Title: PUCKLEBERRY vs. THE PIGSKIN

Author's Note/Summary: Of course, out of all the people Berry could have picked to teach her about football so she could impress Wonder Boy, she had to pick me. Terrific.

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee

Rating: Kt to T because of Puck's potty mouth…hehe.

CHAPTER ONE:

I'LL BE THERE WITH BELLS AND KITTENS ON

"Wait…you want me to do what?"

"Teach me about football," Rachel Berry smiled enthusiastically.

"Why?" Noah Puckerman recoiled at the request. He and Rachel were not on the best terms and he was not at all thrilled over the concept at having to spend his free time teaching her about football. Besides, wouldn't she be too afraid she'd break a nail or something?

"Because you and Finn have that big game coming up…"

"The Championship?" Puck rolled his eyes, annoyed at her stupidity towards all things football.

"Yeah and I want to go to surprise him after the game. However, if I am going to be watching said game take place, I would rather watch it with a thorough understanding of what is taking place on the rink."

"The field."

"Yeah. And considering that it's a surprise for Finn, I can't very well ask him to teach me, so I am turning to you, Noah."

Puck grimaced at his name. Only she called him that and he hated her for it. Great, so not only did she want him to teach her football, she wanted him to teach her so that she could go off and impress Finnessa. Awesome. Just fucking awesome.

"So remind me why I should help you impress Wonder Boy," Puck said smugly, clearly impressed with the new nickname he had come up with.

"Because…" Rachel thought it over before shrugging, "You'll be helping me. So what do you say?"

"What exactly is in this for me – other than having to put up with your obnoxious presence every day after school?"

"Well, you'd be helping me out and…I could well…hmmm."

"Exactly. The situation isn't all that win-win. If there's nothing in it for me, you can forget it, Berry. I'm not going to help you woo Pattycakes over there," Puck nodded towards Finn who was currently juggling some books back into his locker. One fell to the ground and he blushed a fierce shade of red before bending down to pick it up, "Classic," Puck smirked.

"Leave him alone!" Rachel flamed, "Just help me, please Noah."

She looked up at him with those big puddles of chocolate she called eyes. He could practically feel himself melt into the linoleum. Fucking terrific. He was going to give in. He knew better than to let Rachel Berry have her way, but those eyes – Goddamn those eyes! They were the strings that kept him tied around her little finger – not that he would ever admit that out loud to anyone. Puck's eyes narrowed and he glanced around, looking to make sure no one had read his thoughts.

"What are you looking for?" Rachel asked. Puck regained his composure. He couldn't let the Pucktasticness drop. He had to keep up his badasssness. He couldn't go weak, especially for Rachel Berry.

"Uh…nothing," Puck shook his head.

"So are you going to help me out here or not, Noah?"

There she goes again with my damn name, Puck seethed. Could there be a bigger annoyance in the world than Rachel Berry? She was looking at him with those damn eyes and a little unsure-of-itself smile. It was kind of adorable.

No! Rachel Berry was NOT adorable. Rachel Berry was a pain in the ass. She was annoying as fuck. Annoying people are NOT adorable. Rachel Berry is NOT adorable. No one is adorable in penny loafers and a pink sweater with a…what is that?

Oh my God, it's a fucking kitten. No one is adorable in fucking kitten sweaters unless they're like five, and even then it's gag-worthy.

Puck squinted at the sweater.

Was she really wearing that?

Yup, a little kitten sat in the middle of a sweater with a pink bow in its fluffy hair and it had a little gold bell hanging from its neck. A fucking bell. Rachel Berry was wearing a kitten with a bell. She had clothes with bells.

Puck wanted to ram his fist through a locker.

"Are you staring at my chest?" Rachel asked, quickly covering herself with her arms.

"I was staring at the kitten. Are you really wearing a sweater with a kitten on it? I have a policy against teaching people football if they're wearing kitten sweaters. It kind of goes against my religion."

"We have the same religion, Noah," Rachel rolled her eyes, "And I happen to like this sweater."

"Of course you do," Puck rolled his eyes, "Look, I'm gonna go now…"

"So you won't teach me football?" Rachel's eyes widened. Oh my God she looked like she was about to cry. Puck wanted to shake her. She was so fucking annoying. She wasn't really going to cry. She was going to do that fake shit where her eyes get all watery and her nose all red and she makes fake whimpering sounds.

He wasn't going to fall for it. Maybe Wonder Boy fell for that kind of bullshit, but not him. Nuh-uh. No siree bob. He wasn't going to let Rachel Berry and her fake crying get to him. She was like a fucking five year old sometimes.

"Damn it! Fine! Meet me after school in the park."

"Awesome!" Rachel hopped up and down, clapping her hands, "I'll be there with bells on."

"But if I see one fucking kitten, Berry, I'm done."

Rachel nodded enthusiastically. The kitten sweater would just have to go away until after practice.

"But…" her face fell, "I don't have anything to wear besides this right now."

Shit. Puck rolled his eyes and motioned Rachel to follow him to his locker. He did the combination and swung the little aluminum door open. After sorting through books and moldy food, Puck tossed her a waded up sweatshirt.

"Put that on then."

"It smells."

"Yeah, like sexy. You're wearing it or else no football lesson."

"Okay," Rachel pulled the sweatshirt over her head. It was huge and hung down to her knees practically. The arms were baggy. Puck rolled his eyes, marched over to her, and pushed the sleeves up for her.

"That's better," he stepped back, examining his work.

"I think I like the kitten better. She doesn't smell like sweat."

"Well you look cute," Puck said before stopping himself. Shit. Did he really just say that out loud?

"Why thank you, Noah. I'll see you after school."

She turned and kind of bounced down the hallway in her usual, happy Rachel Berry way. Puck watched her go, trying to ignore the tight feeling in his stomach. Puckasaurus doesn't get butterflies. Nancy's like Finn got butterflies, but not him. Especially around Berry.

Fucking kitten sweater!