DISCLAIMER: Please keep in mind that I (unfortunately) don't own Marvel, and that I am writing this just for fun.
Scene 1
TONY and QUILL are making their way to where THANOS is standing, observing the still ongoing battle in silence.
QUILL:
*visibly distressed, talking fast*
So, that crazy British dude-friend of yours…
TONY:
*mildly annoyed*
Strange?
QUILL:
*continuing*
Yes, he's quiet Strange, he's got this magic carpet but he uses it as a fashion statement…that guy. So he has no idea how we can defeat that purple idiot
TONY:
*still annoyed*
You have a point?
QUILL:
*taken aback by TONY's directness*
Yeah, so, I have an idea.
*pauses and looks at TONY. Continues in a most serious voice*
Do you have an apple and a poison?
TONY:
*staring at QUILL while mentally face palming himself*
QUILL:
*over-dramatically*
I SAW IT IN A CARTOON ONCE.
TONY:
*regretting his faith of being stuck with this idiot, yet knowing full well how to fuck him up*
Did it work?
QUILL:
*immediately*
Plan B. We get the purple asshole to have a conversation with you. If my calculations are correct he would die within five minutes.
TONY:
*throws him a murderous look*
That's still better than your plan A.
CUT SCENE
SCENE 2
THANOS is calmly standing in the ring made of dust when TONY and QUILL approach him.
THANOS:
Tony Stark. So stubborn. So willing to die.
TONY:
*dramatically*
Oh, shut up, we're here to kill you.
QUILL:
*record scratching sound*
How exactly do we do that?
TONY:
*turns to QUILL* *whispering*
I don't know yet. We're improvising.
QUILL:
*quietly – to TONY*
Oh, oh, I get it.
*loudy – to THANOS*
PREPARE TO DIE!
Both TONY and THANOS find themselves stunned. QUILL takes off his jacket, throwing it to the ground.
TONY:
*quietly – to QUILL*
What the hell are you doing?
QUILL:
*whispers innocently to TONY*
Improvising?
TONY:
*whisper-shouting*
Not like this. You'll get us both killed you moron!
QUILL:
*to TONY*
Well you have a plan?
*after TONY doesn't respond QUILL turns to Thanos*
I hope hell's nice this time of the year.
QUILL and THANOS compete in the tense stare of while TONY watches them, wishing internally that he was dead. QUILL raises his cassette player dramatically and Hooked On A Feeling Starts Playing. Much to TONY's surprise both QUILL and THANOS start dancing.
TONY:
*still mind-fucked by this scene*
Would somebody tell me WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
QUILL:
*still dancing aggressively, without a breath*
It's a…dance-off
TONY:
*wishing he was never born*
Once again, what the ACTUAL FUCK is going on here?
QUILL:
*while doing a really cool, Timberlake style, turn*
Dance-off rules are universal.
THANOS:
Yes. The winner takes it all.
QUILL:
And the looser…goes to hell. And can never again show up to Mike's Space Karaoke Bar.
THANOS:
It's the question of honor.
QUILL:
And performing art excellence.
TONY:
And the mental malfunction.
QUILL stops dancing, trudging over to TONY and grabbing him by the shoulders.
QUILL:
*dramatically*
Tony. Tony, I, I don't think that I can last much longer. It's all up to you now.
TONY:
*not impressed by this bullshit*
You're not dying you idiot, stop acting like you're in a soap opera.
QUILL:
*in a normal voice this time*
Okay, but I still lost, it's up to you.
TONY:
*is so done with this shit*
I don't dance.
QUILL:
*grabs TONY's hand while the dramatic, coming-of-age music plays in the background*
Everybody dances. I know you have it in you Tony. You just have to let go and be yourself, feel the music and let it guide you.
TONY:
*totally enjoying this*
Yeah, yeah, I can. I didn't want to do this, ever, but I guess that I don't have a choice right now.
QUILL:
*music stops, he speaks in serious voice*
If you fail, we all die.
*music starts up again*
Remember. Have fun.
TONY:
Trust me, I won't.
TONY stands up in front of THANOS. QUILL is filming all of this from behind TONY.
QUILL:
*amused by this*
Any song requests?
TONY:
*waving him off*
I've got my own.
*to his suite*
FRIDAY activate protocol God Of The Dance floor
Hit Me Baby One More Time starts playing. TONY starts dancing like the devil and THANOS can't keep up.
TONY:
*dramatic turn and snap*
IT'S TONY BITCH!
THANOS:
*turns to dust*
TONY:
*stands there for a moment then proceeds to walk away*
Well, I hate to admit it, but this was actually kind of fun.
QUILL follow TONY speechless and amazed.
END SCENE
BONUS SCENE
TONY and QUILL are returning to Avengers headquarters.
QUILL:
So…why do you have a God Of The Dance Floor protocol in the first place?
TONY:
Thor often gets drunk and challenges everyone to the dance-offs. He's a great dancer and I hate losing.
QUILL:
And why Britney?
TONY:
I have good taste in music.
*pauses*
Unlike some people.
QUILL:
*TONY walks away and QUILL yells after him*
I HAVE A GREAT TASTE IN MUSIC YOU ASSHOLE. COME BACK HERE!
*sees that TONY is not coming back*
OKAY THEN, I'LL JUST GO HELP THOR TRAIN TO BEAT YOU.
*to himself*
Yeah, you don't care.
*still to himself*
Damn, I really need that Dance Floor protocol.
*runs after TONY*
WAIT. WAIT, TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!