Title: I've found a reason
Rating: K
Disclaimer: Stargate doesn't belong to me – not last time I checked anyway.
Spoilers:None
Archive:Probably but please ask me first anyway.
I have to tell you something, not that I'm actually telling you face-to-face – too cowardly for that. Yes cowardly I know you'll disagree but, this way there are no interruptions and I only need to explain what I feel necessary.
I was in black ops for a long time and it made me hard, cold, emotions are dangerous. Then came Sarah and Charlie and for just a while I decided that maybe emotions aren't all that bad. It all changed – you know why. Then I met you.
That taught me emotions are even more dangerous than I thought. They lead you to do and say things that you shouldn't. Emotions can cause that hesitation, that precious second, which means the difference between life and death.
So I stopped my emotions. Not the shallow everyday ones but the deep ones, the emotions that actually mean something I locked away inside me. I believed I was safe from them. Stupid. Look back over these years. I haven't managed to keep them hidden, not when it mattered.
And now I've realised something. I've changed. I'm can't be emotionless, not where you're concerned. When I was first contacted for the Stargate program I was ready to kill myself. Now I will do anything I can to hold on. Because of you.
You're the reason why I can come in everyday with a smile and another joke, even after all that we've been through. We've been through it together. I know I haven't done everything I should have; I know I haven't been there for you all the time. That hurts me just as much as it hurts you. That's what I have to live with for trying to keep my emotions hidden.
We've both been hurt even when we were trying to keep ourselves sheltered.
I'm here now. Whenever you need me. You're the reason that I am me.
I'm sorry.
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