You'll OD

Disclaimer: the only thing we own in this entire fic is the fanfiction itself and the characters Ryu and Rouge.

Warning: This will include everything. Profanity, sex, bad humour, drugs, you name it and it's probably in there… including yaoi or yuri (homosexual relations usually including sex) you have been warned.

Authors' Note: Hello and welcome to "You'll OD" a fanfiction so crack filled-you'll OD on its humour and randomness. Since this is -gasp- a crack fic with a plot, so it will take some time before it gets uber funny… to help introduce the characters and such. This is a collaborative piece between Ryu-Vampiress and therougeslytherin, so it will be uploaded to both our accounts. Enjoy the chaos.

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Chapter 1

How the hell did this happen?

It was a plain and ordinary sunny day, interrupted by where our story begins; school. A plain, ordinary, boring high school in the art building of this old school a photo class was being held in room 503. The classroom was painted a light grey colour, and to the far end of the mediocre room was a bunch of cabinets which held various art pieces, to the left of that there was a counter which wrapped around to the left wall. This wall held two sinks, some photo developing chemicals and some paint. In the centre of the room were three rows of tables, one of which was abandoned save for three students, the table farthest from the door held a large group of students; all of whom were more popular and all close friends. The last table, located in the centre held a group of raunchy boys at the right end, and four girls to the left.

One girl, a brunette, sat in her favourite Roots sweater, black of course, reading a book. It was another day filled with nothing to do in Photo class. She was a highly religious girl who was quite photogenic and generally on good terms with most people. Her fair skin was the complete antithesis to her hair, which was a dark, almost black, brown. The girl, named Kae, was finally catching up with the rest of the world by reading the entire Harry Potter series. Currently she was halfway through reading the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Another girl, Bina, was an average girl with clear brown skin. She was sporting a short black bob of hair and a light green tee shirt, which read, 'In tennis love means zero'. Though she was a grade younger than all the rest of them, no one minded about the age thing seeing as it was just an elective course and she was quite mature.

The other two girls were talking about their first fanfiction, 'A Rivals Deal' which was a slash of Harry and Draco, even though one of the two didn't support the pairing. This girl was a redhead, with hair that fell to her lower back and pale Caucasian skin. She wore brown cloth pants which covered her flat, black shoes and a bright blue shirt which read, 'I'll try to be nicer' then stating under a line, 'If you try to be smarter'. Overall she was quite the sarcastic tomboy.

Ryu had a hand grasping her forehead in frustration as she was thoroughly convinced Harry and Draco would never work in 'real life'. The girl's grey-green eyes searched the other female's face for some kind of understanding.

The chameleon haired girl- currently dirty blonde, with a reddish tinge- stared back her blue-grey eyes filled with passion. This girl wore glasses, a black shirt, with the amusing comment, which read, 'Potential Murder Suspect' in bold white print and regular jeans.

This girl, Rouge, was certain that Draco and Harry were perfect for each other.

"It would never work." Ryu tried to explain, "They're too different."

"Opposites attract." Rouge smiled

Ryu sighed, flipping her thick hair behind her shoulders. This would not be easy for Ryu to convince her, the girl with slim, black-rimmed glasses was determined to think it was a pairing thanks to a quote she read in the sixth book.

"Anyways..." Ryu tried to change the subject, "What would happen if we were enrolled at Hogwarts?"

"Mass chaos." Kae replied smoothly without looking up from her book.

Rouge and Ryu burst out laughing

"No kidding." The R girls said in unison. They looked at Kae with sides that hurt from laughing. She could be funny when she didn't even mean to be. Rouge re-adjusted the strap on her backpack, as it was only ten minutes until they had to go to their next block. Ryu, of course, had yet to pack everything up and was just putting away her pencil case.

"Oh yes," Began Rouge excitedly, "We could just clap our hands together like this..."

The girl held up both hands in the direction of Ryu-who was sitting to her right. Ryu glanced over and smirked. She'd humour the girl, Ryu decided; life is to short to be cool. Release the inner dork! Ryu smiled and raised her hands, both girls' palms facing each other.

"To Hogwarts!" Both girls yelled, clapping their palms.

Poof.

"Uh..." Bina began, as no one other than her and Kae noticed the disappearance of two of their classmates. "Guys...?"

- - - -

Poof.

Both girls landed on their asses quite abruptly after falling from their seated positions... as there was no longer any chairs beneath them. Ryu's unzipped backpack landed right on top of her; it's contents spilling onto the floor. Both girls' rumps were sore, as they seemed to have landed on a hard stone floor.

"What the hell was that?" Ryu asked, shoving her stuff back into her knapsack, in an effort to stay upright.

"I don't know, Ryu, but look around!" Rouge had hit a whole new level of high-pitched squealing that Ryu never heard before. She glanced around cautiously, tall ceilings looming above them, and dark, wide hallways were cast into a battle of light and shadows with the play of torchlight around them.

"You don't think..." Ryu started.

"We are in mother fucking Hogwarts!" The girl stood up, squealing and dancing around her comrade.

"I was going to say you look eleven years old but…" Ryu started, not caring much now that she realized what had happened. How were they doing this? Sixteen year olds in eleven year old bodies… it was an odd feeling.

The castle was just as the books described ominous, and yet having a sense of belonging at the same time. It couldn't really be here, it was a fictitious place created by a woman living in London. Yet here it was, prime and ready for the girls picking. In complete shock and awe at what was surrounding them, the two acquaintances had yet to properly notice themselves. Their clothes had mysteriously transfigured themselves into robes. They were both black and very comfortable, if not very practical. A woman's voice echoed behind the two girls, drawing their attention.

"Welcome to Hogwarts. Now, in a few moments you will pass through these doors and join your classmates. But before you take your seats, you must be sorted into your houses. They are Gryffindor.. Ravenclaw, and Slytherin." The older lady, apparent source of the voice, was at the top of some cream coloured stairs, a toad hidden to her left. It seemed to be hiding from something, as it was staying low to the ground, behind the extravagant opal railing. "Now while you're here your house will be like your family. Your triumphs will earn you points. Any rule breaking and you will loose points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the house cup."

The little toad, as if on cue, wobbled forward on its stubby, slate green legs. It stopped as a boy wearing a black robe (that matched the excited duo's) and cropped brown hair shouted out loud, "Trevor!"

The lady wore a deep green crushed velvet dress and had put her hair up in a loose bun, hidden by a tall pointed hat. She glared disapprovingly at the poor boy that grasped at the amphibian. He murmured a small apology before stepping back. The two girls stared at each other in awe. Was this actually happening? They were living the first Harry Potter book.

"The Sorting Ceremony will begin momentarily." The lady stalked out of view, her green dress sulking behind her. As soon as she was out of view, a platinum blonde boy stood up onto the area just where the lady was standing only moments before. Ryu quickly grabbed Rouge's excited face, clamping her hand around her mouth. The girl let out a scream and was taken back by pressure surrounding her lips. No sound came about, not even a muffled shriek… She glared angrily at Ryu, her blue-grey eyes finally widened in realization. Rouge would have to control herself.

"It's true then, what they're saying on the train." The blonde said with distain, "Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts."

The crowd murmured. Or what the girls knew was a crowd... they couldn't see anything past the top of the stairs, but they had read the books. The boy had a badass smirk, which Ryu thought, would crack his face. Rouge, on the other hand, thought that even though he was so young- he couldn't be sexier... unless he had his hair down. Ryu kept her hand clamped on her friend's face. 'She won't be able to contain herself', Ryu thought, 'she's too predictable.'

The red head held a finger to her lips, signalling to Rouge that they must be quiet. Behind black-rimmed glasses the girl rolled her eyes and then nodded, Ryu's hand still attached to her face. Ryu dropped the hand and trotted over to the railing. Rouge followed right behind her, noticing they had gone under more changes than just their loss of height.

They both squished into the side of the crowd, catching a sharp glance from the platinum boy. He, however, continued his speech… that is, until McGonagall interrupted him. Ryu and Rouge both made their way to the front of the crowd - knowing full well what the woman would say - they mouthed the words.

"We're ready for you now." The woman said, as if on cue

"Dun dun dun!" Rouge said, her voice deepening.

McGonagall didn't seem to hear them, even as the two girls cracked up.

The giant brown doors swung open as she led the crowd of 11-year-olds into the Great Hall. The room was filled with thousands of floating candles, and all the students sat at four tables. On the tables lay empty golden plates, with goblets and cutlery to match. All eyes were on the children, their small group full of nervous faces… aside from the smirking girls at the front of the clump, who seemed to be imitating the deputy head mistress. Their actions amused two third-year Gryffindor boys who were identical in appearance. The girls could barley make out what the two were saying as they passed.

"Too bad they're only ickle firsties."

"Yeah, I'd date 'em if they were older."

"I'd date both."

This last comment sent the twins into a fit of laughter.

The teacher stopped them in front of a four-legged stool with a tattered old hat upon it.

"This is gonna be good." Ryu smiled, staring deviously at the leather accessory. The brim on the hat opened up and it began to sing. Rouge mouthed the words along with it, much to the headmaster's interest. After the song, depicting the history of the house, the transfiguration professor announced, "When I call your name please step up here and place the hat on your head to be sorted."

She began to list off names as Ryu and Rouge had a contest with an Irish boy, Seamus Finnigan, of which house each student would be placed in. By the time Seamus was called up, he had yet to beat the dynamic duo at the guessing game. Ryu Kaida was next, and Rouge wished her luck. The red head moved forward, placing the hat upon head, hoping for the best.

/Well then,/ the hat spoke into her mind /before I begin, what house do you think you'll end up in?/

Ryu paused, thinking a moment, unsure if the hat could tell what she was thinking anyway.

/Slytherin wouldn't work for me, and I know I'm not a Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw… The best category for me would be Gryffindor./ Ryu thought back.

"Gryffindor!" shouted the hat with no hesitation… it then muttered "Category? That's a new one…"

Ryu walked over to her new house, greeted with light applause from the table. Her robes changed and she looked over at the twins, one of whom snapped his attention to the sorting hat. 'Hell yeah he's into me!' Ryu sat down, smiling, 'I don't know which one he is, but still!'

The group dwindled down to only a few students and Rouge struck up a quiet conversation with a boy she knew would get into Slytherin, Blaise Zabini.

"Rouge Sadique" The older lady read yet again looking down at the two remaining students who seemed to have been so involved in their discussion, the absence of a crowd startled them. Rouge walked calmly towards the overlarge head accessory and allowed the woman to place it upon her head.

'This is going to be fun!' She thought before all she could see was the inside of the hat.

/What do we have here?/ the deep voice of the sorting hat resounded in the girl's ears.

'Well, I am one fucked up teenager, that's what.'

/I… See…/ the hat began before Rouge cut his train of thought off

'Oh no you don't! You wanna see? Here you go!' She said glaring at the dark fabric, allowing all of her teenage memories and feelings loose.

The hall sat quietly, wondering why the hat was taking so long with that young girl. Though Ryu could take a wild guess. Suddenly the hat started screaming for mercy and the bespectacled girl threw the hat off, smirking, as the animated hat growled out, "Slytherin you sadistic child!"

"Finally." Rouge said, heading to the green and silver table, watching as her plain robes transfigured into ones with her house trim and badge. After Blaise too was sorted into the house of snakes, Dumbledore stood up to begin his announcements.

The headmaster stood up, addressing the students with raised hands. The students all quieted down and stared up at him expectantly. His hands formed into standard rock formation, both middle and ring fingers curling into his palms.

"Hello Hogwarts!" Dumbledore shouted as the students' eyes collectively widened in shock. Four voices, two male and two female, echoed a "Woot!" before the old man with twinkling eyes continued. He snapped a look at Snape, who sighed and stood. Flicking his wand, music erupted out of nowhere, a kind of tingling rap beat. Snape was no pleased.

"Yo yo yo, it's Dumbledore,

Y'all should know to stay off the third floor,

The forbidden forest, it ain't no joke,

Go in there an' som'in' gonna get broke!"

All students thought in unison, 'what the fuck?!'

"I've gotten a note from Filch, my man

That there's a new list of things that are banned

We got a new teacher, twitchy as a squirrel,

He wears a purple turban and his name is Quirrell."

Ryu and Rouge glanced over at each other before bursting out with laughter.

"Prefects lead your first years to the dormitories,

But I give you permission to skip bedtime stories.

I leave you now as sleep is what you seek,

And remember,

Nitwit, blubber, oddment, and tweak!"

'That wasn't mentioned in the book… but then; perhaps it just followed the basic plot.' Ryu couldn't help but think. After all, she wanted this to be canon, though… She glanced at Snape who sat back down in embarrassment, she wished he had a better life. 'Kids can be so cruel' Ryu mused sadly, remembering the time when Harry managed to catch a glimpse at the professor's memories.

"And as a side note," Dumbledore started again, "This year all classes will be a mix of all houses, to promote inter-house relations."

At this announcement, there were several groans and shouts of "That's rubbish!" across the floor. The headmaster sat down, ignoring the protests; looking at Rouge and Ryu. Rouge knew the song, Dumbledore wanted her to be happy - if only to see what else she would do. Or maybe it was just the 'special' sherbet lemons…

"And now before we head to bed, we must all sing the school song!" The other teachers' seemed to have forced smiled laid upon their faces. The headmaster swished his wand, and a long gold ribbon flew out the end, twisting into the words.

"Pick your favourite tune!" Dumbledore cried, "Let's go!"

The students all chimed in with a hearty booming sound, Rouge remembered the fact that the Weasley twins used a funeral march and Ryu clued in after watching her partner in crime.

Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,
Teach us something, please,
Whether we be old and bald
Or young with scabby knees,
Our heads could do with filling
With some interesting stuff,
For now they're bare and full of air,
Dead flies and bits of fluff,
So teach us things worth knowing,
Bring back what we've forgot,
Just do your best, we'll do the rest,
And learn until our brains all rot.

Everyone finished the song at different times, aside from the Weasley twins and the out-of-place duo. Dumbledore clapped the loudest when the song was done, and Ryu had the suspicion that he was, in fact, high.

"Prefects?" McGonagall said, motioning for them to rise. The students all began to stand, prefects trying to herd first years toward them. Ryu laughed when she saw Percy gathering her fellow 'ickle firsties'. The red head then looked around for her friend and saw her talking to Draco Malfoy and the Zabini boy. Smirking, Ryu followed Hermione Granger out of the hall knowing that she would catch up with Rouge later.

Rouge walked conversing with the arrogant Malfoy boy and her first wizarding friend, Blaise. "I swear you'd look better with your hair down, Draco!"
"Shut it Sadique... That means sadistic in French right?" The blonde girl nodded before allowing the pureblood to rant away. "My last name is a form of the French translation for bad faith, my wizarding family can be traced back to-" Blaise cut the other Slytherin off with a clipped tone.

"I don't really care, Malfoy. Rouge, I am sorry but I'd rather prance around the staff room in pink lingerie then talk to this ponce."

The silver-eyed boy glared, "Just because you are a half blood..." He started before Rouge stepped between the two.
"Enough! Draco, I know you adore your father and want to be a mini version of him, but seriously what you are saying is mad... What would you rather do? Eventually end up bowing before a half blood or be friends with one of unpure blood?"

The eleven-year-old boy was shocked at the question. "I'd never have to make a choice like that..." He muttered and received a glare from the bold girl. "If the Dark Lord came back, you'd follow him rather then... be friends with Zabini, am I right?" She said making it clearer. The platinum blonde mistook her meaning and sneered a positive answer. Rolling her eyes Rouge grabbed Blaise's hand and pulled him to the front of the first years saying her final message over her shoulder, "Well then go look up the history of Tom Riddle when you get a chance, this mudblood is out of here!"