Breathe

Disclaimer: The O.C. belongs to Josh Schwartz and FOX, not me. Sadly Ben Mackenzie doesn't belong to me either. The lyrics to "Mother Revolution" belong to the amazing Tori Amos.

Pairing: Ryan/Marissa (Mack/Misch)

Rating: T

Summary: What if Ryan had walked in on Marissa while she struggled to write her college application essay in "The Game Plan"?

Lucky me,

I guessed the kind of man,

That you would turn out to be,

Now I wish that I'd been wrong,

And then I could remember to breathe."

Tori Amos, Mother Revolution

As the sun set outside her window, Marissa sat in her bedroom typing on her laptop. She was trying to write the essay to accompany her application to Berkley but it was turning out to be a greater challenge than she thought. She was writing about the shooting and the ordeal that followed it…her expulsion and reinstatement at Harbor.

In the box labeled GAPS IN EDUCATION/EXPLUSION, Marissa had to mark the box with a check mark.

It might as well have been an "A." Maybe this was how Hester felt in The Scarlet Letter…no this is worse.

The boldfaced words in the box seemed to mock her even more…if for any reason you have been expelled. PLEASE EXPLAIN BELOW

She stared at the screen for a few seconds and then reread what she had written.

I was involved in

Four words…just four words and she couldn't bring herself to go on. With a sigh of frustration, she ran her hands through her hair and hammered at the delete key.

As she averted her gaze from the screen to the keyboard, images came to mind…like scenes from the horror movies that gave her nightmares when she was a little girl.

Trey trying to kiss her on the beach.

Struggling to get free and begging him to stop as he dropped his weight on top of her.

Marissa felt tears welling in her eyes and tried to breathe.

Standing on the lifeguard tower, drinking from her flask.

Being held in Ryan's arms as they kissed.

Her dad kissing her forehead as he said his final goodbye to her on board his boat, his eyes black and blue.

Trey's hands wrapped tightly around Ryan's throat as they fought on the floor of the apartment.

Trey's voice echoing in her ear as he begged her to give in.

The blood on Trey's shirt and the shocked expression on his face just after she pulled the trigger.

Marissa got to her feet and shoved everything off of her desk and onto the floor below, with a desperate scream of anguish and pain.

Ryan approached Marissa's room quietly, wanting to surprise her.

Suddenly he heard her scream and a series of loud noises coming from the other side of the closed door.

With a surge of panic Ryan pushed open the door without knocking and entered her bedroom.

"Marissa?"

What he saw on the other side of the door made his heart ache.

She was seated in her desk chair with her back to him the floor littered with everything that had once been on her desk. He could hear her forced breaths as she sobbed.

"Hey, hey, hey what's wrong?"

Ryan asked softly as he rushed to comfort her, wrapping his arms around her neck from behind.

Her shoulders trembled with the force of the sobs that wracked her body and guided them back to rest on his chest.

"I can't do it Ryan…I can't…" She managed to whisper before a fresh wave of tears overcame her.

"Can't do what?" He asked gently as he relished in the gentle caress of her honey-blonde hair caressing his shirt as she leaned back into him.

"The Berkley essay…I have to write about the shooting…I keep having these flashes…of everything in my head and I can't…"

"Shh, Riss baby, it's gonna be okay…hey …"

Ryan moved from behind Marissa and knelt in front of the chair, where she sat like a wilted rose.

He pulled her body to him and kissed away the tears that streaked down her face as he ran a hand soothingly through her hair.

"You don't have to do the essay right now…give yourself some time…we'll even work on it together if you want…we'll get through this…just remember to breathe."

Marissa laughed softly and Ryan kissed and tasted the salt of fallen tears on her lips.

"How 'bout I help you clean up after Hurricane Marissa?"

She hit him playfully in the arm before kissing him softly again.

"Thanks."

"Anytime."