Hi guys, thanks for taking the time to read and review This is on Me. I will be updating it soon.
All or Nothing takes place in season 17 and starts with Amanda's labour.
If you like Rollivia, you'll love this. Rated M for future chapters.
As she approached Amanda's room on the maternity ward, Liv could see the blonde pacing back and forth, her left hand supporting her lower back and her right hand rubbing soft circles on her bump. All of a sudden, Amanda stopped at the side of the bed, both hands placed on the mattress and her body slightly bent over. Liv could hear the low moan coming from deep within the blonde as another contraction took hold. Liv slowly opened the door not wanting to startle the blonde, and softly said, "Hey, 'Manda, mind if I come in?". Amanda looked up and, upon seeing Liv, her boss and friend, a weary smile appeared on her now pale face and she gave a slight nod. She stayed slightly hunched over as the contraction started to subside then she slowly stood up and began pacing again.
"You just missed Carisi. I sent him home. He looked exhausted. Besides, Fin should be here soon."
Liv, who had now taken a seat on one of the visitor's chairs beside Amanda's bed said, " Fin got held up at work so I offered to come instead. I hope that's ok."
Amanda, almost immediately, said, "Of course it is!" Slightly embarrassed at how eager she seemed, Amanda then added, " The guys aren't great at handling this labor thing we got goin on." Her southern drawl never failed to make Liv's heart skip a beat. There had been a time when the two women had enjoyed a flirtation, neither one overtly saying what she felt for the other but neither of them hiding their attraction. Then, when Amanda's rape had come to light, Liv held back somewhat and became Amanda's shoulder to cry on as she got on the road to recovery. It had been a difficult time for Amanda and she seemed to welcome the shift in their relationship and so Liv decided to wait until Amanda seemed more ready before pursuing anything romantic. So, when the blonde announced that she was pregnant, Liv was not only confused, but hurt. Had she imagined their earlier flirtation? No discussion was ever had about it between the two women. Soon they fell into a comfortable friendship but as Amanda's pregnancy hormones began to make themselves known, Liv sensed that Amanda still thought of her as more than a friend. Seeing Amanda now, her swollen belly, full breasts, and little strands of hair falling around her face as she struggled through each contraction, Liv thought she never looked more beautiful and the familiar longing ignited within her. She had to remind herself that she was here to support Amanda. Be her friend.
"How are things going?" she asked the blonde.
Amanda responded by saying that the contractions were now three minutes apart and that it shouldn't be too long now until she would be able to start pushing. She was told that by the time she had arrived at the hospital, it was too late for an epidural. Liv detected a tone of fear in the blonde's voice and asked, " How do you feel?... I know it's a stupid question given that you are in labor but if I were you I'd be a little apprehensive."
"Truth?" the blonde asked.
Liv nodded.
"I'm scared Liv. Not just about the pain or having to push her out, but about what happens when she's here." Amanda's voice started to waver and tears filled her eyes as she added,
" It's all becoming so real now and all I keep thinking is that I screwed up." A quiet sob escaped her as she sat on the edge of the bed, her face lowered and her eyes staring at the floor. At this, Liv stood up, walked over to Amanda, and and sat down beside her, placing her hand gently on the blonde's left knee. Amanda looked at Liv's hand on her knee. Deep within her she felt the slow burn of desire for her boss, her friend, which she had long ago buried.
" You're not alone 'Manda. I'm here, Fin and Carisi are here. I know we're not your real family but we all love you and will support you and this little one every step of the way."
Hearing this, Amanda looked up and met the gentle gaze of her brown eyed boss. "Thanks Liv. That means a l...oooooooooooooooh!" Amanda was cut off mid sentence by yet another powerful contraction. Her eyes squeezed shut and her hand instinctively grasped Liv's.
Breathing through the contraction was not quite working for Amanda and she wailed out in pain. Liv got up off the bed and lowered onto her knees in front of Amanda, her right hand still firmly held by Amanda. Liv used her left hand to rub the side of Amanda's right thigh in an effort to soothe her.
" You're doing great honey."
As Amanda's contraction once more began to subside, she opened her eyes and immediately looked down to see Liv's big brown eyes looking back at her full of love and compassion. For a second, both women held each other's gaze, Liv's left hand resting on Amanda's thigh and Amanda still gripping Liv's other hand. Becoming acutely aware of the moment that they were having, Liv's face flushed and she gently coughed. "You good?"
"Yeah, that one was stronger than before. Sorry if I hurt your hand."
Liv gently laughed," Don't worry about me. That's what I'm here for. Do you wanna go back into bed? Get some rest?"
" Yeah, these contractions are really starting to tire me out. " Amanda pulled the covers back and climbed in, flinching slightly at the discomfort she was now feeling at the base of her bump. she took a deep breath to try and calm herself as a fresh flood of fear washed over her. She reached out for Liv. Liv could sense the shift in Amanda's mood and sat on the edge of the bed. She held Amanda's hand.
"It's ok to be scared, Amanda. You don't have to be brave all the time."
"What was I thinking Liv? I got drunk and reckless and didn't think of the consequences? Now, this baby is gonna be depending on me to show her how to live a good life when all I've done is screw up my own. What kind of life can I give her? She'll never know her father because I didn't even ask his name. How am I gonna explain that to her? The fact that she exists solely because I went home with the first person who showed any interest? "
Liv was surprised at how candid Amanda was being. It was not like Amanda yo be so open about her feelings as she hated being vulnerable in front of other people. Liv appreciated the fact that Amanda trusted her enough to let her guard down somewhat. In the back of Liv's mind though, all she could think of was the fact gnat Amanda said "person" when referring to who she slept with that night. Had Liv been brave enough to show her how she truly felt, would Amanda have gone home with her instead?
As if suddenly realising how honest she had been, Amanda began to blush and said "Sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"Don't 'Manda" Liv interrupted. "I've been there too."
"You have?"
"Yeah, certain cases get to you and you get so caught up in the emotion of it all and sometimes you just need to let loose and get out of your own head for a while. Going home to an empty apartment is no use. The next best thing is sitting in a crowded bar and having a couple of drinks. Occasionally someone will offer to buy you a drink and after a few, it's easy to set aside any notion of reason and just let everything else take over. I've definitely had my moments so I get it 'Manda. What you need to know is that none of that defines you. You've done a lit of good in your life 'Manda. This baby couldn't be born to a better mom."