!"

A reluctant Remus was dragged away, laughter filling the halls, as well as more strange stories. It was hard work being a Marauder, but it was definitely worth it. At least, Remus liked to think so.