I don't know why I had to come back. No, that ain't true. I knew I had to come back home to see it with my own eyes. Didn't want to see no vid sent out neatly scrubbed by the damned Alliance, I needed to see Shadow. "Mr. Reynolds," I snapped to attention, too many years in the war made me snap to when I heard an officer's voice.
"Yes sir." Didn't seem to matter that I was just workin' on the man's crew to get enough money to get back home, I still stood straight as I could since I was still recoverin' from my last friendly reminder that I'd been on the losin' side at the prison camp before I'd been set free.
"I ain't no sir, Malcolm," the old man said with a dark chuckle. His name was Hayden Philips, his long hair was shot with steely grey and hung in dred locks down to his waist. His skin was as wrinkled as a walnut shell and just about the same color too. He was a good sort, had picked me up with barely a question asked when I'd hit the dock yards lookin' for a way home. Since I'd been on board, I'd found out that he'd run supplies to the Independents durin' the war, and had been lucky enough not to get caught. Had to envy a man who had his own piece of the Black and the freedom he had to go where he wanted and such. "I'm just a man who owns a spaceship. We're about to go into orbit. Wanted to see if you'd changed your mind about goin' down there son. Ain't fit for man nor beast no more."
"I know," I felt my heart stop like it was bein' pinched tween the fingers of a giant. I swear I had to concentrate to make it start to beatin' again. "I just have to go home. I have to see."
Hayden placed his plate sized hand on my shoulder. Don't know how the man managed to walk about his boat, let alone fit in the little cockpit. "Milly's got the shuttle ready for you. You sure you'll be ok down there alone? I don't like the idea of flyin' off and leavin' you down there Malcolm."
"Can't ask you to stay here while I have my look see, sir." I just could ask the man to give up a good payin' job to babysit me. "It's enough that y'all are comin' back to get me on your way back."
"Well you are takin' one of my shuttles Malcolm. Those cost too many creds." Hayden slapped me on the back, leavin' a fresh bruise to mix with the ones that were startin' to fade now after the weeks I'd been "free." I was amazed that the man was lettin' me take one of his shuttles when I'd only been part of his crew for such a short time. But Hayden said he and Milly, his wife, knew when they was around people they could trust, and I was one of them.
BREAK
I'd been steelin' myself for what I was goin' to see. I couldn't afford to waste too much fuel. I had enough for a quick landin' and enough to get back into atmo. Not enough to be durin' large circuits of the planet that I'd been born and raised on. I set the navigation computer to find the land that had belonged to my kin for a good five generations. Land that was now mine, but would never be fallow again unless the Alliance decided to let the terraformers come back. Weren't never goin' to happen though. Shadow had been destroyed as a message to us uppity no good Independents. They would never give us our home back.
It was nothing but black. Only difference tween the earth and the sky was the stars were twinklin' in the black. I hovered over where my ranch should have been, finally settin' the shuttle down when its landin' beacon got was makin' my ears ring. Took me nearly an hour to gear up enough to step down onto the charred soil. The ground was hard, smooth as lava in some places where the bombs had melted the sand and rocks. Usin' the stars for guides since there weren't nothin' else, I slowly walked towards where my momma's house had been where I fell to my knees, ignorin' the sharp edges of rock that cut into my skin as I threw up until there was nothing left and cried for all that each and every person on Shadow had lost. I cried for the Independents. I cried for my family and kin. I cried for the people I didn't know until my eyes went dry as my soul.
The radiation meter on my wrist started vibratin' tellin' me that I had to head back to the shuttle. I reached down and flicked a pebble with my fingers, watchin' as it skated cross my home like a rock on the waterin' hole that had been vaporized a few miles away. I pushed up and took one last look at what was left of Shadow before gettin' back on the shuttle and shot myself up with radiation meds as I sank into the bunk to wait for Hayden to come back.
I was never goin' to forgive god for this. I'd always believed that the Almighty would take care of us. I even held a glimmer of hope when we'd managed to live through Serenity, but now that I'd seen my home. I knew that there was no Almighty. I hated god as much as I hated the ruttin' Alliance. There would be no forgiveness. Ever.
BREAK
When I closed my eyes, I could smell the dust mingled with sunshine as we finished wranglin' the herd into the new pasture. Between my legs, I could feel the powerful muscles of my mare, Gypsy, as she flew over the rocky soil as she chased down a stray that was tryin' to head for the gentle rolling hills and freedom. Heard them say that the horses from the Earth-That-Was were almost blind, but that'd been engineered out of 'em over the five hundred years since we'd founded our new worlds. I snapped my eyes open as she dashed to the right, fightin' to keep my balance on my big roan. The calf shot away from us, and I brought my stunner up to fire at him when the horizon went white.
The heat tore the meat from the calf first. I could hear it brayin' for its momma as it was stripped to bone and then turned to dust on the nuclear wind. I pulled on the reigns, knowin' I was just bein' stupid. Weren't no way I could even the fastest horse on the Reynolds Ranch could outrun the human spawned hell that was rushin' towards me. My mare screamed in pain with a voice that sounded more like my momma's than a horse as the fire lit her backside. I felt the skin on my back seared off layer by layer until the hot wind turned my lungs to ash. Beneath me, my horse was still running, all that was left was bones that were churnin' up the miles until there weren't no more of us, and we were torn apart by the wind left.
BREAK
I woke up gaspin' for breath in the confines of Hayden's shuttle. My body was covered in sweat and I stank like did when they'd finally come get us from Hera. With my fingers still shakin' I dug up my flask and took a long drink until the heat of the whiskey hit my empty belly.
"Malcolm Reynolds," I could almost hear my mom's voice. "Don't you be drinkin' without havin' somethin' in that stomach of yours." I pulled a protein bar out of the pack that Milly had made me take, tearin' off a chunk of the 'beef' flavored sawdust and washed it down with more alcohol. I shook the flask, and realized I ain't brought nearly enough booze with me for this trip. It would be least three days 'fore Hayden came back for me, and I was not lookin' forward to spendin' 'em sober.
Don't rightly know how long I slept once the whiskey took effect. Takes me a long time to get drunk enough to just pass out, and I wasn't really payin' attention to the time. My head was poundin', brain pan felt all off kilter, and I wobbled my way to the bridge of the shuttle holdin' onto the bulkhead more than a couple times to let the pukes pass. I hated throwin' up. Done enough of it when I'd been on the surface, and some stupid bit of my head started screaming that I had radiation poisoning.
I settled into the plastic of the pilot's seat, and did my best not to look outside again at the charred landscape. It was daylight now, and it was worse in the light of the sun than it had been last night. At least in the darkness, I could pretend that there was some little bit of green somewhere hidin' and thriving on what was left of Shadow. They'd named her that because the terraformin' had done such a good job on the planet. Callin' her Shadow because she was one of the Earth-that-Was. Now, with all the life stripped from her, maybe the name was more accurate than it ever had been 'fore. But I ain't no scholar, so don't really know for sure. None of us even know if anyone still lives on the old Earth. Probably some folks in the parliament do, but they don't exactly tell the truth to their minions and slaves.
I switched on the link to the Cortex, and punched in the codes to get me to the only friend I had left in the 'Verse. "Yes, ma'am," I said to the face that appeared over the wave. Realizing that I had to look a fright, I pulled on a shirt and tried to get my hair under control 'fore she thought too ill of me. "I'm sorry. Didn't expect to get through so fast. I'm lookin' for Zoe. Is she there? I'm Malcolm Reynolds."
"Know who you are. I'll send for her." The woman who looked so much like Zoe that I knew she had to be her momma left the wave up and running as she sent for her daughter. Think she did that on purpose so I could hear her swearin' about me lookin' for her kid, and how she wished all the reminders about the damned war would just fade away.
"Sir," Zoe said as she slid into the seat. There was a tightness about her lips, and I could tell she'd had an earful from her momma 'bout me on her way to the bridge. "Didn't expect to hear from you so soon."
"You look good," I said with a crooked smile. "I'm on Shadow. Just needed to see a friendly face is all."
Zoe's eyes widened when I said I was on Shadow. "Sir," she let out a slow breath. "That's not exactly a safe place to be right now."
"Don't I know it," I shrugged tryin' to convince her that I was ok in the head, although weren't too sure if I was really. "I just had to see it for myself is all. There's nothin' here Zoe. It's black as pitch. All that's left is the atmo. I was hopin' to see some small bit of home still here, but it's all gone. They ruined it all. Ain't nothin' here at all." I just shut up 'fore I told her that the planet was as dark and empty as my soul. Shadow wasn't just the shadow of the Earth-that-Was no more. It had become the shadow of who I was now too. Weren't nothin' left of me neither.
"You're not goin' to be stayin' there long are you?" I could see she was gettin' it into her head to come rescue her crazy sergeant again which I was gorram sure would piss her folks off more than just about anythin' she could do.
"No, my ride's just up top is all. I'm down here on a shuttle. Won't be here more'n a few extra hours." I lied. I knew she knew it. Zoe knew me better'n anyone who was still breathin', and I couldn't ever pull the wool over her eyes. "I'll be all right Zoe girl. You take care of yourself. I'll be seein' you again." I clicked off the wave before she could argue with me. Wasn't much in the mood to be told I was bein' a damned fool. Knew that well enough on my own.
I checked the clocks. It'd be two more days at least before Hayden came back for me. I'd slept most of the day away in my drunken stupor, but now it was time to get to business. I dug into the pack I'd brought with me until I found the small rocket that I'd bought to send my family and friend's into the Black. I'd given up on god, but that didn't mean that they had. Weren't my place to tell my mom that god had failed us all, let down my planet, let down my folks and left us all for dead.
Dressed in the radiation suit, I stepped back down onto the barren husk of my home world with the rocket tucked up under my arm. Even without the helmet coverin' my head, I knew that there weren't no sound but the dry wind that carried the dark ash that coated everything. The shuttle was covered in it, would have to hope that goin' back up through atmo would clean it off, or I'd have to be scrubbin' it for Hayden. I walked slower than I had on my first time on the ground, takin' time to look here and there in the daylight to see if anything salvageable was there. I balanced the rocket at the middle of what should have been my land. I could see the circled edges of blast site after site as they criss-crossed on the surface like rings on the still water of a lake.
"I'm sorry I failed you," I whispered as I lit the fuse. The radiation meter was vibrating by the time I was finished watchin' the rocket's trail in the grey ash filled sky.
Time is a strange thing depending on your situation. When we were losing our marbles on Hera, breathin' in the stink of our own demise, time seemed to stand still. At the prison camp, I could keep track of the day by which guard was goin' to spit in my food, and which one was goin' to try to bust my ribs one more time. Now and then if I move to fast, I can still feel them twinge and such. Hope they heal eventually now that I ain't bein' beaten on a daily basis.
But time on Shadow didn't seem to move at all. There were no trees left to cast shadows on surface, and the mountains were too far away to cast at all. If I was outside, I supposed I'd be able to see the shadow of the shuttle move slowly 'round it as the day bled slowly into night. I'd been outside too long sendin' off the rocket. The radiation meter had been vibratin' and pingin' at me to get me inside to safety. I really don't know why I bothered. Couldn't really see no reason why I shouldn't just lay down there in the black dust and let my rot there along with what was left of my mind. I know I've lost it. Ain't nothin' left of the man I was when I joined the Browncoats. I'd believed in so much more then, and now I couldn't even believe in myself. I was such a gorram fuck up.
I was wallowin' in pity when the cortex beeped tellin' me I had a wave. I thought about just ignorin it. It'd be so easy just to walk back out of the shuttle in my regular clothes and walk until there was nothin' left of my boots of feet. I could picture it in my head, the soles wearin' away, then the bottoms of my feet, and the bones grating on the surface while I looked for nothing.
As I slowly headed back to the bridge, I picked up my flask and drained the last dregs of it tossin' it back on my bunk. "Yeah," I snapped on the wave.
"Malcolm," it was Milly. Her lips were pursed tight against her teeth, and I could see the worry in her eyes. "Wanted you to know, we're done with our business and on our way back to you. Should be there tomorrow."
Had it already been three days? "I'll be waitin' for you." I ran my fingers through my hair, hoping that I didn't look like too much of a fright to her. She was a good woman, with a gentle soul. Weren't no reason for me to be worryin' her too much. "Just ping me when you reach orbit."