It's 11.30 p.m. now. I was actually trying to fall asleep, when this popped into my head. I just had to write it!
So, here's the long-awaited sequel to 'One last snog'!
I still have to come up with a title, though.
sunday november 6th
11 a.m.
granddad and maisie's wedding
sitting in the hallway
I wouldn't have thought that I would ever say this, but being a bridesmaid is so dull..
five minutes later
And who would have thought chapels have hallways?
I certainly wouldn't.
But appearantly they do.
one minute later
Anyone who would walk into the chapel right now would see a pink cheesepuff with giganticibus nunga's, droning around about complete rubbish, and a baby blue cheesepuff, simply being bored, and possibly dying because of it.
And sad enough, I'm the baby blue cheesepuff.
How utterly and incredibly naff my life is.
one minute later
The nub and gist of it all is that Mutti and I are sitting in the so-called hallway of a godforsaken chapel in the middle of nowhere, waiting.
fifteen minutes later
What are we waiting for anyway? I'll ask Mum.
I said "Mutti, what are we waiting for?"
"Oh, they had to prepare the chapel for us, there has been a funeral before the wedding."
"A funeral?"
"Yes, chapels have multiple uses, you know. Have you seen the vicar, by the way? He's quite fit looking for his age.."
This is just one of the many examples of my family's insanity.
48 years later
The vicar came shuffling up to us.
"Mrs. Nicolson, we.."
"Ooh, call me Connie!" Oh dear Lord Sandra. Mum cannot be gushing over the vicar.
The vicar blushed (!) and said "Okay, Connie, the chapel is prepared for you.." He winked at her. Oh my giddy God, isn't he supposed to be married to Baby Jesus?
I narrowed my eyes at him and said "Oh, Mum, isn't that incredibly fab? Let's get Dad, you know, your dearly beloved husband!"
I thought the vicar's head was going to explode.
What larks I'm having, and the ceremony hasn't even begun yet!
one minute later
As we walked down the hallway Mum tutted at me.
"Now, Georgie, that wasn't very nice.."
"What?"
"Teasing the vicar like that.. He was just being nice.."
I raised my eyebrows at her. "Mum, he was like a hundred years old. You can't be coming on to him like that. And by the way, you're married. To dad. Who is right around the corner right now."
She just tutted at me.
five minutes later
Maisie is a big white puff, covered in lacey bits.
I have to say I'm a bit surprised in her lack of knitwear. She's only wearing a knitted headband and a knitted veil.
I wonder how she sees through it.
ten minutes later
walking down the aisle
Uncle Eddie is 'playing' the organ. I can see his eggy head shining from the other side of the chapel.
two seconds later
He missed a note, and now the whole bridal march is off-tune. I nearly choked laughing.
one second later
Maisie nearly fell over and bumped into Mum's nunga's, head first. How disturbing.
Lucky for her she can't see all too clearly.
one minute later
The incredibly dull vicar was eying Mum whilst marrying Granddad and Maisie. What a chav.
Mum and Dad actually are the witnesses, carrying the rings and such.
one minute later
Oh, buggeration. The rings. I was supposed to remind Mum to bring the rings. And I didn't remind her.
Mum seemed to notice too, she stared at me, wide eyed, mouth agog. She pointed at her wedding ring and shrugged her shoulders. I did the naff pointing-over-the-shoulder thing, to indicate that they're back home.
I think that Mutti got it. She looked like she was not-so-casually strolling into strop central. She got a bit red around the nose, stomped over to me, grabbed me by the wrist and slurred me outside.
thirty seconds later
"Oh my God. We forgot the rings! I can't believe we forgot the rings! What do we do now?"
"Drive back and get them?"
"Georgia, it'll take ages. Even you know that." Was that an insult masked as sheer desperadoes? Clever, Mutti, very clever.
"Mum. Think clear for a bit. They can't get married without rings."
"Yes. Right. Er.."
She stook her hand in her dress, tousled around her nunga's a bit, and fished out the car keys. Erlack, erlack!
I said "Mum, have you been keeping them there the whole time? You can't be serious."
"Why not? They come in very handy sometimes."
Oh, dear lord Sandra. I was brought up by the lead actress in "Chicago". That's how dull my life is. People actually wonder why I'm insane.. Hah.
ten minutes later
Mum is pushing the clown car to its ultimate limit, i.e. 50 miles an hour.
five minutes later
We made it back home in fifteen minutes, instead of the half hour it took us to get to the chapel on the way there.
Which means we were driving 25 miles an hour on the way there. You get my drift.
one minute later
Mum nearly pushed me out of the car. I stumbled out and ran towards the house.
five seconds later
Oh my giddy God. What is Dave doing here?
He smiled at me. I said "What are you doing here?"
"I thought I would pay my lovely, appreciative girlfriend a visit.."
"My Granddad's wedding is today."
"Oh, right, I forgot."
Then he looked me over and chuckled. "Oy, Kittykat, you look like a giganticibus cheesepuff."
I just looked at him.
"And what happened to your face?"
Mutti did my makeup. Drag queens could learn a whole lot from her, that is le fact.
I said "Shut up."
"Although the question is, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the wedding."
"We forgot the rings."
He looked like he was going to explode laughing.
five seconds later
Dave was laughing his head off, and I just looked at him.
Mum yelled "Georgia, hurry up! What are you even doing standing there like that? Are you insane?!"
Then she saw Dave. She batted her eyelashes and waved.
Dave laughed harder, if even possible.
two minutes later
Eventually, we found the rings and went back to the "car". Mum saw Dave and went spazoid.
"Ooh, Dave, fancy seeing you here! We're on our way to the wedding, want to come with?"
I franctically shook my head at Dave. No way I'm exposing him to Granddad's madness.
And of course, he really wanted to go.
He beamed and said "Thank you, Mrs. Nicolson, that would be very nice.."
She said "Ooh, dear boy, call me C..-"
"MUM!"
That's it for now. It's different from what I had originally planned, but this just popped into my mind. I actually fell asleep at the computer around 1.30 a.m. I woke up at 3 and rolled right into bed, that's why I'm posting it now.
Hit or miss? Please review, tell me what you think.
x
m.