It wasn't supposed to be like this. He repeated this over and over again to himself. These thoughts would not leave him and he felt tormented by them. Nothing was distracting him from these invasive thoughts. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I have found someone to share the rest of my days with. How fair is it to her that she is now stuck with me? He scoffed in frustration. Stuck with me ... isn't it ironic that she is now truly stuck with me when she feared that I would be stuck with her! It's all I ever wanted, to have a life with her, and now she will have me and Becky to care for. She doesn't deserve that. It's not fair.

Charles paced the hall waiting for Elsie to get her coat so that they could walk home and hopefully fall asleep after the recent events. Charles and Lady Mary, as well as Lord Grantham, had decided that it would be best if Carson stepped down as Butler and allowed Barrow to step in and take his place. Elsie stood by his side quietly as they almost instantly decided that the truth could not be ignored any longer and that change was necessary.

It was their last New Year celebration at Downton Abbey and as the clock struck midnight Charles and Elsie pondered what the new year would bring for them. Even though they were faced with some uncertainty, one thing was sure: they would see in the New Year and the remainder of their years together. They had taken their time getting there and Elsie had once teased that she thought he'd never ask for her hand in marriage. Although she was nervous that she wouldn't be enough for him or what he had wanted in a wife, she was overjoyed that he wanted to marry her. This happiness was being overshadowed by his 'palsy', as he referred to it. Sure, Elsie put on a tough front but she was sad and scared, not about her future but about what Charles was suffering and going through. She loved him for better or for worse and she only wanted to be able to fix this, but she couldn't.

Charles held the servants door open for his wife to exit, the party was over and they began the New Year with a brief walk to their home, to their bed, together. It was frigid outside and they both pulled their scarves around their necks a bit tighter. Charles took Elsie's hand and they proceeded to walk home in the moonlit night, in silence. When it was quiet, especially in the stillness of the night, Charles found it difficult to control his thoughts about the changes he was facing. This feeling of uncertainty frightened and angered him. Elsie could feel Charles grip her gloved hand tighter. Neither one felt a need to say anything. They just walked as the cold air burned their faces; the stinging was a welcomed distraction from what they were both struggling with internally.

It's unfair. Elsie kept repeating this to herself as they walked home. He doesn't deserve this. The cold air was invading her senses. She could hear Charles sniffling from the cold air hitting his warm nose. Charles wiped his nose with his handkerchief. She then heard him sigh. Is he crying? Oh this poor sweet man. She couldn't be sure as it was dark out and the little moonlight that was lighting their path home was not enough to see the features of his face. He wiped at his face again and pulled Elsie a bit closer to him. They were almost home and she appreciated the warmth Charles offered her as he held her to his side. Nothing needed to be said. They both knew what the other was feeling. They approached the cottage door and Elsie let go of Charles' hand so that she could look for the house key in her purse. Charles hovered close to her, eager to get out of the cold but more eager to be alone with her inside. Their home was the one place Charles felt secure, free from the outside pressures of work and where he was able to be the most open with Elsie.

They entered the cottage and Elsie removed her gloves, placing them in her purse. She removed her coat and turned around to hang it on its hook. She saw Charles standing in the dark with only the moonlight shining through the window to light his sad face. He took her coat from her and she proceeded to remove her scarf. They didn't speak, nothing needed to be said. Charles stood facing the hooks and Elsie placed her hand on his shoulder to hand him her scarf. That is when she felt his shoulders shaking as he quietly cried. Once he was in his home that he had created with Elsie he felt free to let go. Her tears began to fall as well. He turned around quickly and embraced Elsie in an incredibly tight hug. His hands grasping at her waist as his fingers became entwined in her loose hair bun. He kissed the side of her head over and over again as he whispered,

"I'm so sorry Elsie."

His tears were soaking through her blouse and hers soaking through his shirt. She sobbed, not for herself but because it broke her heart to see her man so sad and helpless. It's not fair Charlie, it's not fair ... you don't deserve this. She broke away just enough so that she could grasp his face in her hands. His tears were streaming from his glassy eyes. Elsie wiped his tears away as fast as they were falling. Charles tried to break free from her grasp but she held his face close to hers.

"What are you sorry for Charles? You've nothing to apologize for," she whispered to him.

He met her gaze and through his tears he gasped,

"You're stuck with me, but you don't have to be ..."

His words stung her like a slap across the face. Her breath caught in her throat as she stood there in disbelief. How could he even suggest such a thing? She wouldn't let him finish his sentence. She needed to shut him up because she feared what he was going to say next. She didn't want to hear him say anything like that. She pressed her lips forcefully against his and began kissing him like he had never been kissed before. It was an angry and passionate kiss. Elsie's thoughts were raging inside of her and she didn't dare speak them out loud. How dare you, how dare you decide what you think I want in life!

She began grasping at his shoulders and pulling off his clothing. They kissed with a rage inside of them. You don't get to decide what I feel Charles or how I will handle this. I married you for better or for worse and only God will decide when we are finished here! Charles needed Elsie, he needed this distraction, he wanted to get lost in her and not feel this uncertainty, even if it was just for a few moments. He was sorry for what he had said and he could feel her anger and her need to convey her love in this kiss. He began grasping at her clothing and managed to unbutton her blouse. He kissed and nipped at every bare piece of skin he exposed. He held her impossibly close, kneading her bottom as she unbuttoned his pants and began lowering them down. She held him in her hands. This hot need was growing even stronger between them.

I need you Elsie; I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry.

Their need for each other grew stronger. The anger Elsie felt was dissipating with every moment that passed, she loved him and couldn't bear to hear those words come out of his mouth. How could he ever think I would ever want to ... She couldn't even bear to think of what he was suggesting? He lifted her off the floor and pushed her against the wall, each touch was testament to how they really felt; they needed no words.

They both climaxed with such force and so quickly they were left weak in the knees. Their angry kisses had changed to soft pecks and gentle touches. The sobs had calmed. Their faces were flushed from their emotions as they settled into the afterglow. Neither of them spoke. They slowly released each other and composed themselves enough to walk up to their bedroom. They prepared themselves for bed quietly, every so often their gazes would meet and they spoke to each other with their eyes. Elsie's brow furrowed as she thought ... please don't think that way, and I want to be stuck with you, the way you said you wanted to be stuck with me Charles Carson!

Charles couldn't hold his gaze any longer, he felt ashamed of what he had almost said out loud and he knew how he had hurt Elsie. He turned away from her as he put his clothes on the chair feeling guilty. Elsie, I'm sorry, I just want you to be happy, and I don't want to complicate your life.
They finished getting ready in silence. They climbed into bed emotionally and physically exhausted. Charles leaned over to Elsie to kiss her goodnight.

"I love you Elsie."

She closed her eyes as she savoured his tender touch and kiss; he rested his forehead against hers as he whispered,

"I'm sorry for ..."

Elsie didn't let him finish.

"Don't ... you don't need to say anything, just don't say anything Charles."

He wiped away her tears with his thumbs and kissed her again before they finally drifted off to sleep.

I wrote this in response to Chelsiefan7's Tumblr post regarding her desire to keep the Downton Abbey fandom alive and kicking even though the show has ended. I'm sorry Chelsie fan that I posted this a day later than you had wanted us to post things but I just didn't have time to get this done this weekend. A big thank you to GiordieLass who took time out of her super busy schedule to proofread this for me you're the best! Xoxo. If you have some time I'd love to read what you think in a review!