disclaimer: i do not own the bbc soap opera eastenders or the characters used in my fanfic

Living the lie

He couldn't do it anymore, not being able to touch, feel or hold the one person who he truly loved, in his place was this woman who was demanding it every single cursed day of the week. It wasn't the same though, he didn't feel alive, or anything near the infatuation he felt for Christian. It hurt him to have married her, he knew that he also, married a lie.

Night after night syed would stay awake, long after she'd fallen asleep next to him, dreaming of him probably, Hed stay awake and replay the moments of togetherness they shared, in his mind.

He knew that seeing him out on the square would set that all too familiar burning sensation in the pit of his stomach off again. Syed presumed the feeling was due to wanting to feel Christian. To caress him like he did nights ago, to relive the sex. Oh, the sex, it was to die for Sy thought. He also knew that it wasn't all about the lust, it was about feelings and emotional ties too. He kicked himself mentally for ever letting the man of his dreams walk away so easily.

Today seemed to be just another day and syed was packing boxes of food that he'd prepared throughout the morning. He was starving and hadn't brought any lunch with him, he thought about unpacking one of the containers of food and tucking in, but he knew that Ian would be in soon to do one of his routine counts. With that, Syed picked up his coat and headed over to the Cafe for a quick sandwich.

The journey was short, but his feet ached and thus made the walk over, drag further than it was in reality. He had just gotten round to forgetting about Christian when he saw him coming out of his flat and turning in direction of the cafe himself.

Syed felt that familiar burning pain in the pit of his stomach again, that burning feeling, the one that crept its way up every time he had to look at but force himself to not touch, Christian Clarke. It was a comfort to know that the pain still arose, it showed that he hadn't gotten over him, didn't it? He slowed as he reached to meet Christians pace and was walking in time with him.

They walked for together for minutes both refused to start conversation,although both had the burning urge to ask how the other was, they were not aknowleging eachother but stealing slight glances at the others' clothes for the first few minutes. Breathing in eachothers scents. Finally, one of the two couldn't take it anymore and spoke up.

"Hi..." Sy breathed. Christian ignored him, the way he saw it. Sy had chucked away any chance of rekindling any sort of relationship, sexual or other with him the day he married her. They had reached the cafe.

In there, they saw Jane, who gawped at the fact they came in at the same time. She looked as though she was going to corner Christian and give him what for, she realised though that he was doing the right thing, trying to move on. She couldn't argue with that fact. The Que was longer than usual so they joined at the very end. Christian was behind Syed, He felt his ex lovers breath tickle his neck, it was almost pleading to be heard out. Inside, sy was crying.

Eventually, the tension got too much for the young muslim and he spun Christian round by the shoulder in one swift motion, Christian silently shuddered at his ex lovers touch: "what you playing at!?" sy shouted at a bewildered Christian. "what makes you think because i married her i wanted to wipe you out completely!?" Christian just opted for the shut up and listen option as an alternative for shouting back. The whole cafe, including Jane turned to look at the pair. Sy took no notice. "answer me then!" he continued to rant. Christian said nothing but he tried to control sy's anger by holding him by his shoulders. Sy refused to be moved, he was numb when he was angry. The next thing that happened and that was said shook everybody by the core.

Syed dropped to one knee, looked up into Christians pearl-like eyes and pulled out a ring, one he'd seen when he passed a shop weeks earlier. "Marry me, Christian Clarke, i want to spend every waking moment with you. I can't live without you, my love"

All of the customers caroused "Awwww...." just as Sy was about to receive an answer, Zainab entered the cafe.